Is it ever appropriate to tell DC about IF?

[5terre]

We have a 5-year-old and are currently undergoing IVF and I'm having a rough time lately. She has seen my crying more often lately, and knows that I go to the doctor's a lot in the morning before she wakes up, and also seems suspicious when DH and I have consultations with the RE where we both go (we have another one today). Clearly she knows something is up. I have been noticing behavior changes, and most notably, sleep issues. I am careful not to discuss things in front of her (well, not entirely, she probably thinks that I don't have enough eggs to cook with... but she probably knows more than I realize, maybe she already knows) and she never saw syringes or injections, and I never told her I was taking any medication. I am worried that she thinks I am sick or in trouble. Has anyone ever told their young children about IF while going through it? I was toying with the idea of telling her the reason I am sad is because I want a brother/sister for her and I go to the doctor's a lot because they are seeing if they can help us have one. Is that wrong? But I also worry this would upset her, because she badly wants a sibling. And I also don't want her telling people about our IF (although I think this is unlikely). What have others done?

[KristinaMarie]

I don't have any words of wisdom but I couldn't read without

[FtMPapa]

I wonder if there's an age-appropriate kids books about infertility?

I think explaining it to her, answering her questions in an age-appropriate way would be absolutely fine, and in fact, desirable.

By age appropriate, I mean something like what you just said, that you need a doctor's hlep and it means a lot of appointments. She may assume that going to the doctor is a bad thing, so maybe reassure her that it's friendly and nothing hurts. If you think she's worried about it still, you could consider bringing her along to an appointment where you know you won't be getting bad news, i.e. a cycle monitoring visit or just to pick up meds or something.

[JenBuckyfan]

I haven't faced your situtation (yet anyways), but I definitely think it's ok to tell your dc about what you're going through. Being that she's 5, I wouldn't assume she'll keep your IF issues to herself and I don't think it'd be right to tell her she needs to keep it a secret. It sounds like she's already stressed because you are stressed.

I think telling her that you've been sad because you're wanting and working to have another baby and having some troubles. You've been seeing the doctors to see if they can help find out why you're having troubles. Some peoples' bodies are only able to have one baby and others can have lots of kids. Our bodies are a mystery that way. She doesn't need to worry about you and the best thing she can do when she's sees you sad is to not worry but give you a hug. She'll be one of the first to know if you get pregnant so you can celebrate together.

Something like that should help address the why's she'll have. I like the idea of bringing her along to an appt as well, especially if she's curious about what is happening at the doctor's.

[5terre]

Thanks for the ideas and thoughts. The RE actually asked us about this today, and pointed out that they are so egocentric at this age, she is probably not worrying about me but rather about herself, and that we should 'spoil' her a bit. I think I'm going to focus on giving her more attention for now and see how it goes. So I'm working on a plan to spoil us both at the same time (tonight we played 'spa', maybe we will go to a real one, or out to lunch, etc). I don't feel comfortable bringing her to appointments, isn't that sort of frowned upon (there is a sign about it at my office)?

[JenBuckyfan]

Playing spa sounds like fun! She could definitely just be needing some additional attention, and you might just need a meaningful distraction from the stress of fertility issues. Some fun mother/daughter bonding is a great idea! As far as appts go, I'm not sure if it's frowned upon or not, I think it would be something that you would have to feel is right and the RE would have to feel is right - you definitely don't want to overwhelm her with something she isn't going to fully understand. If she asks why your sad then move forward with talking with her, otherwise, focus on having fun with her! You might not have a whole lot of time left before a new baby needs your love and attention!

[Kuntry_Gurl78]

I Agree!!!

I agree with all of these wonderful ideas from you all! I have an almost 10 year old DD and an 8 year old DS, and they know what is going on in my life, regarding the infertility issues and TTC. I tell them both that if I cannot ever have anymore children, that I will always be happy and blessed with the ones I have now! They still don't know about how babies are made by mom and dad, but they know that babies are angels from Heaven, gifted to us from God. They also know that I have to often visit a special doctor with their dad so that the special doctor can help us get pregnant with testing and various medications. Every mother is different and will know in her heart the best way to handle infertility issues with her children. I will be praying for you and your family!!!

God bless!
TAM

[Julia'sMom]

Well...my dd was between 1.5 and 3 years old during all of the appointments and such. I did have to take her to appointments (and tried to schedule them at less busy times so that she wouldn't be noticed by most patients). It is awkward bringing a child, since you know many of those women are still trying for a first. Different clinics have different rules about it.

DD knows far too much about stirrups and the u/s screen and such. She also knows far too much about syringes and injections. Dh was rarely around and it was just too hard for me to shake her, as she is very attached to me, when I had to do the shots. However, at her age, we didn't do a big discussion. The shots were "medicine" for mommy and sometimes she would mention the dr's visits were to look for a baby, but the comprehension wasn't quite there. Regardless, it is something she grew very comfortable with.

Good luck with the decision. Hopefully the "spoiling" will help. If not, I do think kids have a basic understanding and would like to "help" mommy feel better.

[christophersmom]

My DS was 4 and 5 when we did IVF. He definitely got something was going on and he knew the doctor was trying to help us have a baby. I think they are smart and intuitive and no matter how much you hide they know something is going on. DS loved the needles/shots and I even let him help me with the sub-q ones. He still thinks the doctors are helping us, I guess they don't have a time frame of when it should happen.
I shielded him from the pregnancies/miscarriages a lot. We actually went to Toys R Us and spoiled him the night we found out we lost another baby.