4.5 yo challenges

[proudmamanow]

Dp & I have both been finding 4.5 yo dd to be very challenging lately. We’ve both frequently had the experience of her directly ignoring our requests or repeatedly doing something after we’ve asked her not to. And it pushes our buttons (which I imagine she notices on some level, as she is sensitive & bright). I really need to come up with creative ways to deal with it and not get locked into power struggles or just get really angry, neither or which reflect my parenting values & goals!

For example, last night we were getting ready to leave an LGBT playgroup we attend once a month. I had both girls in the bathroom with me, changing dd2 (1.5) and giving dd1 (4.5) the chance to go to the bathroom before the 20 min. drive home. Dd1 had gone to the bathroom and was helping dd2 wash her hands while I packed up the wet diaper, diaper bag etc. Dd2 started playing with the hot water, and at the same time dd1 decided to start switching on & off the light, plunging us into total darkness. I immediately found myself getting very frustrated with both of them, dd2 for playing with the water (which of course is totally developmentally appropriate, but the kid size sink had HOT water and I didn’t want her getting hurt), and dd1 for switching on & off the light repeatedly while I asked her over & over again not to. After getting more & more frustrated & angry & yelling at both of them I grabbed both girls and marched them out the door of the bathroom so I could finish tidying. It was dd1 who was really pushing my buttons, and though I can rationalize my behaviour, I really wasn’t happy with my reaction and I need help! I find that 75 % of the time something like this happens I am too tired/grumpy to want to be playful.

Help!

[Bridie's Mama]

I could've written your post. I'm also dealing with 4 year old defiance and ignoring and back talk. Curious to see what others have to say. I'm at my wits end and her behavior is rubbing off onto her 2 year old brother. You're not alone.

[funkymamajoy]

My 4 1/2 year old is driving me crazy too. I'm so grateful for preschool!

I have to repeat myself over and over and over again and I really hate that. If you weren't allowed to pick up the baby 5 minutes ago, what makes you think its okay now?

And turning the bathroom light off is one of the things that can just set me off.

[chamomeleon]

I belong here too. I just came to the GD forum to yell on the "Yell at this Thread" thread about my 4.5 y.o. DS.

I've been doing my best to make sure he is not hungry, tired, or otherwise provoked, but sometimes the sassy just seems to come from nowhere. I try not to get uptight, because in my experience, that sort of reaction just amps things up and makes it worse. But there are moments when, oh help me, he is just. so. STUBBORN! And it's not like him. So I talk to him about it. "Are you angry about something? Are you upset about something? Are you bored?" No, no, and no. Now, I know that at 4.5, he might not even know for sure if he is any of those things, but... Oy.

Right now he is up in his room and I am taking some "cool down" time after yet another incident where I asked him not to do something (smash play-doh on the furniture) and he went directly and did just that.

Clearly I'm no good for advice right now, just sympathy!

Strength and courage, all.

[LessTraveledBy]

Same thing here.

I remind myself that NO GROWN-UP CAN WIN A POWER STRUGGLE WITH A CHILD. The child is in the moment, and all that matters is not giving in. (I remember this feeling.) The power of the child in that situation comes from beig willig to go through anything... NO WAY to "beat" that.

Therefore, don't put yourself in that situation of a possible power struggle. If you ask something, you need to be right there holding the child's hand and helping/making sure he does it. If you don't even expect a verbal request be followed without help, you will not need to be disappointed. (And when your child knows you mean business, he is less likely to disobey later on.)

It also helps to always be playful. Instead of "Pick up your coat!!!!" I see a red fish swimming into that coat, trying to take it away... Oh no.... What can we do about it...?" The crazier the better...

Whenever we have a bad day, I look into the mirror and think more about my expectations. Normally the following day is better.

Oh... and sickness or overly tired... forget about it.

[GriffsKat]

Nothing helpful to add, just that I am there too. And so freaking frustrated!! Must be a 4yr old thing. Who says the two's are terrible? It's the fours that have my pulling my hair out!

One thing I want to know, is it a girl thing? A first born thing? I have a 4 yr old first born girl.

[marlee]

Just quickly joining up with my four year old first born girl. HELP!

[LessTraveledBy]

Originally Posted by GriffsKat

One thing I want to know, is it a girl thing? A first born thing? I have a 4 yr old first born girl.

It is a child thing.

[Erica09M]

I'd love some suggestions too. I have a first-born, 4.5 year old girl, who is very bright, very dramatic, very stubborn, and just overall a very colorful child. I feel like DH and I have been in power struggles with her (I know, not good) more often than not lately, and I'm desperate for some advice because I don't like that path we're heading down. I feel like we've tried everything under the sun, though I'm sure we must be missing something. She ignores, she says no, she back-talks, she "spits" (though not actually spitting, but more of making a raspberry sound with anger), she grunts, she stomps, etc. We have a 16 month old who is beginning to pick up on these things too

[Avarie]

So I guess my 3 1/2 year old is advanced in his development of horribly annoying behaviors??? This week has been horrible.

I can't do that ... I don't know how!
I can't say that ... I don't have a mouth!
I can't walk there ... I don't have feet!
I can't see that ... I don't have eyes!

On and on and on ...

[Erica09M]

Originally Posted by Avarie

So I guess my 3 1/2 year old is advanced in his development of horribly annoying behaviors??? This week has been horrible.

I can't do that ... I don't know how!
I can't say that ... I don't have a mouth!
I can't walk there ... I don't have feet!
I can't see that ... I don't have eyes!

On and on and on ...

We're at the "That's not fun." and "That's going to take forever." stage. It's very, very, very difficult to hear 10,000 times per day!

[Sarahfina]

My first born dd is just a couple weeks shy of 4. I guess she's getting the 4 year old "bug" already!

I came here to post the same post as OP! Only we were at the pool, and she wouldn't get her socks and boots on. After multiple attempts to help her and encourage her (although no overly playful attempts- I was stretched beyond that place!) I marched her out without socks and boots until we were through the lobby (where she screamed and everyone stared) and at the door, where I picked her up and carried her out to the car, still without boots and socks. I feel awful- its my job to make sure she's properly dressed, and I've just never experienced this with her before! Everyone stared and suddenly I was that mother angerly dragging a screaming child through a crowded public space.

I feel ashamed too. This is not how I want to parent at all. It my best moments, I am creative, playful, inspired, patient and understanding. I feel sad that my daughter is able to push my buttons so well, and that I'm not better at controlling them. She seems to dig herself further and further into it too and when I try to lighten up and offer a route for both of us out of conflict, she hits or screams or otherwise refuses to budge.

I like what Anumaria said about no adult being able to win a power struggle with a child. I need to remember that for next time and not create that struggle....

Anyway, hugs all around, its hard, I know!