Christianity and porn

[Mama Lo]

Ok mamas, need your advice and thoughts on this.

Last night while on our computer, I discovered several porn sites in our computer history. Wasn't looking for it, I started typing in a web address and it started autofilling with previous sites visited. My first reaction was I was really upset. Dh blamed it on a guy from work, then after me rifling thru history and discovering 5-10 more sites, he no longer denied that he was looking at internet porn on our computer. He turned it around and blamed it on me because we don't have sex enough for him(about twice a week), and he has to have some visual stimulation to masturbate to. (sorry tmi )
1- I was upset because I didn't think that he looked at internet porn anymore, thru conv that last couple years I got the impression from him that he knew it wasn't right and he wasn't looking anymore.
2-I was upset because I hate thinking of him lusting after those images, images of other women.
3-I was really pissed because of the adware/spyware that screws up the computer from sites like that.
Btw, dh and I have been married 3+ years, will a 1yr old dd. Dh has always had a higher sex drive than me. Since responsibilities of working pt and taking care of dd I have even less interest than him. Anyways, want to know how my other fellow christians mamas feel about porn and their husband looking at it? Am I wrong to be upset or is it a sin?

[cappuccinosmom]

As Christians, porn is a complete no-no for me and dh. I would be very, very angry if I caught him using it, for a number of reasons.

Twice a week means your husband is not actually "starving" for sex. I do think it is understandable that a man might turn to porn with his urges rather than go outside the marriage if he feels rejected by his wife, however, that doesn't make it a healthy way to deal with intimacy problems. While I feel it's my obligation as a wife to make sure that area of intimacy and connection stays open between us, it is also a husband's obligation to be understanding of what is going on with his wife, and to maintain his sexual integrity no matter what. And to most Christians, sexual integrity means keeping it within the marriage completely, not even "virtual sex" with another woman.

I think a Christian man who knows he's hurt his wife would say something more along the lines of "I was feeling rejected, but this was a completely wrong way to deal with it. Will you forgive me?" rather than "It's your fault for not putting out more". I would highly recommend you get in touch with New Life Ministries (newlife.com) as they focus on restoring and healing marriages affected by porn, and imo they do a really good job.

ETA: I would suggest to him that if he is feeling "neglected" by you, one of the ways to help things improve would be to find areas that he could help you out so that you are not so stressed and worn out. If he is open to that, it's a good sign. If not, it's more likely he just really likes the porn.

[lilyka]

there is no justificatgion for porn and what your husband is doing is wrong. it also sounds like more than a small problem. i would suggest getting rid of the computer.

you lack of interest is something different all together however it is something that should be addressed between the two of you. As wives we need to not be selfish or lazy in this area. it has to be a priority. but he has no reason to try and justify sin by blaming you. Good grief he could grow up a little.

[Michigan Mama]

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. I believe it is wrong, an addiction that is hard to break. You are not wrong to feel hurt.

I believe that porn violates the basic dignity of the human person, because it turns the woman into just an object, a piece of meat. And it turns the man into nothing more than an animal who is not strong enough to control his urges. imo, he should not be looking at any woman but you! He made a commitment to you to love, cherish and honor you. I'm not saying all this to get you more riled up, but just to help you see that it is important and serious. That is not how God intended marriage to be.

I believe it is possible to work through it together, but I do really believe it is as strong an addiction as drugs or alcohol. It might take some counseling to work it out. And lots of prayer. And he has to want to change.

His saying you don't make love often enough for him may be something to look at. I think marriage means putting the person you love above your own needs/wants. If you are over-worked, over-stressed, and have a lot going on, he should understand that you may not always be in the mood, or you may need a little extra attention and affection to get in teh moood. And you may need to make the extra effort sometimes. I know all about not being in the mood. I have a 2 year old and a 2 month old. Yikes! But I don't really think that is the main issue here.

I'll lift you up in prayer.

[CrunchyChristianMama]

ITA with cappuccinosmom.

It's a tricky area because pornography is so addictive to the mind and hurtful to the marriage. I would imagine that most men who struggle with it, and really want to quit, need to do more than just say they know it's wrong and will stop. For most it requires some kind of counseling and accountability with other Christian men.

I would suggest going to your pastor first. He may be able to counsel your husband or provide a referral to someone who can.

I'm so sorry mama as I'm sure you are feeling very hurt and betrayed right now. I pray that you'll be able to find restoration for your marriage and healing for you heart.

[Mama Lo]

Thanks so much Mamas
DH called me a little bit ago and apologized. He said that he knows it's wrong and he needs help with it. He has a very high sex drive and doesn't know how to control it when we're not having sex as often as he'd like.
I know this is an area that we both need help with, we have been very slothful christians lately, and I don't think that either of us have ever really learned what our roles are supposed to be in our marriage. Our church is very small and boring and while we believe very strongly in it's doctrine, they're aren't really any resources or tools available. I would like to find a class on marriage and what the Bible says we are supposed to be. Hoping we can both start making more of a commitment to learning and each other.

[BedHead]

Our Lutheran pastor told us in marriage counseling that, as long as both partners agreed to it, anything can go in the bedroom as long as it doesn't involve a third person in the flesh. This would include porn and masturbation, IF both partners were OK with it.

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by Mama Lo

Ok mamas, need your advice and thoughts on this.

Last night while on our computer, I discovered several porn sites in our computer history. Wasn't looking for it, I started typing in a web address and it started autofilling with previous sites visited. My first reaction was I was really upset. Dh blamed it on a guy from work, then after me rifling thru history and discovering 5-10 more sites, he no longer denied that he was looking at internet porn on our computer. He turned it around and blamed it on me because we don't have sex enough for him(about twice a week), and he has to have some visual stimulation to masturbate to. (sorry tmi )
1- I was upset because I didn't think that he looked at internet porn anymore, thru conv that last couple years I got the impression from him that he knew it wasn't right and he wasn't looking anymore.
2-I was upset because I hate thinking of him lusting after those images, images of other women.
3-I was really pissed because of the adware/spyware that screws up the computer from sites like that.
Btw, dh and I have been married 3+ years, will a 1yr old dd. Dh has always had a higher sex drive than me. Since responsibilities of working pt and taking care of dd I have even less interest than him. Anyways, want to know how my other fellow christians mamas feel about porn and their husband looking at it? Am I wrong to be upset or is it a sin?

You are not wrong to honor your feelings and your reaction to his lusting after other women. I would be upset over the objectification of women too. And I imagine that I would not want my children to view that by accident.

I have no advice for you but in thinking about your situation this is what I came up with. Trust your instincts, first and foremost.

I think I would invite your DH to talk about it more with you. I might ask him, gently, what he wants for his family and his daughter. I would hope that when men process the women they are looking at as someone's daughter it can be a sobering and/or humbling reality.

[ILoveSweetpea]

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. It isn't anything you are doing or not doing. It's good that your DH see's the wrong in what he is doing - that's important.

I don't know much about it, but I've heard of Everyman's Battle as some sort of support group for Christian men dealing with porn or sex addiction. It may or may not be right for your DH, but I thought I'd throw that out as an option.




ETA: Here's a link to a book: http://www.amazon.com/Every-Mans-Bat.../dp/1578563682

[merryns.mom]

my husband too has a "healthy appetite" and has in the past liked to look at things to help the process along.

how about the two of you making a date night and dressing up in some beautiful lingerie and letting him take pictures?

just a thought; good luck

[momtokimari]

Regardless of whether or not it is a sin (which I do believe it is) if it bothers you, he shouldn't do it. Before DH and I got married, I made it very clear I considered it cheating and would leave. I caught him once, and he was given his warning. He hasn't done it since. And I did check.... Now I'm lazy and I trust him anyway.

You may not want to be so drastic.

[AahRee]

While I'm not at all in favor of porn, I think the worst part of this scenario was that he was hiding it from you, and then lied to you about it. If it was something he wanted to involve you in and wanted you to be a part of with him, while I wouldn't want to do it and would work on coming up with an alternate option that worked for both of us, at least it would show he was not trying to exclude you from a part of his sexuality, and therefore detach sex from intimacy with you. That's the part of it that feels like "cheating" to my mind, I think.

My pastor wrote a little book on the topic of Christian men and porn. He's a guy, young-ish, not at all prud-ish or stuffy, but he has strong opinions on the subject, and he states them strongly and backs them Biblically. I have read it, but it says at the beginning that it was written for men, discusses things very frankly, and is not intended to be read by women. So, while I couldn't really recommend it for you, maybe your husband would read it, and it would give him some food for thought? It's available to read (free) online, or you can download it as a PDF (also free) and print it for him to read if he doesn't like reading from a computer screen.

http://relit.org/porn_again_christian/

[AahRee]

Originally Posted by Mama Lo

Thanks so much Mamas
DH called me a little bit ago and apologized. He said that he knows it's wrong and he needs help with it. He has a very high sex drive and doesn't know how to control it when we're not having sex as often as he'd like.
I know this is an area that we both need help with, we have been very slothful christians lately, and I don't think that either of us have ever really learned what our roles are supposed to be in our marriage. Our church is very small and boring and while we believe very strongly in it's doctrine, they're aren't really any resources or tools available. I would like to find a class on marriage and what the Bible says we are supposed to be. Hoping we can both start making more of a commitment to learning and each other.

I missed this post before I made mine. I'm going to PM you.

[graceomalley]

Originally Posted by BedHead

Our Lutheran pastor told us in marriage counseling that, as long as both partners agreed to it, anything can go in the bedroom as long as it doesn't involve a third person in the flesh. This would include porn and masturbation, IF both partners were OK with it.

I disagree with this because porn DOES involve someone else - the person on the screen. If someone is fantasising about someone other than their partner while masturbating it also counts as someone else Biblically. Basically it's a form of emotional cheating. Is he forsaking all others while he's lusting after those women?

[Lady Bonbon]

Originally Posted by BedHead

Our Lutheran pastor told us in marriage counseling that, as long as both partners agreed to it, anything can go in the bedroom as long as it doesn't involve a third person in the flesh. This would include porn and masturbation, IF both partners were OK with it.

That is absolutely shocking. The porn industry lives on the exploitation of usually damaged, often abused, and vulnerable women, and to condone getting your Christian marital jollies from that... it defies my ability to express outrage.

[lilyka]

I have mixed feelings about this site but it is something worth exploring if your husband is actually interested in not looking at porn any more. http://xxxchurch.com/

[Smokering]

I'm sorry. I consider it cheating - not with the same emotional wallop as cheating with a real live person, obviously (although still with considerable emotional wallop!), but with the same principles of cheating - going to someone other than the spouse for sexual fulfilment, and in your case lying to the spouse about it. Plus, the porn industry is exploitative and evil and all that.

Also, twice a week with a one year old is a far cry from never having sex. If your husband feels that if the frequency drops below X times per week he's justified in going elsewhere, that's a horrible attitude to have. In terms of his holiness, even if you never slept with him again he'd have no justification in lusting after other women. You're his wife; nobody else is.

Again, I'm sorry; I hope you two can work this out.

[cagnew]

That just sucks. I believe is porn is a sin on every level and for many reasons. My dh is frustrated that we don't have sex as often as he would like (it's about 1x a week right now), but he doesn't even consider looking at porn. He just disciplines himself. Of course, this is something he mastered before we got married (been married for 3 years). Also, our religion teaches that masturbation is wrong, and I know that he follows that teaching.

What I am trying to say is, there is no excuse. A man can discipline himself. I realize he may be addicted, so that makes it harder- but certainly not impossible. It sounds like he is willing to work on it though, so that's a good thing Just stand by his side, support him, love him, and pray for him. The rest is up to your dh and God.