It's been a few months since I checked in with you ladies so I figured I'd drop in and say hello. Glad to see all of the old faces, and welcome to the new ones!
What are you looking for?
Hmm...what am I looking for? I don't think I know the answer to that, but I certainly have not found it. The upside is that I've added to the database of what I DON'T want, and that's always a good thing. Mostly just a partner, and I'm flexible on the other details.
But in all honesty, I'm not looking anymore. It's interesting what happens when you stop. I'll explain.
Many of you are familiar with my year-plus saga with Trumpeter. That we had some weird attraction. That he was the first man I danced with after the birth of my daughter. I kept putting myself out there and nothing really came of it after our night of dancing, so I let it go, and went about doing my thing. Got really busy, doing freelance work, getting myself back into school, and generally becoming obsessed with kissing and squeezing my baby girl. Also started dancing with a few different men very casually, which did wonders for me mentally.
A few weeks ago, he contacted me out of the blue and wanted to talk. I guess our whole dynamic has shifted because for once, he was the one asking me when we could hang out, telling me how much he respects and admires me. He's dating someone but ranks me in the top 3 of people he wants to be around. Ditched the girl and told her that he wanted to spend time alone with me because he felt like I needed to talk.
Our relationship is now platonic but it's extremely intimate on other levels - we share things, deep things, and we sort of just "get" each other, and that's what I need right now. I can dance whenever I want, but emotional intimacy; that deep connection that really nurtures and sustains me, is not something that comes often or easily.
I really don't talk to Donor much except for when it involves the baby, which is just fine with me. We got really close for awhile but all that did was fuel my feelings for him, leading to deep sadness, which was making it impossible for me to move on.
Took EEW on vacation a few weeks ago; her first trip to the beach! Donor came for a night, and after we put her to bed, we left my Mom in charge and sat out on the beach, looking at the stars and talking. I was intensely satisfied to have him tell me that he's envious of my life - how I've taken to motherhood, how I'm doing all of these things to better our situation and myself as a whole, how I've been stepping out with such interesting and accomplished men. How nothing makes him happy or motivates him in his own life - that he's just "phoning it in" and the only thing that gets him out of bed is EEW.
So I consider myself pretty lucky. I have two men in my life with whom I share a deep, intense, emotional relationship without the complications of a sexual one. I have dancing partners too insignificant to mention here, that address my physical needs when they arise. I have an involved ex who will do anything he can to keep us happy and safe, within reason. I have a fantastic network of babysitters to help me out so I can still be in touch with my independent self. And I have attainable goals and the desire to achieve them.
Oh, and not to mention my ridiculously awesome, adorable little mess of a seven month old. She's pretty cool too.