Resource Help

[thetnpreacherswife]

I have an almost 18 month old.
I know his behavior is completely normal and developmentally appropriate.
I am hyper sensitive to child rearing practices as I'm a social worker so I worry about how things will turn out down the line...
That being said....
I need help...I need guidance in establishing structure and expectations and responding to certain behaviors....
Can someone point me in the direction of age appropriate resources that have worked for you???
Please?

[AutumnAir]

Can you be a bit more specific in terms of what kind of resources you're looking for? Just generically I've heard lots of people like "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" though I haven't read it myself. I liked "Raising Your Spirited Child" because I have a very high needs toddler so it made a lot of sense to me and helped me realise I wasn't on my own. I also liked "How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk." DD is still too young at 21 months for most of the techniques, but I liked their approach and way of thinking about things.

If you come back with more specific queries I'm sure there are heaps of people here who can help you out with more suggestions. HTH

[thetnpreacherswife]

I'm not sure what I'm really looking for...just something. I'm feeling pretty alone right now in some of my parenting choices....DH and I are the only family I know in our church and in my work that aren't spankers.
I feel pretty strongly about that choice but I feel I lack the resources to parent in a different way (and heck, I'm sort of a professional....give me a juvenile delinquent and I'm fine...give me my 17month old and I'm clueless).
I think there are some constant comparisons and I think DH hears them often through the church, "One good spanking and that would stop" or "I'd never let mine get away with that" etc.
Most days I feel pretty patient and great but lately I'm more frustrated and feel powerless and clueless and I think I'd feel better if I, at least, could say, "Oh we're using such and such method..."
I think DH and I would both feel more confident with a roadmap or something (wouldn't we all!!!). Of course I'm probably being more verbose than normal....up since 4am with school, work, baby, church.....sigh.

[thetnpreacherswife]

no one btdt?

[AutumnAir]

Sorry I don't have any more recommendations really, as the ones I suggested above are the only ones I've read. Maybe try Dr. Sears' "The Discipline Book"? I don't know of anything that's a 'roadmap' or a specific method. But you could always just say "Well we're practising attachment parenting / gentle discipline." if you feel the need to put a label on what you're doing.

Though it might help you more to learn to 'pass the bean-dip'. As in "Thanks for your opinion - I'll give it the consideration it deserves. Pass the bean-dip please." or "Thanks for your concern. This is what works for us. Lovely weather we've been having lately." Just politely acknowledge what they're saying, let them know it's not up for discussion then change the subject. I know it can be tough when you're the only one doing things differently - I have the same problem here too.

[Wild Lupine]

Please forgive me if I am reading too much into your post, but I am wondering if you have worked with so many kids with enormous problems that you are worried about all the things that could go wrong? If you and your husband are thoughtful, loving people, who are committed to your child, chances are, he's going to be just fine no matter what you do. Because given who you are, you're not going abuse him, neglect him, subject him to the incredible inconsistencies of a household affected by addiction, or ignore the warning signs of mental health issues and fail to get timely treatment. You'll make mistakes and lose your temper, as we all do, but he'll be raised in a way that gives him the underlying self confidence and emotional well-being to withstand, and eventually have compassion for, your humanness.

Most likely, everything you are doing right now is fantastic and he is already thriving in your care.

But it can be very unnerving to have a completely different approach or philosophy than others in your spiritual and social groups. And when your child goes through a rough patch (like ages 2 - 4), it becomes easy to doubt your approach.

I recommend reading Gordon Neufelds 'Hold onto your Kids' as the best support for AP and gentle discipline practices. It doesn't have 'techniques' in it (or not many anyway), because it's not really a 'how-to' book. But it is the hands-down most thoughtful, revolutionary, well-researched parenting book I have ever read (and I've read a lot). It will give you the confidence to brush off the comments and subtle or not-so-subtle pressure from others and raise your child the way you know is best.

[LynnS6]

My favorite book for the early years is, unfortunately, out of print. However, you can probably get it through your library (ask them about interlibrary loan if they don't have it). It's called:

Parenting with Purpose by Lynda Madison.

I love it because it separates out 1s, 2s, 3s and 4s. Many discipline books just lump the 1-3 year olds together. But working with a one year old is very very different from working with a 2 1/2 year old. It talks about age-appropriate behaviors, and ways to address them (and the fact that they aren't purposefully driving you nuts!). I also like the insight that it has that all the 'techniques' in the world won't work if you don't have a consistent philosophy behind it. (It's a little more rewards oriented than I do for the older ages, but I didn't use the advice for the older ages, I used it for the 1-2 age.)

One of my other favorite parenting books, which works well for a lot of ages is:
Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen
TBH, this works better with kids who are 3 and up, but it can work with younger kids too.

Finally, you might check out the Positive Discipline series by Jane Nelsen. They are a good starting point. She's got one for the first 3 years.

I'm also in the middle of 2 books by Tim Kimmel, who wrote Grace Based Parenting, Raising Kids Who Turn out Right and a couple of other ones. They're from a distinctly religious point of view. These are more philosophical, but they might be helpful, especially when dealing with other people in your circle.

OK, I could write more, but I've got to get my kids off to Sunday School. Check out the book sticky up above. There are a lot of great books listed there.

[foreverinbluejeans]

Without Spanking or Spoiling by Elizabeth Crary shaped my mothering when it came out in 1981 and my oldest was 2. I think it is still the best toddler parenting book.

You might want to find out about LLL conferences. State conferences are cheap and some have great speakers.

[S.Lee]

someone on one of these boards suggested Crystal Lutton and Arms of Love Fellowship (AOLFF.com). She has some great info. from a biblical point of view on why she doesn't spank. I found it pretty helpful in backing up my choices. You have an awesome opportunity to influence people on child rearing, that must come with alot of pressure. Most importantly though is to keep a sense of humor and enjoy your child! There is also gentlechristianmothers.com