Overcoming the spectre of other people's negativity *for UC'ers only*

[Serenyd]

My mom and I got into a pretty heated discussion about my plans to UC the other night, and ever since then I have been feeling as if an intruder has invaded my "safe space." Last time my UC was this wonderful secret and I felt very safe and secure knowing that no one had any expectations of me. She said that if anything happens to my baby I'll "have to live with it the rest of my life." I told her that if I was in the hospital, and something bad happened, I know I would blame myself for that too. I already blame myself for allowing the things to happen that did happen when I had my first son in the hospital. I know that my son and I have permanent damage to our bodies from the interventions that I allowed - because I did not educate myself and blindly trusted health care professionals instead. I'm worried that having these negative opinions in my brain will impede my ability to have a safe and uncomplicated birth - becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. I'm concerned that the weight of others expectations will affect how I birth and cloud my judgement. How do I overcome this? I crave the safety and security of my home and the loving support of my family for my birth. I don't want to labor feeling as if my mother is watching disapprovingly from the shadows and hearing her harsh words echoing in my ears. Thank goodness I have DP's full support. I need to find a way to purge myself of the spectre of other's negativity so I can concentrate on having a good birth. I don't want to be burdened by worries that are not my own. Those of you who have experienced hearing negative opinions about your decision to UC, how did you overcome this/plan to overcome this, and do you feel it has affected/or will affect your birth experience?

***No flamers please ... soliciting positive responses only.... thank you***

[aspeneyes]

I birthed my son at home in the water four years ago with two midwives in attendance. Five months ago I birthed my daughter at home in the water with just her Papa and big brother present. So here's my input:

Now is the time to protect yourself, your space, your thoughts....so if that means avoiding certain people during this time, then so be it. I assume your mom is nearby so that may be a challenge. My mom lives 2,000 miles away, so I didn't let her (or any other extended family) in fully on our plans. I also found that as I neared the end of my pregnancy, I talked with her less than I normally do. I only shared our plans with trusted friends who I knew would respect our decision. When I finally went into labor, we didn't tell anyone because I didn't want the possibility of any negative thoughts coming our way. Of course after the birth, we told our parents what our plans had been all along and there was really nothing they could say at that point. I think my mom was a little surprised and quite in awe of me. If she had known beforehand, she would have just worried which would not have benefited either of us.

It is important to surround yourself with those who support you. You know what is best for you and your baby. Move forward in trust.

[MittensKittens]

I only told a few people I was going to UC. Everyone else just assumed I would use the midwife I had used with my first birth. One friend knew about his plans, and when I sent him a text message telling him I went into labor, he just freaked out. Here I was wanting someone to share my exciting news with, and wanting some "company" during labor, and my friend was sending messages like "just call an ambulance", "are you crazy?" and "you are gonna give me another heart attack!". No kidding. I turned my cell phone off at that point. I am sure these comments contributed to the fact that I found myself thinking "Hey, should I call an ambulance?" at various times during labor. Looking inwards, to myself, my body and my baby, I knew everything was just perfect though.

Perhaps you could ask people to refrain from making negative comments and creating an atmosphere of fear? I know that some people are unable to do this, in which case I agree with PP that the only way is to remove yourself from these people temporarily. Personally, I am sure that fear can lead to problems in birth, and that you need to steer clear of negative energy.

I am sorry your mom is not more supportive - I am sure it comes from a place of love (and misinformation ).

[MsBlack]

Everything you do, or choose not to do, is something you have to live with for the rest of your life. That is just part of the nature of life and reality as we experience it. Your mom can make that into a dramatic, negative declaration as if you'd never pondered this thought--she makes it into a threat, practically--but maybe you can pare it down to it's bare bones and understand that you have already lived through some unwise choices and some very wonderful choices....choices she is not really prepared to understand because her life and choices have been so different.

You don't have to let this become the hook upon which every stray moment of stress/angst gets hung. No one can impact your birth without your permission....not even your mom, even as powerful as our moms are, in our psyches. Seems like maybe this is one of those individuation and boundary setting moments of life: a time for you to further distinguish your self and choices from your mom's, a time when you are prompted by her comments to make separation between her life and reality, and your own.

Her fear/negativity cannot impinge unless you make it your own. When you hear the echoes of her comments, feel the fear she inspires, you can (as often as necessary!) remind yourself 'NOT my fear, not my worry. This one is mom's, and I don't have to own it, I am not owning it!" Followed, naturally, by your positive affirmation of trust and so forth.

I think it can be so important, so helpful to us to make these distinctions, to name them and consciously choose our own path. Most of us carry around a lot of parental/social teachings and fears that we assume belong to us....but they don't have to unless we accept them.

[Nicci P]

I'm sorry her negativity is clouding your head. You dont need that.

Like you I had a horrific hospital birth with DS1. I had to have post trauma counselling and am still in counselling after more than 2 years. DS2 was the most perfect UC ever, pain free and fear free. My mum (who was very supportive) caught him, I'm a single mum so DS2's dad wasnt there.

Whenever I got negative comments I threw myself into research. I also read lots of positive UC stories. I read about the dangers of hospital birth, I thought back to my hospital birth. I did this til my head was on the same page as my heart.

If anyone close to you comments, tell them to go do their research before they talk about what they dont know about. Maybe put it more politely than that though!

xxxxxxxx

[gillibean]

I think that for me, I knew that a UC was what I was most comfortable with. Having a midwife-assisted birth was not an option and I was very uncomfortable with the idea of birthing in the hospital. I also knew that the only way I would be able to deliver in the water was to have the birth at home, this option was very important to me. I prayed about it and felt peace. I had one of DH's aunts go crazy on us about all the things that could go wrong but it just didn't matter. I knew that I was making a sound decision.

Along with any decision comes consequences and responsibility. I knew that there was a chance that things could go wrong and I prepared for that possibility. DH and I decided beforehand circumstances that would warrant calling an ambulance. I knew that we had prepared as well as we could and that whatever happened, I would know that I had made the best decisions I could at the time. That knowledge brought me peace and comfort. The fact is (as it seems you already know too well) that a hospital birth is no guarantee of anything. What it comes down to is taking the risks that you're the most comfortable with. For me, that was a UC, I felt that it was the safer option in my case. Would I recommend it to everyone, no, but for me it was the right decision and one that gave me a clear conscience. If anythng had happened to the baby, I would have known that I had made the best decision out of the ones that were available to me at the time, I would have had no regrets - I would have been very sad, but no regrets.

[mysticmomma]

Can you make yourself a vision board? Pictures of freebirthing, affirmations, etc. Put it somewhere you will see it often. Maybe include a picture of your mother with her eyes and mouth covered. No one needs to feel safe except you! (maybe dp, but he's a distant second!)

[reducereuserecycle]

i had to deal with all that negativity with my UC (first child, first uc) but i just tried my best to let it go in one ear and out the other. i made my decisions and that was that. if the negativity started through phone conversations (yes, mostly with my mom) i just said "ok, gotta go, bye"
try to distance yourself from negativity as much as you can if that is what it takes to get you through.

i think the best advice i can give is to just ignore what people say. know that you are right because you know what is best in your heart.

[zoebird]

for me, the process was really about recognizing why i was choosing it and acknowledging that i could do it. this is what allowed me to not "take it on" or let it have an affect on my mood or feeligns about my self, my birth, or the overall safety of UC.

i remember one time that was particularly empowering for me. i had planned on not overtly telling anyone, but my mothe was asking direct questions. i answered them, and she freaked out. she became very emotional, and when she's emotional, you can't reason with her. i just kept telling her "i recognize that you feel that way, but it doens't change the decision!" and she kept just saying "you can't you can't you can't!" and became more hysterical. i got off the phone with her, and then she made herself sick (stress - spastic colon), and my dad called a few days later asking even more questions. in that process he said "well, why didn't you just tell her these facts?" and i said "well, she was in hysterics, and you know you can't reason with someone in an emotional state like that." he agreed.

so, after my mom calmed down, she was still pushy about the medical model. but *i* felt perfectly sound in our process. i knew that i was doing what was right for us.

so the more and more that my mother would push, i finally told her "look, mom, you are responssible for your own fears in regards to this. this is what we are doing, and you're either going to accept it or not, but either way, i'm not going to reassure *you* by choosing against myself. this is what i am doing, this is what i hvae chosen to do. you don't have to like it. but i don't want to hear your fear about it anymore."

that was that. she didn't bring it up again, and put herself into a space of denial, truly believing that i was visiting a midwife every month. never underestimate the power of denial, huh?

anyway, by becoming completely secure in your decision, and then creating a boundary with anyone who seeks to steal your peac eabout it, you'll create that "bubble" again.

[Talula Fairie]

Well I didn't have a UC but I did have a homebirth with a midwife and had to deal with quite a bit of negativity surrounding it, especially from my mother in law. I just reminded myself of all the reasons that I was having a homebirth, and concentrated on the fact that a complication was pretty unlikely. I had a beautiful homebirth and I am sure you will too.

[Serenyd]

Originally Posted by mysticmomma

Can you make yourself a vision board? Pictures of freebirthing, affirmations, etc. Put it somewhere you will see it often. Maybe include a picture of your mother with her eyes and mouth covered. No one needs to feel safe except you! (maybe dp, but he's a distant second!)

I kind of like that idea!

[terrabella]

Well, it's too late for this, but I tell no ONE!

I agree about making an affirmation board! It will help to purge the negativity.

Also, go ahead and brush up on your childbirth education and emergency plans yet again, this will help put out those nasty little flames of doubt that can be lit by others.

And just nest some more. I find that nesting is better than meditation. Don't worry, cleaning the upstairs closets fourth time won't hurt them at all.

[Sheryl1678]

I can see why so many women and couples choose not to tell a soul or to plan an "oops" but I felt sort of a moral obligation to all my fellow women out there to publicize my decision to UC.

I had no idea that UC or even homebirth was a legitimate option with my first and despite the fact that I had terrible dread about a hospital birth and even serious misgivings about my CNM, I birthed in a hospital because I felt I had no choice.

I believe ALL women should know they have a choice. I put up with a tremendous amount of grief about my UC plans from family and friends while I was pregnant but in the end my UC with my second daughter was so totally powerful, blissful and transforming that none of that nonsense mattered.

ETA: I am NOT trying to say other women should or should not follow my example. I think avoiding stress is crucial during pregnancy. I was just stating my reasons for jumping into the fire with both feet.

[MittensKittens]

ITA, but you can still publicize your UC after the fact,without risking stressing your pregnant self.

Originally Posted by Sheryl1678

I can see why so many women and couples choose not to tell a soul or to plan an "oops" but I felt sort of a moral obligation to all my fellow women out there to publicize my decision to UC.

I had no idea that UC or even homebirth was a legitimate option with my first and despite the fact that I had terrible dread about a hospital birth and even serious misgivings about my CNM, I birthed in a hospital because I felt I had no choice.

I believe ALL women should know they have a choice. I put up with a tremendous amount of grief about my UC plans from family and friends while I was pregnant but in the end my UC with my second daughter was so totally powerful, blissful and transforming that none of that nonsense mattered.

ETA: I am NOT trying to say other women should or should not follow my example. I think avoiding stress is crucial during pregnancy. I was just stating my reasons for jumping into the fire with both feet.

[MamaRabbit]

I had a one liner. "I am aware of the risks of both home and hospital birth. I have made my choice aware of my options." and then pass the bean dip

I would seriously interrupt the scare tactics people and say that. And if they opened their mouth to say more I'd walk away or hang up.

I refused to let it get to me.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Circle the wagons, girl!

UC is about living the birth that is within YOU..it comes from YOU and your baby being allowed to BE without all the junk and expectations heaped on by other people. If you find that bringing other people into your emotional/birth space is starting to get under your skin and chip away at your joyful spirit...lock down.

There is no one who is unconditionally allowed into your birthing space (in your head, heart, soul OR physical location of birthing) - it is an honor which must be earned by way of treating you and your birth wishes with the ultimate respect which so many people who love us seem to struggle to have for these plans, which to them seem "dangerous" or whatever. I, too, have reached a place where I am beginning to regret the level of insight into my plans I have allowed people close to me to have...and these are people I LOVE so very very much...who, because of their love for me, have expressed concern over my birthing alone and have even gone so far as to (unintentionally) poison my DHs thoughts toward an idea that he had become completely okay with....so, guess what?

I pulling the plug on that sh*t right now. I'm not even joking. My "line" from here on out is:

In preparation for my birth, I'm no longer speaking about it with anyone but DH and my baby girl....I can't wait, though, for our little guy to get here so everyone can love on him and finally meet him!

And that, is all the information anyone is getting out of me. I had, a couple weeks ago, even gone to see a midwife. DH and I had talked about it...I'm loving UPing...but the ONE thing which has cause me "ugh"-factor in thinking about my birth, is the idea of potentially having to transfer for stitches after the fact, should I have to tear. I just don't know what that would be like, don't want to bring a NB to the hospital after an unattended birth, etc...so I was open with this midwife, told her that I am expecting to birth very quickly and made it clear that I don't really care if she makes it or not...she laughed at my honesty and was really cool about it....but when my MIL found out that a MW was in the picture now (not for the birth, but she didn't know that) she was kind of like "oh, well good...because you know you have to be safe and I would hate if something happened and I know that your birth will be perfect, but what if it wasn't, I mean...Avery DID come out with the cord around her neck...." and had this look of like, worry or something on her face....

It was at that moment that I really felt like I was giving something up, sending out the mere idea that I NEED the help of a MW....it made me so angry to see her with this sense of "oh good, she's come to her senses and is being responsible now" - and then she started talking about "so call us when you think you're getting close and we'll come to get Avery so she's out of the way because there is no way she can handle being here for such a thing..you know, that would really scare her and you don't need to be watching her" - and I was thinking to myself.....wait a minute...who is this person to tell me what my DD can handle, what I can handle, what my birth is going to look like, etc...and I started to get angry.

So I went from complete peace to anger about my birth.....so, yeah, I'm pulling the plug. I'm going back to my original idea, I'm shutting down. no more information for anyone on how I'm doing or what my birth plans are, etc. No one is getting a call "when I'm close" or coming to take my precious fire girl away from me...I want her here. Her dada can watch her, if she should need watching. No one is going to come and split up my family while I'm giving birth. no one is ocming in with their judging eyes to look at me or see how I'm feeling or whatever else...and I don't think I'm going to continue to see this MW just so I can have an established relationship with her should I need stitches. Screw that. Screw the whole thing...my birth plan was awesome..it didn't need to change to accomodate or convenience anyone else and I didn't think it was...but that's what my "shifting" my plan turned out to be, a deviation from my original plan that makes other people feel better and like I've "come to my senses".


Sorry to go off on a ranty tangent about my own situation...but those are my thoughts. If you liked the way it was, when no one had any information, it was your own little secret plan....go back to that. You don't have to apologize or make excuses for cutting people out...just do it. For pete's sake..LIE to people if that's what it takes. how many times in your life are you going to give birth? Make NO apologies...feel NO shame. Make no bones about it. It's for you and your baby. You're not being a brat or being rude...you're protecting yourself from other peoples "good intentions" and you deserve that protection.

Just like my MIL...your mother had her day in the sun. She had her turn to plan her births....now it's YOUR turn. You know what you're doing, you know what is going on, you know what feels good and what feels like crap. Steer yourself away from the crappy feelings, back toward the people and thoughts which make you feel strong, magical, confident and true.

Also...if you need it, there was a mama here who once gave a really great affirmation that I say to myself every day. I made a pretty little plaque to hang above my computer and remind me,too, it goes like this:

I am whole. I am peaceful. My body knows and does it's perfect work.

I love it. I try to live it, too....anything which contradicts the above statements...needs to be snipped from my life as I prepare to give birth to my baby boy. Anything which chips away at my feeling of being whole...needs to go. Anything which makes me feel less than peaceful...needs to go. Anyone or anything which would even hint at my body not KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT IT NEEDS TO DO needs to go far away from me and anyone who would view my birth as dangerous, scary, etc...as opposed to the perfect work of my perfectly created vessel of life and birth...needs to go. Period.

So, in a nutshell, "love ya ma....see you after my birth" - for real.

[Serenyd]

I wouldn't have told anyone and I didn't last time, but since my UC with my son I have been pretty vocal about how I support UC as a valid choice for birth. I've been coy with strangers whenever possible about my plans for this birth, saying I haven't decided where I'm going to birth yet, or just that I'm planning a home birth without a lot of details. But my mom was supportive of my UC (after the fact) and I didn't feel like I needed to be that way with her. Now suddenly at the end of my pregnancy she's getting worried. And with my mom worried=angry=lashing out ... she often says things she doesn't really mean because she is in a bad place emotionally - and I've learned to recognize that and let it roll off my back for the most part. But this is different. Maybe because I'm 9 mos pg and emotional, or because it's a touchy subject for me and I have my own demons to exorcise regarding my choice to birth at home unassisted. UC has gotten a lot of bad publicity in the the last year and hearing those stories in the news has shaken my confidence a little. I'm trying to deal by preparing extra hard for this birth. To be fair, I've heard a lot more hospital horror stories, but they don't worry me because I know I won't be exposed to that (unless I have to transfer ). So thank you for all the supportive replies. I appreciate the encouragement. I think I will make an "affirmation board." Sound like it will be fun to make and also helpful in getting in the right mindset for labor and birth.

[terrabella]

Originally Posted by AverysMomma

Circle the wagons, girl!
<snip>
I pulling the plug on that sh*t right now.

I think I love you.

[amberskyfire]

I told my family (who knew that I had planned to UC) that I could not deal with any negative or questioning comments and I told them why. I told them exactly how it made me feel. Then I told them that I needed positive encouragement and that if they did not have positive encouragement for me, they were to say absolutely nothing at all. I stressed that I was serious and that I would cut off anyone in the family who made me feel negative about my birth plans. All went well until the end of my pregnancy when my FIL send my husband a nasty e-mail ORDERING him to get me to a hospital and "bring home a living wife and baby."

I had to follow through, of course. We did not have any contact with my husband's family after that. Not even a phone call and we would not open their e-mails. If they had any hard feelings, they never said a word. They were perfectly happy once the baby was out

Also, when I went into labor, I didn't call anyone to tell them that the baby was coming. It made me feel safe to know that they had no idea; that they couldn't be thinking their negative thoughts or call 911 or do anything else stupid. I felt safe knowing that it was just me and my husband and that no one else knew (except my mother, but she was very supportive of me).

Family members talking bad about my decision to UC didn't make me sad or scared, it made me ANGRY! I used that anger during the birth. When it started to hurt so bad that I was beginning to contemplate the hospital just for pain relief, I remembered the awful things people had said and though "I'll show THEM!" And I did

[fyrebloom]

I know I can't handle people pestering me and puking negativity on me. I'm totally cloistered about my birth plans. As far as friends and family will know the midwife won't arrive in time. I just won't risk this for anyone, and I know my own resolve is weakening as I get closer and closer to the d day (my last birth was a UC transfer and I'm scared It'll happen again). Knowing me, I don't want a fight so I'd really limit contact and avoid since we're at the end the the end is HARD to get through. I'm using imagery, spiritual support, and lots of birth story reading and video watching to help me get over my own personal fears. I know there is no other place I'd want to birth but in my own home, and I will accept no less. I just keep telling myself how unbelievable this birth is going to be and how perfect my little son will be and pushing out the negative thoughts as best I can. It's a delicate line and it's getting harder as time progresses, but I'm managing. Don't let her drag you down, even if it means cutting her out for a while.