How important is an undistrubed 'babymoon' for you?

[ann_of_loxley]

I guess I won't know how I feel until the time comes, but I would like to hear from you all personally your feelings regarding this.

Most people I know are quick to show their new baby off and get back into the swing of life. But most people I know also choose to live and parent differently. Here on MDC for example, is the first time I heard of a 'babymoon'.

I have been advised a few times by close friends that a babymoon is crucial - very important. A 'must have'. It will help me to bond with baby, etc.

I did not have a 'babymoon' with DS. He was born in hospital and by C-section. I was stuck there for a week and felt isolated. I did not feel it was a special time to bond with my DS and I welcomed as many visitors would come because of the atmosphere and isolation. It was also a complete change to my life and I just wanted as many other things to stay normal as before. Despite all of this, I think I bonded well with him. I think having had a better birth would have made many difference, but I am not sure if having had an undisturbed babymoon would have...or would it? Maybe these feelings were due to his birth and I will feel differently the next time around when I get beautiful birth and my baby gets a harmonious entry into the world. Who knows! lol Or maybe I won't feel differently. I am trying to figure out how this wonderful and peaceful 'babymoon' is supposed to take place when you have more than one child? lol Surely for the benefit of my DS, things should stay as 'normal' for him as possible (which isnt going to be me quietly cooing over my new baby in bed for a few weeks lol). I obviously don't want to be swarmed but at the moment, I am looking forward to getting back out into the big wide world as soon as possible (mostly because I hate feeling isolated and I hate the quiet - despite being an introvert, I do like things and people going on around me - just not nesc invovling me! hehe). But do I really want that?

So how important was an undisturbed babymoon to you? Do you think it helped you to bond more with baby? How did you go about this beautiful harmonious time with more than one child about? etc

[nummies]

To me, it is very important. I did not have that time with my son. After a traumatic birth, we had a constant supply of vistors (hospital birth) and it was draining on me. I felt like everyone got to hold and love on my son but me because I would only get him back when it was time to nurse. It really contributed to my baby blues and I was left crying in the bathroom a lot while everyone else held my son.

This time, I am asking everyone to limit their visiting to short spurts. Sounds selfish, but it is what I need.

I think it is a personality thing. If you like having everyone there, then that is what works for you! If not, don't be afraid to ask for some time to bond.

I also think that your c-section and hospital stay probably had a lot to do with the fact that you wanted everyone around. The hospital can be a lonely place if you are staying for more than a day.

[Pepper44]

Our hospital stay was horrible with my DD because of the visitors. People came and wouldn't leave, the entire time visiting hours were allowed. That was from something like 9 in the morning until 9 at night! I had a lot of blood loss and was stuck in bed, so I couldn't really get up and take DD back from being passed around. As a result, between the visitors and the long mandatory visits to the nursery, I didn't get to hold DD or nurse her more than a couple times in her first 3 days of life. That led to a terrible struggle learning how to nurse.

I also didn't get a babymoon exactly...I laid in bed with my DD and tried to recover from the blood loss and was too weak to do anything for several weeks. We lived with the in-laws, and when my MIL would get home from work she would invite all her friends over to see the baby without asking...it was hands down the worst time of my entire life! I ended up spending weeks shuffling around holding DD and crying.

This time we own our own house, but my DH will be working a lot and probably can't take off, so I'll be taking care of DD and our chickens, pets, and the house right away assuming I'm well after the birth. If I'm not well, I'm not sure what will happen unless my mom is kind enough to take off of work.

I've decided the most important thing for my babymoon is to not have visitors. Immediate family can visit when we're ready and they are not allowed to stay for more than half an hour. It seems harsh, and my MIL will be pissed off, but too bad! I'm keeping the baby glued to my nipples, no passing the baby around except to see him for the first time. And since we'll be at home, no long nursery visits...thankfully.

[alegna]

A babymoon without visitors isn't right for us. #1. We have a crowd at our births #2. We have supportive family and friends who will BRING ME FOOD! #3. I am social and like people around.

With ds I was at playgroup a week later

-Angela

[greenmamapagan]

Originally Posted by alegna

A babymoon without visitors isn't right for us. #1. We have a crowd at our births #2. We have supportive family and friends who will BRING ME FOOD! #3. I am social and like people around.

Yep. For me, DS's babymoon wasn't about not having visitors but about having support so that we could concentrate on bonding. We had plenty of visitors. They dropped off meals or came in and cooked for us, one lovely friend even cleaned our kitchen while I had a bath with DS, they took washing away and brought it back clean. Then when he was 2 weeks old my mother came to stay and she did all of those things and more. When she left friends kept dropping over the odd meal here and there. His babymoon was awesome and I loved the visitors. I guess it helped that we have a strong homebirth community here and they all understood what a babymoon is about. No-one asked to hold him, just what they could do to help.

[Pepper44]

Originally Posted by greenmamapagan

Yep. For me, DS's babymoon wasn't about not having visitors but about having support so that we could concentrate on bonding. We had plenty of visitors. They dropped off meals or came in and cooked for us, one lovely friend even cleaned our kitchen while I had a bath with DS, they took washing away and brought it back clean. Then when he was 2 weeks old my mother came to stay and she did all of those things and more. When she left friends kept dropping over the odd meal here and there. His babymoon was awesome and I loved the visitors. I guess it helped that we have a strong homebirth community here and they all understood what a babymoon is about. No-one asked to hold him, just what they could do to help.

I would so enjoy that type of babymoon!

Unfortunately DH's family and family friends equate visiting with taking the baby. They aren't here to visit us, they only come to pass around MIL's new grandchild.

After I got better from my birth with DD and I started wearing her in a sling, his family actually started disliking me...and told me so...because I was "unfriendly" all of a sudden and refused to pass around my baby constantly. To this day my MIL and her mother and others in my DH's family still hold it against me.

[khaoskat]

I had never heard the term babymoom either until I came to MDC. But I will tell you, for the first little bit (depending upon when baby is born), I just want my DH and kids with me.

With DS1 we told everyone we would call them after baby is born, and they could come visit them. I had a long hard hospital birth - 3 almost 4 days of labor, with only 1 1/2 being at home. Attempted natural birth with non supportive hospital and nurses (although OB was fine with it). Ended up on Pit because I wasn't progressing and was like this for about 18 hours, with about 15 being without pain relief. He was born at 7 pm, and I was cleaned up (as in stitched up and back into some semblence of decency) about 8, and suddenly my MIL shows up about 8:15. A friend of hers is a volunteer at the hospital and was checking to see if I was admitted and when she saw immediately called MIL who rushed right over. I had a friend there already as backup labor support so DH could use bathroom or grab a drink or food. I never really got to hold DS1 after he was born, because MIL wisked him away - I couldn't even burp him good enough for her. So, it was almost 8 hours after birth before I really got to hold and nurse him. Then he was gone again 3 hours later, and not returned for about 5 hours. FIL had called that morning after birth ready to show up. I said not right now, call back later and see how I am feeling. He never called, DH had arranged with me for two friends to stop by right before dinner for a few minutes. FIL showed 30 minutes before them and I was solo with baby. I was also getting sick by this time. He stayed for almost 2 hours, through my dinner time and the other people.

With DS2, we didn't tell anyone where we were giving birth. We told everyone we would call them, again after the birth. We went to a birth center this time. It was great. I had him at 4 am, DH had to go get our eldest, and I needed some sleep, so a friend came over and stayed with me while I slept (had been up since 7 am the day before), to make sure nothing happened with the baby. We called everyone later that morning but told them not to bother coming, because I would be leaving a bit later that day. SIL called and tried talking for hours. The nurse came in to go over some stuff, took the phone out of my hand, hung it up and put it on private.

With DD1, we wanted to be 100% by ourself once things went downhill. We had a friend there to watch the two older boys, but she gave us space and left after the birth with the boys.

With DD2, I don't think anyone came, but MIL is not big on visiting hospitals any longer because of her kidney transplant. I had a friend come stay with me again for a few hours after she got off work, so I could keep baby in my room and DH could deal with the boys and finding someone for them to stay with that night.

I again plan on having some quiet after this baby is born. I want at last 24 hours without massive visitors and unless you are invited to the birth, no visitors for at least the first 8-12 hours. We are hoping for a home birth this time.

I am fine with going back to work, since I work part time from home, almost immediately as DH will provide child care. With this baby due right before summer I think it is great. I get a few weeks of adjustment, then the whole family will be together to bond.

[minsca]

I too never heard about "babymoon" before MDC. I was just questioning myself last night about this issue. And have decided that what I truely want is 1 day with just me and the baby. Since this will be a hospital birth I am going to ask DH that I don't want any visitors that day besides DH and my two girls. After that I'll be out and about as fast as I can. Because 1. I don't have a choice DH has to go back to work ASAP and 2. I get too lonely if I'm at home for too long by myself.

[pjs]

The more kids I have, the more important and longer they become.

[caenach]

DH and I have very large, very involved, very close families and I love them very much. I wanted them to be part of DD’s birth and get to see her as a new little baby. While it was nice to have them all get to visit and hold DD in her first few days, it was dramatic, stressful, and I think it contributed to some difficulties DD had with sleeping/eating in her first few weeks.

We had a relatively private birth and I still remember DH, DD, and I sleeping together in the bed at the midwife center all morning in the quiet. That was so perfect! I wish we’d had a bit more of that.

It’s hard, as a new mom, to stand up for instincts that aren’t proven, that you aren’t sure that you can trust, especially when you have someone with lots of experience telling you what to do. I would preference gentle, reliable, calm friends and family members as visitors/help instead of just letting the “grandparents” take that role by default.

I would be a stickler on people getting hotels and, if they aren’t there to “help” but just to “visit,” limiting those visits to an hour or two at a time. I would not host meals at our home, even if someone else was doing the cooking. I would be more specific about what “help” means to us—yes, you can cook and do dishes or do laundry. No, I do not need you to wash the baby, feed the baby, put the baby to sleep, dress the baby, or hold the baby all day while I do cooking/dishes/laundry.

I would limit the amount of baby holding/passing that happens. Everyone wants to hold the baby but I NEEDED to hold the baby.

[honey-lilac]

It'd be really awesome, but not very realistic in our case. Luckily/unluckily we don't have friends or family who would want to come by and see the baby, but it'd be GREAT to get a break from the older kids and just snuggle. But I'm always up and doing chores and cooking dinner within hours of birth.

[Quinalla]

I haven't been through it yet, but my plan with our first is to have the first week or so just me, DH & our baby girl. My Mom has kindly offered to come stay with us and help out (and she will actually help, not just try to hog the baby), so I asked if she could come after DH goes back to work as I think that will be a nice time to get some extra help. That way we get some just us time and also some good help too. It helps that all our family is far enough away that they can't just drop by to visit, but still close enough that they can drive.

So I think at least a little time with just your immediate family is nice for sure, but it does definitely depend on each family and what works for them.

[finn'smama]

I like to have visitors and everyone I know only stays a short period of time and brings food and helps out. So it's great! I love showing off my new babies and having family and friends snuggle and bond with them. I also have no issues telling folks I'm going to have a nap or whatever so I don't feel like I have to entertain, yk?
I'm usually out and about a week later too...

[thefreckledmama]

Theoretically, very important. As this is my 4th child, the realities of anything being "undisturbed" are another issue altogether.

My main objectives of a babymoon are allowing for plenty of time to just "be", and for adjusting to the new rhythm that adding a new member to the family requires. I generally don't schedule anything of any importance within the first 8 weeks or so after a birth. Any visitors are by invitation only, and even then I like to limit people. I really think of our babymoon as a family event, and like our family to be together as much as possible in the beginning. Last time my MIL couldn't understand why I wouldn't want her taking my two older girls for at least a few days following the birth. For me, those were some of the most precious moments our newly family of 5 had.

[34me]

Originally Posted by Kaleanani

It'd be really awesome, but not very realistic in our case. Luckily/unluckily we don't have friends or family who would want to come by and see the baby, but it'd be GREAT to get a break from the older kids and just snuggle. But I'm always up and doing chores and cooking dinner within hours of birth.

This was us x 3 too

[lillacfaerie]

With dd we had tons of visitors, in the hospital and at home. In fact we had x-mass dinner at our house the day we came home from the hospital. I spent a lot of time cleaning up after visitors. I also felt like I should let out of towners hold my baby, because I figured I would have plenty of time to hold her.....Next time, I am having my baby at home, with a midwife and my dh. In my dreams I picture cuddling with dd and my future baby in bed all day long for weeks! I know it's not gonna happen like that, but here's to dreaming. I'm not letting anyone visit for at least a few weeks. Now that I know they grow up so fast, I'm going to savour every minute!

[lillacfaerie]

Originally Posted by Quinalla

I haven't been through it yet, but my plan with our first is to have the first week or so just me, DH & our baby girl. My Mom has kindly offered to come stay with us and help out (and she will actually help, not just try to hog the baby), so I asked if she could come after DH goes back to work as I think that will be a nice time to get some extra help. That way we get some just us time and also some good help too. It helps that all our family is far enough away that they can't just drop by to visit, but still close enough that they can drive.

So I think at least a little time with just your immediate family is nice for sure, but it does definitely depend on each family and what works for them.

sounds like a very good plan to me. You are a wise momma to be!

[ChetMC]

Not Very

We are not babymoon people. We beg people to visit us and the new baby at the hospital (but they bring food, and don't overstay). As soon as we get home from the hospital, we start thinking of places to go and people to visit to get out of the house. We took DS to a hockey game when he was a couple days old. The entire staff at Costco was very excited to meet our second DD the day we left the hospital.

[BanditaMamacita]

I've never used the term before, but for me, its super important to have time as our own family unit. Unfortunately, DH isn't quite on the same page. When dd was born, I was crystal clear about it with him that I didn't want his family coming and helping like they offered... A few hour long visit would be fine, but i had no desire to deal with the crazy for days on end. I already knew what she (MIL) was going to be like. But at 3 days old, as our feeding problems were peaking, dh panicked and called MIL (L&D nurse), who decided we needed her and showed up uninvited. She pretty much ripped dd from my arms, where i had been calmly syringe feeding her pumped breastmilk, poured it in a bottle, and pumped her jaw for her until she finished 3 ounces of milk 9at 3 days old!!!) Then she insisted i wasn't making enough milk, sent FIL out for formula, and fed her 2 ounces of formula on top of it. I was in tears begging her to stop bc dd was crying and pulling away from the bottle, and she told me that "You don't let the baby tell you when they're hungry and when they're not. They don't know anything." Poor dd vomited for hours. After that, MIL was convinced she had digestive problems and insisted on feeding her sitting in a boppy instead of being held... My poor little girl just wanted to be held She stayed for 2 more days, banging pots and pans around without ever cooking anything for us so that neither of us could sleep, washing my clean laundry cuz she said it looked dirty, cleaning my clean bathtub bc she thought the off-white color "was an accident," generally being rude and overbearing. Moving my decorations bc she didn't like them. Packing up my late mother's belongings that had been left exactly as she had left them, in her room. She had no right to even be in there. And at every opportunity, she ripped dd from my arms, told me i was spoiling her, and dropped her screaming into her crib, bc "babies need to learn their space." She quite literally destroyed the first week of dd's life for me. I still cry when I think about it. I'm still bitter.

After ds, we, of course, turned down any help, and were very very pleased with the short and sweet visits from family members.... It was perfect. We plan to do it the same way this time, which means letting everyone know that we don't want any help and that we need time to just be a family. MIL is already getting started about how she could come stay with us, and maybe dh and FIL could get some work done around my house (sounds relaxing, doesn't it? Hammering away while i try to get a lil sleep....) or how i could send my 2 and 3 year olds to her house... haha. yeah right. No, for me, it's such a private family time. I don't even like to tell anyone i'm in labor till after the baby comes... Like, several hours after. lol.

Anyway, so after my random, unsolicited lil rant... My point is... Yes, a babymoon is so important to me

[carmel23]

I am kind of stressed by visitors, but like them if they keep it brief.

I like being in the hospital for a bit, to rest and bond with baby without all the bustle of my small home with now 3 kids. But, then I like to get out of the hospital ASAP (after a good nap with baby in my arms!, really--it doesn't have to be a full day but could be) to then bond with baby and my kids and DH.

Extended family can show up on the 3rd or 4th day-- that is the perfect babymoon for us. But my children and DH need to be with new baby first, so that it is their baby, too. And then share her/him with everyone else.