Desperate for advice on how to cope with returning to work

[JessieBird]

Hi everyone - I have never posted here before, and didn't even know this forum existed, but I'm glad to have found it now.

I need help with my transition back to work. I am crying all the time now, can't stop thinking about all I am going to miss, and I think I am headed for a serious break down about it. Actually, I think I'm in full break down right now.

DS is 10 months old and I am due back at work in 6 weeks. I am in Canada so have had almost a whole year off, fully paid. I love my job and I have found a wonderful childcare solution. Given all this, I know that I am WAY more fortunate than most. Still, I am devastated.

Leaving my son is all I can think about. I am completely unable to "live in the moment" anymore. Every little smile or giggle or new accomplishment, things that should make me burst with happiness, only send me to tears because they just make me think of all that I will be missing soon. I am not at all worried about DS's care while I am out of the house, this is really a selfish kind of pain. It is all about the fact that I simply do not want to be away from my son. I just feel so profoundly sad. It actually feels like someone has told me that he only has a few weeks left to live (my sincere apologies to anyone who has been through that, of course I don't know what it actually feels like). I feel like my world is coming to an end, no matter how I try to talk logically to myself or think of all the wonderful evenings and weekends we will still have.

I knew before I got pregnant that this day would come but I had no idea it would be so hard.

I am able to talk to DH a bit about what I'm going through (I tried to hide it but can't anymore) but it is difficult because he would really like for me to be able to stay home and he feels like a failure for not being a better "provider." I don't blame him at all, that doesn't even cross my mind or factor into it so I'm trying to put on a happy face when he's around.

I would love to hear any advice you have - both about how to make going back to work easier, and also about how to enjoy our remaining six weeks without wallowing in misery as I am now.

Sorry to make my first post here so sucky. I hope to be able to provide friendship to all of you once I am back on my feet. Thanks for reading.

[tessie]

It is tough to leave them but it will get easier, I promise. I went back to work full-time when she was about 8 and a half months and I cried the first time I left her for a trial session. I do feel guilty sometimes but she loves nursery (although she's always delighted to see me when I collect her) and she's come on in leaps and bounds since going. However I've been so busy lately I've had days where I've barely thought about her.

The first thing is to ensure you start the settling in process now, if you haven't already done so. The good news is that babies settle faster than older kids.

Is there any chance you could do flexible working? Maybe do some work at home in the evenings so you can have a few hours off during the day?

Maybe you could plan something to do each day for the next six weeks? Keep yourself busy and do the things you wouldn't be able to do when you're back at work. And give yourself a break - you're doing everything you can to give your baby the best possible life.

[annekevdbroek]

I just started back to work this week - I've been home for 6 years with the kids. I think it is hard to leave our kids, no matter what age. I spent Tuesday with my eyes welling up repeatedly during the day. The rest of the week actually got easier. I just wanted to offer support, even though I don't have any useful advice as of yet because I am not quite BTDT.

[~pi]

It's so hard when you know, intellectually, that you have a good situation, and yet you don't feel like that. My BTDT advice:

1. Give yourself permission to feel badly about it some of the time. It's OK to grieve a "good" bad situation.

2. You will probably make your life easier, though, if you define times for grieving, and spend the rest of your time enjoying the remaining six weeks as much as you can.

3. If you can, focus on some short, medium and long-term thoughts, e.g., short: it won't be long until holiday break (given the 'fully paid' bit, I'm guessing you work for govt and get a decent break?); medium: when your babe is three and four, he will be having such a great time at child care; long: you will be able to afford to give him a good start, perhaps contribute to university, etc.

4. If you can find the time, prep some freezer meals for your first few months back. It will make it easier to focus on spending time with your DS after daycare if you don't have to worry about getting dinner ready.

5. Are you nursing and/or co-sleeping? If yes, keep on. I found those very helpful for maintaining the connection between me and DS.

6. Most important: Remember that children are resilient, and the bond between a loving mama and child is incredibly strong. Even though you won't be spending nearly every moment with your DS, he will still know that you love him fiercely.

FWIW, I went back at six months, but DH took leave then. I worked from home a lot and DH brought DS to me for visits during the day when I couldn't work at home. So I didn't have to deal with the full reality of being back until a year when DS went to child care.

It was rough, especially the first few months. He did not enjoy the transition, and as a result, neither did I. However, he did adapt and did great eventually.

He is now three and *adores* his garderie friends.

Hang in there.

[AnnaNova]

it has been 4 mo that i have returned to work (when my son was 4 mo), and i still feel sad at times. espeicially when he does something special and im not there to witness it. what makes it easier for me is knowing that if i were a stay at home mom, there wouldnt be a home to stay at...
we cosleep and bfeed when im home;
i call home numerous time during the day to see how he is doing, it helps me to stay more connected to his daily activities;
i take him everywhere with me on days off and evenings...
these things are kinda general knowledge but it really doe help me stay closer to him. i take every opportunity to not work over time, i let my management know that i dont really need any, and will be happy to give it up for someone who really needs or wants it, and they are fine with it, some days they will let me go home early if we've accomplished what was planned.
i dont really have a 'fix-it' advice for you, i find myself very sad some days when im not with my son, and i just try to focus on all the blessings in my life:
i have a happy healthy child, a loving husband, a home, a job that pays relatively well, my son's other caregivers a loving and nurturing (and free) and so on...
would i rather stay home and struggle financially and worry every day about being able to afford food? no. would i rather stay at home with a child that is sick than being at work away from a child that is healthy? no. would i rather my husband worked 4 jobs and i never saw him but stayed at home? no... would you?

[DangerMom]

JessieBird, it is so difficult. I'm sorry you aren't able to enjoy your time now.

I went back to work after eight weeks, and I was ready. Or thought I was. I was ready to get out of the house and back into a daily groove with adults; I wasn't ready to be away from my little stinker.

I won't lie -- there were times when it sucked so hard, and I would want to cry while I was at work. People kept saying it gets easier, and I didn't believe them. How would I ever stop missing him so much? But you know what? It [I]did[I] get easier. It really did. I still have moments when I resent having to be at work and away from him, but for the most part, it is okay, and I even end up having fun at work.

Things that help me:
- We cosleep, so I get to "stock up" on snuggles all night long.
- I pump at work, which is kind of a hassle but it does give me a few times a day that I get to take time out to do something just for my baby.
- I call home at lunchtime to talk about him and how his day is going.
- He's my wallpaper picture on my computer and cell phone, and I look at those pictures frequently.
- There is a group of moms at work with children about six months older than my son, and we regularly swap stories about our kids. It helps to share about my son to others.
- Finally, my biggie is I was able to drop down to a 32 hour week, which means I take Fridays off to get an extra day with him. It has made all the difference in the world. It's been an adjustment (cut in pay), but for me it has been worth it. I know not everyone has that option, but if it is something you are interested in pursuing, don't be afraid to try to think of ways to make a flex schedule work.

Hope that helps. I know it's hard, JessieBird.

[Girlprof]

This IS really hard. I've got two and both started daycare when they were around 8-10 months old. I spent the whole last two months home with my son worrying about how things would be when I started back to work. It is definitely NOT like having a child die, but on the other hand - I know exactly what you mean by that. I felt like "someone" was going to take him away from me and I would never get him back.

I wish someone had told me that the run-up to going back to work would be so much worse than actually going back. Right now you have your beautiful son and your imagination about the future. When you are actually back at work, you will also have real stuff from work. You say you love your job - there are going to be things you really love about going back to your job, but you will not be that likely to feel them right now. Once you get there, that good job stuff will be waiting for you. It really is so much easier once you are doing it.

I also wanted to add that you don't have to see this as a forever decision. I'm very committed to my career and never seriously considered staying home. But this is life, and if it turns out that you would rather be home, you have some time to think about how to make that happen. I have a friend who quit her job after a few months back. It just wasn't the right thing for her. My SIL quit her job and then a year or so later realized that quitting was a mistake and she went back to work. To me, returning to work felt so absolutely *final* before I went back. Since going back, we've made numerous adjustments to the kids' hours, sometimes had grandma watch them, I had a second parental leave, etc. Life is more flexible than it feels right now.

That idea about marking off some time to grieve is a really good one. If you need an hour a day to feel sad about this - take it. Put on the saddest music, get out the kleenex and have a huge cry-fest. Then put all that stuff away, go outside and enjoy your beautiful baby. This segmenting approach might feel weird at first, but it has worked well for me with other issues.

Hugs. I know it's hard. Listen to the overwhelming response here. It gets a lot easier.

[JessieBird]

Thank you all so much for your wonderful and thoughtful replies. The last ten days have been some of the lowest of my life (secretly I hoped it was PMS and 1st PPAF on the way, TTC so I could get more mat leave would be a nice distraction! though not really best for our family now) but I'm feeling better now. You guys have some wonderful advice and I'm putting it in practice:

- I am reserving time to have an all-out bawl-fest closer to the date of my return. In the mean time, I'm choosing to be in denial and doing things to slow our days together down such as just staying home and not racing around to play dates and shopping as we usually do.
- I'm also telling myself that my return to work is just a six-week trial and that if I can't do it, we'll just have to manage. Deep down inside, I'm pretty sure that I'll be able to sign up for another six weeks after the first is over.
- And I went in to work for a meeting with my director and it wasn't that bad. I told her that I would have to go see my son at lunch time for a few weeks, that I just have to. It will mean full hour lunches but I'll work by blackberry in the evenings to make up for it if I have to. This means only 4-5 hours away from DS at a time.
- I'm trying to see the positive: $ for DS's education fund and a back-to-work clothes shopping spree for me!

I've been reading a lot of threads on this forum and that has also helped a lot. I can really relate to a lot of people here. Thank you and best wishes to everyone going through the same thing!!

jess

[DangerMom]

I'm glad things here have helped a little. Will you keep us posted on how you're feeling?

[madskye]

Glad you are feeling a little better.

Just take it one day at a time. I went back after 10 weeks of leave, and told myself I would see how it went. It went great! I was able to work full time til DD was two. (Then our situation changed and now I work from home, which is also great.)

You might be surprised at how much you enjoy being back at work. Not sure what your childcare situation is, but my DD really loved her daycare--from a very tiny age she obviously had friendships and relationships with the other kids and caregivers. She thrived and that made it easier on me.

Just one day at a time and like you say--if it doesn't work out then you and your DH can talk about some drastic changes. Or you can come up with a plan to make changes. It's not all or nothing if you are unhappy.

[zuzunel09]

Glad I found this thread, it's what I was looking for. I have a 2 month old and I'm dreading going back to work, too. I do the very same thing; when he smiles or does something new I feel so sad that when I find a job I will miss so many of these things. I cry at night when my husband leaves for work...we've had numerous conversations about how I have to go back for financial reasons (although we've been surviving on just my husband's salary adequately) and also because he thinks his own mother was "lazy" for staying home with her sons. It's pretty much like talking to a brick wall, although if pressed he will tell me to stay home if I really want to, although what I think he means is "stay home if you're determined to be selfish".

I know I can take the best care of my son, but extra money seems to be more important. I'm trying to cope but am having a hard time emotionally. Not to mention that when I have an interview, I'm totally fake because I really DON'T want the job.