Tantrum over not reading her mind

[Bertana]

For the last few weeks, DD has been having some major tantrums over minor things. Usually its with me (Daddy is the SAH parent), she'll have a meltdown because I didn't snuggle her the right way, and now its all ruined. Or because she wanted to open the door herself, but never told me so I opened it first, so now "its no good". We're talking 1 hour of meltdown, inconsolable crying. Just because she didn't open the door first ??!! Even if I offer to close the door and let her do it, its all ruined for her. I tried explaining that I can't read her mind, she needs to tell me what she wants. She agrees with me but keeps doing this behavior.

I'm wondering if this has anything to do with her starting kinder this year (its her first schooling experience, she was 'homeschooled' for pre-school).

Its getting tough at home b/c Daddy is starting to loose his patience with these tantrums (his tolerance for tantrums is lower than mine). And he's the 'primary' parent as a SAHD, he's with her all day so his patience is worn out a bit by the time I get home from work. Lately, out of frustration, he's taken to sternly telling her to stop her crying, or threatening to take over stuff I usually do with her (like wake up from nap)... which of course makes things worse, but eventually gets her to stop crying... at least until he's out of the room, then she flings herself at me.

Any ideas on how to handle this?

[aspenleaves]

I can sympathize with your DH as the SAHP, knowing how trying it can be sometimes.... but didn't you say she just started kinder? So he is not home all day with her right? He does have some down time? This should help a lot, but if he has no down time, he needs it.

And yes, it sounds like starting kinder has triggered some emotional behavior.... it does not sound balanced to me that she is melting down for over an hour over what you mentioned. My 5 year old dd definetely does things that don't make sense - like contradict herself or tell me one thing and get mad when I do it and then say she wants something different. I think this is all normal, but a very long tantrum following sounds like she is emotionally venting from a trying day.

How long is her kinder? Does she get down time after? Has her eating schedule been completely disrupted? Is she getting outdoor time at school and home? How old is she?

For one, I would ask my dh to not use me as a threatening device - taking over your tasks like you mentioned. This is a big NO NO in my book. IN fact I would tell him to not do it again. It will backfire against him miserablly. Second, you both need to support each other. When I have to learn a new coping/discaplining skill sometimes it takes me time and several tries before I get it right. I have told my DD to 'stop crying' now over one thing or another, but the underlying issue still needs to be addressed. Your dd needs something she does not have.

Maybe she needs a little extra security and reasureance.... Can a parent visit the school during the day if it is long? Where does your dd sleep? Does she have playmates at school that she already knows? Or can she have playdates with some school friends?

I would follow her cues and reasure her not buying into the crying and the little things. Make sure she has the basics, food, rest, fresh air, sleep and redirect her when she tantrums.... maybe just tell her you understand she is upset and that it is okay to cry?????

I'll be looking to see what others say

[Bertana]

DD is 5 yrs old as of this summer, and her kinder is only for 2.5 hrs. So far she seems to really like her teacher and her schooling, she always comes home with stories of all the fun things she did in school. Her old schedule has barely been disrupted, and she takes a 2 hr nap after school (same as before).

DH does have a bit of time but usually that's spent doing house stuff so its not very relaxing.

I'll ask DH not to use me as part of his 'threats' but its hard to do unless I give him an alternative action. If my listening to DD worked, I'd have a stronger case for him to not use threats, but when I've tried to let her cry as much as she appears to need, he goes BATTY b/c it feels like it will never stop. (trying to follow the Hand in Hand approach...)

When she's in the middle of her meltdown, DD will ask me to do something to make her happy but if I try to tickle/play/ be silly with her most times it doesn't work. When I ask why she's sad, she'll just reference whatever triggered her (such as my opening the door).

Its a puzzle!!

[lisarussell]

All I can say is that when "something isn't right" even adults behave oddly.

Imagine being a little kid, having a feeling that something "just isn't right" and not being able to express it, or where to go, what to do with the feeling.

It could be a million things, life situation, impending changes, food allergy, headache, sock seam bugging her toes, anything. Some days, we're able to cope with little annoyances and some days we're not.

"Is there anything I can do to help you feel better" sometimes works, sometimes not.

Looking for the "root cause" may help, may not.

Just be open to times when the behavior happens more, try to help the child put their feelings into words. Try not to take the reactions and behavior personally. There's so much going on in that teeny little head, so much more than anyone can put into words. Imagine, only having a few thousand words at your disposal.

Just continue responding with love and be open to her questions, conversation and attempts to make sense of the world.