Avoiding the "stuff"

[ellah]

As you can tell by my post count, I am new here. I don't have children yet, but I am thinking about it. I will be honest, the thought scares me to death. I would like to believe it is possible for my home not to change as drastically as I have seen with other people. Are baby showers really necessary? Can you make it clear that you don't want tons of toys and junk for the baby? Is it possible to live with just the necessities? I don't believe for a second that boppies and all those other things are necessary. But in this day and age it seems the first thing women do when they get pregnant is register for ten thousand things at babies r us and clear out a wing of their house. I know that "a baby changes everything" but I interpret that as emotional change. Has anyone ever been successful at keeping the rest of the changes minimal or am I delusional? Everyone knows little kids are usually more interested in the box the toy came in anyway. I had toys as a kid but I remember building "tents" out of couch cushions and blankets. My bath toys were a giant cup and a strainer. Now everyone has these multi-colored "activity center" things the kid plays with for a week. I have friends who have bins upon bins of toys stacked in their living and dining rooms. It seems to me to be the norm. This seems like a pretty progressive group of women. Please tell me success stories about avoiding the "junk."

[NellieKatz]

I haven't exactly triumphed over "stuff" because we are very creative and artsy here; the house is awash in things that can be used to make things. It's like living in a craft store. Most of it from yard sales, the recycle center, etc. Also, Freecycle and yard sales have allowed us to have tons of fun with toys at little expense (which makes it easier to give them away when the child doesn't like them any more), and the books...well, the books are taking over the house. But that's us...we are homeschoolers.

All that being said, however, we totally avoided the "baby stuff industry". I am so happy you brought this up! I think they take advantage of new mothers who think that they need so much stuff. It's true; when you are a new mother, you have all these astonishing new experiences and it leads you (erroneously) to feel on some level like these conditions and needs last forever, but the different stages pass so quickly, and gadgets are by & large not needed. Here is an example to make my point: I am so glad I never fell prey to the urge to buy a "baby food grinder" or "baby wipes warmer." Or even a changing table or a crib for that matter! (we were co-sleepers, then he went to his own normal futon mattress on the floor, and when he was old enough we put it up on a regular bed frame....and as for the changing table we just got one of those pads that are sort of curved so the baby doesn't roll away, and that turned out to be VERY useful because we took it whenever we went visiting while he was tiny and roll-y. We could put him in it and it was his sort of "island"). We never bought him a mobile...we just made our own. It doesn't take much to entertain a baby. :-) The diaper genie was an utter waste of space.

There were very few real "essentials" (a Maya Wrap sling being the very best one of them). I had a few objects that we really enjoyed: the bouncy chair, the rocking chair, the high chair. All of them obtained at yard sales or given to us as gifts, and all of them gone when he outgrew. Even the famed Pack N Play which we seriously lusted after, turned out to be a letdown. He hated it.

Baby gates proved a lifesaver; also many many packages of those tiny baby facecloths. Boy do they go through those!! But "baby products" like soaps and lotions? Most of them are utterly useless AND if you read the ingredients, harmful. And how many "receiving blankets" does a person really need? And the impractical little clothes. Yikes. Like a baby bathrobe. I am here to tell you babies don't wear bathrobes, no matter how cute they are.

To answer your question, baby showers can be very useful. But unless the people coming to the shower know your values very well, you CAN end up with mountains of junk you don't need or want. For example, it would be useful if you had a baby shower and people bought you useful stuff, like packages of facecloths, onesies in a variety of sizes, tubes and tubes of Desitin, nursing pads (if you're nursing), cloth diaper "pants" (those things that you velcro on over the cloth diaper) in varying sizes if you are a cloth diaper person, or disposables if you use those, and some really BASIC baby toys that will last him/her forever. (My guy is six and he still has his blocks and his nesting cups and nesting boxes....that's the type of toy that grows with a kid and his imagination). And *NO* teething toys that are made of soft plastic; too dangerous (see www.ewg.org) But it's so often that the givers don't really take all this into account and you do end up with a mountain of stuff that's pretty awful. That's what gift receipts are for :-)

But whether you wind up with a house full of kid stuff really depends a LOT on your own attitude toward "stuff" and how easy YOU find it to get rid of it. We don't have that much money, and I was raised with a "scarcity model" of life anyway, so I tend to keep stuff "in case we need it later." It's true. He will go through a phase of loving a toy, and then months will pass where I think he's done with it, and just as I'm thinking of giving it away, he wants to start again--it becomes his passion once again. As a result, it's harder for me & my son to get rid of things, and clutter is a challenge. Some folks are unsentimental and can toss stuff quite easily, knowing that later on if they need it (or something like it), either their bank account is big enough for them to buy it again OR the universe is abundant enough to make it miraculously appear again, affordably.

I may be rambling a bit but I'm being asked to go play Kitty Island, so I must run along! :-)

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Seems like your post is talking about two things.

1. Can you avoid a lot of unnecessary "stuff" when having children? Yes, you can. Children don't actually need that much stuff, as you said, they can play with just about anything and be happy doing so. At least for a while, until they start having friends.

2. Is it possible to have a child and not have your home change drastically? Well, not really, in my opinion. I guess it depends on what you mean by drastically. Children are busy creatures and need to get into stuff. They will pull everything off your bookshelves, they love to create and experience, all your expensive fragile things will have to go away for a few years, you'll have to babyproof quite a bit, the furniture will get stained and drawn on and peed on, and you'll want to make your home as much yours as your child's, which means it meets his needs as much as it meets yours only he won't take care of it as well as you do.

Things will change drastically. Your own priorities will change drastically. And having more or different belongings isn't the biggest part of that change at all.

[Wild Lupine]

You know, a 'Experienced moms: what did you really need, what did you really not need?' would be an awesome thread. Because it is a very rare family that needs nothing. But until you've been there it can be hard to know what you'll find useful and what will simply take up space. I laughed at the example of a boppy, because I thought it was an unnecessary money-waster until someone gave me one. It was so wonderful and helpful that it's as essential to me as a wrap and a car seat!

Depending on your family and friends, it may not be easy to avoid the 'stuff'. Some people just have in mind what they want to get for you and won't be dissuaded. I was not successful in getting mine to avoid giving me loads of plastic crap that ended up at the thrift store, so I won't offer my lame advice. It obviously isn't effective! Have you seen this issue of Mothering? There's an article about this very topic, "Your Sustainable Baby Shower", you might find helpful.

[ellah]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

Things will change drastically. Your own priorities will change drastically. And having more or different belongings isn't the biggest part of that change at all.

Yes, this terrifies me. Truthfully I am still undecided.

But back on topic, the good thing is I have no breakables or fancy collections of anything, and between my husband and dog our house is pretty worn in. The bad thing is am sentimental and a nostalgia junkie. I'd rather avoid getting stuff at all than having to part with it later.

[cappuccinosmom]

Eh. Parenting is what you make of it. You can go whole-hog into the baby industry, or you can live a pretty spartan life.

We really avoided a lot of the toys and extraneous stuff. Strollers spent so much time in the basement they got mildewed. I didn't haul around a bucket seat, the sling was great for that. I tried using a swing but none of mine liked it, so that went. Actually, the boppy was one of the few marketed baby items that I really, really loved. It allowed me to read and write on the computer when nursing.

Now that my kids are older, it's still not that bad. We don't have piles of toys, or stuff all over the house. They have only books in their bedroom, and one specific place to store toys in the living room. They've been taught to pick up after themselves before moving on to something else. And at the moment, they really only play with legos and trains anyway. Everything else was packed up for a move, and I haven't bothered to unpack it--they never missed it.

[alexsam]

I agree with Bellingham. Sure, you don't need a lot of "stuff", but... everything does change. Thinking your house will stay the same is not a reasonable expectation. And, it will be the last thing on your list if you have a baby. And, emotionally everything will change too.

The change idea can be scary. But the experience of motherhood is so transformational and amazing... My boys have completly changed the direction of my life. And I am so thankful.

[liliaceae]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

Things will change drastically. Your own priorities will change drastically. And having more or different belongings isn't the biggest part of that change at all.

:

[Bokonon]

I have a lot of the "stuff". Some was second-hand, a few things were purchased new. Is it all necessary? No, but convenience is a luxury when you have an infant.

The Boppy may seem silly, but when you spend literally hundreds of hours nursing your baby, comfort is important, and $30 is reasonable for that IMO. After I stopped using it for nursing my son, it helped him learn to sit up. I'm using the same Boppy for nursling #2. It's helped me successfully, and comfortably, nurse 2 preemies in and out of the NICU, and having my hands free to work on latch was key.

The bouncer is a lifesaver when your baby spits up a lot. Sometimes you do have to put your baby down, for such frivolous activities as eating and peeing. And when your baby has reflux and/or is a spitter, if you put them on a blanket on the floor, they may end up rolling around in their spitup.

They don't go from being born to playing in cardboard boxes. There are toys, that while not mandatory, encourage babies to develop things like fine motor skills.

[D'sMama]

I was anti-stuff too. I find most new or popular baby/kid toys garish and annoying. I hate battery-operated crap and brightly colored plastic stuff and all manner of baby containers (playmats, playpens, bucket seats, strollers, cribs, bassinets, swings, bouncers, exersaucers, etc.). I didn't register for anything or have a baby shower. Honestly, depending on how "crunchy" you end up being, the only things you REALLY TRULY NEED for a baby are some clothes, some diapers (even if you EC), and some kind of sling or carrier (and a car seat if you drive). Everything else is extra and only for convenience, even cribs, strollers, changing tables, and all the other stuff that the registries deem "essential". But what you'll find is that it's nice to have some convenience in your life. No, you don't need a Boppy, but it may save your back and shoulders and help you nurse more comfortably. The bouncer in the bathroom allowed me to pee and shower when DH was at work. And so on. Everyone has different needs, so the best advice is to get the basics and then see what you need or want after the baby comes.

Once you have a baby, life changes and your priorities change, and you start to revel in the stuff that they like. Because it's not about you and your house anymore, it becomes about your family. So now I'm glancing around the living room right now, noting the various bins and piles of toys, baby carriers slung on the backs of chairs, diapers on the table, even a little potty right in front of the TV . And none of it phases me anymore.

[morganlefay]

I don't know if our house is a "success story," but I could identify with your post because getting overwhelmed with stuff was a great fear of mine when I got pregnant! DH and I are simple people and not materialistic. I don't think I got caught up in the whole baby industry propaganda thing, but we did end up buying (almost ALL secondhand, btw) or receiving (mostly from my mom, and again, used items) a LOT of baby stuff. I don't really think it's possible to know what you'll need or want until you get there because every kid is different. We ended up with a very high-needs baby who is now a pretty intense toddler, and believe me, when you have a child like DD, you will do (or buy) ANYTHING that helps to keep them happy, even for just 5 minutes. For example, DD had colic for four months and I do not know what I would have done without her swing! Also, I had this great natural-mama plan to use only a simple sling to carry her in--guess what--she hated it!! She preferred a Snuggli front carrier in her early months and then a backpack later on. Here are some things we discovered:

USELESS AND/OR SHE HATED IT:
Pack n Play
walker (the kind they sit in)
Boppy (I discovered I am too short waisted to use a Boppy and it was actually interfering with DD's latch, lol
Bumbo--liked at first, but only used for 2 weeks

VERY USEFUL:
cradle swing
backpack (we still use it on hikes)
stroller (she actually hated it at first but now loves it--we have a jogging stroller)
yoga ball for bouncing to sleep
walker that lets baby push it standing up

This is probably more than you wanted to know, but I guess my point is that every kid is different, and once I had a baby my life revolved around keeping her content. My house has changed a lot--it is small and there is quite a bit of clutter, but DD loves her toys and books, although she also loves playing with cardboard boxes and leaves outside. I guess my main advice would be to not spend too much money on stuff to begin with (you can get TONS of baby stuff used, which is also better for the environment) but stay open to the possibility of acquiring what you may need. Then, if you don't need it, sell it or donate it and help another family. If you have a shower, like a PP mentioned, register for super-practical stuff like baby care items, nursing pads, nursing tank tops (I love these and they're hard to find used), cloth diapers if you plan to use these. If there's one thing I've learned from being a parent, it's that sometimes we have to let go of our preconceived notions and just go with the flow--adapt and follow our instincts. You'll get a lot of support on MDC in doing that

[prothyraia]

I know there have been threads on what you actually need for a baby before, I just can't find any of them right now.

If my house burned down and I was going to have a baby next week, this is what I would I would need: car seat, sling/carrier of some kind, diapers, some infant clothing. And I would want a bouncy seat and baby gates for when s/he's mobile.

Now, we haven't been successful in keeping the junk at bay because there are grandparents :, but my 1 year old and my 3 year old just spent the evening playing in the "jungle" I made for them out of all the fake trees and plants scattered around the house, quicksand out of a tan blanket, and rocks/mountains out of pillows and couch cushions.

Even with a largish amount of children's toys, you can keep it from looking as if your house has turned into a preschool if you have a place to put them where they're out of sight. Makes cleanup easier, too.

The other trick is, once you reach critical mass, to institute a "one toy in, one toy out" policy and get rid of one thing every time you receive another gift.

[NiteNicole]

I had lots of good junk-free intentions before the baby. Then she was born (almost a full month early) and wouldn't stop screaming and throwing up (reflux) and let me tell you, it humbled me. There was not a thing I wouldn't try or buy if I thought she would get some peace. She hated the swing and bouncy chair, needed to be held upright or she'd throw up (Bobby, you saved my arms). She wouldn't sleep in the Amby, couldn't be in a sling at first (hip dysplasia).

At least as they outgrow stuff you can get rid of it, so you do get some space back.

I agree that the average baby probably needs very little, but sometimes babys throw you a curveball and it's easier to have a few extras for a little while and get rid of them later. Sadly, they're only little for a little while

[GuildJenn]

I agree with what everyone's said in this thread. You don't need everything, but sometimes you don't know what you'll need 'til you're there.

I found a few things:

- no you don't have to be materialistic, and you still set the tone for your family. That said, people are generous, and it's not about them being materialistic - it's about them wanting to welcome your baby. That doesn't mean you're obligated to take things you don't want or need, but it is a useful way to reframe your resentment about it being offered.

- It's great to have principles and plan to live like people who live in a hut in Africa or whatever... truly. However, it's also nice to get a shower and sometimes a gadget will buy you 20 minutes, and you don't have to always make life difficult. I have fond memories of talking to my son while he was in the swing while I washed the kitchen floor. This is the same reason I wore him too.

- Most baby stuff is short-lived which means a) there's a lot of it around in good condition used and b) people have basements and attics full and if you just put it out that you are thinking of trying a swing/bouncy chair/wrap/etc. quite often you can have one loaned to you. So you don't have to add to landfill or break the bank.

- Even if it feels overwhelming, baby stuff is not forever and you can get it out of your house pretty quickly. Playmobil on the other hand, is forever.

- I totally agree that out of all the changes in your life, this one, while highly symbolic and a symptom of our consumer culture that it's something people latch onto (on both ends of the spectrum), is not the biggest.

[Squrrl]

I guess in some ways I am a "success story" in the stuff department, but with huge caveats for the questions you're actually asking.

Most of our rooms look more or less like they did pre-baby, with the addition of a piece of furniture here or there. The dining area is the same except for the booster seat, which is not garishly colored, thank god. The kitchen is the same except for a little cabinet. The library is the same except for a little table and chairs (and doors on all the bookshelves!). The living room is the most altered (besides, of course, the bedroom, which after all now houses three, not two) because that's where her play area is, but even so, it's only about a third of the room that's different--a set of shelves and a couple of baskets with toys, which are pretty minimal and rotated out as they are outgrown/replaced.

That said, though, the whole feel of the house is still different--visually, mostly because of the small toys and discarded bits of toddler clothing scattered over every flat surface three feet tall or less. But, as has been said, no matter how much stuff you get (and in fact there are baby products I wish I'd bought that I didn't), it's still going to be among the least of the changes you go through. And no, the changes aren't mostly emotional. I mean, certainly, that changes completely. But so does every waking moment of your life (and suddenly there are a lot more of those), your body, you relationships...everything. If that's scary, sorry. It is.

[Storm Bride]

I'm going to go with this approach:

Originally Posted by prothyraia

If my house burned down and I was going to have a baby next week, this is what I would I would need:

I'd say:
Car seat
Carrier (I like the Ergo - have never really used a sling, but they seem great)
Diapers
Clothes (a few each of onesies/diaper shirts and sleepers)
A fairly heavy baby blanket (for in the car seat...and even the Ergo, if it's cold enough)
Receiving blankets/flat cloth diapers - about 10. I use these for everything - wiping up spit up, as a blanket, as a shade for baby when nursing, sometimes as an emergency change mat (if I have to put baby down on something cold), etc.

I could easily get by with just those things.

I also like to have a swing. My kids have all enjoyed it, and the more kids I have, the more I like having somewhere I know I can put her down and she'll be happy long enough for me to get her brother dressed, wash the dishes, deal with whatever's on the stove, etc.

I've used a stroller quite a bit, but how much has varied wildly from baby to baby. With ds1, a stroller was more of an essential for me than a car seat, because we mostly didn't have a car, and I used the stroller for shopping, walking to visit friends a couple miles away, etc.

I've never owned a change table, nor wanted one. (My most common location for changing diapers in this place is on top of the washing machine.)

I got a crib second hand that we used with ds1, but mostly for plunking him down for a few minutes to pee or whatever.

I've never used a boppy, but my shoulders are pretty trashed these days, so I'm thinking I might give one a whirl.

I've never used a bouncy seat.
I've never used a baby bath tub.

There are a lot of useful tools/toys out there. How essential they are really depends on the people using them, yk?

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

There are a lot of useful tools/toys out there. How essential they are really depends on the people using them, yk?

And also on the layout of the house. I find myself turning to and/ or wishing for different gadgets, depending on whether we are at home, at my parents', at my FIL's, or elsewhere.

Except the Ergo and the bouncy seat, I wanted those everywhere!

[Theoretica]

Can I just say I can't imagine going through infancy without a boppy? That thing has saved my back for the past eight years!!! We don't need a crib, swing, or other 'baby' stuff. The baby sleeps with us, there's one shelf on the bookshelf with a couple baskets of some blocks and animals, so we aren't overloaded with junk or anything. But the boppy? OMG it's a lifesaver!

Just sayin'

[baglady]

You can avoid the baby stuff industry to be sure. However, the saying "one man's trash is another man's treasure" really applies to baby stuff. Some people love the boppy while others (like me) never use it. Some people love (like me) the pack and play; others hate it. You get the idea. You can certainly raise a baby without stuff, but some stuff is really helpful. The problem is, you may have to go through things you don't use to get to those wonderful essentials.

I'm sure it's possible to have a house where there is no evidence of children (boxes of toys, etc.) but what fun is that for the poor kid? Plus, if you take the plunge and have kiddos, I can almost guarantee that a toy box in the dining room will seem totally natural and you will smile when you remember how much you thought it would bother you.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Theoretica

Can I just say I can't imagine going through infancy without a boppy? That thing has saved my back for the past eight years!!! We don't need a crib, swing, or other 'baby' stuff. The baby sleeps with us, there's one shelf on the bookshelf with a couple baskets of some blocks and animals, so we aren't overloaded with junk or anything. But the boppy? OMG it's a lifesaver!

I'd never even heard of a boppy until after ds2 was born (read about them here).

Maybe if I'd used a boppy, I wouldn't need the swing!