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Help me understand why - Page 4

post #61 of 83
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by llp34 View Post
And yes, I get that it really doesn't matter what I think, etc. But it also really doesn't matter what I think about other parenting style choices.......and yet it's okay for me to have an opinion on those too, as well as this, as long as I don't go sharing it with the person in question or treating them harshly over the difference of ideas. Which I wouldn't, and I suspect the OP wouldn't either. But I will think it all I want and not feel a bit guilty about it ! Again, IMO it's nutty to see a 2 yo as needing 40 hrs a week in a daycare center for their own good, just for being two.
Exactly.

After some of the responses (calling me judgemental or worse) I wonder when it became NOT ok to ask or wonder why other people do things.
post #62 of 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by naturalmamaof1 View Post
I'm sorry you have to be away from your children. Looks like your doing it for the right reasons, not so you can have a "break" and get away from these creatures!
But if someone DID do it, just to get break, or if someone DID work, just because they 'wanted' to, and not because they 'needed' to, would that really be so wrong?

Because the way I see it, we just don't get to sit in judgement of who does things for the right reasons and who does things for the wrong reasons. We just can't know anyone's situation. So I think it's far better to see the world as if everyone was making the right decision for them at that time - doing the best they can do at any given time with what they have to work with. This leaves room for change, but doesn't cast judgement on anyone else. Who are we to decide what is right and what is wrong for someone else?
post #63 of 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carley View Post
You said you don't leave your kids, EVER, hence my "misconception."
No, I didn't. I didn't say that at all. Someone else did. And that person does not speak for me. Obviously, my kids are away from me quite a bit since I hold employment and go to school, myself. And I worked full-time when they were young and they went to a home daycare, sometimes even overnight when their dad was deployed.

I also did not say that SAHM's are not judgemental of WOTH moms. Many are. What I said is that questioning is not the same as judging. One is to gain understanding, and the other is to elevate one's own standing.

What I also said is that your comments are just as judgemental as any of the other judgemental comments in this thread. If you're going to be outraged at what you perceive as judgement, then judging in return seems sort of hypocritical.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen
Again, full-time, M-F 8-5pm kinda hours for a 18-24 m.o. is WAY different than 6 or 9 hours a week at 2 1/2 or 3.
Agreed. And as someone who was active-duty military when her kids were little and would have killed to have been able to stay home with them, I don't understand it at all. Of course, neither do I understand the parents who anxiously await the Big Yellow Bus every September and cheer when it arrives. That doesn't mean I look down my nose at them. It just means I can't understand their thought processes.
post #64 of 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamasaurus View Post
I went through a period of time as a SAHM with a baby and toddler where we had a nanny.

Yes, a NANNY. For a SAHM.

DH totally supported this, and it really helped us both maintain our sanity.

She worked about 35 hours a week. The hours varied. Sometimes during the day, sometimes in the evening, so DH and I could have a date night. She was naturally an early riser. So she would come over around 7am on some days, and she would take over the baby (who had kept me up all night nursing), and the toddler, and then I took a long morning nap.

To each her own, I say...
I want your life. Where is the drooling smilie when I need it?

My DD is super social so I will be sending her to preschool and if I could afford daycare and handle the germs that come with it, I would SAHM with a kid in childcare. DD has always loved large groups of kids.

Heck if I could afford a nanny, a maid, and a masseuse I would do that too.

V
post #65 of 83


I'm sure i'll get flamed for this but

I'm sorry but why be a SAHM if your going to hire a Nanny? That makes no sense at all.

I've had a baby and toddler at the same time and also dealing with bad ppd and managed without hiring a nanny.


My 3 yr old is currently in a preschool program through our city, it's only 5days a wk 8:30- 10:45,gives me time to do housework without my toddler around and time to take the dog to the dog park sometimes.
post #66 of 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCaliMommy View Post


I'm sure i'll get flamed for this but

I'm sorry but why be a SAHM if your going to hire a Nanny? That makes no sense at all.

I've had a baby and toddler at the same time and also dealing with bad ppd and managed without hiring a nanny.


My 3 yr old is currently in a preschool program through our city, it's only 5days a wk 8:30- 10:45,gives me time to do housework without my toddler around and time to take the dog to the dog park sometimes.
Maybe if you had had some extra support you wouldn't have had such bad ppd. Maybe for some people they need to do more than just "manage". Why do you need your toddler to be separated from you to do housework and take the dog to the dog park? Other people manage to do both just fine, are you just being lazy and only thinking of your own convenience?

Or maybe is this just something that gives you enough recharge and a nice thing to do for yourself, and you should be able to enjoy it without other people saying "OMG why would anyone do THAT?!?!?!?! I just don't understand it!!!"

I don't understand lots of things. I don't think anyone in this life is ever going to understand everyone and everything. Do you really need to in order to treat people with empathy and compassion? What makes sense for you is not going to make sense for everyone else. I had twins 17 months after I had my daughter. I suffered from severe chronic pain for 2 years after my last birth, as well as depression and (I think anyway) PTSD. I didn't hire a nanny either, but my hubby is a WAHD and a co-parent in every way except for breastfeeding. If he had not been home it would have been abusive and neglectful for me to just muddle through with no help at all so that I could uphold my (original) ideal that SAHM means you're the one who does it all. The universe had a different lesson to teach me (but I am hard-headed, I don't learn compassion generally until I am quite thoroughly put into shoes I thought that I'd be able to avoid).

I'm glad that apparently you managed just fine. That is good. And not every SAHM who hires a nanny is doing so because of mental/physical illness, of course.

But again, I just don't understand why people have a need to make a very small box for "SAHM" and try to reject anyone who doesn't fit inside it. I'm sure there are some people right here who would say to me I'm not a 'real' SAHM because hubby works from home, so obviously I wasn't doing all and being all! Maybe we should create a new category--SAHAM. Stay At Home ALONE Mom. :P Otherwise, who cares who's at home with the mama? Partners, parents, aunties, uncles, neighbors, friends, nannies, ect.--they can all be part of a vibrant and loving household. I can imagine so many ways I could have used a part time nanny while SAHMing, especially since I have more than one kiddo and because I was so sick for so long.
post #67 of 83


Quote:
Originally Posted by Violet2 View Post
Heck if I could afford a nanny, a maid, and a masseuse I would do that too.
post #68 of 83
Ok, there are a lot of posts I haven't read on this, but to get back to the original question:

Maybe there is a medical issue you are unaware of? Maybe she had a bad parenting moment of anxiety and decided to trust her toddler's welfare to someone else? Maybe she realizes that it really DOES take a village and has decided to hire one, since we so often just have to do that in this country these days.

Maybe its a status thing. My mom has been asking me since DS was 6 mo of I want her to help me put him in a mothers day out program, like I was supposedly in as a kid. I realized after a while of talking to her that it was a status thing. I don't like getting wrapped up in such stuff, but for lots of people, its important. My mom, admit it or not, thinks that being home with my child all the time, me working or not, is "beneath" me. I think for some people, obviously, not all, this is the case.

Also, sometimes, complaining about caring for our kids becomes a past time that then becomes a reality. Unfortunately...whatever it is, there is much of your friend's story you obviously don't know. And thats ok.
post #69 of 83
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sharr610 View Post
Maybe its a status thing.
Honestly, I've often wondered this, only because I've noticed comments like "So and so sent their kids to Montessori school..."
post #70 of 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen View Post
Honestly, I've often wondered this, only because I've noticed comments like "So and so sent their kids to Montessori school..."
Even if this is what it is, its her perogative. I come from a pretty status focused world. Its a tough place to live outside of if you are used to it. Its a cultural norm, just like other cultures discipline their kids differently. It is what it is. I lived in Africa for a while and while I don't agree with how they discipline their kids, the kids grow up to be fine, generally speaking, and there are lots of things we don't do here that I see as really beneficial.
post #71 of 83
I honestly have no idea how to understand why someone does something different than you do. These threads usually go no where IMHO and IME since I rallied for this forum years ago and been hanging out here since.

Just like at most universities, there are several colleges within the same school for the vast different interests in education from art to medical school to engineering to history, there are several schools of thought of parenting and what makes a parent good or bad.

I knew and know several great parents IRL who were not very happy people.
For some, its easy to put their children's needs first and be happy, others need to work at it or cannot at all. Sometimes a good person comes along and since you cannot return the children like you can a blouse that dosent fit, you have to make the most of it. A parent who chooses or dosent choose to put their children in an alternative that you would not choose dosent make them a bad parent but maybe a parent who knows themselves and what they are capable of. At least they are being honest. Who knows, maybe its a status thing and if that is what it takes to make you feel better of yourself or whatever, then so be it.

I am tired of the "she feeds her baby formula and does ferber at 4 weeks old" type subjects and "that mama is gone for 40 plus weeks" to entertain.
If you dont want to leave your kids for an extended amount of time, that is your choice. My dd2 (age 3) is away from me 14 hours a week at school. that is 3 half days and then an extended day in the end. Am I a bad parent?

I also know parents who work full time who would give anything to be home at least part time or full time. I also know parents who would go nuts at home and glad they work. I also know a few sahmamas who really should be in the workplace. It would do wonders for her family and herself. So understand even though I am at MDC, I understand not everyone is going to do exactly what I do or even question what I do.
post #72 of 83
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sharr610 View Post
Even if this is what it is, its her perogative. I come from a pretty status focused world. Its a tough place to live outside of if you are used to it. Its a cultural norm, just like other cultures discipline their kids differently. It is what it is.
You're totally right. I'd like to think there's not such a shallow (IMO) reason for doing it, but if it is the reason, then it just is!
post #73 of 83
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amys1st View Post
My dd2 (age 3) is away from me 14 hours a week at school. that is 3 half days and then an extended day in the end. Am I a bad parent?
If you're a bad parent, then I'm a horrible parent! My DD started daycare FT at 2 1/2.

Quote:
I also know parents who work full time who would give anything to be home at least part time or full time.
ME! I would give anything to stay home with my babies/toddlers! That's why it's so hard for me to understand why she does it, because I'm seeing the situation from my perspective.

And I really appreciate getting other perspectives (except for the attacks, "judging", etc. ones).
post #74 of 83
I do not have much time but, orignal poster, I agree with you.... maybe because, like you, I know how it feels to want to be at home and with my kids full time and not be able to do so. I was able to be home with DS1 f/t until he was 15 months and now with DS2 we are stuggling for me to stay at home as long as possible but likely I'll have to put him in daycare at around 18months and I hate the thought of it - no matter how "social" he is. I have to do it for financial reasons.

Anyway, personally, I think get a maid, a cleaning service, get a cook, get you laudry done by someone - whatever you can afford, go ahead ... but don't outsource you babies unnescessarily (and the ages you describe are "babies") (oh and I am not talking baout part-time preschool for a 3 or 4 year old. I am talking about what you are talking about. And people can say whatever they want to me for saying that, I don't care, it's just how I feel. And I have friends who do this and I do not think highly of this decision at all but we're still friends I just keep my mouth shut.

To answer your question, though, where I am, being a SAHM is not about being with your babies. It is a status thing. The goal is to stay at home and have a f/t nanny osend the kids to a very elite/expensive "school".
post #75 of 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCaliMommy View Post


I'm sure i'll get flamed for this but

I'm sorry but why be a SAHM if your going to hire a Nanny? That makes no sense at all.

I've had a baby and toddler at the same time and also dealing with bad ppd and managed without hiring a nanny.


My 3 yr old is currently in a preschool program through our city, it's only 5days a wk 8:30- 10:45,gives me time to do housework without my toddler around and time to take the dog to the dog park sometimes.
Everyone is different. I want the flexibility of sahming with the time to be with DD but I would also really love more down time and the ability to catch my breath. Doesn't mean I don't want to sahm.

Also DD is really hard to keep busy all by myself. Having some help is great. I employed mother's helpers all summer long, 4 afternoons a week. It was heavenly.

V
post #76 of 83
Quote:
I'm sorry but why be a SAHM if your going to hire a Nanny? That makes no sense at all.
My next-door neighbor did. She had twin one-year-olds and a three-year-old. The nanny just came in the mornings. It gave her a chance to have a shower unmolested, to do a bit of housework and so on, but mostly she and the nanny were right there in the thick of childcare together. Nanny pushed the single stroller, Mum pushed the double stroller. Nanny fed one twin, Mum consoled the other. Nanny played with the three-year-old, Mum changed a twin's nappy.

She was an amazing mother, WAY more devoted and one-on-one-y with her kids than I am. And after the nanny left she parented solo until her husband got back at 6 or 7 (he was an anaesthetist), and she was always SO glad to see him! If he worked late her mother or sister would often come over to help get the kids into bed.

It worked for them. She certainly didn't have an easy ride because of it - whenever I went over I was amazed by her patience! - but it helped her get through the day. I wish we could all have as much support, but even though we can't I don't resent her because she was able to. Good for her, I say! (I also say, I shoulda married an anaesthetist.)

I do agree that full-time daycare while SAHing at such a young age seems odd. I wouldn't do that myself. But hey, maybe her kids love it.
post #77 of 83
It seems weird to me, too. But I also had to work for years while I desperately wanted to SAH but couldn't financially do it. However, I have had daydreams of sending my high needs LO to a daycare a few hours a week to get something done. I'll never do it, but if her kids are high needs, or she's totally burnt out, then I can understand.
post #78 of 83
everyone's different. I have 3 kids, one who would have been very happy at home until age 5-6, one who rejoiced in a few hours a week away from me with his peers at 2 1/2, and one who was clamoring to go to preschool before she was 2. I'm a SAHM. I spend lots and lots of quality time with my kids, and they spend lots and lots of quality time outside the home with other kids and adult supervisors who are not family. I think it's really important to wonder about people's motivations, as it can be a learning experience for us, but judging others is super dangerous, because we never really know the whole story.
post #79 of 83
I didn't read all the threads, but I can give you a "why" example:
My friend is a SAHM, has 3 kids, the younger two in 3/4-time care, the older in school.
She gets everything done she needs to do during the day (laundry, shopping, maintaining a house that contains a family of 5), and devotes her entire evening and long weekends to family. She has a very bad back and also takes the daytime to do yoga to maintain her health.

She is a wonderful mother. i imagine if she didn't rely on care, she would be pretty tapped out and possibly make her back condition worse. That would not be good for anyone.

FWIW, if you didn't know her situation, you might think she is just dropping off her kids and going to yoga and off to shop. I think that is why we should not be so quick to judge.
post #80 of 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by naturalmamaof1 View Post
I'm sorry you have to be away from your children. Looks like your doing it for the right reasons, not so you can have a "break" and get away from these creatures!
I WOH, 2 days a week. My children are not "these creatures" but, yeah, I enjoy a break. It happens, conveniently, that my break consists of practicing dentistry, something I trained years and years to do and something I enjoy greatly. I have struggled every single one of my seven years as a parent with enjoying being a WOHM (even part time) vs becoming a FT SAHM. A factor in my mental struggle is comments like the above. Don't judge a mama until you've spent a sleepless night with her kids! (seemed more appropo than a mile in her shoes)
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