FIL & MIL refuse to promise to not let DD CIO if they watch her

[Ldavis24]

So DH's father was asking when he would get to babysit DD again and DH (knowing how father and his step-mom feel) asked him if they would leave her to cry because he knows that DH and I do not do that ever with DD. We very firmly believe in AP and we have been co-sleeping since day 1.

So DH's father goes on and on about how we should let her cry and it will make her more independent (insert all the usual CIO arguments here)...DH explained that we are not comfortable leaving her with anyone who would do that to her and then he explained all the benefits of AP and exactly what it means to a baby when they are left to CIO...

So the conversation concludes with DH asking his father if we left DD with him would he let her cry it out to which FIL replies, "oh she wouldn't cry with us". Whatever that means. At this point I am of the mind that FIL and wife will no longer be babysitting DD until they can completely assure me that DD will not be left on her own to cry! DH is not so sure we should cut them out of babysitting (all the grandparents want to, it is all their first grandchild), but I just cannot stand the idea of DD crying alone in a foreign place and me being oblivious to it.

I also don't trust FIL and MIL to be honest and say that they did leave her to cry if she did start. I firmly believe that MIL would just say she hadn't made a peep.
Would you cut them out? Any thoughts, I was thinking of collecting some AP articles and giving them to FIL and MIL but would this be to forward?


Yikes, I just wanted to edit to clarify that because I am a bit distracted I didn't mean to make it seem like I would cut them out of our lives period. More like they are definitely cut off from babysitting!

[annettemarie]

There's middle ground between cutting them out altogether and letting her CIO, but you can bet anything I wouldn't be letting my baby stay with someone who told me upfront they were refusing to meet her needs.

[chfriend]

How about considering letting them babysit when she can talk and communicate clearly, say after 5 year old or so.

So, not completely, but not anytime in the near future.

[Alyantavid]

I don't see (from this post) why you'd completely cut them off. But I certainly wouldn't be leaving my child for extended periods with them.

[Storm Bride]

I wouldn't cut them out, but I also wouldn't leave my child there without me.

[Bokonon]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I wouldn't cut them out, but I also wouldn't leave my child there without me.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by Ldavis24

So DH's father was asking when he would get to babysit DD again and DH (knowing how father and his step-mom feel) asked him if they would leave her to cry because he knows that DH and I do not do that ever with DD. We very firmly believe in AP and we have been co-sleeping since day 1.

So DH's father goes on and on about how we should let her cry and it will make her more independent (insert all the usual CIO arguments here)...DH explained that we are not comfortable leaving her with anyone who would do that to her and then he explained all the benefits of AP and exactly what it means to a baby when they are left to CIO...

So the conversation concludes with DH asking his father if we left DD with him would he let her cry it out to which FIL replies, "oh she wouldn't cry with us". Whatever that means. At this point I am of the mind that FIL and wife will no longer be babysitting DD until they can completely assure me that DD will not be left on her own to cry! DH is not so sure we should cut them out of babysitting (all the grandparents want to, it is all their first grandchild), but I just cannot stand the idea of DD crying alone in a foreign place and me being oblivious to it.

I also don't trust FIL and MIL to be honest and say that they did leave her to cry if she did start. I firmly believe that MIL would just say she hadn't made a peep.
Would you cut them out? Any thoughts, I was thinking of collecting some AP articles and giving them to FIL and MIL but would this be to forward?

Riiiiiight. My kid would be spending exactly:

zero

minutes alone with these people....period.


Their attitude about this issue leaves me with the impression that not only WOULD they let her CIO...but they would do it gladly and probably would make it a point to do so, thinking that they were probably doing the kid a favor...

Never. Never would these people watch my child alone...their attitude about your parenting choices just doesn't give me warm and fuzzies. I don't like the old school "let 'em cry, it's good for them!" thing. Maybe that was fine for THEIR kids...but when it comes to MY kids and I tell you how I have decided to parent them...the appropriate response on your half of the conversation, if you ever want to spend time alone with my child, is not to go off on a misty-eyed tangent about the glory days of letting your own kids CIO and how I should too, the appropriate response is: "Okay, how do I swaddle her the right way again? Okay, okay...and if she is really upset and can't be consoled, do you want me to call you right away?" -

[annettemarie]

Originally Posted by chfriend

How about considering letting them babysit when she can talk and communicate clearly, say after 5 year old or so.

So, not completely, but not anytime in the near future.

I really like this advice. I personally didn't leave my first until he was old enough to report back to me. With subsequent kids, I have no problem leaving them as long as they're with an older sibling who can let me know about any problems.

It's not that I don't trust other people. But I recognize that we're choosing to live outside the mainstream, and that people might not understand or agree with why we do things the way we do. And that's fine, I guess. I don't want other people to do things they're uncomfortable with either. If they believe strongly in CIO, I'm not going to put them in a position where they're going to have an ethical dilemma.

[Juvysen]

MIL *did* let Ds CIO. We basically stopped leaving him with her for long enough that a nap/bedtime would be required. We'll go out for an hour or less, especially if it's mid-day, but we don't go out in the evening. She let Ds CIO that one time (he was around 13 months) and he's now past 2 and we still don't leave him for more than a few minutes with her and won't until he's comfortable going to bed without someone sitting by him (even though he now sleeps in his own bed). That said, it makes me nervous what other things she'll just "forget" to do that are some of the basics in our parenting principles. I'm honestly nervous that she might spank one of the kids. Dh thinks she wouldn't, and i think she'd need to have had them in her care for a few days before she got to that point, but we're still not comfortable leaving our kids more than an hour with her. I feel like she made her bed and can lie in it, but we never did really speak with her about it. She's quite passive agressive and it likely wouldn't make much of a difference. *sigh*

[kiwiva]

I wouldn't let them babysit. It sounds by your description like they are pretty set in their views that CIO is the right thing to do (and actually beneficial!), so I don't know if giving them anything to read would help. I would followup with him by asking, but what if she did cry and if you're not comfortable with the response- No babysitting. I could never possibly have fun if I thought DD was home being left to cry. I really don't get why gps would leave a baby to cry. I get why a parent would be driven to do so since they deal with the child day in and day out (not that I agree with it, but I could understand), but gps have them for a couple hours-hold the baby!

The other day I heard my aunt describe her experience the other night babysitting her 3 month old granddaughter (first grand child). After feeding, burping, changing, making sure she was warm, etc the baby was still crying so my aunt left her in her crib to cry because nothing was wrong with her, "she was fine" and just wanted or needed to cry or something. That is just her belief system and there would be nothing I could say or give her to read that would change her mind. If you think the inlaws have similar thinking, no way! Really it is such a short time that they are babies, they can babysit later when this won't be an issue (barring other issues, of course!). Though if I could not trust someone to be honest with me about how they would treat my kid, they would not be caring for her.

[jennygoat]

Do they live close? I was not sure if I wanted either set of DD grandparents to babysit when she was little. They live near by so I took her over to visit each set once a week. Sometimes I totally let grandma look after her while I read a book or took a nap in the same house. When she was about 1 1/5 years I felt ok leaving her with my mom alone for a few hours once a week. She is now 4 and I have left her at my moms for over night visits a few times. I am still nervous about leaving her with other gparents. Like they have suggested driving around with her not in a car seat!!! yikes!!!
Anyway, I made it clear that she was to be held if she cried and slept with at night and I believe my mom has done that.

[tjjazzy]

*hugs* i feel your pain. my MIL took it upon herself to let my LO cry it out recently. i was so sad. she was PROUD of herself b/c he slept longer than he ever has before. it was NOT her place to make my child cry in a dark room in a semi-strange house IN the same room his brother was trying to sleep in! she told us at his first bday party (which was a week before his actual bday) and i wasn't really paying attention and didn't respond the way i should have. i am so heartbroken that she was too selfish to lose some of her own sleep and she left my baby, without my permission, to cry. and i have been shocked that ppl i've told this story to seemed to think it wasn't a big deal!! to let someone else's baby cry for the simple fact that you were too selfish to deal with him anymore???? she could've called us. i don't really judge parents who use CIO on their children (but NOT infants) but for a grandmother to do that???? let's just say, OP, i understand.
btw, we've recently hired a babysitter. she started last week. otherwise, there's my mom who was appalled that my MIL had done this to my baby. my MIL will only be used for babysitting overnight if i cannot find another way.

[Ldavis24]

Dh's entire family lives around here, within 20 minutes. His father and step-mom and mother and sister. We are perfectly happy to leave her with his Mom as we have discussed the whole AP and CIO thing and while she somewhat disagrees she is very respectful of our parenting choices and is happy to go along with them.

I just don't understand what is so hard about saying, "yes I will respect what you THE PARENT want to do for your child."

[tjjazzy]

Originally Posted by Ldavis24

I just don't understand what is so hard about saying, "yes I will respect what you THE PARENT want to do for your child."

exactly! that's how my mom is. she wants to follow all of our rules and our schedule so that it is easier for everyone. my MIL? she wants to do it her way and ONLY our way IF it's convenient for her.

[crl]

Originally Posted by chfriend

How about considering letting them babysit when she can talk and communicate clearly, say after 5 year old or so.

So, not completely, but not anytime in the near future.

Yes, this. I'd be worried about other issues too, like will they feed your DD foods you don't want her to have, etc.

Catherine

[LeighB]

I would not let them care for my child until she was old enough to communicate. CIO is not an issue I will compromise on, and I would not let anyone watch my child if they didn't feel the same way.
I wouldn't cut them out for this though...that would be extreme.

[pjs]

Babysitters don't have to AGREE with my parenting methods, but they have to respect it. If they're going to do something so contrary to my parenting beliefs, then they lose the priviledge of watching my child (and yes, it is a PRIVILEDGE, not a RIGHT)

[elisent]

When I read your title my first thought was "Well, then don't let them watch her." They sound like people who will do what they feel is best, and not what you want them to do. It will probably carry over to other parenting decisions, too, and you will never know because they think what you don't know won't hurt you.

[Super~Single~Mama]

People who don't agree to follow my instructions don't get to babysit. Thats pretty much all there is to it. That said, they still get to hang out and love on my little guy - but only when me or my BF is there as well.

I wouldn't cut them out, but I wouldn't let them babysit until your little one is talking.

[limabean]

They can visit the grandkids with you present. No way would I let someone babysit who pretty much flat-out told me they were going to ignore one of the most important rules I have about parenting. And don't let them pull any "fairness between grandparents" crap on you -- if the other grandparents have demonstrated that they'll respect your parenting decisions, then that whole point doesn't fly. Tell them that your concern is the well-being of your kids, not whether everything is fair between GPs.