*~*'~* October Dating Thread *~*'~* What are we looking for? *~*'~* - Page 2

[JohnnysGirl]

So...sabra...

When are you two meeting face to face? With all those hours logged on the phone, why isn't he getting a hands-free phone device and driving to meet you for a coffee live and in person, while he entertains you with his conversation? How far apart are you two?

[muse]

mamas, you are so great and i'm so glad for this thread. i'll get back to the stuff about body image but just had to share, i had the roughest work at week ever (i'm a music therapist in a children's hospital) and last Chicago Man phoned exactly at the time hoped he would and his energy was just amazing (just back from hockey and working out, hence my body consciousness!!), and what did he do, instinctively, without me saying anything?..sang to me down the phone. he has an amazing voice. AND what was the first song he sang? only the song i sing almost every night to my kids, and which i was working on learning on guitar: somewhere over the rainbow..it's getting freaky!!

amazing phonecall all around. i'm left speechless.

[crazyeight]

butterfly~ it's my personal situation to make me say this but get out from Cad! it's just giving me the willies thinking about the sudden attachment and i swore to MYSELF as soon as i could that i would NOT be around anyone who thinks like that not REALLY (there's a fine line between the testing what if's how would that works and silly daydreams and the sudden need for attachment). besides the fact that you just wrote a huge couple of paragraphs listing all the reasons why you don't think you'll do well which i think in the first few months it should be hard to say "i hate that he leaves the cap off the toothpaste!" let alone deep stuff. just my .02.

i've been thinking about those "ideals" and wants. it seems at least a couple of people here seemed to find the people to match their "list" and it didn't work....i think i'll scrub the ideal on go on connection, trustworthyness, creep factor, and potential instead of what i do/don't want in a list form.

[sbphotogr]

Butterflymom: Have you let him know that all this future talk is a little overwhelming? Honestly it would completely freak me out. That's just such a small amount of time for such serious talks. If it's this intense for him now what will happen when there is an argument or something?

SagesgirlI love your advice on fake it till you make it. I have been busting my bum with crazy work outs for about 6 months now trying to feel super sexy. While I am def seeing benefits, I really feel like today I need to go buy some super sexy lingerie.

So....MMM asked my if yesterday if we could do lunch today. Originally he asked me to dinner and drinks, IMO much different than lunch. I go to lunch all the time. I told him I was busy until four, and so he suggested lunch Monday. I told him maybe some other time, and he told me to let him know whenever I had time around lunch. OK...he's not into me and I am not willing to be a sympathy lunch date because I did a favor.

I must admit that I am super disappointed. I never get asked out for dinner and I was really looking forward to it. I'm also disappointed at myself for getting so into this guy who was not interested back. It makes me realize how desperate for attention I am if I'm fantasizing over someone for weeks just because they were attractive and nice to me.

[Hollycrand]

Originally Posted by sbphotogr

It makes me realize how desperate for attention I am if I'm fantasizing over someone for weeks just because they were attractive and nice to me.

BTDT. With Sexy Computer Guy. Though I didn't fantasize about him, it took me a long time to really see that he just wasn't into me.

[Hollycrand]

Butterflymom,

Although CAD seems like a great guy, I think you really should put the brakes on this one. I don't know him, so I don't know how he'd react to it, but you need to tell him how you feel this is all way too soon. Be honest. You don,t need to stop seeing him if you don,t want to, but if I had this from a 37 year old, my red flags would be going up.

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by sbphotogr

It makes me realize how desperate for attention I am if I'm fantasizing over someone for weeks just because they were attractive and nice to me.

The best thing for you to do is to post that stunning/adorable photo of yourself that I see everyday elsewhere online onto an online profile and get yourself some new prospects to meet for some quickie coffees and see if anything really mutual sparks up. That'll get your mind off of MMM right quick. Speed-date style, set up a few different coffee meetings in thirty minute intervals on one extended lunch hour someday soon, and see which one you'd like to see again. Just an idea. : I like the idea of some more prospects/news from you, you lovely lady you. You deserve to be smilin', not frownin.'

And yes, I told Cad that he's freaking me out and he agrees to put the brakes on. Still think I'm kinda "done."

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by dhinderliter

....i think i'll scrub the ideal on go on connection, trustworthyness, creep factor, and potential instead of what i do/don't want in a list form.

I think my 'list' is kinda the same thing as what you're saying. How they make me feel about their heart, intentions, and bond to me. Whether it's healthy, pure, strong, and being put out there in the form of romance to me and not simply hidden feelings I cant' decipher. If ya'll think about a best girlfriend in your life who has been awesome and like a sister to you over the years, you probably didn't search her out with a list in hand, it just....fit. I want a guy to be a best friend like that.

[sugarmoon]

Hey All,

Great question to kick us off, Butterfly. I love reading everyones responses, and I agree with most of you!

I want...

as Rosehip said, A GROWN-UP! Someone who has his act together. Emotionally mature, financially responsible, a fully functioning father (if he is one) etc

someone who can manage to treat me in a way that makes me feel cherished and adored while still giving me the space to let me continue to grow and be independent

someone who accepts my kids as the people they are, and can be a good presence in their lives.

hmmm..

and to those of you who are stuck on the 'first guy', I'm so right back there with you. I ran into Complications in the grocery store, and he was so...big smile, happy to see me, friendly small talk...UGH!!!!!

I couldn't say anything other than small talk, as we both had our kids with us, which was so frustrating.

If he wanted to go all Junior High on me and stop talking to me, then he just shouldn't TALK to me, right????

Ugh. It was several weeks ago and still has me really tweaked.

I need to find a quick fling, I think...

[Hollycrand]

sugarmoon,

Scrabble Guy doesn,t live far away from you, if you're looking for a dance partner!

[sugarmoon]

Originally Posted by Hollycrand

sugarmoon,

Scrabble Guy doesn,t live far away from you, if you're looking for a dance partner!

Yeah, you'd better duck and RUN, Holly!

No, seriously though, as I was reading Butterfly's description of CADs insta-clingy thing, all I could think of was Scrabble guy...

There is a new cutie on the local online dating site -- I don't have an ad up anymore, but I may write to him and ask him for a coffee or something.

I just need some fun.

[josybear]

hey all
i thought i'd update you on my situation.
seeing as i'm up to my eyeballs in schoolwork and doing more sinking than swimming i've decided to take the winter off from looking around. if the perfect guy walked into my life today i wouldn't have the time or energy for him, anyways.
my summer of experimentation wasn't a total waste, though. there's this guy that i like to talk politics with. seriously, he come over, we debate, and he goes home. we have nothing else in common, but i like the stimulation, and he's a fantastic debater. we've scheduled these conversations to be weekly, since we both seem to really enjoy them. it's an odd relationship, to say the least, and i haven't told my irl friends about him, but there you have it.

i hope you are all doing well.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

What are you looking for?

My 6 years of single mamahood and dating lead me to a HUGE epiphany about this question.

I started out with similar lists... all with some variation that has been listed so far. BUT, it just never worked for me. Mainly, because I was comparing a human (in imperfect, flawed being) with an idealized list that was impossible for anyone to fill.

That is when I had my epiphany: I realized that I (me, myself and I) needed to become the person that I wanted to be with as a life partner.

If I wanted someone who was responsible in all aspects of their life... then I needed to be responsible for all aspects of my life.

If I wanted someone who knows how to communicate openly, honestly and respectfully... then I needed to be able to do that.

If I wanted someone to accept and love all of my flaws and foibles... then I needed to be able to accept NOT only my own flaws and foibles, but also those of others.

If I wanted someone that was physically fit/active and dressed nicely, then I needed to also be physically fit/active and dress nicely.

Etc, etc.

So many times I found that I expected more from the men I was dating, then I expected from myself. I expected them to be these idealized, flawless individuals.

Once I let that go and really began to work on becoming the person I would want to spend my life with... that person entered my life. And, we both continue to push each other to become the people we want to be... we just do it together now.

[JohnnysGirl]

I definitely haven't listed anything on here that I am also not already able to bring to the table.

In fact, I think many of us are coming out of imbalanced relationships where we weren't appreciated for all of our wonderful qualities, and now just sort of listing that we'd like to be in an EQUAL relationship where a theoretical partner would be able to hold up his side of things in a mutually appreciative manner.

I know I'm not the only one on this thread that looks back and sees that they were totally taken advantage of in the past. Fell for someone and just did everything for that person, were willing to move the earth/sun whilst not getting lazy or becoming a boring dud themselves, and had a man in their life who just soaked that up and enjoyed it and never reciprocated, or at least not even close to equally. Great moms tend to be givers/nurturers in general to those they love, and I know I certainly gave gave gave in my marriage and never saw that kind of generosity or romance in return.

Now I've been stating and will continue to state that I just want someone who can offer almost everything that I know I'm able to offer. As a potential partner to someone, I'm already there. Just need a guy to be worthy of me.

[Hollycrand]

Josybear,



A friend is a friend.

I haven't told my friends about GM yet either. Just told my parents and ex about him last week.

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by josybear

it's an odd relationship, to say the least, and i haven't told my irl friends about him, but there you have it..

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

I definitely haven't listed anything on here that I am also not already able to bring to the table.

In fact, I think many of us are coming out of imbalanced relationships where we weren't appreciated for all of our wonderful qualities, and now just sort of listing that we'd like to be in an EQUAL relationship where a theoretical partner would be able to hold up his side of things in a mutually appreciative manner.

I know I'm not the only one on this thread that looks back and sees that they were totally taken advantage of in the past. Fell for someone and just did everything for that person, were willing to move the earth/sun whilst not getting lazy or becoming a boring dud themselves, and had a man in their life who just soaked that up and enjoyed it and never reciprocated, or at least not even close to equally. Great moms tend to be givers/nurturers in general to those they love, and I know I certainly gave gave gave in my marriage and never saw that kind of generosity or romance in return.

Now I've been stating and will continue to state that I just want someone who can offer almost everything that I know I'm able to offer. As a potential partner to someone, I'm already there. Just need a guy to be worthy of me.

My post was not a criticism of any of the women on this board, nor the want/need to list what you want in a partner.

I was strictly sharing MY own story and experience with such a list.

My apologies.

Best of luck.

[JohnnysGirl]

Fresh spin-off question

I hear alot of you all saying that you're too busy to even have time for a perfect partner if they were to come along.

Is this how everyone feels? That a perfect partner would take time away from other endevours and require additional energy or energy re-directed?

I want a partnership where I feel like he breathes energy into me just from knowing him. He inspires me to achieve my goals and I find it is easier to get things done and go-go-go with him in my life cheering me on and there to celebrate at every accomplishment, than I would feel without him. That I sleep/rest better in his arms and feel more powerful the next day because I have him on my team, and him to come home to. (this would be true even if we didn't live together, but referring to evenings/nights that we would be spending next to one another, unwinding with each other).

: thoughts? :

Those of you with boyfriends/partners..... do you feel you had an empty space in your life and excess energy and that's why you noticed/were able to pursue things with this guy? Or do you feel like you connected and teamed up regardless of how busy/stressed/exhausted one or both of you were, and that the relationship doesn't take away from the rest of your pursuits?

:

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by Holland73

My post was not a criticism of any of the women on this board....

My apologies.

I didn't feel criticized and I don't think you need to apologize.

I think what you said makes all the sense in the world. Of course focusing on self-improvement is far more constructive than 'wish lists' and unrealistic lists of qualities are ...well, unrealistic. We're all looking for a person, a human, after all. Who will be humanly flawed. I get that. That's why my list is predominantly someone who will just.... make me want to express the romance in my soul and who will find himself expressing his feelings via a similar level of thoughtful romance. We'll build each other up, and he'll be someone I'd be proud for my kids to have in their life. It's not a Mr. Perfect I'm seeking. Just a Mr. Perfect-For-Me-and-My-Sappiness. Not too many die hard romantics in this country though. Sigh.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

I didn't feel criticized and I don't think you need to apologize.

I think what you said makes all the sense in the world. Of course focusing on self-improvement is far more constructive than 'wish lists' and unrealistic lists of qualities are ...well, unrealistic. We're all looking for a person, a human, after all. Who will be humanly flawed. I get that. That's why my list is predominantly someone who will just.... make me want to express the romance in my soul and who will find himself expressing his feelings via a similar level of thoughtful romance. We'll build each other up, and he'll be someone I'd be proud for my kids to have in their life. It's not a Mr. Perfect I'm seeking. Just a Mr. Perfect-For-Me-and-My-Sappiness. Not too many die hard romantics in this country though. Sigh.

Thank you.

I absolutely did not want my post to come off holier-than-thou or as any type of criticism and/or judgement.

It was just an interesting experience for me and I thought it might be helpful.