Hi! I wanted to chime in to offer support . . . I am no longer a solo momma, but I was for 12 years (I tied the knot 2 years ago). It has been a rough ride at times, but so rewarding! I had my daughter when I was 19 and worked hard to raise her alone. She has never met her "father" (I haven't spoken to him since I was 3 mos pregnant). I have never received child support, but was blessed with wonderful parents (and friends) who could not support us financially, but provided us both with emotional support. I admire each and every one of you for going solo - you're children are so very lucky to have such amazing mothers!
How are you?
Things have been better, and they have been worse . . . I am newly wed, with a teenager, a toddler and an infant and after years of being solely self-supporting, I am now a SAHM struggling to survive on an income 1/3 of what I had become accustomed to (plus 3 additional loved ones to support).
How do you get by?
I read a lot. :-D I focus on the good things and on making decisions I know will be beneficial in the present, but also rewarding in the future.
How did I get by (when I was solo)?
I read a lot. (hahah) j/k
I worked a lot. I held multiple jobs when DD was a baby. We moved out for a year and then back in with my dad, the back out again, and then in with my grandmother, and then, finally out on our own. I never gave up and kept moving forward in my career pursuit and eventually, it paid off.
What do you did I like about being solo?
Being able to make parenting decisions without having to compromise or explain/justify my reasons. (DH and I are on the same page re: the majority of parenting decisions which is wonderful.)
I enjoyed not having to "share" my time with multiple loved ones. I could focus fully on my daughter without anyone feeling jealous or put-off. (This is something I hadn't been prepared for when I finally allowed myself to enjoy a romantic relationship.)
I enjoy the pride I feel when my daughter makes well-informed and confident decisions and how great it feels when teachers and other parents ask me what I did to raise such a wonderful kid (maybe teachers tell that to all parents - hahah - but I like to be they are genuine). Its the biggest confidence boost there is!
I enjoyed being able to parent with a clear head without worrying about a lot of the nonsense that comes with dating/exes/etc. I see many of my friends who struggle with such issues and it takes up so much of their time and exhausts them. I am thankful I never had to deal with that kind of crap.
I could go on and on, there were many many things that I enjoyed about being solo.
Do you date?
I did, occasionally - but never seriously after my DD was 2yo. When I did date, it was casual and they were never involved in her life - many I dated, she never met or if she did they were simply friends. I intentionally chose not to date for a long time. I, personally, didn't have the ability to handle a committed relationship on top of all of the responsibility that comes with solo-parenting. When my DD turned 11, I reunited with an old acquaintance (who I had had a crush on for close to 15 years, but was too shy and never confident enough to pursue) and we went out a few times. It was very clear to me early in the relationship that he was "the one" (and I am NOT a hopeless romantic) . . . the rest is history.
Do you ever wish you weren't solo?
I really enjoyed being alone. (Have any of you read the book QuirkyAlone by Sasha Cagen? - I could have written that book.) I was scared of co-parenting. I have actually mourned the loss of my old life. My life now is exactly as it is supposed to be, but so much has changed. I worked very, very hard to get to were I was and I was very happy and content (albeit, a big stagnant). Now, I have a whole new set of challenges and a bright and beautiful future. Everyone is happy - most of the time - but, I honestly do miss being solo, it was a beautiful chapter in my journey. Co-parenting is absolutely as hard as I always imagined it must be!
HUGS TO ZEBRA!!
(I hope that y'all don't mind that I joined the thread - if you think its not appropriate, please feel free to delete.)