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*~*'~* October Dating Thread *~*'~* What are we looking for? *~*'~*

post #1 of 295
Thread Starter 
I want to kick off this month's discussion with a fundamental question: What are you looking for?

As a mother, as a woman, as a person, what are you looking to discover in your dating adventures? What kind of a friend, what kind of a partner, what sort of affection, and what kind of potential step-parent/blended family scenario would you be open to considering if someone great came along and could offer it?

:

As a mother I need a man I admire and respect and whom I could imagine being a role model for my sons. As a friend he needs to help me relieve the stress of life/family life through laughter, discussion, empathy, compassion. As a person I'm thoughtful and generous and love romance. I love doing little things for others. Or big things. If I ever did have a guy in my life plan something special for me and surprise me with something that really showed he was paying attention to all the little things that makes him the person who really *knows* me and all the meaningless trivia that makes me unique..... I think I'd weep hysterically. And marry him.

Cad seems to want to do anything in his power to make me happy. Sensitive Engineer seems to want to party in Israel for two weeks and forget that I exist and not even send me an SMS in a weeks' time (unless I send one first).

Cad is on his way over right now. I'd better shower and get ready for dinner & a movie.
post #2 of 295
I haven't been dating much lately and honestly that has been good for me right now. The last few men I have dated have been very far from what I am looking for. Lots of alcohol problems, and lies. I am waiting for a new crop of men. I know it is only a matter of time. I did meet one prospect while waiting for the bus on Monday. He got my number so we'll see if he calls.

On to what I want....
At this point I want someone to have fun with, laugh and basically someone I click with. Someone who doesn't like to get wasted would be cool too. I don't mind a drink, but being able to be mature about it is important.

Yes, also someone who can be a good role model for ds is important. I definitely am not looking for a daddy but I want a man who likes ds and is good to him.

Ah, and someone who exercises. I can't stand a lazy guy.
post #3 of 295
I want what I think everyone ultimately wants. A partner. Someone who shares my values and my outlook on life and my dreams, and who will treat me like I am of equal importance to him.

ETA: I just realized I said nothing explicitly about my children, and the others have. For the record, that goes with the partner/shared outlook thing. Any husband of mine will be an equal parent to my children, just as he will be to any of our own we might have. So that's actually a big hurdle for any guy to get across!

Mamas...I am falling for my Texas Gentleman. Hard. We are both being very careful about making no promises so early on--it has been barely two weeks. But at the same time, we are talking about the future together. I have never met anyone who is this much like me. I know he's not going anywhere, and neither am I...

But I'm not going to commit to him this soon.
post #4 of 295
BTW...Have fun Butterflymom!!!!
post #5 of 295
just subbing to live and learn through you guys.

i thought i found what i wanted but he hurt me. i still can easily put into words of what i want and it all matches him and i hate him for it. the very things i wanted and got and now shattered.
post #6 of 295
Hi everyone! I am dipping my toes in, may I join you?

I have been a member of MDC for a few years. My STBX knows my regular user name and I didn't feel comfortable posting knowing that he would be able to read it at any time. So, I have created this one so that I may post more freely in the Single parenting forum and this particular thread.

Sagesgirl--did I miss a name change? Is your Texas Gentleman the same as the young one you've been talking with (I forgot his nickname--obviously, I can't check)? From what I remember, you have two prospects...still the same?

As for me, What am I looking for? Someone sincere, funny, smart, and honest. Someone who is willing to communicate and handles his anger with maturity.

I am just sorta ready to date, not fully. I have been noticing some men looking. Still scares me, though. I did call up an old boyfriend (haven't seen him in about 10 years) and we seem to somewhat connect. He is a very kind and gentle person. I don't want a serious relationship with him, but companionship might be a possibility. It might be a gentle way to break back into dating...
post #7 of 295
Like everyone else I want someone that can be there to support me, shares my outlook on life, is good to my kids, takes the time to spend with me and show he cares. I'd be willing to accept just about any step parent/blended family situation. I don't care if he has kids already or not as long as he can be good to mine and I wouldn't mind having more kids so I'm open to that. What really matters most is if they are there to be supportive and pay attention to me and good to my kids.

I gave my update already in private land but I have to say at the beginning of the separation I had a good idea of what I wanted, basically a checklist for them to get through before I would even consider it. I lucked up and Brady waltzed in unexpectedly blazing through the list and oh so interested. After three really good months and talk that made me think he might really want something here its over. Unfortunately he made me feel like no one else has and although Country Cutie is sweet, cute, and a definite southern gentleman he seems to be more of a distraction from Brady than making me feel like Brady did.
post #8 of 295
I would love to find some one who thinks I am just too awesome for words. I've been through a lot of abuse, so I really hope to find a person who finds me amazing and isn't afraid to tell me, dote on me, etc. I am a very motivated and creative person, so a good partner for me would help me grow in these areas, and hopefully be the same way himself.
Some one who is very kind, and wililng to take risk, with good moral character, honesty and open minded.

Amazingly gorgeous and filthy rich wouldn't be bad either!
post #9 of 295
Ah...what do I want?

A GROWNUP! But seriously, someone who really is grown up - responsible - financially, emotionally, physically (takes sort of reasonable care of his home & his body), and in terms of relationships.

I'd also like someone who is intelligent and thoughtful. I want someone I can have an conversation with, and someone who is curious.

I think my biggest learning has been to look at actions, not lip service

So, onward & upward!

ETA: Looking like an excellent stepfather prospect (kind, fair, on board about the family unit including the kids) is the sine qua non for anything serious. Someone who wanted to have kids (or more kids) would be icing on the cake.
post #10 of 295
Quote:
Originally Posted by ForViolet View Post
Sagesgirl--did I miss a name change? Is your Texas Gentleman the same as the young one you've been talking with (I forgot his nickname--obviously, I can't check)? From what I remember, you have two prospects...still the same?
Yes ma'am, it is a simple name change. Texas Gentleman would be the one not currently in Iraq!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ForViolet View Post
I am just sorta ready to date, not fully. I have been noticing some men looking. Still scares me, though. I did call up an old boyfriend (haven't seen him in about 10 years) and we seem to somewhat connect. He is a very kind and gentle person. I don't want a serious relationship with him, but companionship might be a possibility. It might be a gentle way to break back into dating...
Well, nothing wrong with easing back into it! No law says every relationship has to lead somewhere!

Quote:
Originally Posted by brittneyscott View Post
I gave my update already in private land but I have to say at the beginning of the separation I had a good idea of what I wanted, basically a checklist for them to get through before I would even consider it. I lucked up and Brady waltzed in unexpectedly blazing through the list and oh so interested. After three really good months and talk that made me think he might really want something here its over. Unfortunately he made me feel like no one else has and although Country Cutie is sweet, cute, and a definite southern gentleman he seems to be more of a distraction from Brady than making me feel like Brady did.
Well, take it easy. Try not to look too far ahead. Maybe he is a distraction. Maybe he will help you not worry too much about Brady...or maybe he'll slide on into your heart when you're not expecting it. Stranger things have happened.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosehip View Post
A GROWNUP! But seriously, someone who really is grown up - responsible - financially, emotionally, physically (takes sort of reasonable care of his home & his body), and in terms of relationships.
Oh, I know what you mean by that! It shouldn't be too much to ask, should it?

Also, I forgot to mention what I adore the most about TG: honesty. I knew before he expressed the slightest romantic interest in me that he was a scrupulously honest individual. He has zero game, y'all. He just doesn't see the point in playing. I've never met anyone else who values truth on the same level I do. It's amazing.
post #11 of 295
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sagesgirl View Post
I want what I think everyone ultimately wants. A partner. Someone who shares my values and my outlook on life and my dreams, and who will treat me like I am of equal importance to him.
:
I'm not dating right now, and am not particularly open to it as I am having some really serious health issues going on and pretty much want everyone I know to bug off and leave me alone. But if I were looking, Sabra put it more perfectly than I could.
Soooo did I miss something about WD Sabra? Seems like he's on the back burner?
post #12 of 295
Quote:
Originally Posted by wytchywoman View Post
Soooo did I miss something about WD Sabra? Seems like he's on the back burner?
He is. He's a fine man...but TG just knocked me down. I do not know what it is about him. We have a simply amazing amount of stuff in common, and like I said he is 100% forthright, with zero game. And...well...paying attention to me counts for a lot, too. I know WD is deployed and I don't question how busy he is, but a two-sentence-long e-mail once a week or so simply isn't enough to hold my primary interest. Especially since I know he *could* give me more. He, plainly, isn't that into me. Which is fine, really. I think I knew from the get-go that there wasn't long-term potential, and at the time I wanted nothing more.
post #13 of 295
What dating adventures? My life is so crazy right now. Right now, just a plain, simple date would be nice to have.

Only problem is that I am way too shy and have no time at all. When my ex has the kids I catch up on my cleaning and shopping. And try to cook meals in advance.
post #14 of 295
Great question!! Pretty much word for word what Butterflymom wrote..

maturity, empathy, compassion, communication, energy, responsibility, creativity, open heartedness, honesty, joy, thinking outside the box, independence, shared values, shared spiritual beliefs..someone that people meet and just say, "what a great person". someone that believes in me and thinks *I* am a great person. someone that can handle the challenges of parenthood, step parenting, partnership, me.. and of course a deeply shared physical connection.

speaking of which...anyone believe in telepathy here? i swear that every time i finish speaking with Chicago man on the phone it's like 5 mins later he's here in the room with me in a very powerful physical way. hard to explain.

he is talking about coming out here "this winter" (whatever that means; i think he's waiting for me to respond and set a date). i'm freaking out. i should be really excited and saying "great!", BUT..mamas..I am SO insecure about myself physically these days. motherhood was not kind to me, and the stress of my marriage and divorce was just downright cruel. some things i can work on, some things are just the way they're gonna be. i cannot imagine ever getting naked in front of anyone, never mind having sex! i know that if someone loves me they won't care, but *I* care...I want to feel confident, attractive, sexy...it is SO different thinking about dating at this age, and after having children. anyone else relate? i think also it would be different with a man who has had kids because maybe they've seen a woman go through these changes, but not this man.
post #15 of 295
Quote:
Originally Posted by muse View Post

speaking of which...anyone believe in telepathy here? i swear that every time i finish speaking with Chicago man on the phone it's like 5 mins later he's here in the room with me in a very powerful physical way. hard to explain.

That sounds amazing.

..I want to feel confident, attractive, sexy...it is SO different thinking about dating at this age, and after having children. anyone else relate? i think also it would be different with a man who has had kids because maybe they've seen a woman go through these changes, but not this man.
I can SO relate! I am working on feeling sexy and confident for myself. You know, it is starting to work...I catch myself in the mirror and think, "beautiful" sometimes! I have been working on loving my body for a while. I have changed since pregnancy. I am not worried about being over weight, it is just that my body is different. I used to be pretty fit, now I am softer...but am starting to love and accept that....getting there. I really do believe it is attitude! There are a lot of women I know that have different types of bodies and they just exude beauty and sexiness--it is b/c of there attitude, I am convinced.
post #16 of 295
I completely agree about attitude being important. Body image is something I struggle with as well but on some days I can feel great and I think I look fine. Other days the stretch marks and extra skin seem overwhelming. I think that someone who relaxes and enjoys thier body is automatically sexier (regardless of what they look like) than someone hiding. I get the theory - hopefully I will be able to get my brain around it soon.

I have been reading through everyones descriptions of what they want and nodding! I want someone who is a grown up, who I can respect and who is comfortable and fun to be around. As for the type of relationship, I don't know yet. At the moment I don't want to move in with anyone or have any kind of step parenting going on. Perhaps at some point that will appeal but right now I like my life, I just would like to have a romantic interest in it too. I would prefer to meet someone with kids, just because they would have more of an understanding of the commitments I have.
post #17 of 295
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by muse View Post

speaking of which...anyone believe in telepathy here?

....I want to feel confident, attractive, sexy...it is SO different thinking about dating at this age, and after having children. anyone else relate?
I do believe. And it sounds like there's something very special going on.

Can you join a gym? What about going for long, brisk walks and/or dancing on the dance floor with girlfriends? (my chosen fitness routine) Attitude is a LOT, yes, but also being in good cardiovascular shape (so you can loop up the stairs two at a time just because you're feeling whimsical and cheerful and give yourself a little boost by getting almost winded and a little physical rush, for example) and having better posture helps to exude vivaciousness which is sexy. I think slouchy posture makes people look so unsexy and definitely puts their bodies in the worst possible lights. And just sluggishness and a lack of being able to do something physical and fun at the drop of a hat (race you to the tree! or a sudden wrestling match, or swinging the kids around, etc) is also extremely unsexy. Regardless of how you 'look' in a bikini. I think pants/skirts without elastic waistbands that do give you a 'shape' so that when you're dressed you subconsciously hold your core muscles tighter and sit/stand up straighter to look the best in the outfit are a good thing. Anytime you are engaging your core muscles in your stomach, lower back and hold yourself up as tall as you can with shoulders slightly back, I think it's great. Shoes/boots with a heal, that you still walk around in sure-footed, not teetering, are also great because it gives your body instantly a taller, longer, more elegant silouette and if it makes you *FEEL* sexy then you will get closer to that sexy attitude we all acknowledge is so powerful.

Also if I feel frumpy I carry myself frumpy and hardly get looks on the street. Makeup, especially mascara and lipstick, to make me feel like I don't look washed out or asleep, makes a huge difference in how I believe my face looks to others, so therefore the expression on my face is more inviting and lovely than when I'm hoping no one looks at me, of course.



as for Cad, he is truly out of shape (but thin) and has no 'zest' for being able to do anything physical, or so it seems. I want a guy who can get playful and pick me up and throw me over his shoulder and 'abduct me' to another room or something (I'm only 116 pounds or something, it's not asking that much), and I doubt that this little guy could lift even little me. Plus he just seems as if he's moving underwater since he's not a physical person. Slightly hunched posture and a body that seems like it's atrophied in the limbs from lack of use (but slight belly) that just doesn't exude masculinity in any way. I just wonder that even if I can be attracted to him, will my eyes wander in the future when some guy with a more 'broad shouldered and straight backed, tall athletic shape' type body walks by....? Fit, strong, healthy bodies are nice. It's nice when a man takes care of himself. Bodes well for your health as you reach middle age and beyond. I would imagine a passion for good nutrition might come along with that, and.... well this guy was a smoker until we met and I asked him to stop. Just shows mental laziness and disrespect to your body to even do a thing like smoke.

He's also pushing how he can imagine spending the rest of his life with me, and has been after less than 24 hours of knowing me, and now is nearly in tears at the fear that he might lose me, and it's only 3 days after having discovered I exist. It just seems like this level of attachment this soon is a red flag and sign of emotional insecurity. I'm not the type to be easily smothered by attention and affection and interest, if I'm also interested back (and I was/have been) but this is really pushing it.

There are also deal-breaking issues about a potential future together even if I wanted to move forward at lightning fast speed with this one. He lives 50% of his time with his son, next door to his ex-wife, in a smaller town half an hour away. I am still involved in a custody battle for my kids, and I don't know what my future looks like. If, next year or the year after that, I move from the center of the city, it will be because my ex and I finally put down arms and have agreed on some arrangement to be close to each other for the kids' sake, and in that case I would move from a city I have come to love and create a life in, two hours north to my ex's hometown.
I'd never, under any circumstances in any future time frame, be moving out to the town he lives in, to share a life with him. But in the shorter term there's already an issue that next week he's with his son and would like me to visit and hang around over there as well and..... : when my kids aren't here, I miss them too much to hang out with someone else's kids. It hurts too much to have that rubbed in my face. I don't even want to go to his home when his son isn't there if it's strewn with toys, if it's a day that I'm really hurting because of missing my kids. When they aren't here visiting with me (I'm waiting for another court date right now and just trying to hang in there one day at a time) I just try to get through the day and not dwell to the point of insanity on how much I miss my kids and get too worked up at the injustice of this situation I'm in. My kids need me to be strong. Cad's son is the same age as my older one and looks similar. WHen I'm nearly in tears at missing my first born, no way could I smile and make nice and hang out with this kid and this is already a problem to Cad because he doesn't want to have every other week on his calendar blacked out where he can't see me. But it's asking too much. I agreed to playdates with his son, but only when I have my kids will I be willing to be around him and his son.
And I can't help but realize that him having his future totally bolted down and settled right there in that town, next door to his ex-wife and raising his son with her happily and amicably....just doesn't gel in any way with my various future scenarios that I come up with. Just the lack of flexibility in general is a turn-off, because of the crisis my life is in here in this foreign country, fighting for custody of my kids.

Sigh. This is why I don't date single dads, usually. I just need an extraordinary amount of flexibility and ability to cater to my life and the direction it may lead in the future for any man who wants to be with me badly enough to put up with that. And dads already have a #1 priority in their life which can easily make that impossible to offer me, and rightfully so. Plus in the early courting stage, I just want to spend time with the person and I feel more comfortable keeping it just me & him and not bringing children into the mix. Playdates are fine, so long as I have my monkeys climbing on me at the same time and all is right with the world. So not ok if mine are with their dad and I'm counting the days to see them again. I can't handle it. Things in this regard are SO much easier when the guy doesn't HAVE kids, obviously.

Normally I wouldn't be musing about 'rest of our lives' with someone I've known for 3 days but he's pushing the issue constantly with me. Wanting to talk about whether we can be together, in a serious way, a couple....soon (if not now?!) and he really really wants to imagine the rest of his life with me, already. That alone is kind of disturbing and making me hyperventillate.
post #18 of 295
Quote:
Originally Posted by muse View Post
speaking of which...anyone believe in telepathy here? i swear that every time i finish speaking with Chicago man on the phone it's like 5 mins later he's here in the room with me in a very powerful physical way. hard to explain.
I do believe in the possibility of a psychic connection. I have a good friend who seems to share that with her beloved. She is always telling me how he called when she absolutely needed him.

Quote:
Originally Posted by muse View Post
BUT..mamas..I am SO insecure about myself physically these days. motherhood was not kind to me, and the stress of my marriage and divorce was just downright cruel. some things i can work on, some things are just the way they're gonna be. i cannot imagine ever getting naked in front of anyone, never mind having sex! i know that if someone loves me they won't care, but *I* care...I want to feel confident, attractive, sexy...it is SO different thinking about dating at this age, and after having children. anyone else relate? i think also it would be different with a man who has had kids because maybe they've seen a woman go through these changes, but not this man.
Ever heard the old saying "Fake it til you make it"? I'm a huge believer in this. Go buy yourself some pretty lingerie. I don't care if you have to roll pennies and go to Wal-Mart. Go buy yourself at least one bra that is lacy and not white, and get some panties to go with. Every time you need a shot of confidence, wear the good lingerie (this is for more than just dating/discussing politics--I wore a red lace bra and panties + garter belt and stockings to my mediation back in the day, just for the confidence boost). Wear it and look at yourself in the mirror--this is why fit is vital, by the way!--and tell yourself how lovely you are again and again until you realize it's true.

Go through your wardrobe and weed stuff out. Be absolutely ruthless. Toss everything that is stained or in poor repair. Donate good stuff that you don't know makes you look beautiful. Now, I am certainly not telling you to try to be something you are not, here! If your wardrobe has a hippie-Earth-mama vibe going to it, then work it! Just, you know, work it. A personal example--I am really, really busty. So if I'm not very careful to wear at least somewhat fitted shirts, I risk looking like a battleship in full sail! If you've got stuff that causes you a similar issue, it needs to go. It is that simple. If you know that everything you wear looks good on you, you will know you look good in anything!

Think really hard and figure out some little primping thing you used to do but let fall by the wayside when you had kids, and do it again. Even if you have to alter it. In high school, I used to have the best manicures. I'd really go all out with how I painted my nails--wild colors, several different colors, occasionally decals or something of the sort. Now, I no longer have the patience to do that...but I do paint my fingernails when I'm feeling especially pretty, and I try to keep my toenails done because, face it, that's a lot less effort.



And, you know, it's weird. I used to contemplate getting nekkid in front of WD and him judging me. I know I'm a pretty good-looking chica, but I also know I've got that post-three-kids body, with the stretch marks and the saggy chichis and the c-section scar, etc. So I'd be insecure...But with TG, I do not have a moment's fear, because I know to the deepest part of me that he will never pause in finding me beautiful.

Last night/this morning he and I had us a long talk. I told him "I like you like I like steak." Something has changed--I do not know what--but I am his now. Which, as those of you in privateland know, clears the way for a long discussion of politics. Probably many discussions, the way he and I are about that subject!
post #19 of 295
Muse, I totally had that with my ex-b. We had this psychic connection and could feel each others presence in a very real way. We also would always know the others mood.

I'm still thinking about what I want. That's part of why I'm not actively dating right now.

I thought I knew. I actually wrote a list and then found THAT man. And it was very much fate--there were threads from years before where we had been connected and such. And parts of it were truly incredible and beautiful and other parts were deal-breakers and well, downright nasty. I'm glad it happened so my list worked out, but not sure if a list of qualities/characteristics really distills the essence. I may focus more on how I feel when I am with someone and be aware of my deal-breakers.

I've been attracted to cocky men for some reason and I'm tired of that energy. So no more of that...

I don't plan to have my kids around dates at all. I would have to be dating for awhile (5-6 months) before I would be interested in introducing them. I'm a bit reclusive so it isn't like they meet new people constantly.

I don't want to remarry. Or even particularly live with someone so that limits things a bit. A long term committed relationship with separate residences sounds ideal.
post #20 of 295
Thread Starter 
BTW, I'm walking around miserable now.



for 2 reasons.

a) I totally am setting up this guy Cad to get his sweet little heart broken. Where did I go wrong? I'm really not sure. Guilt guilt guilt guilt guilt.....


b) I'm with Brittney now on the missing-the-original-guy thing. And Dhinderliter. I found it, the whole package, and he felt just as strong as I did.....but bailed on me because things are complicated. It still stings, badly. And even worse to get the occasional communication from him that he's not any more 'over it' than I am. But he has a new girlfriend. Why can't I find someone like that vanishing guy in brussels ...here? I just want it to be so right, again. I'm clinging to a fantasy that probably largely never existed in the first place. Maybe real, live, present-in-my-current-life men are too scary.

Or maybe I don't want to f'in settle. So sue me, universe. But I don't wanna.
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