My 3yo needs 100% of my attention... how to handle when I also have a 4mo?

[Erinz]

My 3 year boy acts out if he doesn't have 100% of my attention 100% of the time. I'm involving him in every thing I do and I think I could handle that 100% of the time if I didn't also have a 4mo who would like some of his mother too. When the 4mo was a teeny baby I didn't feel bad just keeping him in the moby wrap or sling and just nursing him and changing his diaper. Now he is getting old enough (and sleeping a bit less) and loves to be engaged with. The difficult part is with my 3yo and his actions which can be very loud such as screeching (because I just turned my gaze from him for a split second) to getting really rough such as poking at his brother and throwing toys. Today I went into the house for a second to get him some water he had requested and was greeted by being hit with a stick as I walked over to give it to him. It's nuts right now. I've been in tears every day for a week because I'm at the end of my rope. I will admit we fell off the gentle discipline truck for a bit. I did some yelling (and I've NEVER been a yeller in my life), threatened abandonment a few times (he was screeching in the car seat to make his brother cry and then grinning about it so I asked him if he wanted to get out and live on the side of the road), grabbed him by his arms a few times to get his attention when he was really acting out ---- stuff I regret. We have all sat down together and apologized and made a family plan for a peaceful home, taking input from our 3yo. My husband and I are 100% recommitted and perhaps we have a price to pay for losing sight for a couple months? Give me your straight thoughts, I can take them!

Also, how does anyone get anything done else (and I mean make food to eat, clean up, prevent the house from becoming utter chaos) with a child who wants 100% of you? Right now he "helps" me do everything but that leaves a wake of destruction at every turn. And now he doesn't nap so there isn't any time to REALLY clean up or get dinner going or dedicate time to my 4mo.

I should also add that getting out isn't much of an option because despite my best attempts the car seat is hell for my 4mo and a guaranteed spaz session for my 3yo (complete with screeching, kicking, yelling). We live in the country so we're a good 20 minutes from most anything and 30 from things we would actually want to do. Not to mention my 3yo is also now into running off (on purpose) and it's hard for me to run with the infant strapped to me and my 3yo is FAST and opportunistic.

I think this is an unfortunate vent really... but I'd love to hear from some gd mamas who have been there, done that and have lovely children and a cohesive and safe home where everyone feels respected, connected, and loved LOL. I want that. This is HARD.

[K-Mom3]

I have a 3yo and an 11 mo and I have a similar situation--but mine is improving now! My 3yo has these moments when she'll do everything she can possibly think of to get attention and push my buttons. It seems that on some days she can never have enough attention, no matter what I do. So no, I'm not your perfect example but I have been there. I still have days like that but not as many lately.

In addition to letting dd "help" with things, I have time in everyday. I learned a new way to do time in. Get out some game or activity and sit with the child, letting them lead, not even asking questions. Give them complete control over the situation, follow their lead and give kind of a play by play of what they are doing, their expressions, what they might be thinking, etc. This gives them a lot of validation because it is so neutral.

At the end of time in, I give a warning that I'm going back to whatever activity and she'll need to do something on her own. It doesn't always work, but at least she's warned.

I let my dd have time on the computer almost every day, limited time of course. That's not an answer for everyone but my dd loves the website starfall.com and she's learning a ton from it. Or sometimes I let her watch a DVD, so I can have a little time to clean or cook dinner or whatever. To my way of thinking, 30 or 60 minutes a day isn't going to hurt her and it will help me a lot!

Does your child EVER play by himself? You could come up with a short list of options and keep him near you while you work (or pay attention to baby) starting with just 5 or 10 minutes, and give him positive feedback every minute or two. That way, you don't have to give him your full attention but you still give him validation for doing something by himself. The book "Unplugged Play" has a section for independent play activities and if I remember right, a lot of the ideas are designed for doing in the kitchen.

I worked a lot with dd on what she can do with the baby. She likes to bring a pacifier or blanket or diaper, do a song and dance routine to make the baby laugh, share her favorite toys and if she's calm enough, I let her have a turn holding the baby. When the baby was smaller, she liked to help with tummy time, too. She'd lay down on the floor and make funny faces for the baby. It helps her build a bond with the baby and that makes it easier for her to deal with time when mom needs to focus on the baby for a little while.

Don't feel bad about the yelling. You're overwhelmed and stressed and you're committed to do better. I don't think the slips will have a lasting affect on ds. All moms go through this! I do better, though, if I can get exercise and enough rest. I can't always make it happen but when I do, I'm much better at making good mommy choices. lol. I guess what I want to say is take care of yourself, mama and don't be too hard on yourself!

Good luck and hugs!

[violet]

3 yo is tough. So hard. Difficult. And kids do eventually turn 4 and grow out of a lot of the issues. Oh, so hard. And it's a time when there is often a newbie in the house too. My ds went through the toughest time from 3.5 to 4.5. There is no easy answer. Some of the best advice I was given about siblings at this age is to

1. Talk to the baby about the big brother -- where big brother can hear it. So when changing a dipe or appearing to focus on the baby, coo on and on about what cool skills big brother has and what luck baby was born in this house where brother can do XY and Z... The baby just wants to hear your voice and see your eyes but big sibling eats up the compliments. And sometimes telling the baby "No, you have to wait right now, big brother needs to play with me." -- when the baby is content and it doesn't matter a lick, the big brother loves to hear that sometimes the baby has to wait too.

2. Sometimes you have to leave the wants of the older child and tend to the needs of the younger child and older sibling just has to deal with it. And when your heart breaks remember: The older child learns so much about love and empathy and caring for another person by watching mom care for and love the baby. Even when the older child is acting out or seems to be feeling lost. Even when it looks bad and messy and there's crying and bad behavior, when the older child sees you putting the needs of the baby first and hears you verbalize why baby needs certain care, he is learning from that. And those are very important lessons.

[cheenya]

I don't have any great ideas, my situation sounds much like yours, but I wanted to say you are not alone

[YasaiMuraLife]

Yes, yes, yes to all the PP's points. Hang in there, it really does get easier. This is a transition period that your son, really your whole family, is going through. Everyone is creating and restructuring roles, which does make for a very trying time.

Let your house go during this period as much as possible. Focus on your boys and their relations - as this is built you will eventually have time for everything else. Maybe have a once per week whole family cooking day where you make soups and other easy to heat & eat dishes.

Use the 3YO'd natural self centeredness. Turn everything to do with the baby into being about the older sibling. Changing a diaper really only has a minimum to do with the actual baby, its really all about the older one who needs to entertain the baby, bring toys, fetch wipes, etc. It is more than just involving the older one, its making a "we" out of mom and older one who need to do things for the baby. This gives the older one a structure to use when figuring out the big brother role. And as the older one settles into his new role, the neediness slowly diminishes.