parenting classes....

[jeliphish]

In my field of work I am often pushed to send parents to "parenting classes". I personally feel that if a parent needs actual classes to learn how to parent, then there are a lot more issues that need to be addressed than a simple 2-4 week course.
I am hoping to follow through with an idea that I feel very strongly about. I deal with so many parents who simply do not have the knowlege or skills to parent as they should, examples being: no structure, junk food all day long, reactive parenting- spanking, yelling, shaming... very little smiling, a devistating lack of positive conversation, absolutely no guidence, mixed messages, and overall- parent's who "parent" full of anger all day, everyday.

For example- a mom who has three children, 4y.o. and under. (mom grew up in foster care, hence the cyclical effect that we all see at DSS). The children are angry...simply put. There is no mental or emotional interaction. The mom yells, hits, and is just tired and frustrated and truly thinks her children are bad and she treats them as such. I come into the picture and work with her and model parenting her children as I parent mine. Even given the fact that I see these children for 3 to 4 hours a week- I am able to engage them and they, for the most part, act like totally different kids. I could elaborate for the next hour, but in general - the situation at best with the mom and her children, is chaotic, angry, and heartbreaking.

Our current parenting classes that are offered to our client's throughout the valley do not address these issues as they should. I am hoping to come up with a course that instills core AP values within the community we serve, but I am having a difficult figuring out where to start....

Something needs to be done! I am tired of going home feeling like I am just putting out fires and putting bandaids on situations that aren't getting better!

I believe I can find a place to host parenting classes. I believe I have the time to host parenting classes, and I am hoping to get some of my co-workers (who are AP minded) or my best friend who is also in my field of work to assist me.
I just need some imput from you moms about:
A. How long a course should be (I personally think a 2 to 3 month "beginner course)
B. what subjects to cover when the parents need a whole new way of thinking
C. How to engage them
D. How much to charge local dept. of social services for my time
E. How to give them hope and the ability to be a loving, patient, and structured parent, when everything around them seems to be chaos.

Anyother imput is greatly appreciated.

[LROM]

I think it's great that you're putting this energy into trying to improve something like this. I have a thought on one of your questions and a question for you.

In terms of how you engage the parents, my strong advice is you focus on pregnant moms and moms of babies. Honestly, once a child is more than a year old a lot of the cues and signals are in place and while AP could still totally be a wonderful asset to that parent, you might as well start with parents who are starting with their babies right from the beginning.

This is true whether a parent already has kids or not - since you can't be everywhere with all parents, stick with pregnant moms and if they already have kids, great, what they learn about AP will hopefully help their older kids too.

My question for you, have you actually gone to any of the parenting classes you refer moms to, and have you talked to any moms after the class?

The truth is some of those classes are useless, but some are excellent and the moms get a lot out of them. I still think you should do what you think is an improvement, but you will yourself produce a much better class if you attend a couple of the ones you refer to and learn from what you think works well in them and what doesn't.

Good luck!

[LynnS6]

I'm going to gently disagree with the pp in saying that while I think classes for pregnant women and babies are excellent, positive changes can be made at any age.

There are at least four things that people who need help with parenting skills can benefit from. Some of these can be at least introduced in a class.

1. Understanding what's appropriate developmentally - that their children aren't being 'bad', they're doing what's appropriate for a 2 year old or an 8 year old, or whatever. If you read the boards here, you'll find this group of well educated (self-educated or otherwise) parents struggle with this. How much harder is this if you've never been introduced to what is appropriate for a child this age.

2. Seeing and practicing appropriate discipline techniques. This probably needs both intellectual understanding of the sort you can get in a class and modeling/practice.

3. Learning about (and practicing) the importance of connection.

4. A chance to talk and bond with other parents who are going through the same thing. This can provide a support network and also a model that it's not that my kid is 'bad' -- a lot of kids this age do this.

In terms of time frame, 10-12 weeks would be a good beginning time frame. Within the class, you need time for parents to connect to each other (maybe sharing weekly successes and struggles), time for information, time for discussion/questions. The parents need a simple, single take home message from each session.

Have you ever read "How to Talk So Children Will Listen" by Faber & Mazlish. The book talks a lot about parenting classes they've run, and might be a good place to get clues for how to approach it.

I second attending some of the classes. This will give you a sense of what works, what doesn't and what YOU want to do.

[Tjej]

I think that 3-4 months is good.

My DH and I went to one parenting class together, and we found it helpful because it helped us to be on the same page and have a plan. The class also had one thing we were to try each week and talk about the results - I think that could be a good way to work with frustrated families. Talk about how noone is perfect BUT there are simple things you can do to make positive change. Then start with one thing that is easy, cheap, and makes a BIG difference.

I think that the best way to make gentle parenting attractive is to show how it works well - a video clip of a parenting situation where things are handled well and poorly, and discussing why and how it was better the gentle way.

HTH

Tjej

ETA: I agree with the PP too that an emphasis on "connection" is really good. Talk about what discipline is FOR - it isn't to make a child do what you want when you want, it's ultimate purpose is to help form a child into a loving and respectful person (or whatever their goals for their children are), and show how punitive measures don't foster connection that causes growth in character...

[aprons_and_acorns]

To the OP, have you seen the book Becoming the Parent You Want to Be by Laura Davis? It might be helpful for the participants or for designing the classes/workshop. In our old city (before we moved) it was the book our local parent/family enrichment progam gave to all of its participants and it is just an excellent book in my opinion. There is a huge emphasis on connected/compassionate parenting (the "heart" of AP in I think a lot of people's minds) without all of the specifics that can discourage or turn off some people who don't see them as being applicable or desirable (for example, breastfeeding or extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, stay-at-home mothering, etc). I just thought I would throw that out there to add to your reading list if you haven't already. Good luck with designing your classes! I'm sure they will help a lot of people.

Also, I took a Health Realization workshop once that was offered through the same program. It was a four-week course that was geared toward parents with children of all ages and it was amazingly helpful to me as a low-income SAHM of a toddler. It might be a training to look into if your employer will pay for it!

[LROM]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

I'm going to gently disagree with the pp in saying that while I think classes for pregnant women and babies are excellent, positive changes can be made at any age.

Hi Lynn, actually we don't disagree at all. I fully believe positive changes can be made at any age, and I especially believe that because I work for a child welfare agency and work like crazy even for 17 yr olds to have better supports because I believe them (and even 54 yr olds!) can make positive changes.

I just think that starting out, you need to hone in on a target group, not just "all parents", and often pregnant women and brand new moms (even with older kids) are "open" in a way to advice and new information that makes them easier to engage in general. That is a huge generalization, but overall I find it to be true.

But definitely, effective parenting classes can help parents and children of all ages, I totally agree with that.

[Just1More]

I agree with a single "goal of the week" idea. Just ONE thing to change. Too much is, well, too much. If you can get them to say, count to ten every time they are frustrated BEFORE they respond, or read a book to their child every night before bed, or turn the TV off while they eat supper, just tiny baby steps...I think that will go a long way toward giving them a taste of something better.

I also think that showing them a better way is very helpful. Talk is good, but a lot of it would just be so opposite from what they've seen/who they are/ where they are coming from, that I would think it would be hard to implement it. So, maybe if you have a good solid group of mamas who can mentor these other mothers, you could set up a playgroup situation. Have a short time when someone shares something directed (the goal of the week), and a decent question and answer period where people can talk about their struggles. The other AP moms can be planted strategically to offer input as a participant of the class, and less as an authority/teacher role. If the other AP moms do act as participants, then they can bring things up as well...they can think up similar examples from their lives and ask for help from the others for them, to get the ball rolling on creative ideas for parenting, and maybe be able to target specific problems you may see from the families in the class, but in a non-confrontational way. Then an hour or so where the children play and the families interact will give a lot of time for modeling and gentle encouragement. It would be tricky to protect your own kids, though, from the toxic nature of this sort of bad parenting. I'm sorry that was all so terribly run-on...I'm bouncing my baby as I type.

Part of the underlying problem for many of these families, I think, is that everyone around them IS this way. It's very hard to rise above and go against the grain. So, I think it's important to not only give them tools to good parenting, but also to help them form new relationships with others who will build them up.

[Evergreen]

We do a 3-4 month class called "Redirecting Children's Behavior'. It isn't enough but the class itself is great.

i think you'll be a great instructor!

[sisteeesmama]

I think it is fantastic that this is something you want to do and I really hope it takes off!

I think what pp have said has been great advice. I think maybe even having two different classes, one for new parents/pregnant mothers and then another for parents of older children might be beneficial.

I like the idea about teaching age appropriate behavior and possibly having different people(local specialists, midwives, AP/GD mothers that you know etc.) come in to talk about different things might help, too.

I think it will be very difficult to convince a lot of these parents that their kids aren't bad, that their kids can be well behaved and that they don't have to spank/hit/shame etc. to get them to do what they need them to.

I think diet should be a part of the course because people eating food they shouldn't don't feel well and consequently act out. I think excersie should be a part of the course too, or even stretching, maybe even having a yogi come in to show some simple poses/stretches that you can all do before and after each class to get everyone into a more relaxed(read compliant/open) state of mind? THis could really help people on a new level.

I love that you are doing this and thinking outside the box, I hope you update this thread as things move forward!

[vrclay]

we took a class from a lady in metro washington DC that was great. take a look at her material - www.parentingplaygroups.com