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Solo Parents (no co-parenting, visitation, child support, etc)

2K views 43 replies 24 participants last post by  kdmama33 
#1 ·
How are you?

How do you get by?

What do you like about being solo?

Do you date?

Do you ever wish you weren't solo?
 
#3 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MaWhit View Post
How are you?
I am great. Although a bit achy and exhausted, as I just completed my 1st 1/2 marathon this morning! Yay me!!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaWhit View Post
How do you get by?
I am a first grade teacher with great benefits and although I work in one of the lowest paying districts in my state, I still make a comfortable living and have wonderful benefits for myself and ds.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaWhit View Post
What do you like about being solo?
I like not having to deal with trial and tribulations of shared custody. I like feeling the pride of knowing that I am able to make a great life for me and ds... on my own!

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaWhit View Post
Do you date?
Yes, actually, I have been with my bf for a little over 1 1/2 years now and he just moved in with me and ds in July. Regardless of my new live-in bf status, I am still a solo mama. Ds is 100% my responsibility in all aspects. It is just nice to have some extra support for myself, an emergency back up for ds & he is just a wonderful person to have in both of our lives... he is our enrichment package.


Quote:

Originally Posted by MaWhit View Post
Do you ever wish you weren't solo?
Yep, especially during some of the rougher moments. But, I try not to dwell on what I don't have -- or even on what I wish I had -- and focus on all the wonders and blessing of what I do have.
 
#4 ·
How are you?
I'm awesome. I really am very happy. I have been a completely solo mother since my daughter was born years ago and I am now pregnant with number 2 (donor sperm). I think we have a great life.

How do you get by?
I have a decent job and I also go to university full-time most semester. I live in Canada so I have good student loans, free health care, 7$ a day daycare(well DD is in school now but still). I also get child benefits from both levels of governement (as do every other parents in this country). I also have 1 year paid maternity leave. I don' know if it would be as easy if I was living somewhere else but I certainly cannot complain about my financial situation.

What do you like about being solo?

I don't have to deal with another person having any rights on my children. I am very definite ideas about how I want my family to be and I am not open to compromise. I like being able to make decisions without consulting a judge.

Do you date?

Nope. No interest in that.

Do you ever wish you weren't solo?

No. The only advantage I could see in getting a partner would be someone to cook and clean for me and a free babysitter. That thought makes me feel like some dude from the 50s looking for a housewife so I'd rather stay solo. I would be ok with the idea of having family around sometimes (like a retired grandmother for the summers and things like that instead of day camp).
 
#5 ·
How are you?
I'm in a very peaceful space. Really enjoying my daughter & I as well as loving that both of us are growing with eachother.

How do you get by?
I am finishing my school work to become a teacher. My overhead is really low thanks to support of family and I get subsidized childcare which helps cover some of the preschool cost for dd. I will be able to comfortably provide for dd & myself once I am teaching in a couple years.

What do you like about being solo?
I like dd having a constant in her life instead of the highs and lows that come with her father. It is comforting to not need permission to make decisions that I know are best for dd.... etc.

Do you date?
Yes, I am seeing someone but it's a challenge to see each other often since dd is with me the majority of the time. I guess I am still searching for the balance of how to be in the early stages of a relationship where I keep my significant other and daughter separate....

Do you ever wish you weren't solo?
As a solo parent - No. I really have embraced parenting dd solo and in fact am now fighting to keep it that way. Her father and I can never co-parent successfully together because he is and never has been involved.

Solo in life / love - Yes. I do miss having someone who is a support system, best friend, lover, partner, etc. and I would always be open to that reentering my life.
 
#6 ·
How are you?

Happy, tired, busy, fulfilled.

How do you get by?

I'm a homeschooling solo mama, so I have to be extra creative sometimes. I'm in grad school full time (loans/grants/scholarships), and my major will help me further my career in the nonprofit I founded last year and of which I am a minimally paid director. I'm also a freelance writer and write articles, do a few newsletters a month, as well as blogging, writing business letters, editing, research, brainstorming, press releases, etc. I have a feeling I'll be doing grant-writing in the future. I also get paid a bit for being the Director of Children's Religious Exploration (UU Sunday school equivalent). I occasionally get paid to babysit, wash windows, give rides, do other oddjobs, and sometimes I do some mystery shopping.

What do you like about being solo?

I'm fully, authentically myself, and my children are allowed to be, too. We are a stable family unit, I get tons of time with them, and our home is filled with more love and laughter than I ever thought could fit inside walls.

Do you date?

No. But I flirt.

Do you ever wish you weren't solo?
No. But it would be nice if I were solo for different reasons.

XH was my best friend and a good dad for the first 1.5 years after we split. However, he then became a drug addict and alcoholic, his aggression and violence got out of control, and he is currently incarcerated. This all started 3 years ago and he is facing 4-16 years in prison.

I don't mind being solo, but I miss my best friend and the kids miss their dad.
 
#7 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MaWhit View Post
How are you?
Frazzled!

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaWhit View Post
How do you get by?
Well, I am currently on unemployment as my old job shut their doors. It is hurting me a lot because I had the perfect income and perfect hours there... I would take the kids to the babysitters in the morning... DS would go to school from there and DD would sleep for several more hours and only be awake with the babysitter for a few hours before I came to pick her up... and home with more than enough time before DS got home from school at 3:30... now I am home with DD every day.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaWhit View Post
What do you like about being solo?
I can do things like I did today... just tell the kids to get in the car and leave. I didnt particularly have a destination in mind until I hit the edge of town when I remembered two local state parks my kids have never been to.

When I was with their father he would have refused to go or let me take them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaWhit View Post
Do you date?
I am actually engaged to be married, but my fiance and I do not live together. He is currently in Iraq and when he is home he lives on base and I live in another state, in my hometown... until we are married.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaWhit View Post
Do you ever wish you weren't solo?
I am glad I wont be forever... but that is only because I honestly trust that DF is Mr. Right this time around... and have yet to have ANYONE tell me differently (oh man how they warned me of my ex though)

I do not blame mamas who never want to so much as date again though... I was there until I met DF.
 
#9 ·
I hope it's ok if I play. I don't fit all your criteria,as you will see. I do have sole custody,and guardianship,and all the day to day stuff,and major decisions fall to me. He visits a few times a year. We get along well,and discuss stuff like whe to get her ears pierced,music lessons..that kind of thing. He's a good guy,and the best father he can be.
How are you?

Good very fun day at a pumpkin patch with my 4 yr old daughter and my parents.

How do you get by?

I DO get child support. it's not my main source of income,but yeah,I do get it,and my daughter's father is AWESOME about it.

I work 2 part time jobs,and of course,being Canadian,free health care,and Child tax credit,and the universal childcare benefit everyone gets. My daughter goes to work with me,so I don't have to pay for daycare. I also qualify for a rent subsidy.

What do you like about being solo?

I've never been married,or even lived with someone. So,grass is greener and all,I tend not to see positives in my situation. I wish things were different. This was not how my life was supposed to work out. I do have a wonderful daughtr who would not trade for anything. I've NEVER regretted having her.

Do you date?

no. 35 yyr old single moms aren't a hot commodity,I guess. (as if I'd have time or energy to date anyhow)

Do you ever wish you weren't solo?

All.the.time. I would love to have more kids,but I won't do it on my own. it gets really lonely. I'd like someone to talk thru parenting stuff with,make decisions with. Just another adult to talk to at the end of the day. And I want to be a SAHM.
 
#10 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MaWhit View Post
Do you all have sole custody?

I do.
Im still working on the divorce, but that will be put in if not removal of parental rights due to him not showing any interest in the kids except at times when he calls me and the first thing he says is... My grandma is having a get-together and wants the kids there.

Well I am tempted to just call up his gramma and tell her just what a lousy parent he has been and ask her to stop asking him to get the kids because it hurts them more than it helps. If he only wants to be involved when it makes him look good, I would rather him not be involved at ALL.♦
 
#12 ·
How are you?
Im doing great. Have not been this happy in years.
How do you get by?
I work a fulltime job and run my own business on the side. And my mom helps watch ds while Im working.
What do you like about being solo?
Knowing that I am competent and being a fabulous parent and making the right decisions for us. No need to ask permission or compromise on my beliefs.
Do you date?
tried it for a bit but its very difficult. right now Im not interested in dating. especially since another little one is on the way.
Do you ever wish you weren't solo?
not in regards to parenting. But being intimate with someone is nice once in a while...that I miss.
Do you have sole custody?
yes I do.
 
#14 ·
How are you?
Great! Stressed at times but on the whole, I do love my life exactly the way it is.

How do you get by?
I work full-time and am a shiftworker. We do not receive any child support. My son's dad and I were just friends (not in a dating relationship) and he walked away literally the moment I told him I was pregnant. I chose not to pursue support and his name is not on the birth certificate.

I make a great wage at my job, have great benefits through work, and living in Canada we have an awesome health care system as well as the benefits mentioned by a pp (child tax credit, etc). My mom watches my son on my night shifts and weekend shifts. I've been lucky enough to find awesome daycare where I only have to pay on the days he's there; this year he's in school all day every day so daycare is mostly not required, which saves even more money.

What do you like about being solo?
As others have said, I like that I don't have to "answer to" anyone. I can do what I want when I want as relates to my child. I love that I was able to buy a house (my first) on my own and am able to do what I want with it without having to take someone else's ideas etc into account. I also love that I am doing it all myself and that I don't "need" anyone - I feel confident and independent and capable.

Do you date?
My boyfriend, a single parent of one, and I have been together for two years. Previously to that, I had no interest in dating or a relationship but that may have partly been a self-defence thing. Our relationship happened so gradually; I love that! We do not live together and don't plan to until we marry.

Do you ever wish you weren't solo?
No, not really. I do sometimes wish that my son's dad would acknowledge him and have him in his life and I do feel sad that there is a whole other family that my son knows nothing about but I'm also happy with my little family and the support that I have in my own family and the amazing family we've found through my boyfriend and his family.
 
#15 ·
How are you?
Generally I do OK, today is ending up exceptionally crap-tastic
How do you get by?
I substitutue teach part time ( whenever they call me) and I get unemployement. Im scheduled to student teach after the holidays to finish my teaching license.
What do you like about being solo?
I like not having to answer to anyone. Not that DS father ever would challenge me on anything but there is alot less stress this way
Do you date?
No, but I have a friend w. benefits
Do you ever wish you weren't solo?
No, in my 35 yrs on this planet, Ive learned alot about myself and I am one of those people who need their space...
Do you have sole custody?
yes I do, mr wonderful is currently serving his sentence at the state hospital forensic unit. needless to say, he is a captive audience. If he serves his entire sentence my son will be 16 when he is released. There is no guarentee he will ever be "released back to society".

As I stated in #1 today has been espically crap-tastic.
 
#17 ·
Yeah, that sucks Zebra but at least he is somewhere he cannot harm others.

As for me, there is no father listed so yeah sole custody in every way. No visits or interaction whatsoever. I feel so lucky when I hear stories of people dealing with crazy exes suing for custody and such.
 
#18 ·
I don't have sole custody yet but my dd is almost three her father has never seen her without me present, he makes no decisions on her behalf, does not contribute or see her on a regular basis..... and has a history of being emotionally abusive so once he stops avoiding service and we get in front of a judge I am requesting and hoping it will go my way....... which of course is sole custody!
 
#20 ·
MaWhit while I am thankful of this thread I wonder if others feel welcomed to post here. The definition of solo parents in the thread title makes me wonder....

Does having a child support order make one less than a solo parent?

What if parents have an order in place but the NCP gets one place of input (like education)? One of the most vocal solo-parenting mama's here on MDC has this situation.... even though she has sole custody and the father has no visitation.

What if there is a visitation order but the NCP never excerises it?

By your definition I am still a solo parent but it did make me stop and think about what items define me a solo mama.....

Now to answer your question

I am doing really well. Finally I am making my needs a priority, making my health (both mental and physical) a priority and learning the art of balance between caring and taking care of my daughter as well as caring for myself.

Dental work, full physical, gym membership or yoga class card all BIG items on the top of my list for "filling my own cups"

I am also giddy that I am persistently taking step to progress getting sole custody thru the courts despite my ex's attempts to hide from personal service as well as hide from Child Support Enforcement....

My daughter is thriving she is almost three and a burtsing developmentally I think 3 is going to prove itself both challenging in a discipline sense (she is head strong I am easy going but only to a point.... she is not at all easy going) but also incredibly rich is the interactions dd and I will be able to share in. Unlike the task from 0 thru 2 done for, to or along side of my daughter she is really starting to show an interest is doing things together as a team and it's a beautiful harmony of partnership that makes daily life flow.
 
#22 ·
How are you?
Tired, a lot of the time, perpetually hanging by a thread financially.

How do you get by?
Right now I'm unemployed and living on food stamps. what little money i had or have coming to me gets eaten up by rent (I am staying with my parents renting a room from them)

What do you like about being solo?
i don't have his father and his stupidity hanging over my head telling me how to raise my child. Surprisingly he is pretty much on board with my parenting philosophy --does not object to my plans to homeschool, doesn't seem to care much about non-vaxing. but he is adamantly opposed to our religious beliefs (but does not follow his own at ALL) so it is a relief not to have him constantly undermining or belittling me over that and other things. And, I like to do things my own way anyway, lol, so it works fine for me that he's not standing over me telling me how to raise my ds. Ig et enough of that from my mom.

Do you date?
I have a bf (although we will not live together until we go through some serious counseling, he is basically a good guy but has admitted that we need some "family" type counseling in order to learn how to communicate). I'm actually having his baby in april.


Do you ever wish you weren't solo?
It gets lonely sometimes although a lot of times when I was completely alone I was happy that I could hog the computer all night, make a mess in the kitchen and sleep in my granny panties undisturbed.


It is very hard financially. Even a couple hundred dollars a month in chidl support would make a HUGE difference in ds and my quality of life. I can do without the niceties, but it hurts me that ds' dad is unwilling to be a consistent support in his life. He has only ever sent moeny for him twice that I can recall, once $50 and once $20. none of my extended family buy anything for ds like little presents, gift cards, toys, NOTHING. honestly in the 6 months that my bf and I have known each other he has done so much more for my ds than anyone in my own family, and while I'm grateful he was there and helped me, it does make me sad for my child's sake.

I would not choose to parent solo (like deliberately getting pregnant) but I deal with the life I DO have and am immensely grateful for the privilege of raising my children. I certainly would not wish them away for anything, even knowing now how things would turn out.
 
#24 ·
Hi! I wanted to chime in to offer support . . . I am no longer a solo momma, but I was for 12 years (I tied the knot 2 years ago). It has been a rough ride at times, but so rewarding! I had my daughter when I was 19 and worked hard to raise her alone. She has never met her "father" (I haven't spoken to him since I was 3 mos pregnant). I have never received child support, but was blessed with wonderful parents (and friends) who could not support us financially, but provided us both with emotional support. I admire each and every one of you for going solo - you're children are so very lucky to have such amazing mothers!

How are you?
Things have been better, and they have been worse . . . I am newly wed, with a teenager, a toddler and an infant and after years of being solely self-supporting, I am now a SAHM struggling to survive on an income 1/3 of what I had become accustomed to (plus 3 additional loved ones to support).

How do you get by?
I read a lot. :-D I focus on the good things and on making decisions I know will be beneficial in the present, but also rewarding in the future.

How did I get by (when I was solo)?
I read a lot. (hahah) j/k
I worked a lot. I held multiple jobs when DD was a baby. We moved out for a year and then back in with my dad, the back out again, and then in with my grandmother, and then, finally out on our own. I never gave up and kept moving forward in my career pursuit and eventually, it paid off.

What do you did I like about being solo?
Being able to make parenting decisions without having to compromise or explain/justify my reasons. (DH and I are on the same page re: the majority of parenting decisions which is wonderful.)

I enjoyed not having to "share" my time with multiple loved ones. I could focus fully on my daughter without anyone feeling jealous or put-off. (This is something I hadn't been prepared for when I finally allowed myself to enjoy a romantic relationship.)

I enjoy the pride I feel when my daughter makes well-informed and confident decisions and how great it feels when teachers and other parents ask me what I did to raise such a wonderful kid (maybe teachers tell that to all parents - hahah - but I like to be they are genuine). Its the biggest confidence boost there is!

I enjoyed being able to parent with a clear head without worrying about a lot of the nonsense that comes with dating/exes/etc. I see many of my friends who struggle with such issues and it takes up so much of their time and exhausts them. I am thankful I never had to deal with that kind of crap.

I could go on and on, there were many many things that I enjoyed about being solo.

Do you date?
I did, occasionally - but never seriously after my DD was 2yo. When I did date, it was casual and they were never involved in her life - many I dated, she never met or if she did they were simply friends. I intentionally chose not to date for a long time. I, personally, didn't have the ability to handle a committed relationship on top of all of the responsibility that comes with solo-parenting. When my DD turned 11, I reunited with an old acquaintance (who I had had a crush on for close to 15 years, but was too shy and never confident enough to pursue) and we went out a few times. It was very clear to me early in the relationship that he was "the one" (and I am NOT a hopeless romantic) . . . the rest is history.

Do you ever wish you weren't solo?
I really enjoyed being alone. (Have any of you read the book QuirkyAlone by Sasha Cagen? - I could have written that book.) I was scared of co-parenting. I have actually mourned the loss of my old life. My life now is exactly as it is supposed to be, but so much has changed. I worked very, very hard to get to were I was and I was very happy and content (albeit, a big stagnant). Now, I have a whole new set of challenges and a bright and beautiful future. Everyone is happy - most of the time - but, I honestly do miss being solo, it was a beautiful chapter in my journey. Co-parenting is absolutely as hard as I always imagined it must be!

HUGS TO ZEBRA!!

(I hope that y'all don't mind that I joined the thread - if you think its not appropriate, please feel free to delete.)
 
#25 ·
How are you?

I'm in a great place. Sometimes stressed, sometimes broke, but mostly happy

How do you get by?

I'm a full time student. I get by on grants and by living with my mother. It's a temporary solution until I complete my degree and find a job. For the time being, it works.

What do you like about being solo?

I like knowing that I am raising my son in a healthy environment. I make the decisions I think is best for him. Frankly, I don't know what it feels like to be a co-parent so this is the only way I know.

Do you date?

Kind of. I am open to it but not very active on the dating front. I am a bit guarded and I barely have time anyway. I prefer to spend time with my girlfriends but I would love to find someone to share my life with.

Do you ever wish you weren't solo?

Not when it comes to parenting. Like I said, I don't know of any other way! But I do miss being intimate with another person and sharing a life.

Do you have sole custody?

Yes.
yes I do.
 
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