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Would divorce/marital issues cause this?!-Update #12 Help! - Page 2

post #21 of 24
Here are the things we know:

* DSD misses her mom on the weekends she comes over (whether with or without prompt from anyone outside).

* There is a newborn in your life, and DSD is no longer the baby in the house.

* There is stress in the household due to problems between you and her dad. Kids are very perceptive. For all you know, she could be worried about you leaving, and her facing another change. (mind you, I am not saying it's a bad idea to leave. I do believe it is very important to model healthy relationships for children).

* Kids DO view bowel movement in a different way than adults do. 5 is definitely old enough to know that you shouldn't poop in your bed, but is not nearly old enough to see it from adult perspective.

* DSD clearly struggles with something and something needs to change.

Without pointing fingers to her mom and back, I truly don't think it's SOMEONE's fault. It doesn't matter whether or not mom is blaming someone. It's not what causing the problem, and it won't fix it. It doesn't matter whether she plays by herself or not, or whether she dresses herself or not.

What matters is that she is a child being stressed over the situation and there were plently of new things happening in the past few months that would stress an adult, let alone a child (divorce? new baby? new marriage? tension in you house?). In fact, I don't think it's something someone did wrong, it just sounds like A LOT for a 5 y.o. And none of it is little!

Here is what I would do if I were in your shoes:

#1. Try to find a good therapist. At the same time, I wouldn't rely on it to solve everything.

#2. I would try to make more special time for DSD. Maybe a little more one-on-one daddy time? Either an extra night during the week, even if just to go out for ice-cream after school. OR when she comes over to your house, I'd encourage her dad to go out with dsd do something special for a couple fo hours. Something to reassure her that she is loved, that despite the tension between you and her dad, and despite the baby taking up your cuddles now, she is still loved and wanted. OR maybe even leaving the baby with dad, and going out with dsd for a special treat - just you and her.

Good luck
post #22 of 24
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
H just called DSD's Mom about what happened... he got the expected response.

She flipped on him saying she is in dibeleif because DSD doesn't act like this anywhere but out house.

She then flipped saying how we could not have known about this Sunday, don't we get her dressed so we would have seen something like that?

H told her that DSD is 5 and knows how to get dressed, and we let her go and dress herself. We don't babysit her doing this.

So he got yelled at that we do not help her get dressed... then he got yelled at that we do not watch her play and that she should always be supervised.

H told her that DSD is 5 and capable of playing with toys by herself... that she sometimes does ask to go play in her room, and when she does we let her... it's her room and her home and she can go play with her toys if she wants to. We never saw an issue with this. We are usually elated when she volunteers to go play with her toys because often she mopes around not wanting to do anything. So we certainly aren't going to tell her no, or make her feel like we can't trust her to go play.

So DSD's Mom says it's obvious that DSD's issues are coming from our house since that is the only place she is acting up and she wants us to meet somewhere neutral from now on...

H doesn't know what to do...

My therapist doesn't neccessarily agree that it has to stem from our house... she said it's possible that she feels safe enough to act out here because we will listen to the signs and try to do something about it and maybe she doesn't feel she can be herself or express herself at her Mom's house...

So... if DSD's Mom tries to stop visitation for now... what can we do? Should we? I don't think that is the best way to go... because we have no idea what is the root cause of DSD's anxiety right now...
Remember, YOU can't do anything. Don't try to give yourself responsibility that isn't yours right now. Change what you can.

Can you see her mum's pov? Your husband is her ex-husband for a reason, and the chances are that he emotionally abused her the way that he's emotionally abusing you. Your DSD may or may not be talking to her mum about what she's seeing at your home, and her daughter is, to quote your therapist, "screaming for help." In her shoes- and I was- I'd be beside myself with distress and grief because there is nobody to protect my baby.

It's down to your DH to handle the situation- let him decide how he's going to do it.
post #23 of 24

She needs counseling, ideally with all her parents involved (you, too). But you and your husband need to take her, if Mom won't. Mom is going to say this is only a problem at your house, so the problem is only with you guys. That's not true, but don't waste time trying to change Mom's opinion. It doesn't sound like she cares much what you think. Help the kid. She's stressed and feels like she doesn't have control over anything in her life. (...But she has total control over her excrement, KWIM?)
post #24 of 24
What if it really is best for her not to have as much visitation with her dad right now? It's just a thought. Just because she is feeling very stressed out at your house, doesn't necessarily mean that you are doing anything wrong! But it might be good to give her some space. From what I can see here, it doesn't necessarily seem to me that her mom is being manipulative or anything-- I think I might have reacted the same way, you know?

And didn't her dad throw something at the wall that came within like an inch of her face before? Didn't you say that her dad plays tickle games with her in which he doesn't listen when she's had enough-- he goes beyond the comfort point? We know that he often acts temperamental and self-centered. I would say, let the girl have her voice. She wants to stay with her mom, maybe do that.

Otherwise, shorter visitation in a neutral location sounds healthy, too.

Remember, when you leave your dh, you will also have to deal with visitation between him and your bio daughter. Would you really want him to be alone with her? Remember when he YELLED at her-- an infant-- because he felt stressed-out? How awful. I wouldn't want him alone with her. Changing visitation set-up with the older child might set a good precedent when it comes time to set it up with the younger child.
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