*~*'~* October Dating Thread *~*'~* What are we looking for? *~*'~* - Page 3

[Sagesgirl]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

When are you two meeting face to face? With all those hours logged on the phone, why isn't he getting a hands-free phone device and driving to meet you for a coffee live and in person, while he entertains you with his conversation? How far apart are you two?

We are about 4 hours apart. Which isn't a whole lot, but neither he nor I wants him to put in 8 hours' worth of driving for the two-day visit he'd be able to manage before he can take vacation. Too, money *is* an issue.

Originally Posted by muse

..sang to me down the phone. he has an amazing voice. AND what was the first song he sang? only the song i sing almost every night to my kids, and which i was working on learning on guitar: somewhere over the rainbow..it's getting freaky!!

I love the singing. TG sings to me almost every night. We have a joke that he picks the most inappropriate stuff possible--the first thing he ever sang to me was "Folsom Prison Blues"!--but it's a matter of sharing the music we both love. You have to adore a man with music in his heart!

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

The best thing for you to do is to post that stunning/adorable photo of yourself that I see everyday elsewhere online onto an online profile and get yourself some new prospects to meet for some quickie coffees and see if anything really mutual sparks up. That'll get your mind off of MMM right quick. Speed-date style, set up a few different coffee meetings in thirty minute intervals on one extended lunch hour someday soon, and see which one you'd like to see again. Just an idea. : I like the idea of some more prospects/news from you, you lovely lady you. You deserve to be smilin', not frownin.'

I will echo this!

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

In fact, I think many of us are coming out of imbalanced relationships where we weren't appreciated for all of our wonderful qualities, and now just sort of listing that we'd like to be in an EQUAL relationship where a theoretical partner would be able to hold up his side of things in a mutually appreciative manner.

This is very true. With my ex-husband, I gave and gave and gave and he took and took and took...and then when I had no more to give, he left me and claimed I'd given nothing. I am NOT going down that road again.

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

I hear alot of you all saying that you're too busy to even have time for a perfect partner if they were to come along.

Is this how everyone feels? That a perfect partner would take time away from other endevours and require additional energy or energy re-directed?

It is my position on this, as on other things, that if it is important to you, you will find the time. Quite honestly, finding someone is not of primary importance in my life--this is possibly why I am so content to wait for Texas Gentleman. But if I really, really wanted to find a guy, I'd sit down and carve out the time in my schedule, just like I carve out the time in my schedule to read and to go to the gym. It's all a matter of priorities. Heck, I'm cutting down on sleep to spend time on the phone with TG. But talking to him is more important, so I do not mind it at all.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

I hear alot of you all saying that you're too busy to even have time for a perfect partner if they were to come along.

Is this how everyone feels? That a perfect partner would take time away from other endevours and require additional energy or energy re-directed?

I want a partnership where I feel like he breathes energy into me just from knowing him. He inspires me to achieve my goals and I find it is easier to get things done and go-go-go with him in my life cheering me on and there to celebrate at every accomplishment, than I would feel without him. That I sleep/rest better in his arms and feel more powerful the next day because I have him on my team, and him to come home to. (this would be true even if we didn't live together, but referring to evenings/nights that we would be spending next to one another, unwinding with each other).

: thoughts? :
:

Whenever I have said, in the past, that I don't have time or energy to date, it is typically because I am not ready to date and/or am feeling very negative or unsure about the whole dating experience... mostly after a disappointing date or a potential who turns out to not be so potential (or worse... they just aren't too into me).

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

Those of you with boyfriends/partners..... do you feel you had an empty space in your life and excess energy and that's why you noticed/were able to pursue things with this guy? Or do you feel like you connected and teamed up regardless of how busy/stressed/exhausted one or both of you were, and that the relationship doesn't take away from the rest of your pursuits?

Is there such a thing as excess energy and empty space in the life of a single mama???

As someone with a bf/partner, I made the time because I wanted to be with him. I was creative with my time and resources. If you are truly "into the guy," you will find the time and resources. But, he was also very flexible and had NO problem with more unconventional types of dates and time together.

[Kino]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

I definitely haven't listed anything on here that I am also not already able to bring to the table.

In fact, I think many of us are coming out of imbalanced relationships where we weren't appreciated for all of our wonderful qualities, and now just sort of listing that we'd like to be in an EQUAL relationship where a theoretical partner would be able to hold up his side of things in a mutually appreciative manner.

I know I'm not the only one on this thread that looks back and sees that they were totally taken advantage of in the past. Fell for someone and just did everything for that person, were willing to move the earth/sun whilst not getting lazy or becoming a boring dud themselves, and had a man in their life who just soaked that up and enjoyed it and never reciprocated, or at least not even close to equally. Great moms tend to be givers/nurturers in general to those they love, and I know I certainly gave gave gave in my marriage and never saw that kind of generosity or romance in return.

Now I've been stating and will continue to state that I just want someone who can offer almost everything that I know I'm able to offer. As a potential partner to someone, I'm already there. Just need a guy to be worthy of me.

I love this. Mostly all I hear (from married women commenting on divorce) is how I need to learn to satisfy myself... or if I had been fulfilled on my own I wouldn't have felt the need to divorce my ex... things along those lines.

WTH!? I am (and was) a fulfilled, happy, beautiful person. That's one of the reasons I knew it wasn't going to work out. I had the dignity for the divorce and not to wallow in misery loathing my life with a wrong-for-me-husband. Ex was a learning lesson I suppose. I don't know.

[JohnnysGirl]

Definitely! "Be the change you want to see in the world" and "Lead by Example" and "Like Attracts Like" and so many other cliches. They are wise, and true.




Cad was asking me in chat to go away for a weekend to Rome or somewhere. I mentioned I couldn't afford travel and he wants to pay for the tickets if I find us a place to stay (I know lots of people all over Europe through the Couchsurfing Project) and I told him that staying with Couchsurfers isn't something I could do as a two-some, sorry... and he seemed eager to find cheap hotels then.... and it's just too much. overwhelming me. Then he asked, "Do you have financial problems?" and I was like, "Yeah, of course, I need my job to start working so I have an income--things are tight in the meantime." and he said he'd help me, that we need to sell my car, and I agreed that I did need to sell it since I didn't need it and then he had a Eureka! moment and said he knew what my main problem is: my apartment. My "way too big apartment".

Gee, thanks. I'm so glad you are here, Captain Obvious, to let me know that I have a spacious apartment and that it costs me rent money every month. I hadn't quite figured that out and needed you to do the math for me that no salary + nice apartment = financial pressure. Thanks for that pearl of brilliance and wisdom.

As if.... after a year of living here, I hadn't quite realized that it isn't free and that money needs to come from somewhere.

I just wanted to tell him that I can't afford to weekend in Rome right now. Not get him to pass judgment on whether or not I should live at this address. He's known me 4 days. Butt out.....

[josybear]

re: butterfly's 2nd question

i spend 50-80 hours a week on schoolwork, 8-16 hrs a week at work, have my kids 70%+ of the time, and still need to shower, eat, do laundry, all that. plus if i don't do yoga or other meditative activities at least every few days i start feeling like i'm having a breakdown. if there were a person who wanted to spend time with me i'd be sunk. seriously, when would that ever happen? he could come over to wash the dishes and do the laundry while i studied, and i'd give him a quick hug as he left, but wouldn't have time to talk to him, let alone anything else. so i really don't see how i could do a relationship right now. i could use a nanny, housekeeper and chef right now, though. also a sugar daddy....

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by Kino

WTH!? I am (and was) a fulfilled, happy, beautiful person. That's one of the reasons I knew it wasn't going to work out. I had the dignity for the divorce and not to wallow in misery loathing my life with a wrong-for-me-husband. .

: :

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by josybear

he could come over to wash the dishes and do the laundry while i studied, ....

Why not skip the laundry/dishes (they're getting done some other way anyway) and he snuggles up next to you and reads a book of his own, and rubs your shoulder or feet. Spend the night and you decompress after a hurried day by having chatter and giggles in bed while rubbing feet together and snuggling and you find yourself able to drift easier and into a better state of sleep with his scent in your nose.... Or he cooks a meal for you (or you plus kids) while you're studying or brings take-out over to you guys....? Despite your schedule couldn't you conceive of any arrangement where a great person would actually add something TO your life rather than just distract you from your go-go-go life? Once in awhile you manage to find the time to hang out and pay focused attention to one another just going for a walk/talking. Maybe you need yoga less often with this kind of friendship on the back-burner in your life...?

Just wondering, truly. :

[JohnnysGirl]

Originally Posted by Sagesgirl

We are about 4 hours apart. Which isn't a whole lot, but neither he nor I wants him to put in 8 hours' worth of driving for the two-day visit he'd be able to manage before he can take vacation. Too, money *is* an issue.

Two days would be an eye-opening experience after dozens/tens of hours on the phone/chatting. You say you "belong to him" or "are his" (can't remember which). Don't you think you two need to meet face to face? Like.... asap?

Just my own POV. I've been burned before by IRL meetings totally not being the amazing thing I had built up in my mind about a person I met online and now I'm sooooo not willing to clock serious time/energy/enthusiasm about someone until we have met live and clicked face to face. I'll put in up to a week of energy/interest and then if we can't meet live to see how things check out in person, then I'm out. My liking a guy as much in person after first seeing charming pictures and having charming conversations has such a low success rate/high disappointment rate in my personal experience that I just have become totally cynical about it and insist on ASAP coffees.

But that's just me. Don't mind anything I say. Back to your guys' (yours and muses' anyway) regularly scheduled crush-from-a-distance-a-thon. I totally do not mind hearing about it or have any issues with it!

[JohnnysGirl]

Does anyone else get the feeling that I'm totally being the nosey, irritating 'Oprah' on this thread? It just suddenly hit me and I'm giggling. Sorry to run this thread like my own personal talk show if that's what I'm doing! Shall November be "The Dating Show" with host Butterflymom?

I'm being so silly. Lucky for ya'll it's 1am over here and I'm snuggling up now between the boys and going to sleep, sniffing them.....now. Good night!

[Rosehip]

This thread moves SO fast! I can't keep up, but I'm going to try to reply to as many as I can!

Muse - You've got a connection! I say enjoy it and see where it goes. As for feeling sexy - I hear you. After pulling myself out of the year of the divorce, I'm really working on freshening myself up. As a student (sitting in SEVEN hour lectures), I'm having a really hard time working out. But I walk as much as I can, and watch what I eat. I'm also slowly trying to freshen up my wardrobe, and dumping the ratty old t-shirts. Even though it's really easy to look like a slob, I try to dress nicely! At the minimum - attractive jeans, reasonable shoes, and a fitted tee. I also put on at least lipstick & mascara everyday. And, I'm really, really trying to do my hair regularly. I hate, I mean DESPISE blowdrying my hair. But I know that it looks good (it's one of my nicer features) when I do, and it just doesn't look that great with it's natural frizzy curl.

Butterfly - I'd say run from CAD. His intensity & clingyness screams "I can't have a sort of healthy relationship." Oh, and you can totally be my own personal Oprah. I've been realizing lately that I have SO many wonderful people in my life - family & friends - and have started to take them up on the support, advice, and laughs that they have to offer!

Holland - I think you're absolutely right & I've spent almost two years getting to that place! Dating has always been nerve-wracking for me. I realize that in the past, I've settled with whomever pursued me. It was easier than the anxiety of dating, and I think that had a lot to do with my own immaturity & insecurity. I think (and hope) I've really turned a corner on that one!

My (lame-o) update: I've been trying the online dating thing. I've gotten several "smiles" or messages from guys who were just not on for me. But two prospects seemed promising. I was supposed to have a coffee date with one, but he had to reschedule, and the day he suggested didn't work b/c of childcare. I told him that & haven't heard from him again. Maybe it was a turn off. Oh well, that's me & that's my life! The other seems interesting. He just returned from abroad (his X-wife & children live in his country of birth - they returned there after the divorce. He goes monthly to see the kids) and we talked today. We're having time scheduling a date. I couldn't do this weekend, and he can't do next - he's traveling again. I'm going to ask my Dad if he can watch the kids & try for Thursday night. We'll see. I have to say, we've talked not very much, but thus far I get a positive vibe - he's straightforward, mature, not nervous, and, hey - the accent is kind of sexy

[Sagesgirl]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

Two days would be an eye-opening experience after dozens/tens of hours on the phone/chatting. You say you "belong to him" or "are his" (can't remember which). Don't you think you two need to meet face to face? Like.... asap?

No. I don't. What's the worst that could happen? We don't click in person like we do in every other way, and it ends. That simple. I am okay with that. Much as I adore the man and am happy to be his girl...it's too early for any promises, and we both realize that.

I think part of this does go back to the fact that dating and partnering with someone aren't at the top of my list of priorities right now. WD was the only real effort I made at online dating through an actual dating site. TG kind of fell into my lap. I wasn't looking for him. If it doesn't work out, I'll go back into my old routine and be perfectly content.

[JohnnysGirl]

So...

Dag nabbit. I have been in bed for two hours but no sleep, just incessant text msgs from cad who sensed my irritation and when I tried to explain the inappropriateness of criticizing my finances after four days he started up with the 'i ruined it now just like i always ruin everything' routine which then led to melodrama of 'i'll never bother you again' and then to 'i think the world would be better off without me so i think i'll do what my cousin did. I carried him to the grave.' i am typing on my phone so no emoticons but holy crap. Holy crap. I now have told him i do care and think he has a lot going for him (great career, he's a home dad to a great kid, lots of friends, etc) and i do offer my friendship if he'll seek help for depression. Insert jaw dropping smiley. And head shaking smileys.

[Sagesgirl]

Originally Posted by Butterflymom

Dag nabbit. I have been in bed for two hours but no sleep, just incessant text msgs from cad who sensed my irritation and when I tried to explain the inappropriateness of criticizing my finances after four days he started up with the 'i ruined it now just like i always ruin everything' routine which then led to melodrama of 'i'll never bother you again' and then to 'i think the world would be better off without me so i think i'll do what my cousin did. I carried him to the grave.' i am typing on my phone so no emoticons but holy crap. Holy crap. I now have told him i do care and think he has a lot going for him (great career, he's a home dad to a great kid, lots of friends, etc) and i do offer my friendship if he'll seek help for depression. Insert jaw dropping smiley. And head shaking smileys.

Darling...

RUN!

You so do not need his brand of crazy in your life.

[ferra]

Yes, this guy sounds like a tool. Run. There are many more out there.

[MsChatsAlot]

There were many times, over the past years where I really knew I was much too busy to date. I knew I was already stretched as much as I could be and to have added someone else to the mix would have been disaster. I think it's important to really know ourselves and know where we're at when it comes to these things.

Relationships are work. Even now, when I have time and energy to commit, I'm finding that my relationship adds to my life in so many ways, but it also requires time and energy on my part too. And as a busy single mom, is sometimes easier said than done. I have an amazing relationship right now and I love every minute of it...but I am also understanding why my married friends say it's so hard to juggle their lives and have time alone, time with their partner, time as a family, time alone with kids, etc. It takes work and time and energy to find the balance and add more to the mix.

As for the online dating...I know a lot of people feel the 'let's meet right away' is the best and there is a reason it works so well. I was the anomaly and spent time really getting to know the person first in emails and over the phone before meeting face to face and that approach worked well for me. I had such a good sense of the person before we met, that I knew we'd get along and the few times I did that (including this last time when I met my current boyfriend) it was amazing! I don't think either way is right or wrong...just what works best for us and our current situations.

Have fun dating, everyone.

[ForViolet]

Originally Posted by Oh the Irony

I don't want to remarry. Or even particularly live with someone so that limits things a bit. A long term committed relationship with separate residences sounds ideal.

I am right there with you! I will never say never, but living with another man is not in my plan.

[ForViolet]

Originally Posted by Sagesgirl

Darling...

RUN!

You so do not need his brand of crazy in your life.

YEah, that in a BIG way!!! RUN!!

[ForViolet]

Originally Posted by Holland73

My 6 years of single mamahood and dating lead me to a HUGE epiphany about this question.

I started out with similar lists... all with some variation that has been listed so far. BUT, it just never worked for me. Mainly, because I was comparing a human (in imperfect, flawed being) with an idealized list that was impossible for anyone to fill.

That is when I had my epiphany: I realized that I (me, myself and I) needed to become the person that I wanted to be with as a life partner.

If I wanted someone who was responsible in all aspects of their life... then I needed to be responsible for all aspects of my life.

If I wanted someone who knows how to communicate openly, honestly and respectfully... then I needed to be able to do that.

If I wanted someone to accept and love all of my flaws and foibles... then I needed to be able to accept NOT only my own flaws and foibles, but also those of others.

If I wanted someone that was physically fit/active and dressed nicely, then I needed to also be physically fit/active and dress nicely.

Etc, etc.

So many times I found that I expected more from the men I was dating, then I expected from myself. I expected them to be these idealized, flawless individuals.

Once I let that go and really began to work on becoming the person I would want to spend my life with... that person entered my life. And, we both continue to push each other to become the people we want to be... we just do it together now.

I love this! Thanks for posting your experience!

[ForViolet]

Well, I am starting to realize, now that I am not ovulating, I am not sure I want to meet up with my former boyfriend. Gee, I wonder what that can be about? Someone suggested to me just to go spend some time with him, to "meet" him again. I think it is a good idea. We have been friends for a long time (though hadn't talked with him during the entire time I was married). We will see...

[Bad Mama Jama]

I would like a partner. One who is funnny and thinks I am funny (as I love to joke). I need someone who understands the value of raising children and will be there for the entire ride (not just the fun parts). I need someone who respects me and respects himself.

I need a smart man, one who can hold conversations with me and isn't fearful of my intellect and drive. He has to be as passionate about me as I am about him. I want someone who knows how to be a husband. I am not going to settle. I will die old and alone before I settle.