Sixteen year old son wants to legally change his name to Emma - Page 2

[ArielMomma]

Better Now than Later

If he is sure, then I'd say better now than later. When my son was sixteen he wanted to change his name from David to Alexia. I didn't let him. He's now 19 and hates me... Well, not hates me, but he is bitter about it and throws the fact I didn't let him change his name back in my face.

I told him why don't he just change it now? His reason is, "I've got a job now, I go to college now and all my friends call me David. It would be a big deal to change no matter how much I hate it."

He says, "David," has never felt like 'him,' and he cringes every time he hears someone say his name.

I didn't realize how much it meant to him and he is right. He is the one who has to hear his name called day in and day out. He hates his name and I should have taken him more serious at sixteen. I honestly thought it was a phase.

[Gentle~Mommy :)]

I would probably tell my son, if I was in your situation, that he has to hire a lawyer and get the papers in order and sign and file and pay etc... and that it's probably something he should do himself when he is a legal adult.

but if he wanted to be 'emma' in the meanwhile unofficially I would call him that, or try calling him that.

I'm sorry you are going through all this.

[lorijds]

Am, it would have been a big deal for your son to change it then, too. Did he have a job then? Friends? Did he go to school? Did everyone call him David? He just doesn't recognize that.

Do you know the band the Old 97's? They have this song titled "19 is not the age of reason." 19 year olds are legally adults, but mentally are often still on the cusp, with some not quite having made that emotional leap.

He sounds like he's angry in general and you are a safe target. Maybe he is too scared to change it, and he's taking it out on you.

He needs to take responsibility for the fact that he NOW has the power to change his name, but is unwilling to deal with the consequences. Do not feel guilty for not allowing him to change his name. You did what you thought was right, and judging by his response, he was not mature enough to handle the consequences then, much less now.

I hope he someday is able to live under the name he feels best for him, and that he is happy with himself and his life.

[ArielMomma]

Originally Posted by lorijds

Am, it would have been a big deal for your son to change it then, too. Did he have a job then? Friends? Did he go to school? Did everyone call him David? He just doesn't recognize that.

At sixteen, he didn't have a job or any friends. He did go to high school though. My son is very socially awkward.

[lorijds]

It doesn't change the fact that he can still change his name if he wishes, but chooses not to. Instead he blames you, when in reality, changing his name at 16 would not have been some magical balm that would have made his current life all better. It would have been difficult at 16, too, but he chooses not to recognize that. If he had no friends, he had no peer support system and no doubt would have had an extremely difficult time with a name change, especially to a female name. Now he has friends, implying he would not only have family support but peer support. So what he has a job, he had a job before and it was called school; he was there every day all day, with students and teachers who had known him for years. It would not have been any easier.

He needs to take responsibility for himself, not shove all the blame off on you. No doubt as parents we can all look back with the benefit of hindsight and recognize many times when we ultimately did not make the best parenting decisions. That's the lot of being parents. Children have to deal with the up-bringing they had, but they also have to accept that they ultimately are responsible for themselves. Playing the blame game only goes so far; he can either accept that his name is David and learn to be happy with that, or he can change his name to Alexis, and learn to be happy with that. No one is forcing him to keep his name. Just himself.

[Oubliette8]

Originally Posted by lorijds

Do you know the band the Old 97's? They have this song titled "19 is not the age of reason." 19 year olds are legally adults, but mentally are often still on the cusp, with some not quite having made that emotional leap.

Off topic, but I LOVE the Old 97s!