Little More than Two Months from the Anniversary - Page 2

[JessicaS]

Nothing we say can help unless you want it to.

You say you are not willing, that is something you are going to have to address with your Dr. We can't make you want to get better.

This is your burden, not your son's and you must carry it. It isn't right to refuse to celebrate his birthday because you will not heal from his birth.

We all know it is difficult, but you have to want healing in order for that to happen.

As for your symptoms why don't you make sure that you write them all down as you notice them so you don't forget anything. I also had laparoscopy after my c-section but it didn't get better. It turned out that I also had a bladder condition that was causing me a lot of issues, that didn't have anything to do with my c-section at all.

[readytobedone]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970

Were you induced? My first ended in much the same way as yours, because I was induced. To this day, I blame myself. I blame myself for all that went wrong and so on. He was not in the right position to be born, and therefore, could not come out. If I had left things alone and allowed him to be born when he was ready, then he could have been in the right position by then. It was my fault.

In your case, it is not fair to blame the baby. It is not his fault. It is the fault of your body or your choices medically or so on.

or...it's no one's fault, a.k.a. "stuff happens." maybe it helps you psychologically to lay the blame on yourself, but self-blame was toxic to me. i only started getting better when i stopped blaming myself for DD's bad birth.

[readytobedone]

OP, what about EMDR? it really helped me immensely.

[JessicaS]

EMDR might be a good route to try. Even if it only works a little it might really help your frame of mind.

When I was feeling awful after my dd was born, it was really the little things that would be the catalyst to helping me get out of that hole.

Birth doesn't always go perfectly, I think most of us posting in this area realize this. When I was planning a HBAC my husband joked that I was a bit "unlucky" as far as medical issues go. Little did he realize that I would soon be facing so many complications.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 12/17/10 at 8:45am

[DocsNemesis]

Wow, I can't imagine blaming my child for a bad birth experience.

As others said, babies don't *know* how to be born. Most of the time, they get in the right position, your body does what it'd supposed to, and theres a baby. Others it just doesn't. Its luck of the draw. For instance, I had HELLP at 33 weeks with my last son. I was having hard, painful contractions, one on top of another for hours. My body was obviously saying yeah, he needs to get out of there. And then at the same time, my cervix was thick and closed. Its like one part of my body realized he needed to be born and the other part was like nope, its not time to open up yet!

Again as someone else mentioned, things have always gone wrong with birth. The difference is that now, baby's are usually saved despite the problems. Prior to this, mom's life always came first, if there was a major issue and baby couldn't be born, they would save the mom. I'm very very sorry that you were made to feel that nothing ever goes wrong if you're prepared for it. Thats just not right to make someone believe. I was prepared and nothing could change that my body just reacted weird to this particular child.

I realize you don't feel that you can heal at this point. Thats fine. But I would really look for specific help with this idea that your birth trauma was your sons fault. Its not, its a huge combo of factors and truthfully, you'll probably never know why he was malpositioned. Its very well possible that he stayed that way for a good reason...or he just ended up being comfy like that. Maybe he tried to move and just couldn't. Regardless, blaming an unborn child for his birth going wrong just isn't right.

Celebrate his birthday. It doesn't have to be about you and your birth-its about celebrating HIM.

[GoestoShow]

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[readytobedone]

Originally Posted by DocsNemesis

Wow, I can't imagine blaming my child for a bad birth experience.

As others said, babies don't *know* how to be born. Most of the time, they get in the right position, your body does what it'd supposed to, and theres a baby. Others it just doesn't. Its luck of the draw. For instance, I had HELLP at 33 weeks with my last son. I was having hard, painful contractions, one on top of another for hours. My body was obviously saying yeah, he needs to get out of there. And then at the same time, my cervix was thick and closed. Its like one part of my body realized he needed to be born and the other part was like nope, its not time to open up yet!

Again as someone else mentioned, things have always gone wrong with birth. The difference is that now, baby's are usually saved despite the problems. Prior to this, mom's life always came first, if there was a major issue and baby couldn't be born, they would save the mom. I'm very very sorry that you were made to feel that nothing ever goes wrong if you're prepared for it. Thats just not right to make someone believe. I was prepared and nothing could change that my body just reacted weird to this particular child.

I realize you don't feel that you can heal at this point. Thats fine. But I would really look for specific help with this idea that your birth trauma was your sons fault. Its not, its a huge combo of factors and truthfully, you'll probably never know why he was malpositioned. Its very well possible that he stayed that way for a good reason...or he just ended up being comfy like that. Maybe he tried to move and just couldn't. Regardless, blaming an unborn child for his birth going wrong just isn't right.

Celebrate his birthday. It doesn't have to be about you and your birth-its about celebrating HIM.

i agree with everything docsnemesis said. the birth stuff is largely luck. lots of times here on MDC, people focus on the things we can do as mothers to have better birth outcomes. this is fine and well because there ARE things we can do to improve our chances of having lovely natural births, but it does not, and it CANNOT, remove the huge element of luck involved.

you had bad luck, i had bad luck, simple as that. you will probably never know why, and it sucks not to know, but knowing wouldn't change the past anyhow. when i stopped trying to figure it out and find a reason for what happened to me, i started getting better.

there is no reason.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 12/17/10 at 8:45am

[readytobedone]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

Well. I'm of the camp that believes people make their own luck as opposed to luck just happening....

if i'm crossing the street and get hit by a bus, did i create my own luck? i see what you're saying, but sometimes, truly, sh!t happens. do you blame everyone around you for what happens to them, or do you only blame yourself for what happens to you? i'm assuming you're being way harder on yourself than you are on others.

And it's not that there is "no reason." There really is a reason, I'm convinced. It's that I may never know what it is, that's true. But that doesn't mean one doesn't exist.

what i meant by no reason is more that IMO there's no reason this thing happened to YOU. of everyone in the world, it happened to you (and some others) and that part of it, there is no reason for. it's not like you did anything to deserve it. neither did i. neither did our kids.

and nothing about motherhood has prodded any feelings except those of failure. I live everyday knowing I am a failure.

that is sad. you need some serious help, and i still don't see why you won't get it.

[lillacfaerie]

I think that Goestoshow is getting help. She has PTSD. Just because people here are uncomfortable with what she's saying doesn't mean we should belittle her or criticize her for her feelings. I understand why Goestoshow doesn't want to celebrate ds's birthday. She has had an incredibly difficult first year with her son. She had an emergency c-section which continues to cause her health problems. Her milk never came in because of the trauma her body experienced, her baby had colic, and he's an incredibly active child. She is feeling cheated out of a happy mommy experience. People with PTSD can't "snap out of it". Her feelings are totally valid. She isn't just disappointed by her birth experience, she is traumatized by it. I applaud her honesty, because I think she needs to express how she feels in order to get better. I have to say that I am really taken back by some of things people have said to her.

[lifeguard]

I am so sorry your experience has been so terrible. It is heartbreaking to read.

Is there a way you can shift the way the birthday celebration is done? Maybe you don't need to be there this time & your family can celebrate with your dc? Or perhaps you can have a conversation with your mom/dp/whoever is most instrumental in the plans & say "listen, something SMALL would be nice but I am NOT willing to go through his birth story one iota. A hat, a couple gifts & sing happy birthday. That's it, that's all."

Is there a way you can try to reframe this occassion in your head? Instead of a celebration of his birth make it a celebration of the life ahead?

[Harmony08]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970

Were you induced? My first ended in much the same way as yours, because I was induced. To this day, I blame myself. I blame myself for all that went wrong and so on. He was not in the right position to be born, and therefore, could not come out. If I had left things alone and allowed him to be born when he was ready, then he could have been in the right position by then. It was my fault.

In your case, it is not fair to blame the baby. It is not his fault. It is the fault of your body or your choices medically or so on. Celebrate the baby's birthday and forgot the anniversary of the bad birth. It is wrong to focus on this as mourning the loss of the birth rather than as the day you met your son and became a mother. The baby is not to blame for any of this.

Why does it have to be some one's fault?

[Harmony08]

OP- are you attached to your son? Do you have a partner? Does your son have a relationship with his grandparents or anyone else? Would it be possible to get some family therapy for all of you in order to support the attachment?

[Barefoot~Baker]

I'm so, so sorry for the hell that you are going through. I urge you to see a new therapist. Please continue to feel welcome to voice your feelings here. The women here care

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 12/17/10 at 8:48am

[Harmony08]

Wow. Yours words about the old you and the new you really struck a chord for me. I definitely have not experienced the trauma or the pain that you have so I don't want it to sound like I am saying that I know what you are feeling. I really related to those words. I have felt the same kind of thing but have not known how to express it. I actually feel stronger since his birth, I feel more like ME, the me i guess i have been waiting to become...but I also felt this disconnect..i couldn't quite incorporate my labor into my sense of myself. I felt okay being a new mom but there was something about the labor that I just couldn't process. I feel totally different than the woman I used to be. I am emotionally distant now from a close friend who wasn't around for me after his birth. I now feel like she doesn't know me. The truth is...she doesn't. Anyway, sorry to make this all about me. I am still working on processing my labor. It still seems very strange to me that I was in labor at all.

I have had depression in my life and the things you were saying about the emotion of the moment and not being able to see the "emotional continuum" sounded familiar to me.

Have you thought at all about some meds??? I know the community here is generally a natural minded lot but you've been though a lot, are still going through a lot, and have tried alternatives. Do you think perhaps this could be some bad PPD combined with PTSD combined with health issues which has become something that is overwhelming you? I had a friend who was totally not herself, anything like herself, after she had her baby. She went on Prozac for a couple of months and she said that it saved her life and her relationship with her daughter. She also did talk therapy but it was the meds that kicked her out of it.

Have you thought about getting your hormones checked? Perhaps they are totally out of whack and making it impossible for you to have any feeling of well being.

Let's be real. You had a traumatic birth, a traumatic year. It is not strange that you are so unwell emotionally. I feel like I felt something like the way you feel in the weeks after my son was born. My body was a mess, my hormones were a mess, my emotions were a mess....maybe you are trapped in that place because of the health issues or whatever else.

I know it sounds corny but I want to think that you can come out of this...that you don't have to spend the rest of your life like this...that you can fix this somehow, someway, someday. That is the nasty little thing about depression...you don't want to fix it. You have more at stake now though than I did when I was depressed years back. You have a child. You are his mother. The only mother he can ever have. Maternal depression is a huge obstacle to healthy attachment in the child and attachment is everything in human development. If you have anything left at all...try to pull yourself out of this for him...so you can have a relationship with him.

[Harmony08]

Just forget about the party. Just tell her no. You aren't ready. I felt like this first birthday was more about me than him ( I did have a party the day after) but I really wanted the day for just the three of us. I sort of traced the whole thing(the days of labor)...ate at the same restaurants, had the same milkshake, etc. I just wanted to be drinking champagne at the moment of his birth. I was going to get a massage but that seemed to close to the birth experience...nudity...a table...etc. I drank my champagne though!!!! The whole thing actually really helped me to process it more. I don't feel as "obsessed" with my birth now.

Not meaning to compare or say I know what you're going through. Just sharing.

[readytobedone]

Originally Posted by lillacfaerie

I think that Goestoshow is getting help. She has PTSD. Just because people here are uncomfortable with what she's saying doesn't mean we should belittle her or criticize her for her feelings. I understand why Goestoshow doesn't want to celebrate ds's birthday. She has had an incredibly difficult first year with her son. She had an emergency c-section which continues to cause her health problems. Her milk never came in because of the trauma her body experienced, her baby had colic, and he's an incredibly active child. She is feeling cheated out of a happy mommy experience. People with PTSD can't "snap out of it". Her feelings are totally valid. She isn't just disappointed by her birth experience, she is traumatized by it. I applaud her honesty, because I think she needs to express how she feels in order to get better. I have to say that I am really taken back by some of things people have said to her.

well, i agree that the OP has attempted to get some help. i don't think the help is helping her that much, however, and i think she should be pursuing other routes more aggressively. i have said so repeatedly.

as for the "she has PTSD," i understand that. i had it too. as much as it sucks, PTSD is not a license to resent your child indefinitely for how he was born. it's not fair to the child.

i'm not suggesting she snap out of it, or that she can. getting help, and getting well, is not the same as snapping out of it.

you can recover from PTSD. once you have, you can actually be happy about your child's birthday. i am merely offering that viewpoint. there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and the OP can do things to hasten her way toward it rather than staying stuck in the tunnel.

[readytobedone]

Originally Posted by lillacfaerie

I think that Goestoshow is getting help. She has PTSD. Just because people here are uncomfortable with what she's saying doesn't mean we should belittle her or criticize her for her feelings. I understand why Goestoshow doesn't want to celebrate ds's birthday. She has had an incredibly difficult first year with her son. She had an emergency c-section which continues to cause her health problems. Her milk never came in because of the trauma her body experienced, her baby had colic, and he's an incredibly active child. She is feeling cheated out of a happy mommy experience. People with PTSD can't "snap out of it". Her feelings are totally valid. She isn't just disappointed by her birth experience, she is traumatized by it. I applaud her honesty, because I think she needs to express how she feels in order to get better. I have to say that I am really taken back by some of things people have said to her.

double posted.