*~*'~* October Dating Thread *~*'~* What are we looking for? *~*'~* - Page 12

[momanderson]

I'm a bit annoyed to report not much happening with hot neighbour! Haven't heard a thing from him all week. He had his kids this week and it is hunting season here. 2 things he is very into! Hunting a hunter is hard!! I'm really hoping to get something going there, but on the other hand I don't think I would enjoy just being an option for the week the kids are off, ya know? I want to be someones priority!!
So to keep my options open I am on fb's Are you interested and have a few matches, one of whom asked to add me as a friend. He is cute, blue blue eyes, 10 years older than me though! We chatted for an hour and it was nice. convo flowed really well I thought! A friend came over so he got off, but said we'd continue the convo latter! wished me sweet dreams He lives kinda far away but it's nice to chat and dang getting compliment from men feels so good!!

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by momanderson

I want to be someones priority!!

:

[monkey'smom]

I actually need some advice on how to proceed from here...a few years ago, I worked in a coffee shop. There was a guy who I thought was cute ( so not my type, but just one those things where he was instantly picked up by my radar). I noticed pretty quickly that he had a gf. so I put him out of my mind.

Anyhow, fast forward to now, I was looking around POF one night, and there he was. So, obviously I messaged him. After a few messages back and forth, we ran into each other one night downtown. I recognized him and introduced myself. He ended the conversation pretty quickly and left the bar. I took that as a maybe he wasn't too pleasantly suprised with IRL self. However, the next morning when I woke up, there was a message from him that would have had to of been sent immediately after he got home that was an apology for taking off and that his brother had been waiting for him outside and wanted to go.

Since then, we have been chatting on msn. It is always him who initiates the conversation, and he seems to do so whenever we are both online. We have fairly lengthy conversations. They are just about whatever, but not in any way flirtatious, aside from a couple of winks and him telling me I had a nice smile.

My question is, can I ask him out? I'm not interested in an online friendship, so the way I see it, it's better to just find out right away if he's actually interested or not. But! I am a very straight forward person, and have expressed interest in guys before, and have had guys lose interest in me after me being the one calling the shots ( asking them out, expressing my interest). I have, however, had relationships where I have been the one to first express interest that have worked out fine.

After promising myself the next time I met someone I would let them do the pursuing, here I am fighting the urge to ask him to go for a drink or coffee, just to see where his head is at. What should I do?

[JohnnysGirl]

I'm usually the one who expresses interest and makes it very clear that things have a green light.

I'm sick of that. Why shouldn't the guy ever man up and pursue? that's just where I'm at right now.


My party just ended. SS and SE were here, and SS ignored me. SE didn't, and he's passed out here in my bed. I'll go cuddle up with him and sleep now. There are 6 people sleeping in my home right now!

[Rosehip]

Welcome Monkey'sMom! I'm generally not one to pursue. What I would probably do is make myself LESS available online. When he initiates chat, I would only chat with him briefly, and then have to go. Be busy. Being a bit unavailable will pique his interest, if he's going to get interested.

MomAnderson - you're so right about being someone's priority! It's important. Can you tell me more about the Are You Interested thing? If I join it, do all my friends know I've joined it? How does it work?

Butterfly - I hope the party was great despite SS! I think putting the onus on the men is a great idea. It really seems to make them more invested in things.

As for me, we're on for another round of squash, and then dinner Monday night.This will be date number 3

[JohnnysGirl]

You didn't ask me but since I'm cruising AYI right now, I'll tell you. It's a lame little application on facebook that occasionally may or could produce some interesting new contacts but for the most part are full of married or otherwise-attached people just foolin' around while they're bored at work and want to hang out on facebook. People who are really serious about finding someone are not there. Then again I'm the last person to ask. I never meet men I'm interested in who are serious about being open to a relationship in ANY venue so. :

SE stayed all day today after cuddling with me for 10 hours and then cleaned up after my party with me. Tennis Boy (anyone remember him besides holly who has seen him wave at her on my webcam? Married friend who seems to be trying to get himself an affair with me but I haven't been biting....) anyway Tennis Boy came to my party with his wife and she was hitting on SE and actually dove in for a kiss after asking him 20 times in a row for one and him saying that he won't because she's married. Tennis Boy himself certainly was flirting with me. Why do people get married? I was expecting her to be this russian beauty and very charming but not what I expected.

SS's best friend came and hit on me HARD. Guess SS didn't give him any heads up that I was a potential interest for him. His other friend who came with him was fine. SS could not have been less interested in even looking at me. I feel gutted at the rejection. No one likes it.

Yes men should have the burden of pursuing or they dont' act like it's worth anything. If it came too easily it must not be worth having, or something? They'll value it more if they had to chase and 'win' it? I flippin' hate games. I just want to somehow jump in with both feet like a grinnin' fool, hand in hand with another person who is also grinnin' and happily jumping in at the same precise moment as me, and it's not a question of wondering who was showing more interest at the outset, when things were just starting to unfold. How about them just unfolding at first eye contact and there never being any doubt from then on about the intense mutual interest. That kinda thing appeals to me much more. Just haven't found it since VGB. BUt I know it exists. I wait.

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by momanderson

Hunting a hunter is hard!! I'm really hoping to get something going there, but on the other hand I don't think I would enjoy just being an option for the week the kids are off, ya know? I want to be someones priority!!

Hmm there are some interesting personalities at play here. I do not think you should completely hold back if that is your true personality however according to a book I read years ago Getting to I Do you may have to adjust the type of men you typically go after or adjust some items in your personality. If you go with the stereo type female energy (as described in Getting To I Do then Why do Men Like Bi**hes is a good book to read)

I am a stereo type female energy and hunting is not hard.... I have never had a man I wanted not elect to "hunt me" when I let it be known that I was vaguely interested! While I don't follow tools from any book to accomplish this I have to admit so many items in Why Do Men Like... were things I did and do naturally. We all have relationship challenges so don't think I am without those. My challenge is timing and knowing when it's best to simply move on. In my core personality I want to be someones priority but somewhere after the chase is done they stop being the ice scrapper and I need someone willing to be that consistently not just during the initial phase.

monkey'smom This is going to sound blunt and I hope it is not the case but when I read this post by you my initial reaction is that he is already otherwise occupied possibly still in a relationship or in a new one, but wants you to fill some empty time by have an online "fling"....

About pursuing men see my comment above to momanderson. If it is natural for you to do the pursuing then you need to be true to yourself but if that is the case you can to also evaluate the type of men you pursuing because not all men will be value that and the right one for you will....

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

I'm sick of that. Why shouldn't the guy ever man up and pursue? that's just where I'm at right now.


My party just ended. SS and SE were here, and SS ignored me. SE didn't, and he's passed out here in my bed. I'll go cuddle up with him and sleep now. There are 6 people sleeping in my home right now!

Men should man up and pursue but you should also be able to both jump in together if you desire. It just has to be the right man. I think the challenge you face is that you don't value you as much as you should. Do you realize how amazing of a person you are? Not on the surface but really deep down. The big change I would consider in your shoes would be to not give away your cookies even if you want to.... they need to earn that privilage. Also I can't help but think that you should stop looking a focus on you... (which I know you do as well) but really come to love yourself and not need/want someone and sometimes that is when they fall from the sky Hey it can't hurt to try, right..... worst thing that happens is you fall so deeply in love with yourself you realize men are best used for political conversations.

SE sounds sweet!!! Why are we not into him more.... I must have missed that. Tennis Boy and his wife sound like swingers and if that keeps their relationship alive then I won't judge them but it still does not mean it's for you.

[LoveOhm]

Originally Posted by muse

Great question!! Pretty much word for word what Butterflymom wrote..

maturity, empathy, compassion, communication, energy, responsibility, creativity, open heartedness, honesty, joy, thinking outside the box, independence, shared values, shared spiritual beliefs..someone that people meet and just say, "what a great person". someone that believes in me and thinks *I* am a great person. someone that can handle the challenges of parenthood, step parenting, partnership, me.. and of course a deeply shared physical connection.

: if there were a dream list of what I want this would be it! That said the list quoted below by Holland73 is more pragmatic and where I feel I am at this point!

Originally Posted by Holland73

I started out with similar lists... all with some variation that has been listed so far. BUT, it just never worked for me. Mainly, because I was comparing a human (in imperfect, flawed being) with an idealized list that was impossible for anyone to fill.

That is when I had my epiphany: I realized that I (me, myself and I) needed to become the person that I wanted to be with as a life partner.

If I wanted someone who was responsible in all aspects of their life... then I needed to be responsible for all aspects of my life.

If I wanted someone who knows how to communicate openly, honestly and respectfully... then I needed to be able to do that.

If I wanted someone to accept and love all of my flaws and foibles... then I needed to be able to accept NOT only my own flaws and foibles, but also those of others.

If I wanted someone that was physically fit/active and dressed nicely, then I needed to also be physically fit/active and dress nicely.

Etc, etc.

So many times I found that I expected more from the men I was dating, then I expected from myself. I expected them to be these idealized, flawless individuals.

Once I let that go and really began to work on becoming the person I would want to spend my life with... that person entered my life. And, we both continue to push each other to become the people we want to be... we just do it together now.

I really struggle with this bolded section. While I do alot of work on myself I still have to be mindful of my idealized expectations of men I consider dating.

I am working on becoming the person I would want to spend the rest of my life with. And I am really working on not simply ending things because of my idealized expectations or because of the flaws another person needs to work out. That said this is especially challenging for me because my past track record in relationships shows that I also don't know when / how to cut ties when things are clearly not right for me....

[LoveOhm]

Okay ladies since I am sick and layin low I have time to be present on here.... it is both good and bad I wish I was not sick but I do enjoy reading all your updates! Here is an update of my dating world.

Three or four weeks ago The Agent wanted to spend time with me. He asked me last minute and I said I had plans but would meet him after. Since he can't come to my place and I can't come to his at night (due to us both having kids) he asked if he got a hotel room would that be okay so we don't have to eat dinner again or find someplace to hang out. I said sure because admittedly I also don't always want to be at dinner or a bar when I see him..... well he booked a hotel that is only slightly better than a motel and when he sent me the info. via text message I was having fun where I was and had no desire to hang out at a motel so I stood him up. I did email him and apologize in the next day or so stating I was too intoxicated to drive and meet him but heard no response back. A week or so later I called got voicemail so I left a message he called back (three days later) which I missed but his vm just said "this is agent" click...... I feel bad to have ended things in that tone because we have known eachother and been friendly for 8 years but I also have no desire to feed into his pitty party for me not showing up at a motel. Next please....

Pretty Boy if any of you recall him and I have been chatting a bit more but I feel frustrated because though he has potential to be a wonderful boyfriend / husband / father he is also the only child of a single mom who allowed him to be the center of her world. Needless to say that is really challenging when I think he needs to cater to my schedule as a single mom. Also he never invites me on dates but to go to parties with him or to hang out in groups While we are there he is 100% focused on me, pays for everything for me, etc. says he wants a relationship but that he does not "date", does that even make sense? Maybe he is still trying to be a playboy.... I am not taking him serious at all but when I need a night out and my girls aren't going out I am okay with hanging with his crew... but then he should also see that is not the way to get close to me so he might as well save his political views for someone else.

I will have to come back and update about 2ndHusband but so much is going on there and I have so many questions with regard to that situation that I have to really have some time.

[crazyeight]

i like to be pursued...but i also think that i have some problems appearing "closed" to potential people....i have never seemed to be open before someone starts to talk to me. i am not sure how to change that. however if i have any sort of comfort with the person i am a HUGE flirt and totally not on person. i have never even had to poor it on so i also think that i have never tried. makes me wonder what's out there, what i'm missing etc. i'm trying to broaden my horizons but i think i'm gonna have a hard time figureing this out especially right now with so little adult time. anywho my feeling is that if you do feel that you have presented an "open" attitude and aren't getting bites then it's their loss. i will not deal with someone who can't even start a convo or ask for a date for many reasons mostly going to that "i want a REAL man not someone playing one" type of comment.

my kids are at their fathers! it's the first break i've had in a long time and i hope they are doing ok but i am really happy for the time! they are gone until tomorrow at 10 (left last night at 7:30). RR and I went to a movie (wow it's been soooo long!) and we're going out to cruise on the bike for the day. I kinda feel like i'm "wasting" my time as I could see RR with the kids (can't ride though!) but OTOH I don't really have any prospects right now anyways! I just started my college class (there's a cute looking dude there but you can just TELL he has a bad attitude about stuff but he also looks a little like Edward in twilight) and I really should steer clear of bad boy types!

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by LoveOhm

Men should man up and pursue but you should also be able to both jump in together if you desire. It just has to be the right man. I think the challenge you face is that you don't value you as much as you should. Do you realize how amazing of a person you are? Not on the surface but really deep down. The big change I would consider in your shoes would be to not give away your cookies even if you want to.... they need to earn that privilage. Also I can't help but think that you should stop looking a focus on you... (which I know you do as well) but really come to love yourself and not need/want someone and sometimes that is when they fall from the sky Hey it can't hurt to try, right..... worst thing that happens is you fall so deeply in love with yourself you realize men are best used for political conversations.

SE sounds sweet!!! Why are we not into him more.... I must have missed that. Tennis Boy and his wife sound like swingers and if that keeps their relationship alive then I won't judge them but it still does not mean it's for you.

you are so sweet. You are a very amazing person, as well, and I'm totally with you on how things played out with the Agent and the fall-out. but I have never been on board about him from the beginning. You deserve zazazoom, plain and simple, and that guy is out for getting what *he* wants (you). I'm starting to give up and not look, more out of exhaustion/frustration with the options in this country more than anything else. Sensitive Engineer IS sweet, and he's great, but he just doesn't feel like someone who will end up really being an ice scraper or even interested in a real relationship. I think we will end up friends for a longer term, though, so that's nice. We are getting along really great, and I know he really likes me, it's just.... I think finding a girlfriend is the last thing on his mind and the more i get to know him, the less I could picture us as a couple and him as a 'boyfriend' the way I want a guy to be. He's a boy. In ten years he'd be great. Not now.

I'm going to follow your advice, girlfriend. Tonight I have a date date with an Australian guy. I'll nickname him after tonight's date if it goes well. I call it a date date because he's picking me up at my place and taking me with his car to a restaurant for dinner. Doesn't that sound like a date?? The kind that locals around here don't have a clue about, but this foreign guy seems to. Thank goodness. He's 36, childless/never-married, professional in electrical engineering. Tall, seemingly handsome, plays piano. And no matter how well it goes, cookies staying in the cookie jar. I need to do something different and see what happens, as I'm not satisfied with the results of the past year of being boyfriend-less. If what your'e doing ain't working, try something different right? The definintion of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? How many more expressions do I need to spout? None, actually. I'm already convinced.

[LoveOhm]

Butterflymom that does sounds like a date date! Which seem to be fewer even here where I live. Hope the date goes well and I hope whatever changes you make in your approach with men produces results more in line with that you desire. It is never easy to look at yourself and admit something in you needs to change so that is a HUGE step already. You are a gem and any man who cannot see that and want to be your ice scraper is not worthy of you!

[brittneyscott]

LoveOhm: I'm glad to see you back. I wouldn't worry about the lame reaction from the Agent. I can't wait to hear the rest of your updates though.

Butterflymom: I hope your date went well. Where's our update?

dhinderliter: Great idea for your weekend off. Hope you enjoyed yourself.

MonkeysMom: I think cutting back from this one and letting him pursue you or just drop out is a good idea. It doesn't sound like he's interested in making much of a move right now.

Rosehip: Glad things are going well. I hope your date turned out great!

[LoveOhm]

2nd Husband Update

PLEASE NO FLAMES, JUST SUPPORTIVE ADVICE AND HUGS DESIRED

So somethings became a little more clear and a little less clear with 2nd Husband.

I had disappeared from him because for almost two months because I was going thru a personal health item and needed the space, then when I was ready to reconnect he was completely MIA. After him being MIA for about two weeks he sends me a text back saying he was in in rehab for three weeks to avoid a DUI. I was OK with this somewhat because in our city they are really strick about driving under the influence and since he goes out alot, drinks often, drives a really nice car and is a young minority, etc. I do expect the police to target him when he is out.... so we reconnected and hung out twice, he and I started to really open up again and we even chatted about being together possibly. He did mentioned that he still had to attend DUI classes once a week I think, but that was it. Fast forward a couple weeks he is back in rehab, I have no clue what triggered it this time........ and I feel completely torn about the whole ordeal.

On one hand I'm happy because when I thought about it beyond the surface level I realize going out to clubs and drinking socially were ways he escaped from his unhappiness. He is such an amazing person but sadly the entire time I have known him he has never had true friends. Most of the guys / girls around use him because his family is well off and he is well connected, has great access into parties, always guarantees a good time, always pays, etc. I have always held a special place for him and in dealing with him I realized that having an ice scrapper is great if you are also an ice scrapper for them. Since he is someone I love, I want to be supportive of him and if he feels the need to be in rehab to get better than I should be supportive, right? So since he is in phase one (and I know nothing of rehab) he cannot really have outside contact yet but he did send me a quick email asking me to write him which I did.

While I realize people have flaws, and if I want them to accept my flaws (and I have many) then I need to accept theirs but I also wonder is this too big a flaw to accept from someone I was/am considering opening my heart and at some point down the line exposing my dd to?

Him being in rehab and addressing the problem is better than living with this problem everyday on his own right? But for me it means moving even slower in our relationship, just when we were really getting close again. I guess this at least answers some of the challenges he had in opening up... still I am a little heart broken/disappointed that is was not just immaturity that had him going out all the time.

[brittneyscott]

Okay I don't know about things with Nemo. I know he wants a relationship and thinks we're already together. I just don't know though. I guess maybe its all moving so fast I'm starting to question it. I hope maybe after him being gone to work this week if we can be alone next weekend without being surrounded by kids and his family it'll relax me. Right now I just feel like I walked into a new marriage or something and I'm not sure I like it. Okay really... he said something about his grandmother wanting to meet me. That's fine but then he said she didn't like me being a bartender. So? Apparently he told her not to worry because it was only for the time being. What? Did I ever say that I wasn't keeping my job? I love bartending. I damn sure am not going to quit working and sit at home to play his little housewife if that's what this boy is thinking. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!! Its time I had a little talk with this one. He'll be home again this weekend and neither one of us should have the kids so I think we're going to have a little discussion Friday. Great! Another one that is probably getting weeded through. Ugh.

[Zeta]

Originally Posted by brittneyscott

he said she didn't like me being a bartender. So? Apparently he told her not to worry because it was only for the time being. What? Did I ever say that I wasn't keeping my job? I love bartending. I damn sure am not going to quit working and sit at home to play his little housewife if that's what this boy is thinking. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!! Its time I had a little talk with this one. He'll be home again this weekend and neither one of us should have the kids so I think we're going to have a little discussion Friday. Great! Another one that is probably getting weeded through. Ugh.

yeah, that's reallllly icky.

[sugarmoon]

Loveohm, many many hugs! You two have been through a lot together. It sounds like he is trying to step up and take responsibility for himself, and supporting him during this time sounds like the right thing to do. Just be sure you are taking care of you as well. I'm sorry about how things turned out with the agent. Just feels icky.

brittney, I hope the convo goes better than expected.

I think Butterfly's date isn't until tommorrow, so we'll have to wait until then to hear the details.

I have a lunch date tomorrow with someone from online. I'm not particularly excited about it, but maybe he'll surprise me?

:

[DanishMom]

Originally Posted by LoveOhm

While I realize people have flaws, and if I want them to accept my flaws (and I have many) then I need to accept theirs but I also wonder is this too big a flaw to accept from someone I was/am considering opening my heart and at some point down the line exposing my dd to?

Him being in rehab and addressing the problem is better than living with this problem everyday on his own right? But for me it means moving even slower in our relationship, just when we were really getting close again. I guess this at least answers some of the challenges he had in opening up... still I am a little heart broken/disappointed that is was not just immaturity that had him going out all the time.

I think it's a valid choice to be supportive and not give up on it. There may come a time when that's not the case but based on what you wrote it seems fine. I do understand your disappointment though. Take care of yourself.

[JohnnysGirl]

LoveOhm, I think it's the right thing to do to stick around since you've known each other for years and he has so far done nothing destructive in his behavior that you have mentioned knowing about, so no reason to cut ties or anything. I'm sorry that you have just found out that someone you care very much for has a pretty tough road to recovery ahead of him. That's rough for him and all of you who love him. again, hugs.

brittney, I'm not feelin' the love for this Nemo guy either after that last post! Stupid thing to deal with someone's grandmother's feelings after knowing each other for like 2 weeks. sheesh.

holly, where are you at today re: swimming guy's on again/off again pouting about your male friend staying with you? Are you guys going to move the relationship forward despite this rough patch?

My date just ended (sugar, it got moved up to today, it *WAS* supposed to be tomorrow evening but his dinner plans got cancelled so he asked me about 4 hours in advance of dinnertime, if we could move it sooner, to today, and I said sure). He is a great guy. I had a nice time. Nice dinner at a nice restaurant, everything went fine. Do you guys sense the enthusiasm here? He even walked me to my door (not door of my apartment building door of my HOME) and did everything gentlemanly. He's just not....... very deep or complex. Intelligent, bright, well spoken, sure. But intricately interesting in a quirky, not-your-average-fellow sort of way? no. I like extremely intelligent, very offbeat types, and he is very everyday plain. But he wants another date soon and he'll get one. It was a lovely evening after all. I didn't *not* enjoy it except the whole time I was wishing that I loved the sound of his Australian accent (I normally DO! what is the deal here?) or found every-little-thing-he-does-is-magic or just.... zazazoom, ya know? sigh. there's always something wrong.

sorry it wasn't what you guys wanted to hear.

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by sugarmoon

I have a lunch date tomorrow with someone from online. I'm not particularly excited about it, but maybe he'll surprise me?

:

I wanna see his online profile and pic. now.