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Help me understand why

post #1 of 83
Thread Starter 
a SAHM would be so adament about putting her kids in a daycare when they get to a certain age (between 18 mos and 2 yrs).

I have a SAHM friend who loves her children, I have no doubt, but sends them to full time daycare (an alleged "Montessori" school, but I know the only thing Montessori about it is it's name). My honest thought is, "why have kids if you're going to send them away?" But of course I've spent quite a bit of time mourning all the lost time w/ DD while I was WOHM, so this has a bit to do with it, but still, I don't understand.

It's expensive, the kids come home sick, foul-mouthed (have you ever heard a 2-yo yell the "F" word? ), and I just don't see the benefit in it. Am I missing something, maybe from her standpoint?
post #2 of 83
My oldest goes to Montessori, and I know most schools prefer they start early, like 2 1/2 or three, I can't remember. A lot of Montessori schools don't take kids over a certain age with no Montessori experience. I know you said it's not a "real" Montessori school but maybe she feels like it is and wants her kids to get the full Montessori experience.

Also, while I personally feel like my kids are better served at home at least until 5 or 6, I know I am in the minority among my mom friends and I know some of them feel that my boys (6, 4 1/2 and almost 3) should all be in school of some kind.

So... all of that to say that I think it is pretty common to think that even very young children "need" to be in school at least part time.
post #3 of 83
Quote:
A lot of Montessori schools don't take kids over a certain age with no Montessori experience.
Wow, I didn't know that. My daughter started Montessori when she was 4 y.o.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen View Post
Help me understand why.... a SAHM would be so adamant about putting her kids in a daycare when they get to a certain age (between 18 mos and 2 yrs).

I have a SAHM friend who loves her children, I have no doubt, but sends them to full time daycare (an alleged "Montessori" school, but I know the only thing Montessori about it is it's name). My honest thought is, "why have kids if you're going to send them away?" But of course I've spent quite a bit of time mourning all the lost time w/ DD while I was WOHM, so this has a bit to do with it, but still, I don't understand.

It's expensive, the kids come home sick, foul-mouthed (have you ever heard a 2-yo yell the "F" word? ), and I just don't see the benefit in it. Am I missing something, maybe from her standpoint?
How bizarre about the swear word. But, yes, I've heard 2 y.o. use colorful language. They learn it from their parents.

How many children? How old are they? You don't see the benefit in it, but she does obviously. Yes, you're missing something. It could be that putting her kids in preschool keeps her sane and out of the newspapers. It could be that she believes being a sahm is the right thing to do but is struggling mightily with the reality of it. That's one possible scenario.

Regardless, this is her way of being a sahm.
post #4 of 83
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom View Post
How many children? How old are they? You don't see the benefit in it, but she does obviously. Yes, you're missing something. It could be that putting her kids in preschool keeps her sane and out of the newspapers. It could be that she believes being a sahm is the right thing to do but is struggling mightily with the reality of it. That's one possible scenario.
Her 3 kids are 5, 3, and 10 mos and she wants another. I doubt she could be struggling too hard w/ being a SAHM if she's wanting another already.

I guess it does just boil down to different parenting styles. It just breaks my heart to think about kids that young being separated from their moms for no apparent reason, at least to me.
post #5 of 83
Maybe because she likes the baby stage but can't stand the toddler stage and is going nuts at home with three children. And she wants a break and has the funds to pay for it? And she knows her own, personal, situation and emotional capabilities better than you do? I'm sure she's not doing it to break your heart.
post #6 of 83
Some parents believe that a child needs to be socialized by a certain age. As if socialization cannot occur anywhere but a school or daycare.

To each his/her own I suppose.
post #7 of 83
I have my three (almost four) year old in a Montessori school. I guess I might have been judgmental like you back when I only had one kid, but now that I have three things are different. Some people like being with their little ones 24/7. I don't. Some children would be traumatized being sent off to school full time at three (my first would have been), but my three year old isn't.

Also, in our case, this was a public Montessori school and getting our 3 year old in was the only chance of getting our 6 year out of a very bad school and into a very good one (due to sibling priority).

My three year old actually got upset when she had the flu and had to stay home for a week. She didn't want to miss anything at school.

So I'd say if it doesn't work for your family then don't do it, but don't judge someone else's choice.
post #8 of 83
I went through a period of time as a SAHM with a baby and toddler where we had a nanny.

Yes, a NANNY. For a SAHM.

DH totally supported this, and it really helped us both maintain our sanity.

She worked about 35 hours a week. The hours varied. Sometimes during the day, sometimes in the evening, so DH and I could have a date night. She was naturally an early riser. So she would come over around 7am on some days, and she would take over the baby (who had kept me up all night nursing), and the toddler, and then I took a long morning nap.

To each her own, I say...
post #9 of 83
Shwarma, I'm on board with you. There are a LOT of SAHMs who send their kids to outright day care! One of my exes has to drop his own daughter off at daycare on his way to work because his now-ex-wife couldn't even be bothered with that much. What was the point?
post #10 of 83
I plan on sending my son to Montessori, probably from around 2.5yrs old. I don't feel like Im having kids and then "sending them away". what a ridiculous comment. I want him to have a bright education and take an interest in learning, and make friends and experience new things and new people. I'm still going to stay at home and run the household, and Im still going to parent him. There is a lot more that goes into being a mom than just being with your child 24/7 IMO and just because a mother sends her child to daycare doesn't mean otherwise at all. Daycare doesn't cause foul language, discipline issues cause that. It's all about what is acceptable in your home.
post #11 of 83
First of all, she's not "sending them away" to boot camp, or a crack house

They are going to a setting where they are going to do arts and crafts, make friends, and probably have a good deal of fun. Many folks may not agree with this, but so what? Her kids are not going to be damaged from this, and she's probably a better momma getting a break from 3 kids in her hair all day.

I'm a stay at home mom with a writing habit, and I have help. So for hours a day I "leave" my daughter to play outside in the leaves, feed the dogs, or go on the swing in the back while I sit and hide and work on my creative projects. Is that terrible? No way! I still consider myself a stay at home momma and I'm a FIRM believer in everyone having help - be it a daycare, pre-k, or babysitter.

It's not far that every single mother gets judged. It's just NOT! She's not you, and you are not here...maybe if you walked in her shoes you'd be like SUP MONTESSORI SCHOOL! But maybe not, it doesn't matter - you said she loved her kids, and that's the main thing.
post #12 of 83
I have removed a couple of posts that were either UAVs or were quoting one. Its ok to disagree but lets keep it respectful.
Thanks.
post #13 of 83
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommariffic View Post
They are going to a setting where they are going to do arts and crafts, make friends, and probably have a good deal of fun. Many folks may not agree with this, but so what? Her kids are not going to be damaged from this, and she's probably a better momma getting a break from 3 kids in her hair all day.

I'm a stay at home mom with a writing habit, and I have help. So for hours a day I "leave" my daughter to play outside in the leaves, feed the dogs, or go on the swing in the back while I sit and hide and work on my creative projects. Is that terrible? No way! I still consider myself a stay at home momma and I'm a FIRM believer in everyone having help - be it a daycare, pre-k, or babysitter.

It's not far that every single mother gets judged. It's just NOT! She's not you, and you are not here...maybe if you walked in her shoes you'd be like SUP MONTESSORI SCHOOL! But maybe not, it doesn't matter - you said she loved her kids, and that's the main thing.
Thanks mamma. I think your explanation is how I should see it.I'm mainly just looking at the drawbacks, which isn't entirely fair. I have no doubt that staying home with 3 those ages would be extremely difficult and a break is well-deserved (and needed).

Anyhoo, I think I'm just seeing from "the grass is always greener perspective"...that, and I'm highly emotional right now with having a new baby on the way and remember having to leave DD as an infant (7 months) with a babysitter and having my own issues.

Oh and she's not a single mom.
post #14 of 83
I'm a SAHM with four children, my youngest is 2.5. Right about now (two rough mornings in a row!) sending him to daycare all day while I stay home sounds fabulous. Bonus if it was a Montessori program, double bonus if it were a true Montessori program up to my standards.

Personally, I would find it a bit odd for a SAHM to send her 4 month old to daycare while she stayed home - but then that's just my perspective b/c I LOVED the infant period and don't do so well with toddler+ ages. Other people have a hard time caring for babies, but enjoy the kids much more as they get older.

I'm one who does not think a 2 (or even 3, or even older if you are HS'ing) child needs to be in any type of school. My 4.5 yr old just now started pre-k (part-time) and is loving it. But having been a 0-3 Montessori teacher, I most definitely do see the benefit in starting at 18 months or so as opposed to waiting until 4. That's if you plan to M school for as long as possible. Like others said, too, sometimes it's about getting into the program, and many give priority to those with previous Montessori experience (it's how my DD got into a public Montessori this year).
post #15 of 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen View Post
Oh and she's not a single mom.
What that meant was she is not a single mom. But more like "every single time you come over, its always a mess" So it was how come every single mother does something different....


I had to re read that myself.

FWIW, just like you may choose to homebirth, breastfeed past 6 mos or even into toddler time, co sleep etc, she may choose to put her child in a program for her parenting reasons.
post #16 of 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen View Post
Thanks mamma. I think your explanation is how I should see it.I'm mainly just looking at the drawbacks, which isn't entirely fair. I have no doubt that staying home with 3 those ages would be extremely difficult and a break is well-deserved (and needed).

Anyhoo, I think I'm just seeing from "the grass is always greener perspective"...that, and I'm highly emotional right now with having a new baby on the way and remember having to leave DD as an infant (7 months) with a babysitter and having my own issues.

Oh and she's not a single mom.

Try controlling your "self talk" in terms as if your friend could hear you. You might be better able to check your judgement at the door Everyone has "evil" thoughts like that. Acknowleging them as unfair & conciously letting them go is an act of friendship.

For the most part, every mom does what she feels she's got to do. It's hard enough being a mother, especially a mother of 3, without the judgement of other mothers. Especially a friend.

This thread has made me so sad & emotional. I've been lurking since you posted but havn't been able to stay calm until now.

I hope for your friend's sake you let go of your judgements on her choices. If you can't, you might consider taking a step back from her so you don't end up hurting her feelings.
post #17 of 83
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amys1st View Post
What that meant was she is not a single mom. But more like "every single time you come over, its always a mess" So it was how come every single mother does something different....
Oh yes I see now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Carley View Post
This thread has made me so sad & emotional. I've been lurking since you posted but havn't been able to stay calm until now.
I was definetly NOT trying to hurt any feelings. I honestly debated posting this thread to the Parenting Forum, but knew SAHMs would be more likely to see it from her perspective. It's no different than me trying to understand why a mom who can breastfeed goes straight to formula or a mom spanks her kids. Those would be her choices, yes, but I haven't walked in her shoes, so I didn't really understand her reason for doing it when she didn't have to.
post #18 of 83
You know what, mama? You didn't sound judgmental to me at all. What I read was "I HAD to leave my baby and I hated it. She gets to stay home so why does she send them to daycare?" Just a vent and trying to gain perspective from the other side, not being 'evil".
And FTR I don't personally "get it" either. I have a 1yo, 2yo and 7yo and none of us leave each other ever, it works for us. Different strokes for different folks
I do have to wonder what she does all day with no job and no kids or husband around though, I'd be bored senseless:yawning
post #19 of 83
I have to admit, I've wondered the same thing myself. I sort of have the attitude that people make the best parenting decisions they can with what they have to work with. I just don't understand some of them sometimes. It doesn't mean that I look down on SAHM's who send their kids to daycare at 18 months, it just perplexes me. They may look at me and think I'm doing my kids a disservice by not sending them to daycare where they can socialize.

Whatever, they're happy doing what they're doing, I'm happy doing what I'm doing, it's not a huge deal. It doesn't mean that I necessarily understand though.
post #20 of 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen View Post
Oh yes I see now.



I was definetly NOT trying to hurt any feelings. I honestly debated posting this thread to the Parenting Forum, but knew SAHMs would be more likely to see it from her perspective. It's no different than me trying to understand why a mom who can breastfeed goes straight to formula or a mom spanks her kids. Those would be her choices, yes, but I haven't walked in her shoes, so I didn't really understand her reason for doing it when she didn't have to.
I'm sure this was just an oversight on your part, but PLEASE think twice before you compare using childcare to spanking.
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