Would really like to stop flip-flopping

[Astraia]

I don't feel scared or worried. I've worked through the majority of my fears, and the fears I have left are the ones that no one can resolve for me- currently it's, what if my baby is born with an undetected defect that needs immediate medical attention? (I know someone whose daughter was born with her bladder outside of her body, but it wasn't detected by u/s. She was born by repeat c-section, and her mom was told that if it had been a vaginal delivery and not in that hospital with an awesome NICU that the baby would have died).

I know that's silly, because if I wasn't UCing I'd be having a homebirth with a midwife so that fear is... well, stupid. "Bad stuff" would happen either way.

But some days i am 100% committed to UC- excited and planning and dreaming- then other days I'm like, "nah, I'll just go to the hospital." Then a few days later I choke on my morning tea and go, "WTF am I thinking? HOSPITAL?!?!?" I hate and am terrified of hospitals. This is not an option unless it's an emergency situation. NOT. HAPPENING.

Then last week I met with a midwife who is willing to be my phone-call support for the UC, if I need her, and she said that it's possible she could support me, as a midwife, if I deliver somewhere other than my home- hospital in another province, hotel, whatever.

So for a little I was thinking, "hey, we'll just do that."

And then my heart (or gut? Or something?) kicked in and i felt so sad over the loss of my private, at home UC that I've since rejected the idea of having the baby elsewhere.

I think my husband is getting confused. I keep saying, "hey, I'd love to have this for our UC!" and he looks at me sideways and goes, "I thought you said we were having him in the hospital?" Oh right. I said that, didn't I?



Where is this coming from? I thought working through my fears would be the hardest part, but other than totally random unavoidable acts of God I don't really have any. They were worked through ages and ages ago. So how do I make this stop? My husband is confused, and if it keeps up it feels like my head is going to mutiny along with it!

[akind1]

I wish I had a suggestion, but other than, I am right there with you, I can't say I have any. I really would love a UC, it would avoid a lot of the drama I'd have to deal with in the hospital. 2 things decided me - my blood pressure has slowly been creeping up, with 2 readings really in what my midwives (I see a CNM group at the hospital) would call the danger zone - 130/80 and 140/80 - and I normally run 100-120/60-70 - and I really hate to say it, but cost. A UC would be totally cheaper in the long run, but I can't afford to do both a UC and pay the midwives and hospital should I need to transfer, and while I really hope I wouldn't have to, I have to allow for the possibility as part of being a responsible UC'er is knowing when you are not enough. DH is totally on board either way, but I think he is kind of relieved to have the hospital birth, as it's our first baby and he is a worst-case-scenario kind of dude.

In the end, only you can know what is best for you and your baby and I think, once you commit to an option, you will be able to be at peace with it. It is the indecision that is most likely the most distressing factor at the moment.

I hope that helped!

-Katrina -expecting Gabriel - around 11/7/09

[jenners26]

I did this for a few days after we ended up firing my midwife. Could I handle an unassisted birth? Should we just go to the hospital? I was very back and forth. But I remembered how traumatic my hospital birth was, and I knew what I really wanted was a homebirth, and if that meant doing it unassisted than so be it. I did end up hiring a doula, mostly because with 2 small toddlers at home, DH wanted to make sure that there was someone to be with me, and someone to be with the children. I also have a midwife friend who is going to be available via phone in case I need help in the moment.

My advice? Decide. Pick one. Commit to it. I know it sounds a little ridiculous, but as long as your back and forth, you won't be preparing for either one. So if what you want is a homebirth....commit to it. Gather supplies, do the research, prepare yourself mentally, etc. Once you allow yourself to decide and begin to prepare, most of your fears and anxiety will fall away.

Good luck!!

[Astraia]

I really thought I had made up my mind and decided, that's what really gets me. I've done my research (probably more than I needed to!), we've started purchasing and gathering up items we might need, we've found someone to "doula" for us (she's not trained), we have a midwife for phone back up, I don't have any real fears or worries because I've read and prepped and understand the risks and what to do for worst-case scenarios. I've made my hospital-transfer birth plan, I've got cue-cards made up for DH, we've read the books, we have cheat-sheets for emergency or weird situations printed. We're READY.

But still my head keeps wandering to the hospital/midwife assisted even though it doesn't really "feel" like an option.


Part of me thinks it'd just be easier- no worries, no hassle, etc. But I KNOW that's not true. A hospital would make me worry more and with a midwife I'd still have to discuss what I want and don't want. So that doesn't even make any sense.

<sigh> I'm stumped. And annoyed. I'm sure it'll work itself out eventually.

Maybe I should STOP reading stuff.... Maybe I've over-researched. Is that possible/

[Green Orchid]

I could've written your post Astraia! I'm due in 5 weeks and I can't make up my mind...So I'm currently preparing 2 births, a UC and a hospital birth. Twice the work and the worry!

I noticed you are also from Québec. I'm curious as to where you live, maybe we are near each other? PM me if you want to tell me!