Muslim mamas, I have a question for you!

[lorijds]

This is particularly for anyone who can give me some insight on Saudi Arabian cultural practices.

It's kind of a long story but I'll make it short and sweet.

I'm a liberal, 40ish gal in a liberal, midwestern college town. About 7 years ago, I worked at a birth center. Through this birth center, I met a young couple from Saudi Arabia--I mean young, I think she was barely 19 and he must have been all of 23. He was here studying and they had their first baby with us, I was the nurse in attendance. I visited their home twice. Once in a more official, professional capacity, to check on the mother and baby, although I ended up staying for two hours. The young man was there as well, as the mother did not speak much English, but we all chatted and had a very pleasant visit. Later the midwife and I visited as guests at a dinner. I brought my young daughters, and it was a dinner that was all women and children, and it lasted maybe 5-6 hours, and it was absolutely lovely. My children were young at the time, and they STILL talk about it whenever anything regarding Saudi Arabia/middle eastern culture comes up.

This couple moved back home shortly after the birth of their child. We occasionally keep in email contact, the father and I, as the mother does not speak English well.

Here is my question. He mentioned that he would someday soon like to visit the US again, and he said he would love to come back to our town when he does. I'm not sure if he would bring his entire family, or just his wife and himself, or if he would be alone

Is it appropriate for me to invite him to dinner? Our house is small and so I could not offer him a place to stay, and I think he would not be comfortable with that anyhow. They were the most conservative Muslims I have ever personally known: she wore the full hijab with facial covering, he was bearded and was unable to touch any other woman (for example, when I handed him the baby, I laid the baby on the bed for him to pick up, so we would not touch), that sort of thing. I have attended other muslim families in a nursing capacity, but they were definitely the most traditional/conservative that I have encountered.

If they would visit, I would want to see them again. He never met my husband or my daughters, and of course she did not ever meet my husband. They are such delightful people, I would be sad not to see them, but I would feel horrible if I made them uncomfortable by any sort of invitation.

I guess I'm looking for a little guidance in how conservative Muslims vacation! I hope that doesn't sound completely ignorant. Should I invite him/them (depending on if he comes alone or with his family) over for dinner? I could make a halal dinner, I think, or I could buy one from a local market. Or would it be better just to have him/them over for coffee? Or would it be preferable to meet him/them at a local coffee shop or cozy restaurant for dinner? Or do you think he/they would prefer to invite me/us for coffee at their hotel or wherever he/they are staying?

I know there isn't much mixing of genders socially, and I realize that he and I had an interesting, nontraditional relationship, since he needed to be there whenever his wife was there, because he acted as her translator. I know he probably would not have interacted nearly as much with a strange woman otherwise, but he adjusted based on their needs at the time. We struck up a nice, very casual friendship that has continued over the years with the occasional email update on our families and lives. I want to see him/them if they visit, but I just don't know how to offer to arrange it. I think they would feel comfortable telling me if the arrangement wasn't right--but I also don't want to suggest 10 different things and have all of them be socially incorrect.

Does this make any sense? I'm just trying to get a general feel for how to socially interact with a rather conservative Muslim man from Saudi Arabia and his family if he/they come to visit, and whether our families can get together or if it is something we have to do separately, or in some sort of public or private environment. I know individuals vary, I just want some sort of guidance.

This all started with the email he sent, mentioning wanting to return to visit some time soon. And when I was emailing back, I almost asked him about whether it would be just him or him and his wife, or the entire family, and I almost said something like "Let me know whenever you plan to come, I'd love to see you all again." and then I wondered if that was appropriate, so I just deleted all that. And then I thought I would come here, because I knew SOMEONE here would be able to give me some advice!!!

Thanks in advance!

Lori

[AutumnSunshine]

If you invited him as a "our family is inviting you" situation where your husband is present, and he came by himself, I believe he would probably come. If he continues to have email contact with you and doesn't brush you off in that scenario, then I think he would probably see visiting you and your family as okay. If it was just you, a woman by yourself, it would be seen as inappropriate. Conservative and even observant Muslims do not spend time alone with a woman socially and strictly avoid situations in which an unrelated man and woman will be alone together in a room or building. But if your dh is there, there should be no problem. I think they will be thrilled that you are going out of your way to make a halal meal for them.

If his whole family may come, then there is nothing wrong IMO with saying "I'd love to see you all again" since you are obviously implying his whole family and since obviously he needs to translate for his wife. It sounds to me like they are mature enough and acculturated enough that they understand what you mean.

If you're asking whether or not you and your dh could invite him and his wife, then you may have a slightly more tricky situation. Each family seems to have their own sensitivities with respect to that, even among very conservative Muslims, so I think it totally depends on how your friends feel personally. Some people will never attend a gathering that is not rigidly separated in separate rooms, some will be fine if there is a room divided, some will be fine if everyone sits at the same table but on opposite sides (either men one side-women other side or each couple per side.)

Do you have separate living/dining areas in your house, for example? For some people it's enough if you have the women in one area and the men in another, maybe with a folding screen or something in between so that the lady can lift up her face veil to eat comfortably. We had one of those folding rice paper screens for this purpose. When we lived in a 1-br apartment we sometimes moved furniture around in our bedroom and had the men eat back there while the women and kids would have the living/dining/kitchen area. It's pretty much a staple element of American Muslim culture to stick the guys in the back somewhere and give the women and kids the larger area/ area that opens to the kitchen.

If she wears a face-veil you'd have to see how comfortable she is at restaurants. It may be possible to get a semi-private room or back area where she can lift up her veil to eat, or maybe not. Or home with some kind of divider as described above may be more comfortable. Or if she has any babies she needs to nurse, she will also want the maximum privacy situation.

I think some people can be thrown off by the conservative rules about dress and gender interactions, or even just the word "Saudi Arabia" LOL but overall, even the most conservative Muslims are really understanding and tolerant. We have had a few families in our community like your friends and they are really quite tolerant and open-minded.

[umsami]

I'm not Saudi.... but am Muslim. My opinion, would be to invite him to dinner, but clearly specify that your husband and kids would be there. Then it's up to him to accept/decline. I don't think it matters whether you host him in your home or at a restaurant, as long as your husband is present.

I would also make the invitation for his whole family... in case his wife and kids are coming with him.

In my experience, at least, even among conservative Muslims they don't expect non-Muslims to act the way a fellow conservative Muslim would act. So they tend to be very accepting/gracious as to not make you feel uncomfortable.

As for halal... there are different schools of thought. Some people accept any meat available in the US, because they assume that it was slaughtered by "people of the book" as most Americans are Christian or Jewish. Some people do the former, but they specify humanely raised. Others prefer to buy kosher or halal marked meat to be on the safe side. Still others simply rely on vegetarian or seafood as those items are always halal.

[Liquesce]

It's awesome that you're trying to be sensitive, but it sounds like you might be overthinking this a little bit. There really are scant few Saudi people who are not aware that Americans hold a more relaxed attitude towards gender mixing ... I promise you are not going to put your foot in your mouth no matter how you go about it. Just relax and be yourself ... at the very worst they'll decline and appreciate the gesture. But there really is no great risk of inpropriety in inviting any Muslim man to your home in the first place, provided your husband will be present.

[AutumnSunshine]

Originally Posted by Liquesce

It's awesome that you're trying to be sensitive, but it sounds like you might be overthinking this a little bit. There really are scant few Saudi people who are not aware that Americans hold a more relaxed attitude towards gender mixing ... I promise you are not going to put your foot in your mouth no matter how you go about it. Just relax and be yourself ... at the very worst they'll decline and appreciate the gesture. But there really is no great risk of inpropriety in inviting any Muslim man to your home in the first place, provided your husband will be present.

Exactly what I was thinking but couldn't find the words to say.