OH EM GEE this is why i need to not lurk.
rhiannon: sticky vibes!!!
oh, i am SO SO happy to read that! i wish i hadn't seen it in your siggy when i was catching up - kinda spoiled the "fun," you know? lol... seriously though, this news made me feel so great.
lauren: yay, a girl! (either way i would have said yay, but oh well.) at DD's ultrasound, i researched what genitalia look like on u/s for like a week before and took a bunch of online quizzes, and i made the woman point out the labia lines. (she flinched when i said labia. i was like, dude, you're a medical type, you can't handle the word LABIA?)
enigo: holy crap, have you been through the wringer! i am so sorry about all this. every child takes out their frustration on the people who love them most, and considering how much you have been through i am sure he picks up on the stress and doesn't know how else to deal with it.
be gentle with yourself. you are so not a bad mommy! what can you do when life is crazy? you all have to express the feelings you have, and you will have so many more lovey mommy days to make up for this. and i agree that you should look into finding a new healthcare provider... that is so not okay. everyone makes mistakes, sure, but it sounds like you've been treated really poorly, which is exactly the opposite of what they should be doing for you, especially right now.
liz: if your CM data is pretty accurate, i'd guess you're about 12 dpo, which would fit with your prior charts. i would feel unable to "move on" as well...
to you. i can totally understand how hard it is to make your life not about TTC. if i had to decide, firmly, that i was done, i don't know how i would handle it. i do believe your time is coming, even though it has been such a long time coming. we know you can get pregnant, which is a point in your favor even though i'm sure it doesn't feel like one... now you just have to get there again, and stay there. and i truly believe that you will. and i think it's great to do whatever you can to enjoy life as it is RIGHT NOW and not stress as much about it.
tear: that last part totally goes for you as well - not the 12 dpo part, but that i can't imagine how hard this has all been for you, and that i DO believe that your time will come. again, we know you can get pregnant, and we know that the progesterone is going to help that baby stick, so it WILL happen for you. it sucks to have to continue to just be patient and wait it out when it's what you want so badly, and it's so not fair, and i wish that nobody had to go through that ache. it's just not fair. congratulations, though, on becoming an aunt, and
about all the difficulty involved with that.
maeryn: that is SO exciting that DF is coming back SO SOON. you must be ready to burst with excitement about seeing him! i can't imagine waiting so long to just begin this new phase of your life together - but you guys sound like such a sweet match and i'm so happy that it is just a couple measly weeks away.
i really empathize with you in terms of your back-and-forth on TTC, especially when taking into account your current life situation and your DH's feelings on it. it can be so obvious and easy sometimes to be rational about it and know that whatever happens, happens... but when that emotional response comes in and you just truly don't know how to feel, and you are sad about it not happening again and having to go through the uncertainty about what you truly want another month, it is just so difficult. but that's awesome news about the insurance coming in to cover a whole bunch of stuff!
OH GOD i didn't mean to write personals at all; i have been getting so little sleep and all the billions of medical people i see each week (okay, 4, but it feels like billions since my weeks are so full of frigging appointments) are ready to throttle me for not utilizing the restorative value of sleep to my benefit at a time where i really need it. so i just will send a quick
to everyone else and a hello to the newbies. but i can't not ramble about myself, since i have nowhere else to really blather on and on about this.....
afm: I AM IN A TWO WEEK WAIT AGAIN BABY! YEAH!
FF says i'm 3 dpo, which i agree with. :
what is WITH me always f**king up my temp taking right around O time? anyway, whatever, i'm not gonna worry about it. this is probably the most laid-back i have ever felt about babies, ever. (let's see how i am in a week...) i realized how much tension i store in my abdomen/uterus when i'm thinking about it, so i very consciously have been trying to relax that area and it is much easier. maybe that lack of tension will trigger something? also, i wouldn't mind NOT being pregnant this month since i'd be due 3 weeks before DH, DD and i have to be in an out-of-state wedding. so my thought is, the inconvenience combined with the conscious muscle relaxing MUST improve my odds somehow, right? OH, plus i haven't really gotten to use my OPKs that are just sitting in the bathroom, so i think that ups the odds too. and i bought a keeper this summer. it's like the equivalent of white pants for AF, ya know? right? maybe? ooh, maybe i should buy like 7 years worth of FF or something like that; i bet that'd do it! it was like pulling teeth (wrt DH and my spine) to get to a place where i can have sperm and an egg in me at the same time, though, so that counts against me. in my own crazed view of what jinxes you and what doesn't.
DH is still being kind of contradictory about all this stuff, but whatever. we tried 1 of the 2 condoms and i had a horrific reaction that just would not quit, so earlier this week when we were both in the mood i told him that we would have to abstain since i wasn't willing to use the condom. i couldn't remember where i was in my cycle (what bliss - pre O anyway!) so i told him that there would definitely be a chance, but the chances of not conceiving are ALWAYS higher and it's kind of just a crapshoot anyway because hell, some people get pregnant using condoms AND the pill, so statistics can only tell you so much. so he was like, whatever, let's go for it, and FF says i O'd the next day. and he's totally fine and chill about it, and said that he'd be happy to have another baby. i think he thinks it won't happen. so i think that improves my odds of it happening as well.
he'd still like to try the other condom brand so that if this cycle is a wash, he at least knows if there is SOME sort of easy and convenient non-vagina-angering condom we can use if he gets super cold feet... but if it doesn't work, he will give up, because he is not so opposed to pregnancy that he would have me jump through all these hoops to avoid when they're either physically or mentally difficult for me. a baby would be a happy thing even if it's stressful/hectic, whereas recurrent vaginal infections/irritations really have nothing going for them. OH, and other good news: i had my follow-up ultrasound this week due to my cyst in july, and it is all cleared up! and my endometrium looks nice as well (i asked because she wrote down 1.15 as the level which is SUPER LOW for this point in your cycle, but it was actually 11.5 which is good), so IF there is a zygote in me that would like to be an extremely inconveniently-timed baby, it's got a nice cozy place to implant.
also? i have been having tons of friends announce pregnancies, left and right. two of them were basically like, "don't congratulate me, i don't even know how to feel about this." and whatever - i mean, you need to feel how you feel, and having gone through an unplanned pregnancy myself i know that it's mentally jarring and requires adjustment, but still. just so not what i was in the mood to hear. plus, i never asked to not be congratulated or felt BAD about it - i was surprised and shocked and not sure how we'd manage, but i was HAPPY, so i just cannot relate to that. anyway, i think there is an epidemic of pregnant friends lately around here.
oh, and for halloween i am thinking i will go the lazy route and just wear some of my dressy indian clothes. that's the nice thing about being ethnic; you always have several back-up costumes in your closet that your mom and grandma and aunties are bugging you to wear more often.
well, there you go, another novel from me - and nearly in time for NaNoWriMo!