Have you read 'Siblings Without Rivalry' by Adele Faber&Elaine Mazlish.
It is a FAB book - and so easy and enjoyable to read (which can make a difference). So much so, you will fly right through it, so its good to buy so you can have it to pick up and read often as a great refresher.
I think the first thing that it takes for
your sanity, is a change in perspective. I will quote from the book, because I feel this is a good thing to highlight:
Quote:
"Where had I heard those words before? Only I was crazed on the subject. I was going to see to it personally that my two boys become friends. AS a result I found myself on an emotional roller coaster. Everytime they played together nicely, I would elate. I'd think 'there! They do like each other. I'm a wonderful mother.' And everytime they fought, I would despair. 'They hate eachother, and it's my fault!'. One of the happiest days of my life was the day I gave up the 'good friends' dream and replaced it with a more realistic goal.
The woman seemed confused. 'I'm not sure I know what you're getting at, she said'.
Instead of worrying about the boys becoming friends, I explained, I began to think about how to equip them with the attidues and skills they'd need for all their caring relationships. There was so much for them to know. I didn't want them hung up all theri lives on who was right and who was wrong. I wanted them to be able to move past that kind of thinkign and learn how to really listen to eachother, how to respect the differences between them, how to find the ways to resolve those differences. Even if their personalities were such that they could never be friends, at least they would have the power to make a friend and be a friend.
The woman was taken aback. I could see why. It had taken me a long time to make peace with what I had just summed up for her so swiftly." |
This is what the book is about. I think its realistic and healthy. I think if we set out with unrealistic goals for our children - then that is where we can start to feel like it will destroy the family. If it doesn't do that, it will certainly do your head in!
The book covers so much great stuff.
1). Bad feelings. Its okay to have them. Its even better to use our words and talk about them. Children can do this safely with their parents. And parents can respond unconditonally by validating their feelings with respect and understanding and sometimes helping our children use better words and express what they really feel without undermining them and putting them down (or putting their sibling down to help put the up).
2). How to avoid creating unnessasiry rivalry between our children. Avoiding comparisons (favourable and unfavourable). And how to avoid putting children in 'roles'.
3). Equal is less. How to treat our children the
same, because it is imposible to always treat them equally. (that alone can drive anyone loopy).
4). Fighting - how to intervene helpfully (and how not to always intervene!). Helping our children to resolve conflict.
5). Making peace with the past. Moving on.
I will also suggest Naomi Aldorts 'Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves' because it it just a fab parenting book all around. It covers siblings briefly - but the rest of it is so very important, no matter how many children you have. Mostly the part about raising yourself. Cause its important to know why stuff bugs us and to heal from our own childhood - so that we can not bring that into our childrens and raise them the way we feel is best!
I think ive become a bit of a buhddist as a mother... One important skill I think to have is to get things into perspective (whats really important/what really matters and makes a difference) and let a lot of the bad stuff just wash over you.
