Stop me! I'm about to bribe!!

[hipumpkins]

My 4 year old son was taking a music class which he really loved. No problems going no problems going in nothing. He happily went. This term the class I signed him up for didn't have any other children in it so I switched him to the other school. It's the same school but different building.
I asked him 1st if he'd rather be in a class with more kids and he said yes. When i signed him up I told him he'd be going to the school where we go with his sister so he knew it all in advance.
Last night my DH brought him and he refused to go in telling my Dh that it was the wrong place.
DH explained it to him again but he would not even go into the building.
So when he came home I asked him if it was more important to him to be in class with other kids or the the same building b/c I could switch him back to the other building but there wouldn't be any kids in that class.
He said, "I'm not taking music anymore"
YIKES!
'If he hated music I would suck it up and just stop going but he didn't dislike it...he LOVED it.
I want to just get him over this hump of not going in the building and just try the class and see that is the same fun class.
I just want to say..just try and I we will go for ice cream or something afterwards but just try.
Is that so terrible?

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by hipumpkins

I just want to say..just try and I we will go for ice cream or something afterwards but just try.
Is that so terrible?

Of course not. It is totally fine, imo.

I am familiar with the theories and research regarding bribes, but you are talking about an isolated event, in order to help your ds get to a place where he can enjoy something he loves. Now, whether it works or not is another issue, lol, but I don't see any harm in offering a special treat for being brave and trying the new room. (ftr, I'd go for the ice cream whether he succeeded in staying or not--as long as he walked into the room).

[LynnS6]

As a one off to get him to try something, I think bribery is perfectly acceptable! That's how I got ds potty trained, and that's how I taught him to wipe himself after a bowel movement. Your scenario is considerably lower stakes than that.

I would say "I'd like you to try the music class in the new building one time. If you try it for the whole class, we'll go out for ice cream ONCE." (Make sure you stress that ice cream isn't going to happen EVERY time.) If he tries it and hates it, go out for ice cream and quit the class. If not, you've overcome that hurdle.

[denimtiger]

Bribery is the illegal practice of offering a reward to someone in exchange for that person performing an action that is against the law.

Offering a child a positive incentive to help him acheive a worthwhile goal is not the same as bribery.

I know there are a lot of people who are against using rewards in any form, but I am not one of them. I think that used with discretion, and with an ultimate goal being to help a child develop intrinsic motivation towards something, they can be a good thing. I think this is certainly one of those times.

It may or may not work, but I, too, would offer the ice cream as an incentive for simply making the attempt to go with you to his music class. It's hard to try new things or go places that make us feel uncomfortable, and it's okay to have a special treat when we succeed at making that effort.

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

When my Dh was little, his mother tried very hard to NEVER bribe him. However, she did twice. (the first time is funny but not relevant)

Anyway, second time: he was five, taking swimming lessons, and to "graduate," they had to jump off the side of the pool to the instructor. Dh would not do it. He just didn't want to. So MIL, after watching him just sit on the side for an entire lesson, told him, "Next time, if you jump in, I'll take you out for ice cream."

They walked into the pool area, he ran over the diving board, jumped off, and swam to the side.

He just needed an extra motivation, and it worked very well for her! I think sometimes situations like this become power struggles (that may not be the right word) and shifting the focus (ice cream!!) can be helpful.

I like the idea of phrasing is as less of an incentive and more as a celebration of his bravery, or something like that.

[hipumpkins]

I have a stick to your guns kid. The ice cream did not work. I offered it and he said, "no he was not going to that school.
So I called the school and put him back in the other school and he went tonight to make up for last night's miss...and guess what! There were 5 other kids in the class!!
so alls well that ends well. He will stay in this class. and he is very happy!

[ChetMC]

One of the Reasons

One of the reasons we don't generally bribe is so that in unusual one-off situations, and desperate moments, bribes still work sometimes. Our kids haven't developed bribe immunity, the ability to negotiate larger bribes, etc. I think that the odd, minor bribe is fine.

Glad to hear that things sorted themselves out though, and that everybody is happy.

[Marsupialmom]

I think he is having a hard time adjusting. Even though you told him he is 4 he did not what all it meant.

I would bribe (reward) him in this situation. The odd bribe here and their is effective. We bribed our dd to be still through medical procedures. We let her know it was ok to cry, be scared, et. but she had to be still. It gave her the extra motivation to be still. We explain to her why being still was important but the cookie, candy, sticker, et worked. We did not do it often and she didn't get them every time she went into the doctor's office. She didn't get them if we offered the bribe and didn't do it. She got the message after the second time (other situations)