It's a long and complicated story... but my baby sister Marika has now become my "third" child. She turned 15 this last July, and up until this point was exclusively living with her mother. It's too long a story to put up here now... but suffice to say her mom has created a situation where it is not possible for her to live there and remain mentally and emotionally safe.
Our father (we share the same) has agreed with us that at this time it's not the best to be with him, either... even though that's really sad for all of us. He's very close (geographically) to her mom and is afraid it would only exacerbate the situation with her mother and tempt her to continue to torment her.
I'm several hours from her house, and it would be difficult for her to "kidnap" or manipulate her the way she did in the past... the all of two times she was able to be with our dad prior to this (her mother has spent most of her life basically brainwashing my sister into believing he didn't love her, so she never realized he was really "there" until some years ago, despite constant trying) she was quickly removed once it was clear that the situation with him was improving her disposition. We suspect her mother needs a lot of validation about her paranoia, and when she doesn't get it she'll go to great lengths to prove herself right... even at the expense of her daughter's mental health.
After running away from her mother's multiple times, we finally came and got her successfully (she's tried to get down here before, but her mother dislikes me... for some reason... and has stopped her every time). Now that she's 15, her mother can no longer force her in and out of school, tear her in and out of relatives homes to prove a point, and she finally has a stable home life.
My husband and I have been married 7 years and have two other children (her niece and nephew), we also both work part-time. We enrolled her in school nearby, and she's on the waiting list for a good, experienced youth counselor.
Suffice to say her mother doesn't exactly love this arrangement, but everyone else (including a social worker) believe it's best. She arrived early August and has made amazing strides since - turns out she's not as bad a kid as her mom keeps telling people.
However... her mom hasn't made it easy on us. Every 1-2 weeks I receive scathing phone calls or emails insulting my character, my parenting abilities, my ethics, my morals. I've been accused of everything from trying to break up her relationship with her mother, to actually feeding her drugs (even though the only time in my life - including teenage years! - I've ever "done" anything was under medical supervision!). It's starting to wear me down. Our family is going through a lot at the same time and I'm just... getting sick of her abuse.
I'm always tolerant and open, all emails are kept public (to a "group" consisting of a social worker/family friend, her, my father and his partner and me) and while I keep getting phone calls and notes thanking me for keeping my temper and being a good communicator... now I'm starting to get notes telling me to stop being such a wuss and tell her she's being a brat! Even my therapist is telling me to stand up to her and stop taking her shit.
I'm torn, because despite her accusations to the contrary... I don't want conflict! I want my sister and her mother (we have a different mother, if that wasn't made clear) to have a good relationship. We talk every day about how much she loves her, how she thinks she's doing the best and it's getting lost in translation... I try hard every single day to make sure things work out for the best and damn it - I'm doing a good job! - I don't WANT to cause a conflict. And I know that calling her mom out on being abusive and awful to us (well... to me - the rest of my family doesn't exist to her) will cause a conflict. Yet, if I don't I fear I'll be forever trapped in this "attack and defend" cycle she gets into.
This is hard, and it sucks, and on many days I sit and cry on my husband's shoulder for hours about how sick I am of taking abuse and defamation from her. I have no legal rights, the only reason her mother hasn't barged in here and kidnapped her is because at 15 the police have told her mom that she needs to deal with the fact that she can't control her anymore.
For what it's worth, she's been doing amazingly here: no drugs, no lying, no skipping classes, no screaming fights. She's made huge strides in communication, anger management, stress management, coping skills... I'm so proud of her I could burst! Dad gets to spend more time with her (he's traveling now, doing a lot of workshops but he calls A LOT) and she's incredibly happy about that.
It's a very unusual situation, but I'm happy to be raising a teenager 7 years "too early" (my eldest is 6). Anyway, I thought I'd introduce myself. I haven't posted on these forums in a LOONNNGGGG time and what I have has been periodic since 3 years ago, but I'd like to start again.
Our father (we share the same) has agreed with us that at this time it's not the best to be with him, either... even though that's really sad for all of us. He's very close (geographically) to her mom and is afraid it would only exacerbate the situation with her mother and tempt her to continue to torment her.
I'm several hours from her house, and it would be difficult for her to "kidnap" or manipulate her the way she did in the past... the all of two times she was able to be with our dad prior to this (her mother has spent most of her life basically brainwashing my sister into believing he didn't love her, so she never realized he was really "there" until some years ago, despite constant trying) she was quickly removed once it was clear that the situation with him was improving her disposition. We suspect her mother needs a lot of validation about her paranoia, and when she doesn't get it she'll go to great lengths to prove herself right... even at the expense of her daughter's mental health.
After running away from her mother's multiple times, we finally came and got her successfully (she's tried to get down here before, but her mother dislikes me... for some reason... and has stopped her every time). Now that she's 15, her mother can no longer force her in and out of school, tear her in and out of relatives homes to prove a point, and she finally has a stable home life.
My husband and I have been married 7 years and have two other children (her niece and nephew), we also both work part-time. We enrolled her in school nearby, and she's on the waiting list for a good, experienced youth counselor.
Suffice to say her mother doesn't exactly love this arrangement, but everyone else (including a social worker) believe it's best. She arrived early August and has made amazing strides since - turns out she's not as bad a kid as her mom keeps telling people.
However... her mom hasn't made it easy on us. Every 1-2 weeks I receive scathing phone calls or emails insulting my character, my parenting abilities, my ethics, my morals. I've been accused of everything from trying to break up her relationship with her mother, to actually feeding her drugs (even though the only time in my life - including teenage years! - I've ever "done" anything was under medical supervision!). It's starting to wear me down. Our family is going through a lot at the same time and I'm just... getting sick of her abuse.
I'm always tolerant and open, all emails are kept public (to a "group" consisting of a social worker/family friend, her, my father and his partner and me) and while I keep getting phone calls and notes thanking me for keeping my temper and being a good communicator... now I'm starting to get notes telling me to stop being such a wuss and tell her she's being a brat! Even my therapist is telling me to stand up to her and stop taking her shit.
I'm torn, because despite her accusations to the contrary... I don't want conflict! I want my sister and her mother (we have a different mother, if that wasn't made clear) to have a good relationship. We talk every day about how much she loves her, how she thinks she's doing the best and it's getting lost in translation... I try hard every single day to make sure things work out for the best and damn it - I'm doing a good job! - I don't WANT to cause a conflict. And I know that calling her mom out on being abusive and awful to us (well... to me - the rest of my family doesn't exist to her) will cause a conflict. Yet, if I don't I fear I'll be forever trapped in this "attack and defend" cycle she gets into.
This is hard, and it sucks, and on many days I sit and cry on my husband's shoulder for hours about how sick I am of taking abuse and defamation from her. I have no legal rights, the only reason her mother hasn't barged in here and kidnapped her is because at 15 the police have told her mom that she needs to deal with the fact that she can't control her anymore.
For what it's worth, she's been doing amazingly here: no drugs, no lying, no skipping classes, no screaming fights. She's made huge strides in communication, anger management, stress management, coping skills... I'm so proud of her I could burst! Dad gets to spend more time with her (he's traveling now, doing a lot of workshops but he calls A LOT) and she's incredibly happy about that.
It's a very unusual situation, but I'm happy to be raising a teenager 7 years "too early" (my eldest is 6).
Anyway, I thought I'd introduce myself. I haven't posted on these forums in a LOONNNGGGG time and what I have has been periodic since 3 years ago, but I'd like to start again.
