DH won't stop with the "horror" stories...

[skekelee]

Hi everyone, I'm 20w1d with my first LO and am planning on a homebirth, and just need some encouragement and positive words.

My DH and I have had several long conversations about my desire to hb, and he has agreed that it might be a better situation for us. He's watched "Business of Being Born" and listened to both me and my midwife talk about the dangers of (unnecessary) intervention, etc. etc. So in that sense he is supportive of my decision, but regardless, he won't stop inundating me with bad birth stories!

He'll tell me how he talked to another husband whose wife labored for 50 hours and passed out from the pain, or how his sister says it was by far the worst pain she's every felt, etc. He just keeps trying to "remind" me of how "hard" it's going to be, and that there won't be anything he can do to help me.

The other night, it sort of came to a head for me. He's a lawyer, and the other night he brought home our city's local law magazine that has a section that outlines all the medical malpractice rulings from the previous month. He went through and circled all the birth-related ones (there were many!) "not to freak me out" - as he said - but just to make sure that I'm well aware of the dangers of birth and how "things can go horribly wrong." He thinks I'm being a bit naive when I talk about how birth is a natural and normal process that my body is designed to do; he thinks that may be true, but look at all the problems out there!

Now, he realized that out of all of those listed rulings, only ONE was a non-hospital birth with a midwife, and it wasn't very specific about what actually happened (baby ended up with neurological problems and cerebral palsy, etc.). The rest of the problems HAPPENED IN HOSPITALS! When I pointed this out, and asked what purpose there was to giving me this information - because obviously being in a hospital does NOT mean a perfect, healthy birth - he again just said he wanted me to "be aware."

I'm studying Hypnobabies (which DH is fine with but is very doubtful of) and I am trying to surround myself with positive stories and information. I know that the more scared or fearful I am, the higher the amount of tension (and possibly pain) I will experience. He thinks I'm "brainwashing" myself to believe that it's not going to hurt and that it could be a wonderful experience, when all he's ever heard is how horrible it is. He just doesn't want me to be shocked at how bad the pain is. I know he's trying to help, but I don't know how to tell him to STOP with all the negative stories! I KNOW all the bad stuff already. I'm trying to fill my mind with the GOOD stuff!

Has anyone else had this issue? How did you deal with it?

TIA,
Stephanie

[lilbsmama]

I think you need to remind your husband of that rule we all knew growing up: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

[lynsage]

Originally Posted by lilbsmama

I think you need to remind your husband of that rule we all knew growing up: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

Tell him he's freaking you out and stress is bad for you and the baby, so he's doing more ACTUAL harm to you than whatever good he thinks he's doing filling your head with this crap.

Or... go through the paper and find stories about people who have had car accidents, been struck by lightning, etc. and stick them in his face whenever he tries to leave the house

[Veronika01]

You need to tell him, just straight in your face tell him, that he needs to stop. You don't have to be rude to him, you can do it in a kind way. You KNOW it's going to hurt. You KNOW there are possible risks involved. All he's doing right now is causing you unnecessary stress. It sounds to me that he is very fearful of the what if scenarios and I can't imagine how he'll be able to support you in labor if he can't move beyond it. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. My dh was very excited about having our baby at home and feels it's the greatest gift anyone has ever given him, that he was able to catch his daugther and be the first person in the world to see her. Maybe you can ask your dh to focus on some positive birth stories instead of the negative? IMO it will be good for both of you to focus your energy on the positive side instead. {{ hugs }}

[xmasbaby7]

I am really sympathetic to what you both are going through. Even though you are obviously the priority here, his feelings will impact you, too. My DH was supportive, but my mom played this role for me in my pregnancy.

I suggest more information for him. He needs to realize that all pathologies in birth are not the norm but the exception. Strangely, when we assume everything will turn out just fine, it increased the likelihood that it will, but that takes lots of discipline.

Let him talk to other homebirth dads that your midwife will give you the numbers of. Heck, PM me and your dh can talk to mine. Most dads are dying to share the experience they never seem to get to talk about.

Make him read Baby Catcher by Peggy Vincente (the book that sealed my dh's enthusiasm).

Tell him that you understand he is afraid, and he is trained to think of how to prepare for what COULD go wrong or he wouldn't be a good attorney, but that makes him a less than stellar birth partner. : )

Try and watch Orgasmic Birth if you can get a hold of a copy.

Get him to start really putting some mental energy into the 90ish% of the home births that happen without any transfers.

Those are just some of my ideas. It is critical to work through all of our fears about becoming parents and not let some thing distract us (like birth place) from the bigger challenge we face as our lives are about to be permanently changed.

[ShwarmaQueen]

I sympathize completely. I can totally relate to him being an attorney and using "research" to back up his cause. Maybe point him in a different direction, start giving him positive research to read?

[InMediasRes]

You need to tell him that hearing those stories isn't good for you or your baby during your delivery. Yes, he CAN do LOTS to help you during the pain. Maybe help him find some ways he can help.

We did our first birth in a hospital, and it was a nightmare, but my DH was still really nervous about a FSBC and a CNM the second time. He finally told me that he sees birth as like breaking your leg and that he has no idea why I wouldn't want the pain medication. I had him come to our next MW appt and meet privately with the MW and ask her all of the horrible questions he wanted to. She humored him, and he was finally able to let it go. I know he had his doubts, but he was willing to keep them to himself because he knew that the risks weren't as big as he thought.

And after our beautiful birth, he was totally sold. He'd never have me deliver in a hospital again.

[norajune'smama]

i know you're already doing hypnobabies, but we took bradley classes (the instructor was a homebirthing mama) and they made dh feel very empowered. it was all about what he could do to help, i felt like.

[vegasgrl]

I'm having my first in a few weeks, planning a HB. For me, it was actually HELPFUL to hear "horror" stories, and then trace back to the root cause, if that makes sense. So like the woman who labored for 50 hours...was she induced? Because maybe the darned baby just wasn't ready to come out! And his sister - did she have pitocin? Because as much as I want a ncb, I decided long ago that if I have pit, I will DEFINITELY get an epidural; it sounds like those contractions are HORRIBLE! But knowing all this makes the choice for HB more OBVIOUS to me, not more SCARY!

As another example, a friend of mine in real life had a baby a few weeks ago and she had a retained placenta, which her OB reached right in and scraped out. She wanted to be sure I knew how horrible that experience was, and that she thought for sure I was nuts to try and go drug-free. Well what *she* doesn't realize is that my mw would only scrape out my uterus w/o pain meds if I was going to die right then if she didn't, kwim? The standard of care is sooooooo much different. Also, the fact that I am aware that retained placenta can happen, and that I also know how it would be dealt with in my situation, makes me even MORE confident in my HB - I mean, screw that doctor for torturing my friend like that when there wasn't an immediate need to! But see, she didn't even know that was a possibility.

I know my approach isn't the norm, and I agree wholeheartedly that your DH should back off to a degree, or at least try and work through his own fears more constructively. But I also agree that he needs more education! If, for example, he understood better that an epidural that fails means mom starts feeling pain when contractions are super-revved up, instead of drug-free where you get to ramp up the pain tolerance as you go, a lot of these "horror" stories would make more sense.

Good luck!

[prancie]

I think he's scared. Men don't get this stuff at a gut level. It might help for you and him to make concrete plans about what to do in an emergency. Pack a bag for the hospital, write down for the hospital what you do and don't want done to you and/or baby. Prepare him for the attitude you will be confronted with from the staff (good or bad). I know I wish I had done those things when I had my first birth because we did transfer and I didn't even have a bag packed. It sucks when other people pack for you after the fact.

You can also make a list of things he needs to do for you before the birth and during and after. Guys like to know what to do.

ETA: i want to reiterate that this is most likely about HIS fear. He doesn't want to see you in pain, especially if there is nothing he can do. This is a man's worst fear. Don't make it about you, next time he tells you a horror story say "i know this is scary for you. you don't want to see me in pain and not be able to help me." then see what he says, let him talk about his fear and a lot of it may resolve itself.

[nannymom]

I agree that I think much of this is fear based. We are having baby #2 at home in a few months and we had dd #1 at a birth center and we had a traumatic out come. When we 1st began discussing our homebirth dh wasn'y even sure he would be able to attend because he was so scared by what happened the 1st time. Now after months of reading and talking and meeting with my midwife he is feeling much more secure and reasured.

I did hypnobabies with my 1st and am using it again and you really can't have all that negativty around you and have it work. Will you be able to labor while knowing he is skeptical of it?

I agree that you have to tell him to stop. I think you should encourage him to read positive research and positive stories. I also think you need to help him find his place in your birth. I think often Men just feel lost and clueless and scared because they know their partner is about to do something hard.

Good luck.

[phatchristy]

Well, if he is in the field of law then he should definitely appareicate the fact that OBs practice defensive medicine nowadays. They think of how to avoid lawsuits, unfortunately most frequently to the detriment of their patients. A cesarean section in a way is a blanket option for them, and the reason why many OBs prefer to do cesareans (in addition to other personal benefits for them). We have hospitals down here with 50% cesarean rates, it's shocking really. Does he really want to set his wife up for an intervention filled birth that puts a healthy mother and baby needlessly at risk?

Evidence based medicine is the gold standard of care--and when you read the evidence it's the midwifery model of care that has the best outcomes for the low risk pregnant woman and baby.

If it were me I would compile all of the research and show it to him. Since you are a healthy, low risk pregnant woman the research will clearly indicate that homebirth will have the best outcome for both you and baby.

As for the pain issue. I know that is one of those things you kind of wonder about. My midwife told my DH to be prepared, that he would see me in the worst pain of my life. I can say that my first birth was the most difficult of all of the births. It was harder than I anticipated at times, HOWEVER, I made it through it. I took it one contraction at a time. When it got bad, I invisioned the next day, how I would be holding my baby and the pain would not even be a distant memory (it's true, if you're going natural you don't remember as the oxytocin you produce impairs the imprinting of the memory).

I am kind of the outspoken, outwardly opinionated person in the relationship. I wouldn't let DH tell me the 'horror stories' either. I would tell him directly that he was causing me stress, which is harmful to the baby. That he needed to get educated, and get on board with the program because this is my body and my right to choose the way that I give birth. Since I know how my body works, and in what environment I will work best in I ultimately make the decision.

[Fly Girl]

I also think he is scared. It seems like he doesn't know how to deal with his fear so he is passive/aggressively telling you these horror stories. I'm sure he doesn't understand why you aren't scared. He obviously needs more education on birth and homebirth and how the interventions in the hospital lead to more harm than natural birth.

You said you are doing hypnobabies, but what about taking a birthing class that both of you can attend. DH and I did a birthing from within class with a little hypnosis added in. We were able to talk about his fears, my fears, how we deal with those fears, what he can do to help me in labor, what I want in labor, and practicing with focusing during contractions. I think a class for him would be very beneficial.

If nothing works, just tell him to stop. You don't need to hear the horror stories. No pregnant woman wants to hear the horror stories.

Sorry you're dealing with this.

[Bmorefarmgirl]

i think the fact that he said he won't be able to help you tells a lot. i imagine he feels very helpless and that, if you were in a hospital, there would be many more people who could help you. hospitals he gets. he understands that drs and nurses and drugs will help you. he does not understand how he can help you, when in fact, he can!

if you do not want to do bradley since you are doing hypnobabies, try some books. how about The Birth Partner by penny simkin. it teaches a lot of methods for how he can help you when you are in labor. maybe if he learns that there is a lot he CAN do for you, he will feel more empowered. let him know that if you are in labor for 50 hours, he can squeeze your hips, dance with you, rub your back, give you hot or cold compresses, talk to you, help keep you focused. there is a lot he can do that will help. he just doesn't know that.

[Mrs_CoffeeLa]

Have him read Henci Goer's "Thinking Woman's Guide To A Better Birth." Basically summarizes the medical literature and research.

[InMediasRes]

I wanted to add that I actually wrote out a list of things I thought my DH could do that would help during my labor. I told him that I wanted him to offer or try some of the things without me having to ask for it, because I might not remember in the moment. I think he felt a little more empowered with the list in hand.

[fruitfulmomma]

I would also recommend Bradley classes - for him! Even if you choose to utilize the Hypnobabies technique during labor, the Bradley class was designed to teach the couple about the whole birth process and will help him just as much as you. It will give him the information he needs to understand how he can help you and how natural birth works, including the risks of interventions.

That whole, he can't do anything for you, is totally not true! My husband was an amazing birth partner and has helped me get through 5 births, including 4 totally undrugged and 3 of those at home.

[francesmama]

He needs to direct his energy into something more positive. It sounds as though he is terrified and feels completely ill equipped to provide helpful labour support. Given this dynamic, I would be keen on hiring a doula so that you are sure to get the support you are going to need in labour.

But your guy still needs help. I'd suggest getting him to read The Birth Partner. It is a great book that is geared directly at the support person. It is matter of fact in describing the process of labour and delievery and also provides helpful suggestions for exactly what a supportive and helpful birth partner can and should do to support a woman in labour be it a long or short labour, back labour, c. section etc etc. It's a good choice for someone who is interested in a purely factual (as opposed to a rah! rah! homebirth type book) resource for how to support a woman in childbirth, whether she is at home or in hospital. It goes beyond just helpful positions to try but gives very specific examples of a how a helpful birth partner should speak to and touch a labouring woman in different circumstances.

[leila1213]

Maybe you could show him Ina May's statistics, so he can see how truly rare such complications are, IN THE ABSENCE OF UNNECESSARY INTERVENTION.

And FYI, Orgasmic Birth is available from Netflix. Probably could download it instantly.

[wiggles06]

Originally Posted by norajune'smama

i know you're already doing hypnobabies, but we took bradley classes (the instructor was a homebirthing mama) and they made dh feel very empowered. it was all about what he could do to help, i felt like.

We did Bradley classes too and my hubby LOVED IT! He was engaged and very supportive after all the information I, our teacher and our midwife provided him with. I was a little worried about whether he would do good job at coaching me, but he turned out to be a PRO. The best doula I could possibly imagine.

Plus, try to involve him in any capacity in your homebirth. Maybe you can sneak in some books that support natural birth backed up by valid, unbiased statistics. Some good reads: Born in the USA, Spiritual Midwifery, CHildbirth without fear, Gentle Birth Book, Birth without Violence.