Sharing/turn taking in community places - Page 2

[beanma]

I don't think the dollhouse is analogous to the sharing a coffee shop table. I think it's much more analogous to browsing a magazine rack with a stranger as a PP mentioned. The magazine rack is there for everyone and so is the dollhouse. The expectation is that each table in a coffee house is for use by one set of customers.

You might compare it to a bench at a bus stop. There's only one bench. Is it not for anyone to use and the expectation is that people will share? Would it be okay if one person used the bench and told everyone else that they couldn't sit there? I think that would be really rude and the little girl at the dollhouse (which was meant for more than one person in the first place and it was located in the public place) was being rude, too, if she said other kids couldn't play, too. Same as if somebody wouldn't share the bench at the bus stop.

Now, mind you, my kids tend to be more solitary and shy and would be unlikely to go up to an already occupied dollhouse just like I would be unlikely to go up to an already occupied bus stop bench, but the expectation is certainly there that I could, and my kids could if we wanted to.

There's not more than one dollhouse. With the tables at the coffee shop there are many. If they were all occupied by one or more people and it was cold outside or rainy I would expect that some people would share with strangers. If there were many dollhouses and others were unoccupied then it would be reasonable for the little girl to ask to play alone (in a NICE way).

Swings, usually there are several. If there was only one and/or many people were waiting I would encourage my kids to get down and have done so many times. They will swing forever.

Museum exhibit, I would encourage moving on to the next thing after a bit. I get bored at the same exhibits and one or the other of my kids usually gets bored, too. If I saw a line, again, I would encourage them to finish up.

My kids are shy(ish), fairly introverted, and dd1, especially, can be very s...l...o...w... I feel like I'm in these kinds of situations all the time. If my kid was the one in the dollhouse you can bet I'd be telling her that "this dollhouse is here for everyone".

I don't know what the reference to "no forced sharing at home" is, but I definitely do ...um... strongly encourage... sharing unless it's a very special item. Typically this is between siblings rather than when a friend is over. Often big sis says she'll let little sis have a turn, but doesn't do it very soon. I don't call her out on it, but I ask them if they can work it out between the two of them or if they need my help. They almost always can work it out themselves.

[EviesMom]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

I think this comes down to whether or not you consider a dollhouse to be a reasonable lone activity... or maybe a debate about whether all activities MUST accommodate the maximum number of children irregardless of how the participating children feel about that.

Some public items are obviously intended for a large number of kids... like a play structure with a 20 or 40 child capacity. Some items are only usable by one person at a time... like the bike you pedal at the science centre to make a light bulb come on. And some fall in between. In my mind, I can understand why a child might want to use a dollhouse alone. Even a large dollhouse requires two children who don't know each other to play in confined space.

Really, what's wrong with asking the child who is playing if you may join them, and if they say no, suggesting that they finish up soon so somebody else may have a turn? What's wrong with giving a kid two minutes to finish up what they're doing and gently reminding that others are waiting? Or what's wrong with visiting the exhibit next to the dollhouse while you wait for it to open up, or for it to be visited by a child who is more open to sharing?

I agree that it isn't necessarily reasonable to draw the adult child comparisons in all situations. I only continued with that line of reasoning because EviesMom brought it coffee shops and things.

I do however, think it's interesting that people often expect children to share space and materials to a degree that few adults would expect or demand of each other. Even if a barista wouldn't come out from behind the counter and force a single person to share a two person table, the patrons don't expect it either. We respect that two strangers may not want to sit together and chat, but don't respect that two children unknown to each other may not wish to play an imaginative game together.

Actually, I have, more than once, had people seat themselves at my table at a Starbucks. All three times, it's been people speaking a language I didn't recognize and I don't think it's always been the same other language (ie-not English, French, or Spanish, not that I'm fluent in all, but I recognize enough of each to know that's likely what's being spoken.) I live in a heavily touristed area, so I presume it's a cultural thing from more than one other country. I know that might happen there, so I try for a small table and don't leave extra space on the tabletop or empty chairs around the table at that particular shop. And I know that it might happen, which also goes a long way with handling it before it happens.

I don't mean at a museum or at a coffee shop that an adult or a child should be forced to share the space by someone with more authority. And yes, it's nice not to have to worry about others joining in (I go to a different coffee shop usually now partially to avoid that occurence). Just that I don't think one can realistically *expect* the privacy or for others to ask as you might want them to before joining. I think you can reasonably decide not to talk to them though. Because that's your own behavior and not someone else's.

That's what I hope to help DD deal with in terms of shyness. If it means she doesn't play doll house/something more intimate in a museum (and she does gravitate away from the toy kitchen/house when there are other kids there), and opts for other activities, that's fine. If it means she leaves and finds other things to do when other kids come in, that's okay with me too. Or plays with the toy but not with the other child, also fine. If it means she learns to speak up politely and tell people when something truly isn't okay with her (she told the teacher the water was too deep for her at swim class this week, nicely but firmly, and they moved to another area bc she's the shortest in the class), that's fabulous. I just don't want her to be sad and sullen but not say anything to anyone about it, nor to demand that I or another adult fix it all to her liking.

If she were playing with a dollhouse in a children's museum, and another child wanted to play but she said no, I would honestly tell her that it's for everyone to use, and she can play with part while the other child plays with part; or move her doll story to another location; or move on to something else entirely. That's my personal take on it.