Originally Posted by muse
speaking of which...anyone believe in telepathy here?
....I want to feel confident, attractive, sexy...it is SO different thinking about dating at this age, and after having children. anyone else relate?
I do believe. And it sounds like there's something very special going on.
Can you join a gym? What about going for long, brisk walks and/or dancing on the dance floor with girlfriends? (my chosen fitness routine) Attitude is a LOT, yes, but also being in good cardiovascular shape (so you can loop up the stairs two at a time just because you're feeling whimsical and cheerful and give yourself a little boost by getting almost winded and a little physical rush, for example) and having better posture helps to exude vivaciousness which is sexy. I think slouchy posture makes people look so unsexy and definitely puts their bodies in the worst possible lights. And just sluggishness and a lack of being able to do something physical and fun at the drop of a hat (race you to the tree! or a sudden wrestling match, or swinging the kids around, etc) is also extremely unsexy. Regardless of how you 'look' in a bikini. I think pants/skirts without elastic waistbands that do give you a 'shape' so that when you're dressed you subconsciously hold your core muscles tighter and sit/stand up straighter to look the best in the outfit are a good thing. Anytime you are engaging your core muscles in your stomach, lower back and hold yourself up as tall as you can with shoulders slightly back, I think it's great. Shoes/boots with a heal, that you still walk around in sure-footed, not teetering, are also great because it gives your body instantly a taller, longer, more elegant silouette and if it makes you *FEEL* sexy then you will get closer to that sexy attitude we all acknowledge is so powerful.
Also if I feel frumpy I carry myself frumpy and hardly get looks on the street. Makeup, especially mascara and lipstick, to make me feel like I don't look washed out or asleep, makes a huge difference in how I believe my face looks to others, so therefore the expression on my face is more inviting and lovely than when I'm hoping no one looks at me, of course.
as for Cad, he is truly out of shape (but thin) and has no 'zest' for being able to do anything physical, or so it seems. I want a guy who can get playful and pick me up and throw me over his shoulder and 'abduct me' to another room or something (I'm only 116 pounds or something, it's not asking that much), and I doubt that this little guy could lift even little me. Plus he just seems as if he's moving underwater since he's not a physical person. Slightly hunched posture and a body that seems like it's atrophied in the limbs from lack of use (but slight belly) that just doesn't exude masculinity in any way. I just wonder that even if I can be attracted to him, will my eyes wander in the future when some guy with a more 'broad shouldered and straight backed, tall athletic shape' type body walks by....? Fit, strong, healthy bodies are nice. It's nice when a man takes care of himself. Bodes well for your health as you reach middle age and beyond. I would imagine a passion for good nutrition might come along with that, and.... well this guy was a smoker until we met and I asked him to stop. Just shows mental laziness and disrespect to your body to even do a thing like smoke.
He's also pushing how he can imagine spending the rest of his life with me, and has been after less than 24 hours of knowing me, and now is nearly in tears at the fear that he might lose me, and it's only 3 days after having discovered I exist. It just seems like this level of attachment this soon is a red flag and sign of emotional insecurity. I'm not the type to be easily smothered by attention and affection and interest, if I'm also interested back (and I was/have been) but this is really pushing it.
There are also deal-breaking issues about a potential future together even if I wanted to move forward at lightning fast speed with this one. He lives 50% of his time with his son, next door to his ex-wife, in a smaller town half an hour away. I am still involved in a custody battle for my kids, and I don't know what my future looks like. If, next year or the year after that, I move from the center of the city, it will be because my ex and I finally put down arms and have agreed on some arrangement to be close to each other for the kids' sake, and in that case I would
move from a city I have come to love and create a life in, two hours north to my
I'd never, under any circumstances in any future time frame, be moving out to the town he lives in, to share a life with him. But in the shorter term there's already an issue that next week he's with his son and would like me to visit and hang around over there as well and.....
: when my kids aren't here, I miss them too much to hang out with someone else's kids. It hurts too much to have that rubbed in my face. I don't even want to go to his home when his son isn't there if it's strewn with toys, if it's a day that I'm really hurting because of missing my kids. When they aren't here visiting with me (I'm waiting for another court date right now and just trying to hang in there one day at a time) I just try to get through the day and not dwell to the point of insanity on how much I miss my kids and get too worked up at the injustice of this situation I'm in. My kids need me to be strong. Cad's son is the same age as my older one and looks similar. WHen I'm nearly in tears at missing my first born, no way could I smile and make nice and hang out with this kid and this is already a problem to Cad because he doesn't want to have every other week on his calendar blacked out where he can't see me. But it's asking too much. I agreed to playdates with his son, but only when I have my kids will I be willing to be around him and his son.
And I can't help but realize that him having his future totally bolted down and settled right there in that town, next door to his ex-wife and raising his son with her happily and amicably....just doesn't gel in any way with my various future scenarios that I come up with. Just the lack of flexibility in general is a turn-off, because of the crisis my life is in here in this foreign country, fighting for custody of my kids.
Sigh. This is why I don't date single dads, usually. I just need an extraordinary amount of flexibility and ability to cater to my life and the direction it may lead in the future for any man who wants to be with me badly enough to put up with that. And dads already have a #1 priority in their life which can easily make that impossible to offer me, and rightfully so. Plus in the early courting stage, I just want to spend time with the person and I feel more comfortable keeping it just me & him and not bringing children into the mix. Playdates are fine, so long as I have my monkeys climbing on me at the same time and all is right with the world. So not ok if mine are with their dad and I'm counting the days to see them again. I can't handle it. Things in this regard are SO much easier when the guy doesn't HAVE kids, obviously.
Normally I wouldn't be musing about 'rest of our lives' with someone I've known for 3 days but he's pushing the issue constantly with me. Wanting to talk about whether we can be together, in a serious way, a couple....soon (if not now?!) and he really really wants to imagine the rest of his life with me, already. That alone is kind of disturbing and making me hyperventillate.