*Discipline* for a child who is too giving?

[AahRee]

I suppose this is, in some ways, a good problem to have, but I'm still not exactly sure how to handle it.

Katie (7) is very, very giving. Too much so, in fact. For example, today I went to pick her up from school, and found her standing in the rain in capri pants and a short-sleeved t-shirt - no coat. I sent her to school with a coat, but at recess, one of her friends wanted it, so she "loaned it to her for the day". The child had her own coat in her classroom, so while this child went home on the bus with her own coat and Katie's, Katie was left out in the rain with no coat. This friend is her BFF (they have been since they were about 3) and we love her dearly, but she frequently asks Katie to loan or give her things, and Katie also often offers. Katie loves to give, and her friend loves to take. (This is a source of frustration for her BFF's mom, as well, so it's not as though they are unaware. They have talked to their daughter about it, but it persists - because K loves to give, and her BFF loves to receive.) And when it's little things, like toys or crayons or whatever, I honestly don't care. But it is often bigger things - like the coat today, and earlier this summer, it was a pair of shoes that MIL brought DD as a gift from a trip to Ghana. (We almost didn't catch that "giveaway" before it left the house, and I imagine MIL would have been fairly upset if we hadn't caught it at the last second.)

Anyway, I've talked to Katie about this, and told her she needs to ask us before offering any of her things to her friends, but it doesn't seem to be sinking in. DH suggested that we take away a toy if she disobeys us on this again... but since she gives away her toys rather freely, I'm not sure if that would be the most effective consequence. (If you give away a toy without asking permission, you'll lose a toy... logically, that just doesn't make sense as a consequence to me...)

Any other ideas for how we might teach DD that, while we love her giving spirit, it's important that she not loan or give things away without asking us first?

[Ellp]

Wow, thats a hard one. On the one hand you want her to keep her generous spirit but on the other hand you want her to think of herself once in a while.

I wouldn't punish her for her generosity. I would probably just talk to her about how she felt standing outside, cold and wet, and how that could have been avoided. The logical consequence of giving away her coat is to be cold and wet.

In the case of the shoes, ask her how her grandma would have felt knowing that she gave the shoes away?

Also, would Katie be as likely to give away her things if she actually earned them and valued them?

[AahRee]

Thanks Ellp! She does have the chance to earn things from time to time (she's started getting a little allowance, and she saves it towards things she wants to buy), but she knows that grandma will provide anything she really *needs*, so I think she gives things away easily because she doesn't worry about needing anything?

[sunnmama]

I'd have her participate in the process of calling and asking for the things to be returned. Explain that it wasn't something she was allowed to give away, and we need to ask for it back.

[rainyday]

We actually have a similar situation, though not quite as extreme! I honestly think that the best course is probably mostly to continue doing as you do. The one thing that I might add is to start talking to her about boundaries and how sometimes people might ask for more than we can reasonably give without hurting ourselves, and how we need to be able to respect ourselves and say no in these situations. Also, perhaps repeated conversations about how friends like us for who we are, not what we can give them might be in order, depending on the dynamic. It sounds a bit as if she could feel a bit of pressure (whether internal or from her friend) to keep giving in order to maintain the friendship. You could also touch on how giving of our hearts and our time is another way we give to our friends and loved ones; it does not have to be objects.

As she grows up, she will learn what boundaries she needs and how to enforce them. In the meantime, I'm not sure that "discipline" in the sense of punishment is appropriate, but rather discipline as teaching. I guess I see this as more of a situation where she may need help to learn how to set reasonable boundaries and treat herself well so that these things become a natural, internalized part of her self concept/self respect.

[harrietsmama]

Originally Posted by rainyday

We actually have a similar situation, though not quite as extreme! I honestly think that the best course is probably mostly to continue doing as you do. The one thing that I might add is to start talking to her about boundaries and how sometimes people might ask for more than we can reasonably give without hurting ourselves, and how we need to be able to respect ourselves and say no in these situations. Also, perhaps repeated conversations about how friends like us for who we are, not what we can give them might be in order, depending on the dynamic. It sounds a bit as if she could feel a bit of pressure (whether internal or from her friend) to keep giving in order to maintain the friendship. You could also touch on how giving of our hearts and our time is another way we give to our friends and loved ones; it does not have to be objects.

As she grows up, she will learn what boundaries she needs and how to enforce them. In the meantime, I'm not sure that "discipline" in the sense of punishment is appropriate, but rather discipline as teaching. I guess I see this as more of a situation where she may need help to learn how to set reasonable boundaries and treat herself well so that these things become a natural, internalized part of her self concept/self respect.

Yeah this

Also she may outgrow this a bit when she is 8ish and can think differently. around 8 is when kids turn the corner in understanding stuff like reality vs. fantasy, time becomes more concrete ie future effects. I really like how rainyday suggested talking with her though, great conversation!

[AGF]

I would love to know what it is about giving her things away that makes it worth it to her to be cold and wet.

Is it the joy she sees in the other person when they get something new, the thank you, was it pressure to give, the feeling of no longer having the object?

I know as a kid I gave away a lot of things because I felt guilty having so much. Showy gratitude was pushed at our house to such an extent that we were made to feel like we weren't worth what we were given and that we should show people that we were aware of that.

Anyway, I would ask her why she liked to share her things-- being clear that it is not a bad thing, that you were just wondering what she was feeling. And then help her sort what is necessary for her to keep to be healthy and happy and what she can give freely.

Also, maybe you and she can go shopping for some little things like stickers, animals, fake jewelery or something that she can keep in a special box so that when she feels compelled to give she can give from her special stash.

She sounds like a lovely girl.

[Momily]

My 10 year old son is similar. The other day his class went on a day long hike. He told me it was fun but he got thirsty. Since he's usually kind of a camel (e.g. never thirsty never has to pee) I was surprised and asked if the large bottle of water with a little lemon I had sent had been enough. He told me that he had given it, and most of his lunch to his friend M because M didn't like the school lunch or the drink they gave him that day, but then it turned out that M did like so he ate both lunches, and my son didn't have any.

Now, I guess the natural consequence for giving away your lunch is that you're hungry, but the natural consequence for hiking all day without a drink can be more serious than that, so I wasn't amused.

For us, part of it is that he's a kind generous kid, but part of it is his insecurity about friendships -- he worries that people won't like him. He's got a BFF too (who thankfully doesn't ask for stuff), who is the most popular kid in the class. This is a mixed blessing, because it means that DS is always in the center of the social group, which he loves, but also that he's aware that all those kids would like to "depose" him, so to speak. M is one kid who doesn't get along with BFF, and I think DS is kind of entranced with the idea of having a friend who is "all his", but at the same time, worries that he won't be able to hold on to him so he does stuff like giving him his lunch.

So, I have no solution, just commiseration. Sorry.

[meemee]

my dd is the same way.

and i dont stop her. if anything i encourage it.

as long as its from a place of joy and not low self esteem.

dd and i volunteer a lot - and she calls me on a LOT of things. from when seh was 5 she has been discussing and bringing up morality issues. and i notice the issues that teh situations bring up for her.

it really moves her to give things away. i let her experience her disappointment if she gave away without thinking. then she brushes it off and says - oh she is having more fun with my toy - she needs it more.

she has been cold, hungry - but it was her decision. and i always respect that.

which is why i tell anyone who gives her special things not to expect them to remain. if she finds someone she might pass it on.

teh absolute amazing thing - she always gets taht item back. she gave away her only coat, she soon got a handknitted poncho and hat and gloves.

her giving nature shines thru and people really appreciate that.

however that is how i am too. when i made a life change i gave away everything except for a few special things and the clothes on my and my dd's back. by the time a year went by i got everything back. a fully furnished apt with me buying v. little.

[Kismet_fw]

It's great for a child to be generous, but they need to learn to budget it - giving the coat away could cost your child their health. Giving away shoes can mean costly damage to the feet. Volunteer work or charitable giving (from the standpoint of only being allowed to put in a certain amount of work hours or a certain dollar budget per month) might make it possible to guide her giving nature.

With mine I had to make a hard & simple rule: not allowed to give ANYTHING away without parents permission - because the child did not spend their own money to get those things. Still caught a few other kids trying to either take, or jealously destroy, the coveted items.