how to encourage cooperating with parent?

[show&tell]

my 3.3 year old has been having a really tough time working with me to achieve certain daily things. most things i can/have adjust/ed my expectations or time lines for: (getting dressed, brushing teeth, etc.). but other things, like staying in bed at bedtime or stopping nursing* he just won't listen to me. when i try to enforce it by repetition he either (1) reverts to baby-like activity (i think he's copying his little sister) and kind of shuts down, or (2) get's slightly physical hitting, pawing, pushing me away.

the only thing that has seemed to work is to tell him i will put away his train set if he continues the behavior. i'm not sure if that is the right thing to do. i don't officially know what gd is so i'd love some advice from parents that know a lot more about it than i do.

thanks!

(*he nurses at bedtime, i tell him a story and sing a song then i give him a 10 second countdown to de-latch, it's all of the nursing from him i can take -- i've nursed him through my entire pregnancy and tandem nursed him and his sister for 1 year, for the first 9 months he was pretty aggressive nurser, i'm very done with nursing him, i just know that he isn't so I'm trying to still provide it for him. -- All info for another forum, though -- just wanted you to have the bg information if you needed it).

[foreverinbluejeans]

Gentle discipline means, quite simply, placing empathy and respect at the very center of your parenting (La Leche League).

I saw that no one was offering any advice. I think effective parenting is a more practical description of what needs to be practiced with toddlers.

Punishment does not teach good behavior. At best it stops bad behavior. It can make children resent parents and parents unhappy with their roles as parent and with their children. Authoritarian parenting uses punishment. Things like taking away toys, TV, times outs, grounding are all punishment.

Authoritarian parenting is the healthiest style in which to raise children. You can search google to find out more about authoritarian parenting. Without Spanking or Spoiling by Elizabeth Crary is a great toddler parenting book. She has a website called Star Parenting.

It sounds like both of you are strong willed. Threats aren't the way to go with a strong willed child. You say he won't listen to you. I think what you mean is he won't obey you. With a strong willed child it is important to have guidelines (authoritarian) and be smart enough to get the child to follow them. You don't let them not obey. You don't say NO, you don't hit, you make sure they do what you say.

I was caring for my toddler grandson and I was sick with a sinus infection, it was over 100 degrees in Tucson, and I was tired. We had just moved and a full length mirror was leaning against the wall in my room. I was laying on the bed and he was fascinated by the mirror. He started shaking it and I was trying to talk him out of it without getting up. I really wanted him to lay down with me and take a nap. I said no. He crumpled. When I say no he just crumples, devastated. He got over it.

The mirror was so fascinating he went back to it a little later. If I wasn't sick I would have moved it. The whole mirror thing was my fault. He shook the mirror very careful and looked at himself. Then he started moving it too much. I got up and moved the stupid mirror.

I could have avoided the whole problem. I took the blame. Instead I let him have some fun, the mirror didn't break. I didn't get upset or mad. I did slip and say no.

The situation could be viewed very different. The first time he touched the mirror I could have said NO. He could have been used to me saying NO 50 times a day and ignored me. I would be upset because he didn't listen (when I really mean obey). I could go over and smack his hands because he could get hurt and put him in a crib because it was nap time. I could be way upset because HE wouldn't take a nap, and HE wouldn't listen.

I don't know if this example is of any help.

Breastfeeding. It sounds like you are ready to wean. If you don't like nursing him he is going to feel it. I suggest you try letting him nurse as often and for as long as he wants. You may find that if he knows he can nurse his behavior may improve. Limiting nursing is a control issue. I hate to say this but if you really don't like it then it may be better to wean than to control it.

It sounds like you are trying to get him on a routine. Some kids don't do well with trying to get them on a routine. You might try letting him go to sleep when he is tired rather than do the story and song thing.

We had a rule when my youngest was little. He could stay up as long as he wasn't bothering anyone. If it was dark out and he was bothering anyone he had to go to bed. It worked well. When he got sleepy he would go to bed.

With things like getting dressed you might try first, then. First you get dressed, then we eat breakfast. First (something you want him to do), then (something he wants to do).

It's hard when you have a strong willed child. It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep and I know I spelled a lot of words wrong. I hope I made sense.

[show&tell]

thanks for your response. i guess i've kind of been going about everything wrong. i need to wipe the slate clean and figure it all out again. oh boy. i just don't know if i'm cut out for this.

[show&tell]

okay, actually i'm really confused now. i know what i'm doing isn't working and i need some idea of what to do. could someone point me in the right direction to a book or website that has some information? tia...

[mamazee]

I think I'd stop looking at his behavior, and look at the reason for his behavior. How old is the baby? Is he having some jealousy issues? Regression is common for older siblings adjusting to life with a baby. Why doesn't he want to stay in bed? Is the baby still up? That could be a jealousy thing too. It could be for other reasons. Is he not tired when he's going to bed? Anyway, I'd look for why he's getting up instead of focusing on the fact that he's getting up. You solve the why, you solve the problem. As far as the nursing goes, maybe you could say that he can nurse for a certain amount of time, and after that if he's thirsty he can have some water, and leave a sippy cup of water for him? Or is he trying to keep you in the bedroom with him and using nursing to keep you there? In which case it might be related to him getting up at night. He might just be lonely.

Anyway, again, I'd look to "why" instead of "what".

[show&tell]

thanks mamazee. that makes sense. his sister is a year old. she is asleep before we put him to bed. he's clearly exhausted. i make sure i spend some one on one time with him before we go into his room. i do think he just doesn't want me to leave/be alone. we've already stretched the bedtime routine out quite long, so we can't really do more.

but, what i'd love to pursue is figuring out how to help him express his emotions without reverting to baby talk or being physical. i always say, use your words please tell me what you feel. and we do a yoga 'tiger-pose' roar and deep breath when we are upset (but he doesn't quite 'get' that, i don't think). but, i'm clearly not doing that effectively, any advice in helping a 3 year old express emotions/feelings??

[staceychev]

Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans

Authoritarian parenting is the healthiest style in which to raise children.

Just to clarify, you mean "authoritative" not "authoritarian," right? Authoritarian styles aren't usually the norm on the GD board!

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by show&tell

thanks mamazee. that makes sense. his sister is a year old. she is asleep before we put him to bed. he's clearly exhausted. i make sure i spend some one on one time with him before we go into his room. i do think he just doesn't want me to leave/be alone. we've already stretched the bedtime routine out quite long, so we can't really do more.

but, what i'd love to pursue is figuring out how to help him express his emotions without reverting to baby talk or being physical. i always say, use your words please tell me what you feel. and we do a yoga 'tiger-pose' roar and deep breath when we are upset (but he doesn't quite 'get' that, i don't think). but, i'm clearly not doing that effectively, any advice in helping a 3 year old express emotions/feelings??

Oddly, sometimes if you put a child to bed BEFORE they're that tired, they sometimes do better. So you might actually try putting him to bed a little earlier and see if there's any improvement.

It sounds to me like you're doing the right things as far as getting him to express his feelings. It just takes time.

Can you lie down with him for a little while while he falls asleep? Does he have a lovey item? What all is involved in his bedtime routine? Maybe if you took some things that are less important to him out, and add in some time to snuggle up next to him for a little bit, he'd like that? Maybe give him a picture of you, or the two of you together, to hold onto at night? Just shooting out some ideas because it's so specific from child to child. Someone else might have some other ideas of things to try.