Sixteen year old son wants to legally change his name to Emma

[cbmom]

I can't believe that it has been about three years since I last posted here. Back then I was concerned because my 13 year old son had asked me about getting a perm and I had at the same time found some hair accessories in his room. I had concerns then that he might be crossdressing or transgendered even though he didn't come across that way.

But I allowed him to explore more his interest in hair which seemed to open the path for other more "feminine" things. It's hard to pinpoint any one thing, but looking back there have been a lot of progressive shifts and gradually it has become more and more evident that he is at the least confused over his gender.

I tried to take him for some counselling but that went very badly. My husband also tried to take custody of my children claiming that I was a bad influence on them because of this which ultimately led my son to retreat back into a shell.

He does not openly cross dress very much, but he wears both guys and girls clothing from time to time. He is partial to kilts because he claims he can "get away" with that without being judged.

But today he approached me and said that he wants to change his name to a girls name. That's it! He doesn't want to go to school and dress as a girl or anything like that, but he has decided that he wants to graduate with a girls name. I haven't been able to get much more out of him than that for now. Of course, it's emotionally challenging for both of us and I am not sure if I should press on this or not.

So, legally I guess this is down to me. He has told me what he wants to do, but I am hesitant of course in wanting to be sure that is the right thing to do and that he is sure about this too. Also, I don't know if his father has to give permission or not.

Any advice, any thoughts at all are welcome. I feel alone in this.

Thanks!

[MamaChicken]

I wish I had some advice. For what it is worth, my brother is struggling with his orientation (not the same thing, I know) and counseling has not been well recieved by him, either.

Keep gently reaching out and hopefully he will continue to reach back.

[Bokonon]

I don't have any experience with this kind of thing, but maybe you could ask him to live as "Emma" 24/7 for a year so that he could show you he was serious and then you'd consider it? He just might change his mind, or be so convinced it was the right thing to do that you'd have your answer.

(((hugs))) That has to be a very tough situation without any support. I applaud you for being so open-minded and letting your son be who he is. Just the fact that he's open with you about this speaks volumes about the mutual trust and respect you share.

[meemee]

i am trying to figure out what you are concerned about.

that he might have to deal with a lot of teasing?

or that he is in the process of transgendering?

which one for you is hard to take or is it both?

from what you write he seems to be adamant and sure of himself. is he a mature child? way beyond 16 years?

if you got the look - the 'i am absolutely sure' look then i would totally support him. yes it would be hard mainly coz of what your ex might say, but the point is your son. you will be his ally.

honestly i dont find anything wrong with his request. to me he sounds sure he knows what he is getting into. asking to change to a girls name at 16 is no easy feat.

i personally would give him permission and then figure out what legalities you guys need to go thru.

or if you find ex needs to sign which you know he is not going to, you might have to talk to ur ds and tell him he might have to wait a couple of years still.

good luck mama as you figure out how to support your son.

[justicedante]

I am not in your shoes, so I can only speak to this based on how I think I would feel and react, so here it goes. First of all, big hugs to you, you sound very upset and confused by all of this.
I don't really have any advice for you. All I want to do is share some thoughts. I saw a documentary in 2000 (at an International Film Festival for Children) called 'The Day I Decided to be Nina'. It was amazing. It was about a boy (11 years old), who always felt female, and finally decided to try to live as a girl. The part of the film that touched me the most was how his (I am going to refer to him as 'him' just to avoid having to type him/her) mother supported and loved him unconditionally. She was there for her child, even though she worried about him. I think that's the single most important thing that you can do for your son. Be there for him. If he is transgendered, then his feelings are real and he needs the safety and security of his family while he goes through this. If he is experimenting with gender, then again, he needs the freedom to do so, in order to figure out who he is. If you don't love and support him, he will find that love and support somewhere else, and perhaps close off a side of himself from you. He is still 100% legitimate as a human being, 100% worthy of respect and love, 100% authentic in his feelings and choices, and deserves to be treated as such. So, that's my

I hope you have (or can find) the strength and compassion to help your son find happiness, regardless of his struggle right now.

[Oubliette8]

Hi,
I'm also transgendered and have being dealing with it since I was very young. I am biologically female though, so I imagine it has been somewhat easier on me than for your son, although there is still a lot of discrimination. I think its wonderful that you are trying to do the right thing and allowing him to explore who he is. My own parents tried to force me to dress and act feminine and it only caused a lot of tension and fighting. I still don't feel like they fully understand.

I do have a few concerns about your son. I know when I was 16, I wanted things that I do not want now. At the time I thought I wanted gender reassignment surgery for instance. As I've grown older, I've realized that its a really big decision, and I'm probably not going to do it. I would say that my attitude in regards to my gender has changed quite a bit since I was 16. I think allowing him to legally change his name is a really big step- although it is, of course, reversible if he would so choose in the future. He may not want that in a few years time.

Also, you say you tried counseling and it didn't work. What happened? What went wrong? There are counselors who work with transgendered youth. There are also counselors who seek to impose the "proper" gender role on such children. I can see how the later might not have worked out so well. But there are counselors who can sit down with your son and explore this with him and to guide him through the process if he so chooses. Even if the counselor was perfect, sometimes the personalities just dont match well- would he be willing to try with a different person? Maybe allow him to be part of the process in finding a new one so he feels comfortable with who he sees? (I always hated the counselors my parents picked out on their own) Don't frame it as a punishment or as there being something "wrong" with him- being transgendered is hard, kids tease, society doesn't understand, people try to make you conform to a gender that feels wrong, and it can be very confusing to understand exactly who you are through all of it. I would frame it as someone he can talk to to help him deal with working through this and dealing with how others react. You can find lists of therapists who work with transgender youth on the internet. If there is a gay community near you, or a PFLAG, or a college campus with a gender studies department or a gay student group, they can also point you towards local resources. Some larger cities even have transgender support groups, if there is a large city near-ish to you, you might see if they do, and the organizers may be able to recommend local resources.

If it were my son, I would probably find him some supportive counseling with a therapist experienced in helping transgendered youth. They'll know how to help him deal with his peers, and also how to help him think through big decisions like this. Generally, treatment standards call for a period of time living with the decision before making it permanent- in this case, he would be called Emma for a period of time before legally changing his name to be sure he fully experienced and understood the consequences of the decision. I would suggest you call him Emma for a time first. You have a few years before you have to worry about graduation. Getting the school to agree to it may be tricky though, which is why having a good therapist is important- they can be a professional advocate for your son in that area.

[Theoretica]

From a legal perspective, your ex would have to consent to your son changing his name. I'd encourage him to seek another counselor that is skilled in transgender teens, maybe even find a support group for him, and keep reminding him that when he's 18 he can do as he pleases with his name and you'll support him.

Good luck!

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

back to your regularly scheduled program!

[lorijds]

My daughter has a boy in her class (she's in ninth grade) who sometimes dresses as a boy and is called by his given, legal name. Sometimes he's dressed as a girl and goes by a specific girl's name on those days. No one even thinks twice about it anymore, not the teachers or the kids.

I can't say this would be your son's experience, but I just want you to know that boys in similar situations as your son's can have positive junior high and high school experiences.

I think you can validate his desire to change his name without actually changing it. It's a big step. I like the compromise that he just go by that name for a while, and see how that works out for him. I'd point out that thousands of people do not go by their given, legal name; they go by nicknames that may or may not have anything to do with their legal name. Sometimes these are names that describe their looks, actions, or personality.

He needs to get in touch with a nearby PFLAG chapter, and so do you. They can give advice on counselors, how to deal with the schools, and they can provide mentors to your son, so that he doesn't feel so alone and doesn't have to reinvent the wheel on his journey here.

Good luck.

[_betsy_]

I think it becomes easier for him to change his name, legally, to anything he wants once he turns 18, because then he wouldn't need his parents' permission.

What if you called him whatever he wants at home? What if he picked a gender neutral name that starts with the same letter as his current name? That might make it more easier for others to accept.

My gut impression is that he'll have a much easier go of things in life if you accept him as he is, tell him you love him and are proud of him no matter what his decision on this matter, and that you support him no matter what. Being open to the ides is likely to keep him coming to you with other ideas and questions, and you can help him as best you can. I think getting in touch with a teen peer group through PFLAG or whatever local group you might have is a great idea.

[laohaire]

I would be inclined to let him use the name he wishes but wait 2 more years to have it legally changed. I would think the school can also use his name even without it being legally changed. I can tell you that the name on my high school diploma was not my legal name at the time (though I did change it later). It's true, though, that I matriculated into the school with the non-legal name, and that name was always on the paperwork, on my assignments, etc. Nobody asked to see my birth certificate or anything to validate the name. But, I understand it might be harder to change records at a school he already goes to without a legal name change - and it might especially raise some eyebrows because of the nature of the name change (my name change was not gender-related). It's certainly worth a shot, though.

I agree with PP's that a counselor who specializes in transgender would be really important. Given the social difficulties of what he's going through, you can be assured it's not something he's doing just for fun. I wish you both well.

[nextcommercial]

I don't know. That's so much harder than dealing with cross dressing. I mean it's his NAME! The name you chose. You probably put a lot of thought into that name. I'd actually be a little hurt.

I'm crushed that the name I chose for my daughter is the LAST name she says she'd ever pick for herself. LOL.. I spent months looking in baby name books!

Honestly... (just for me) I'd make my child wait two more years and if he still wanted that, I'd agree to help in any way I can. He could USE the name if he wants, but I'd say we;d make it legal in two years if he still felt comfortable with that name.

Sheesh.. why can't he just want a tattoo or a nipple ring or something???

[ediesmom]

beautiful that you are supporting your child.....

i think that if the name your child has doesn't suit anymore, then it would be honoring him/her to use the name of choice.

i agree with the pflag suggestion.....good luck to all of you. hope your exh can let go of his expectations of his 'son'.

[~Leonor~]

I would tell him he could change his name when he's 18...without your consent. At that age likes change often, who knows, in 2 years he might like a different name better.

[bronxmom]

I think it's pretty important to let him change his name. He can always change it again later but RIGHT NOW the thing he needs most in the world is a concrete expression of your support for his choices and exploration. Everything people say about choices changing, etc is true and in other cases I might ask my kid to delay a decision like that. But this involves an acceptance on your part of his shifting identity and I think he needs that.

[Ruthla]

Honestly, I think that, if he wants to change his name, he should live as a girl/woman for a while first. IMO, s/he's going about this backwards- spend a year living as a girl/woman and THEN, if it feels right, move to get the name legally changed. If he's planning to go to college, he'll have the opportunity to graduate from college with a woman's name (and nobody will care what his high school diploma says once he's finished college anyway.) Or should I be using female pronouns here? I'm trying to simplify my language, not be disrespectful to your child!

Also, I personally wouldn't be comfortable changing any of my kids' names legally. I've been calling DD1 by her middle name since she was a toddler, but I'm still not about to get it legally changed (if I did, I would reverse the two names.) Whether Amanda wanted to change her name to Amy or Jonathan wanted to be Jennifer, I wouldn't allow the legal name change until the child turned 18 and could do so independently. This isn't about "not supporting the child in gender queries" but rather "not wanting to go through the legal hassle and expense of a name change."

If this were my child, I would call him/her by the name s/he chose and support him/her in any way I could- emotionally, supporting any clothing choices, etc. I'd definitely see if there are any support groups in your area for GLBT teens- that will do him(her?) a world more good than a therapist who's not sensitive to these issues. Such groups usually have parent groups as well- which it sounds like you'd benefit from.

[onelilguysmommy]

I'd tell your child to live as another name for a lomg time. Just tell anyone new that is met that "My name is..." and there you go. Anyone who has been in your lives until now, just repeat "My name is..." until they get it. I "changed" my name in school and unless you're my family or knew me before, or my family's friends rather than mine then you know me as the name that I chose. It wasn't my legal first name on school junk either.
That part isn't hard. the hard part. It's the it being an opposite gender of what I ASSume your child appears to be and being sixteen that would make it hard.

[harrietsmama]

Originally Posted by Theoretica

From a legal perspective, your ex would have to consent to your son changing his name. I'd encourage him to seek another counselor that is skilled in transgender teens, maybe even find a support group for him, and keep reminding him that when he's 18 he can do as he pleases with his name and you'll support him.

Good luck!

Depends on the state, my cousin and his ex went through 2 rounds of changing their son's name before she gave up and let him keep his original name.

Why not change it? It can be changed back if he changes his mind. If people can name their kids luluinatutuinhawaii then Emma is so not a big deal.

[alllyssa]

No freaking way. When he's an independent adult he can do whatever he wants, but I would never consent to my son changing his name to Emma.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by alllyssa

No freaking way. When he's an independent adult he can do whatever he wants, but I would never consent to my son changing his name to Emma.

Why not?