Not wanting DH while laboring - Page 2

[Youngfrankenstein]

Interesting thread. I don't think dh has any pipe dreams of being my doula but I don't know how to gently say (so he'd believe me) that I may want to be totally alone during labor. I think our mw would be good at helping me communicate that at the time. I want him to feel free to do "whatever he wants" during the labor if that's watch TV, be on the computer, or sleep.

[perditafoster]

My poor, sweet dh...he has all the personality and motivation of a cinder block when I'm in labor. Fortunately, I figured this out with my last and labored alone, at night, in the dark, wandering our house, until I was ready to push. Then he was on top of things, helping, coaching, encouraging and caught ds like a pro. But that man needs to stay the hell away from me while I labor....the last thing I need is his pudding face, staring at me, saying helpful things like "I don't know what to do. What should I do? Do you want a towel? What should I do? I'm hungry. Can I get you something? Does it hurt?"

Honestly, you'd think the man's brain was made of cheese the stupid things he says and does while I'm in labor. He means well, but his tactic when stressed is to go to sleep. So guess what he does the second I need him in labor? That's right, snooze-ville. With dd #2, he fell asleep, sitting upright, rubbing my back during contractions. With my mw, doula, and mother all hollering at him to wake up! With dd #1, he was either asleep in a chair next to the bed or in the cafeteria eating with his parents. I swear, every 30 minutes he'd disappear and come back smelling like Cheetos!!!!!

With ds, I wisely let him sleep, didn't even tell him I was in labor when he went to sleep, and woke him up 45 minutes before ds was born. Much better and I never felt like murdering him like I did the other times And no, he didn't care at all that I hadn't told him. He was grateful, because, as he said, "I'm no good to you during labor anyway. I would have sat and stared at you until you punched my lights out!"

[jljeppson]

My last client didn't have her hubby during labor and delivery and we didn't allow him in much afterwards for quite a while. That sounds bad, but he spazzes big time and since she's the kind that says "I'm in labor? Alright, lets have this baby" and bam the baby is there. When it comes to birthing, I've never seen a woman that is in so much control of her body and it's processes. Anyway, he is extremely disruptive and disturbing to the energy in the room and since this last was their first home birth there was no way she could handle that kind of negativity. When he was busy with the kids and he was doing fine, but if he peeked in he would start to flip out. Much better that this dad NOT be there.

[sothisislove]

What does UC stand for again?!

[jljeppson]

Unassisted childbirth. It refers to a woman and partner, or in some cases just woman, that have chosen to labor and deliver without medical personnel present. The degrees vary according to the family. Sometimes it's with a midwife in another room, sometimes it's with a midwife on call if they want/need an extra pair of hands, sometimes it's with the complete decision to have no assistance available whatsoever beyond the parent/parents (besides emergency services if necessary). This is probably more than you were asking, but I figured better put it all rather than you having to ask more if you wanted a further clarification.

[onyxravnos]

I don't know if i will want there or not... For a while it looked like he may be working (up north several hours away) when I give birth which I was secretly a little thrilled by... I figure if it turns out I need him to go away I'll just send him on some sort of 'errand' - ice packs , juice, whatever...

[nudhistbudhist]

I didn't want DH to talk to me, or look at me, but I needed him to follow me around the house while I leaned on wall, chairs, counters etc so that he could squeeze my hips for EVERY contraction for 32 hours straight He took a one hour nap and my doula tried to do what he was doing, and it sucked! DH is SUPER STRONG and was able to squeeze my hips sooooo hard that almost all the pain was gone. What I still can't figure out is how he was able to physically keep it up for that long! I think it must have been love (or fear of that horrible noise I would make if he DIDN"T squeeze my hips lol).

But honestly, I wouldn't have cared who was doing it, as long as it worked!!!

[2sw33t]

My DH was great during delivery, encouraging me and physically supporting me, but was useless during labor. He didn't "get" labor at all, couldn't understand why I was uncommunicative, and he whined about my mother probably being in the room during delivery even tho we'd told her it was just going to be me and him.

This time, I'll try not to let him know I'm in labor and give him something to do that will take his attention for a while.

Always,
Jill

[zoebird]

yeah, it's no biggie. i would say for the first 16 hrs of my labor (24 total), i really didnt' need a lot of support. i was quiet and enjoying myself in one area of the house, and DH was quietly reading and meditating (and eating) in another part of the house. when i wanted him, he was there.

i think in that last 8 hrs, he was near by, but in a different room for about `1/3-1/2 of the time.

[lovebug]

i am in your boat! i am not PG yet and i am unsure when that will even happen, but it stresses me out to even think about DH in the room with me while i labor. i have already talked to my BFF about comming out to Colorado to help because the thought of it just being DH, mid wife and my mom is a huge stress!

s your not alone and if your DH is anything like my he will thatnk you and not be upset.

[lovebug]

2x post

[paxye]

I am having my second UC and again DH will know that his roll in the birth is to get things I need and watch over the kids if they need attention and be there if I need him when the baby is crowning...

Besides that I need to labour alone...

[mntnmom]

I hate being touched in labor. It breaks my focus. DH's presence is comforting, at a little distance. I have snapped at him more than once "don't touch me!". He's very accomodating, and after the first 2 babes (and 3 yrs married) together, we had the whole thing worked out.
I wish I'd realized this about myself in advance and been able to discuss it with him. Your wishes seem normal to me. I think communicating what you need is the only way to get it, without distancing him from the process. THIS is how he can best support you if it's what you need.

[phatchristy]

Originally Posted by jljeppson

That sounds bad, but he spazzes big time and since she's the kind that says "I'm in labor? Alright, lets have this baby" and bam the baby is there. When it comes to birthing, I've never seen a woman that is in so much control of her body and it's processes. Anyway, he is extremely disruptive and disturbing to the energy in the room and since this last was their first home birth there was no way she could handle that kind of negativity. When he was busy with the kids and he was doing fine, but if he peeked in he would start to flip out. Much better that this dad NOT be there.

Yeah--I'm like that woman. I seem to be really in control of things mentally. To the point that last time I made the decision to 'have a baby' and it worked too well the mw didn't make it.

I think instinctively mammals ARE solitary laborers and birthers. Though in my case I've had people there near the end. Turning inward and into yourself is part of birthing.

One (funny as I look back) memory I had of DH coming in to check on me when I was in transition with my third. He came in with a piece of pepperoni lovers pizza from pizza hut which apparently he had delivered for the older kids. The smell was horrific. I threw him some attitude and gave him the look. LOL. It's funny now, but I'm not going to let anyone distract me in transition.

[sothisislove]

Originally Posted by jljeppson

Unassisted childbirth... .

Thanks...I had the 'unassisted' part, but couldn't think of a 'c' word that made sense! LOL....Preggo Brain!!

[jljeppson]

I figured you didn't need the long explanation, but what can I say? I like to hear (see) myself talk!