Second baby not the same?

[Spring Sun]

I thought I would put this out there to see who else is having these feelings. Amelia is my second baby, and while I love her a lot, I do not love her like I do Elijah. I heard everyone worrying about that when they were pregnant, but I did not know I would actually feel this way.

Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no bad or depressed feelings about her. I love her, it is nice to have her, I am glad she is my baby, but I am not overwhelmingly in love with her like I am with Elijah. Plus, with Elijah, the first few months were dreamy and heavenly.

Is it just bc she is five weeks and I have not gotten any positive feedback from her yet (smiles, eye contact, hugs, personality, etc...), or is it just bc when we had Elijah we were parents for the first time and our whole lives changed? Or maybe bc she has had a colickey two weeks and I am tired and overwhelmed? Or that I am working full time WHILE I have her and I am stressed out and overwhelmed? And not sleeping? A combo of everything?

How are you guys feeling? I know, it is mother blasphemy to even be saying all this! But I am honest with my feelings.

[Georgetown HB Mom]

Hi,

I am in the April DDC but saw your post and wanted to reply. I think what you are feeling is very normal. Although with me it was the other way around. I felt a lot more love quicker towards my second than I did my first. With my first I had a traumatic birth experience and it took me years to get over it emotionally. With my second I had a beautiful homebirth and I caught her myself and was in such awe of that experience that I felt differently right away. Now, my girls are 13 and 4 and I can honestly say now that I love them both with everything that I am but it is for sure a growing process. I think as your children get older and you share experiences with them and watch them grow and learn that your love deepens over time. Right now, you are sleep deprived and you are dealing with two children vs. one and it takes time to get adjusted and to get to know your new little person and her to get to know you. You will eventually fall in love with her.

Lisa

[Mamabeakley]

Love is not at its core a feeling. At its core, love is a verb, not a noun. You are loving your DD as much as you possibly can. But it sounds like you're feeling a lot of stress, too. And when you're stressed those lovey juicy feelings are harder to feel, notice, and nurture. I certainly don't *feel* loving when my baby pukes on me while screaming at midnight in the car still miles from home. But I do still love her, IYKWIM. I just *feel* frustrated and like sitting down and crying at that moment.

Kids are different, too. My DS1 is a very intense person & the kind of intense connection he NEEDS is in some ways more personally gratifying to me than the looser, more laid back connection DS2 needs. I felt almost unconnected to DS2 as a baby b/c he just didn't need me as much. But we really were an attached mama-baby pair. And he is part of my heart just as much as DS1. But in a different feeling way. DD is different still - I am different as her mama - than either of my boys.

Babies are people. We have different relationships with different people. And that is as it should be.

[saoirse2007]

it took me about 2 years to bond with my first (ds)....2 seconds with dd

[LMI Mom]

Popping in from the September DDC...I'm having the opposite experience here. It was love at first sight with my 6 week old as compared to my 2.5 yo. I thought it was because I had undiagnosed PPD with my first and this time I'm medicated, but DH confessed he also feels that way.

I don't believe I love one child more than the other, it's just that it took a little longer to bond with my oldest.

[Abraisme]

Originally Posted by LMI Mom

Popping in from the September DDC...I'm having the opposite experience here. It was love at first sight with my 6 week old as compared to my 2.5 yo. I thought it was because I had undiagnosed PPD with my first and this time I'm medicated, but DH confessed he also feels that way.

I don't believe I love one child more than the other, it's just that it took a little longer to bond with my oldest.

Only I didn't have any ppd either time.

[Pernillep]

I am having the same issue.
Jonas is a little over 5 weeks and I still don't "feel" bonded to him. He is more this little thing that is just here peeing and pooping all day. I take care of him and love him on an intellectual level because he is my son but I am not emotionally in tune with him the same way. With my first it was immediate love at first sight.

I know my birth experience has a lot to do with it. I never got the benefit of the natural chemicals release this time around. Also, since i was knocked out and missed several hours I had a strong feeling that he was not mine when I first saw him. He did not look anything like I had imagined. He is finally starting to resemble his brother a little and I am seeing me and my husband in him. But with my first we immediately saw me in him.
I hope it gets better because I feel really guilty about it.

[Flower of Bliss]

Stacey, I feel differently about my two girls too. With DD1 I was transitioning to being a mom. I had NO local friends with tiny ones. I spent day in day out for weeks and weeks mostly just sitting on the couch nursing my new baby (who generally slept still latched on and sucking). She was my whole world.

With DD2, I still have DD1. I have to meet her needs too. She and I (and DH too of course) have built a life and a community here. DD1 is VERY social and active. Since before she was 2 weeks old, DD2 has been out and about pretty frequently - taking DD1 to her Little Gym and Kindermusik classes, attending our UU church services (every Sunday since she was 9 days old!!!), going to the library, going to the park, running errands, etc.

In some ways, the birth of DD2 has been seamless. She was born at home. Honestly, in large part, she just fits right in. Her birth has not turned our lives upside down like the birth of DD1 did. DD2 doesn't feel as new, magical, tiny, and delicate as DD1 did. Maybe it's because she was more than 2 lbs bigger than DD1 at birth. Maybe it's because babies were way less foreign to my day to day life this time. Maybe it's because I just haven't been solely focused on her.

It's a different experience, a different baby, it's all different. Sometimes I resent DD1 and her needs - I just want to sit and bask in the glory of my tiny new baby, or I finally hand off DD2 to DH so I can get a bit of a break to eat or pee or whatever and DD1 jumps right in and says "Mommy, can you be with me now?". Sometimes I resent DD2 and her needs - DD1 is desperate to sleep against me and her new sister at night, but she just moves way too much and way to violently to be safe with a tiny newborn (she still sleeps in our bed with DH snuggling her), or DD1 wants to sit in my lap and read a book but I can't manage to hold DD1, nurse DD2, hold a book, and turn the pages all at once. I love them both, but it's very very different.

As an aside, last night I was on facebook and DD1 saw a photograph of your DS on my newsfeed. She was immediately enchanted - "who is that?" I told her it was a little boy named Elijah. She wanted to see more pictures of him, and sat there looking at pictures of Elijah and his new baby sister for awhile. It was very sweet

[Mamatoabunch]

I have not fell in love w/ each baby right away. I did w/ one of my first born twins, but the other was in NICU for 12 hours, so it took more time w/ her. Then one had black hair after 5 w/ blond so I was kind of thrown off by that. Anyway w/ time it came. I am just now starting to fall in love w/ Finnian at almost 7 weeks.

[Jilian]

First I want to say that I think it is awesome that you are willing to discuss this because with many people it seems to be the taboo thing that no one wants to talk about. I think it is really common. Motherhood is so romanticized in our culture so when we don't instantly feel our hearts bursting with love we feel like something is wrong. The truth is, nothing is wrong. It is rare to feel love at fist sight. Love grows over time. You don't just fall in love with someone because it is what you are supposed to do, it starts slow and each new experience strengthens it.

I've been the same way with each of my kids. I've found that the fussier the child the slower the bonding process. DS1 had major colic and it took me a while to really feel bonded to him because I felt like he could take or leave me. With DS2 we TTC for 6 mos and had a loss so the love came a bit easier then he got really sick and we almost lost him so the love grew to enormous proportions. With DD I expected that it would start slow and grow and that is exactly how it is. She's 6 weeks now and I adore her but suspect it will keep growing. Honestly, it is hard to think clearly in a sleep-deprived haze!

[mouso]

nak
I felt that way w/dd. this time I was in love immediately. but dh was the opposite. it is so common, mama.

[Talula Fairie]

Honestly, I think it's normal to feel different about your children. They are different people, after all!

I'll be completely honest when I say that I have a deeper bond with #2 than I do with #1. My first is extremely high needs and very inflexible. It makes it hard sometimes to feel really warmly towards her. And while #2 is far from a perfect angel, she is also extremely sweet and more of a go-with-the-flow type (though she loves to cause trouble for which her sister tattles on her all the time, ).

I love both my kids of course. My third, I'd say is right in the middle. She isn't as fussy as my first and is not as laid back as my second. I feel bonded to her, though I haven't gotten to know her really since she's so young. She's definitely going to be a spirited one, I can tell already

[Talula Fairie]

Originally Posted by Jilian

First I want to say that I think it is awesome that you are willing to discuss this because with many people it seems to be the taboo thing that no one wants to talk about. I think it is really common. Motherhood is so romanticized in our culture so when we don't instantly feel our hearts bursting with love we feel like something is wrong. The truth is, nothing is wrong. It is rare to feel love at fist sight. Love grows over time. You don't just fall in love with someone because it is what you are supposed to do, it starts slow and each new experience strengthens it.

I've been the same way with each of my kids. I've found that the fussier the child the slower the bonding process. DS1 had major colic and it took me a while to really feel bonded to him because I felt like he could take or leave me. With DS2 we TTC for 6 mos and had a loss so the love came a bit easier then he got really sick and we almost lost him so the love grew to enormous proportions. With DD I expected that it would start slow and grow and that is exactly how it is. She's 6 weeks now and I adore her but suspect it will keep growing. Honestly, it is hard to think clearly in a sleep-deprived haze!

YES to the bolded. That is exactly how I felt too. I could never put my finger on why it was harder to bond to a fussy baby and that is totally it.

Also, I totally think you are tired and overwhelmed. I would not work full time with a baby this young personally, I know I could not handle it. Hope you get some rest soon, mama.

[GradysMom]

double post

[GradysMom]

with ds -post csec- I was down right clingy and protective. I couldn't sleep if he wasn't laying on my stomach. I felt very protective of him. I love'd him right off because he looked right up at me the first time I spoke to him. He was very alert and my voice calmed him. We had taken a beating together iykwim

now with dd I was a bit suprised at first that she didn't look at me exactly and my voice wasn't magic right off the bat. She was more of a job and a duty... all this suprised my because I had my VBAC and thought that would provide me with a stronger oppturnity to bond and even though I got to hold her right away... she was a stranger.

I had to remind myself that when I first saw ds he was a stranger too and the bonding came slowly in its own way too - if I was honest with myself- all that protective stuff was different from "totally in love"

I think I bonded a chunk faster with ds than with dd but I now feel pretty darn close to her too, so I caught up

We had to get to know eachother and I had to wake up and realize she is not the same baby - with very different ways and a much stronger latch

we are at 5 wks today and I'm just starting to really feel it

[Amanda Williams]

It is a totally different relationship with each baby, I've learned.
With #1, total love at first sight, then with #2, I was immediately comparing her to her older sister. With #3, I was TOTALLY overwhelmed by adding a third and she was pretty needy, I adore her now. I adore all three of our girls, now, of course. I do favor one over the other two a bit, but only because our personalities mesh better....

With our 4th and first son, it has just been different. I definitely feel like it is a job and my duty to care for him, but I do feel pretty bonded to him at this point. He is 8 weeks old. I went through a few weeks of PPD and I felt like I needed him next to me 24/7 just to make it through each moment. Now I can leave him alone if he is asleep and I am happy to cuddle and nurse him when he wakes up.

I agree with Talula, I could never work full time with a teeny baby. Is there any way you can cut back on the photo shoots? You'll be able to make money and take photos for years, but you'll never get this precious time back with your little Amelia. I think the stress of the work may be making this go around a little more difficult for you. I hope things get better, Stacey! Hugs.

[LilWin]

I know what you mean! With my DD it took me a while to feel all those feelings, simply because her birth was so much drama and the shock of becoming a mother etc.
With DS1, I felt an instant connection from the moment I knew I was pregnant, that was totally weird. I still have that. He looks like me (on the outside) and has a personality that matches with mine. He's an aquarius, as are my closest friends. He's also a peoples-person (does this make sense? did I spell it right?) so he knew how to bond with me (and others) as a baby instinctively. He's also the most high-needs and intense one of the three because of that.
Now with DS2 I just feel like the bond grows slower than it did with DS1, but more organically as him and me get to know each other.
I've definitely noticed this is a taboo to talk about, but in a way that's strange because you can never like every person the same way. It doesn't mean you feel less love for any of your children, sometimes you just have one that you connect with easier. Just like with your friends and/or siblings.

[vermontmom]

I have been feeling exactly the same as Stacey with my 6-week old DD. LOVED DS at first sight after a traumatic Cesarian birth - if anything it brought us closer together as I vowed to make up for his birth with all my love. He was high-need and sensitive as well which brought out a lot of attention from me.
But I will say this: After I finally admitted my feelings about laid-back DD at 5 weeks, and actually started to make an effort to look her in the eye, smile at her, and work harder to make that bond happen, it's been happening more and more naturally. The more I smile and love her, the more I MEAN those smiles and love. We're on the right path now.