SO MAD at my husband

[bananabee]

Just need to vent. Can't go into it all. Super long story. Just so mad.

[mommyfied]

I think the pregnancy hormones make it even harder.

[kbcain]

so sorry for your problems with DH.

i just wanted to second that pregnancy hormones make it all so. much. worse.

hang in there. you'll love him again, i promise!

[bananabee]

Hormones may fuel the fire, but I am totally justified right now, and I just can't believe what an idiot he can be and how hard he's made life for me recently, and how does he expect me to just relax and let everything go to hell especially when we have a baby on the way? As you can see from my siggy, I'm in a tough situation. The main issue is that he won't ask his/our friends for help even when they've made it clear they'd love to help out (house repairs/painting, dog sitting, spending time taking care of bedridden me), yet HE wouldn't even help me paint the house that WE are trying to sell. He got mad at me for bringing up the subject last night. wouldn't discuss it. If the hospital arranges home care for me, I'll need friends to help w/cooking and getting food for me b/c I'm not going to be able to do much more than stay in bed until after surgery. DH is too busy w/school & Navy duties to take care of our dog, much less me.

Anyway, I just don't understand his unwillingness to admit we need friends to help. It will be okay, tho. I have friends who will spread word of our needs and will pull our little community together in spite of him. He won't mind that after he sees how much people really care about us. It'll be a learning experience for him.

[peachsara]

That is definately maddening. Obviously there is some deeper issue going on with him, but who knows what it is? I know that alot of men have issues with asking others for help, but y'all really need it. IDK, maybe he is just trying to deal with everything that has gone on lately. I'm not trying to defend him, just find some reason for his childishness.

I definately think you are justified in your anger. On a normal day, I would be furious. Pregnant and on bedrest? I would be throwing bedpans at his head.

[bananabee]

Yeah, ITA it must be a deeper issue that maybe he can't even understand in himself. Wish I could've thrown a bedpan at him, but he's been sick and unable to visit me in the hospital since two days after I got here. That's been probably for the best, as I might have hurt my back even more.

*sigh* He's coming to see me tonight.

[bananabee]

Ladies, I simply do NOT understand what is going on here. I married a man who's family called "Gentle Josh" when he was little, because he was so compassionate and atuned to others. I was injured 2 mos before our wedding, called him from 2000 miles away to let him know I couldn't walk, and his immediate response was, "Don't worry, dear, I'll take care of you. Everything's going to be fine." That's the man I married, and he did take good care of me for the many months I couldn't walk. What a wonderful guy. I've seen how caring he is toward his sisters, especially.

Flash forward to this week. I came home from the hospital to a house that was a filthy disaster. I send him off to fill my Rxs and with a walker, try to get to the bathroom. The floor is littered with all sorts of things, making it near impossible to get through...okay if I go into all the stupid details this will take too long.

So I'm home from the hospital, stuck in a hospital bed day & night, with a walker to help me get to a raised toilet seat in the bathroom. I'm not really supposed to get up for anything else. The walking just creates more wear & tear on my back/hip injury, which in turn will make surgery more difficult. A male nurse came by a few days ago and explained all of this to DH. DH still doesn't seem compassionate at all towards me ("I have a life!") and when I ask him to do simple things that will only take a couple minutes, he feels it's his place to judge whether or not it really needs to be done, and most of the time refuses. Tonight when I got upset that he refused to help me fix something on my bed that was causing discomfort right where I'm in the most pain, he got right in my face and actually threatened to take away the plate of food he had just handed me. He even reached for the plate. I could NOT believe he is treating me this way!!! What the hell?!!! I'm PREGNANT, and he wants to take food out of my mouth, and that of his child?? Is he insane?!!! I told him I couldn't believe how he's acting and if that's the way he's going to be, I want a new husband. He said "Go find one!" As if I couldn't?!!!! GAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! As soon as this baby is out of me and I can walk again, I may do just THAT!! After he tried to take away my food, I spent about 5 minutes screaming "I hate you" as he walked away to the far end of the house and have been sobbing and crying for the last few hours.

I realize he's just an idiot male when it comes to certain things, but how can it be that as my husband, he prefers to disregard my feelings/requests/desires/needs and leave me sobbing helplessly rather be my partner and help me get through what is already a nightmare experience?? How am I going to survive this?

His grandmother, the matriarch of the family, said she'd come down to see me/us this week. I told her some of what has been going on, and she said it sounds like he needs a real kick in the pants. So maybe she'll be able to make him come around.

[Sonnet]

None of this sounds very good. This isn't minor stuff. He sounds like he's being just awful, and not a temporary in-a-mood kind of awful, but the kind that should send up red flags - BIG red flags.

[bananabee]

I have to agree with you. It's like he's power-tripping after having me out of the house for 2 wks, and now I'm an invalid he can lord his power over. My sister pulls the same kind of crap in similar situations, and when she does I just cut her out of my life.

It just hurts so bad to see this in the "wonderful man" I married who's been so good to me up until now, with just the exception that he's been an jerkhole about the house and wouldn't help me fix it up to sell. That I attributed to his log cabin upbringing in Alaska and his lack of awareness that staging a house increases it's selling value by significant amounts and he just thinks I'm crazy. Even about that, he finally gave me the okay to spend whatever I thought was necessary to finish what he calls "my project".

I never ever saw this type of thing coming. He's also been drinking a bit more, so maybe that dulls his compassionate side. THAT is something I can bring up that he might actually consider, because we've discussed that before, and he'd quit buying alcohol for a couple months at a time.

One thing I do find odd is he isn't super stressed out about his honors physics classes...this and next are supposed to be his hardest semesters, and then he graduates. So freaky weird.

[NicolleLynne]

You poor thing! What an awful thing to have to go through and when you're pregnant no less! It's hard to offer advice, not knowing your husband personally but it does seem odd that a kind, caring man would suddenly turn cruel and inconsiderate. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd suggest that perhaps, he's scared? I've known more than a few strong, "manly" types who when confronted with difficult situations beyond their control, show fear by acting all gruff and mean. It's like it's easier to be a jerk than express vulnerability. From your description of him, it sounds like he's a good man who loves you very much but is dealing with his feelings in an exceptionally poor way. The fact that there's alcohol in the mix is really troubling as well.

I hope that grandma's able to come put a little "fear of God" into him because whatever his reasons for acting this way, it has to stop. It's no good for you or your little one. Please take care yourself, be well and keep us updated. You're in my prayers...

[LisaSedai]

Wow. I am sorry you are going through this. You guys are under a super amount of stress right now and it's not bringing out the best in him for sure. Would he be open to going to a marriage therapist?

If he's not willing to help you around the house and keep it picked up, you should ask some of your friends to do it. Some people can tolerate a horrendous amount of trash and clutter and don't see what the big deal is when it drives neater people around the bend.

[laangel]

You poor, poor thing. Sounds like you're really going through the mill!!
I'm not sure if you are looking for advice or just venting! Sounds like he is, for whatever reason, being totally unreasonable and actually fairly abusive towards you.
Remember what your limits and boundaries are within the relationship. I know you are in a really tough place, but if this is behaviour would be unacceptable to the non-injured, non-pregnant you, then it has to be unacceptable now. Remind him/ tell him what you will and will not tolerate (name calling/ taking things away/ shouting in your face... what ever it is for you) and have the consequence for him if he crosses that boundary (i.e. you will ask him to leave/ call his family... whatever you need to happen). You will have to be prepared to follow through though if he crosses the boundaries.
It sounds like you have a really great support network, use it, if he doesn't need support that's his choice, but you do need it right now, and that really is your choice, not his.
I'm so sorry you're having a hard time, stay strong!! Sounds like you are an incredible woman and I really admire the strength in you!
Sending you lots of big supportive hugs
Laura x x

[Treasuremapper]

I'm not in your ddc, but this sounds really bad. Can you go stay with your own family ? (maybe not your sister). You deserve better, mama.

[Traceround]

The man needs a Come to Jesus talk, STAT. This is not healthy. at. all.

He is in the Navy, yes? Does he deploy? Is there something going on workwise that could be making him get superstressed and increase the drinking and the jerky behavior?

Because this has to stop. Period. He has no right to treat you this way. Even if you weren't bedridden and pregnant, NOBODY deserves to be treated like that. His control freak problem is not going to get better unless he reverses this cranial-rectal inversion he has going on right now.

I wish you the best.

[henny penny]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. How long have you been married, if I may? Have you seen any clues to his abusive behavior before (personal abuse, like getting in your face and threatening)?
I, too, am concerned about the alcohol and know all too well how it can quickly change a person and a relationship. I would involve your family and his family asap, close friends, too. Let them know details about what is going on and for your own security and peace of mind get a plan together to ensure you will be cared for if he goes "awol". Hopefully, you won't need to implement your plan, but your safety net will be ready. I suffered alone in a difficult relationship with dh for years and now realize my mistake. Only when I involved friends and family did things start to turn around for us. You may have to distance yourself emotionally for a while until this is resolved or smooths out a bit. So you can think clearly and better care for yourself and prepare for all you have ahead.
You are under a tremendous amount of stress and need to put yourself first. Now is the time to ask for help. I'm glad to hear you are.

[bananabee]

(sorry if this post is confusing. I started writing this last night...finished this morning, then read the latest posts but can't respond to all right now. My elbow tendinitis gets bad if I type too much)


I asked him via ichat, since we're on opposite sides of the house, if he really would have taken my food away.

His response: you need to understand that neither I nor anyone else owes you anything. I took time out of my day to make you food, and ten seconds later you called me an asshole for not doing something else for you. you're damn right I would've and should've taken that plate away from you. What right did you have to my freely given effort? I have zero sympathy for someone who is ungrateful for the help they receive.

I don't understand his perspective at all...we're married, aren't we? He wouldn't take 30 seconds to help me fix the bed so it would stop pressing on my sorest spot, so yes, I called him an asshole. I shouldn't have, but he looked so angry at me for even asking, then begging when he refused to help.

Part of me has always sensed he didn't understand what it really means to be a husband. I think this "freely given effort" crap stems from some book he read about everyone living for their own interests and not doing anything selflessly. To some extent I can understand it, but it doesn't fit with our marriage vows at all and he never talked like that until several months into our marriage.

He also says: freely given effort is one expression of both love and compassion. But I think you rely on people having compassion for you in order to get them to do what you want them to. I've seen it with me, your friends, the nurses & doctors, and both our families. Helping you with one thing invariably turns into helping you with twenty things, and you are so PICKY about how each of them must be done. And no, you do not say thank-you very often. I very often start talking to you feeling very loving and compassionate towards you, and within ten minutes you've treated me so rudely and acted so ungratefully that I feel nothing but bitterness.

I don't get what he thinks is wrong and rude and I always make a point to say thank you...I apologized though, and will keep an eye on my behavior and see if I can identify and change what he's talking about. Hmm.

I was writing this post last night when I got the idea to approach him via ichat again and find out more about what's going on. We were able to work through some of this last night, mainly because he couldn't hear me bawling from the other side of the house, he saw what I said as "rational". I think we've resolved some important things, and we both saved the conversation. We intend to talk things out like that in the future, and this way there won't be any "he-said/she-said, you just don't remember" arguments.

Also, later when we talked face to face, he admitted he does see that I make a lot of effort some days to show how thankful I am for help. We ended the night with hugs & kisses and both feeling more hopeful about the situation. He admitted he's as scared as I am about me going into surgery and the risk of miscarrying our baby.

So....things are good today....I think this is a good start, and I'm hiring a gal to cook/clean, so that should take a huge amount of stress off us both. And maybe one of these days he'll stop thinking like a teenage boy and think of himself more as a family man. I'm praying we'll have a little girl who will melt her daddy's heart and get those caring protective male instincts to kick in.