Favoritism

[Ornery]

Last night, it came out that my dh (we've been together 8 yrs, married 7), thinks that my family and I favor my oldest ds (his non-biological child) over our two little ones. First of all, I can see how he thinks my parents favor my ds. They are not really interested in kids until they are independent and have their own opinions. I agreed to discuss this with them, gently, and try to figure out ways they can spend more time with my two youngest without stressing them out - they are elderly and can't handle the rambunctiousness.

I told him that, as for me, the situations are very different. When my 14 yr old was 5, it was just me and him (his bio father was never involved) and I worked full time. I lavished all of my attention on him every minute that I could. I spent every spare second with my son because I wanted to. When my dh came into the picture, things changed because I split my spare time between my two favorite people in the world, my ds and my dh. Now I have three children and a dh to split my time between. It doesn't mean I don't love any one of them any less or favor any one of them, it just means that sometimes one will need attention from me and I can't always give it immediately.

He still thinks I favor my oldest over my two younger children. After spending a night awake really really deeply looking into myself about this, I just don't see it. The majority of my time is spent on my two littles, my oldest actually usually gets the shaft because he doesn't need his bottom wiped. I try to connect with him on a daily basis, just as I do countless times a day in little ways with my two littles. He sees me trying to hold my oldest close and thinks I am showing preference.

Help! How do we resolve this? Is counseling in order?

[Seie]

Could you get him to clarify what he means? If you are to solve this, you need to know where it comes from. Saying that he feels you give more attention to one kid isn't enough to make it a fact.

[confustication]

My connection with my oldest is VERY different than my connection with the little ones. She and I were together through all the struggles of her babyhood, leaving her dad, and getting back on my feet. Because of how 'different' her young babyhood was, yes, our relationship is different. Different doesn't mean better or worse, it simply is different. Also, she's much older, we converse, the hands on frantic needs aren't the same, so instead of wiping noses and making sure she isn't getting into the cupboards, we can talk about things. She gets less time than the babies do, but I really try to make sure the time she gets with me is meaningful for both of us.


I'll also be the first to admit that I do try to be there a little extra for her. This is a child whose father effectively threw her away and has no time or interest for her. She's got a great step-dad, but she still needs help on occasion to avoid the self-doubt that goes along with that.

[catina]

As long as you are not exhibiting behaviours that show you favoring one child over another, I don't think you have to apologize for anything. Even if you did feel closer to one child than another, I dont' think that's something you have to apologize for. Also, of course the relationshiop wtih a 14 yr old is going to be different, and that may be read differently.

[momandfriend]

Just do your best in showing love to everybody and I am sure dh will see that you are sincere. We do connect with our kids differently depending on their age but it does not mean we love one less or more than the other/s. I suggest you talk to dh and just tell him how you feel.

I hope you are able to settle this struggle. It is indeed hard to be blending families.

Hugs from Japan!

[Clueless08]

My spouse and I have 2, 2yr boys from previous relationships they are only 3 months apart. He says I've been treating the older of the two (his bio-son) un-fairly favoring my bio son. We sat down and talked about it and I see how he's seeing it and in a way I kind of am favoring my son, and I felt so horrible because I love both my boys, because they are MY boys regardless... I've been trying to work at it and realize that I'm doing this. I don't want to be that kind of Parent at all. Any Advice or suggestions appreciated

[bronxmom]

I think counseling might be helpful because it usually is and it sounds like you guys have some deep (not necessarily bad) issues.  If I had to guess, I'd imagine your husband is feeling like you and your oldest are still something of your own "unit" that have a special closeness that's separate from you and him and the youngers.  You and your oldest have a history and a relationship that predates your new family - you were a family on your own first.  I can imagine that being hard for your husband.  I doubt you are favoring your older kid but the difference of the relationships can be hard to navigate and sometimes unsettling.  I'm in a somewhat similar situation having an older kid (almost 12) from a previous marriage and an almost two year old with my current partner.  It is a funny thing.  On the one hand, my older daughter and I have a very, very intense relationship.  I used to think I could never love anyone as much as I did her. Then my son came along.  I love him differently in so many ways.  Sometimes I worry that I love him more because he's so easy and everything about his babyhood is easy.  But then I worry that I love him less because the intensity is so different and I'm able to let go more.  I have to realize it's just different and that life is incredibly complex.  I imagine your husband is at least somewhat jealous of that relationship you have with your oldest.  He might feel insecure.  He might even be projecting his own insecurity on to his kids.  There's a lot that could be going on. I wouldn't worry about whether he's right or wrong about whether you favor the oldest and focus more on why he feels that way, where his feelings are coming from, what your feelings are and how best you can support each other.  You can do this without a counselor if you make time for it, but it's hard.  A counselor could make it easier.

[Adaline'sMama]

I am forum crashing, but coming from a blended family, I think it is important to note that you were in totally different circumstances when your DS was little. It wouild be compltely unrealistic for your DH to think you wouldnt have a different releationship with someone that was pretty much the sole reciepent of your love and attention. I lived with my father for 5 years after he an my mother divorced. It was so much harder for him then. He had no money, no support, no family (we lived out of state). Our car radio broke once and he couldnt afford to have it fixed, so we played word games for two years. He never had that experience with my sister, because he was never single and broke with her. It is different when its just one parent and one child, and I dont think there is anything wrong with it. Also, as I was the oldest and first grandchild, and my daughter is too, I can confirm that most of the time the oldest is the favorite with the grandparents.

[vbactivist]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

I am forum crashing, but coming from a blended family, I think it is important to note that you were in totally different circumstances when your DS was little. It wouild be compltely unrealistic for your DH to think you wouldnt have a different releationship with someone that was pretty much the sole reciepent of your love and attention. I lived with my father for 5 years after he an my mother divorced. It was so much harder for him then. He had no money, no support, no family (we lived out of state). Our car radio broke once and he couldnt afford to have it fixed, so we played word games for two years. He never had that experience with my sister, because he was never single and broke with her. It is different when its just one parent and one child, and I dont think there is anything wrong with it. Also, as I was the oldest and first grandchild, and my daughter is too, I can confirm that most of the time the oldest is the favorite with the grandparents.

I have found the bolded to be true many times even in traditional families.