DH won't stop with the "horror" stories... - Page 2

[skekelee]

Wow, thank you all so much for your kind, encouraging and wise words. I think I will look into some books, The Birth Partner in particular.

The weird thing is, he really is supportive of the homebirth thing... when we talk about it between us, or even discuss it with close friends, he is right there defending my decision. He says that I did a great job with researching the issue and have convinced him it's a good option for us. So I do think this is more about his own fear and feelings of helplessness. Now I just need to persuade him to do the "prep work" to prepare to coach me. Interestingly, he kind of half-way "jokes" that I'm "outsourcing" him because I will have a doula (although she comes with my midwife, they are a package deal). So I need to convince him that even though I will have these women there, I need HIM to support me.

Guess I need to take a trip over to Amazon.com to get some books for him...

Thanks again everyone,
Stephanie
20w6d with Baby #1

[Sudonk]

Stephanie, I'm sorry he's being this way! It's especially silly, since Hypnobabies CAN be used without a birth partner, but for a birth partner who wants to be involved, it has remarkably powerful technques that allow him to play a huge role in your comfort. The fact that he's not taking advantage of that is just silly, unless he just hasn't looked at the materials and has no idea how much he's missing by not doing Hypnobabies with you. Have you watched any Hypnobabies videos with him? Most dads are very scared about the births. It can be really helpful for him to see some people birthing so blissfully (without the screaming so many people expect). The Dateline video about hypnosis for birth may be especially convincing for him, because you get to hear from the couple in advance, and see that they are just normal, everyday people who are also skeptical but hopeful about the use of hypnosis for their births. And the Hypnobabies is FAR more powerful and offers way more skills for both mom and birth partners than the very simplified approach they use in the Dateline.

My husband started out very negative about hypnosis for birth, although he talked it up to other people. He was worried that he'd look like an idiot if he spent time learning it with me, and then it didn't work. I finally convinced him that I was more than willing to take the "blame" if it didn't work, and would make it clear to any interested person that he wasn't an idiot for spending time on it. It was purely a pride thing for him, because so many men hate to look stupid above almost anything else, and being "caught" using hypnosis triggered that for him.

However, during our Hypnobabies births, he LOVED it! He was so worried about feeling helpless and watching me birth our child in agony. Instead, I was calm and happy and we slow danced by candle light and joked and whispered sweet nothings to each other, and any time things got a little intense, he would use the "peace", "relax" or "release" cue word and everyone in the room could see my whole body relax and I would begin smiling through even the peaks of the most powerful waves. He was able to feel useful and engaged, without any pressure or stress. Ironically, despite all his skepticism and grumbling about hypnosis, the first thing he said after meeting our first Hypnobaby was, "Wow, that was amazing! Why doesn't everybody know about this option!" Now he proudly tells everyone who will hold still all about our totally pain-free, unmedicated births.

[Pookietooth]

I have read that most of the time, the cerebral palsy injuries happened long before birth.

[Gray's Mommy]

here are a few links that may help:
http://homebirthdads.com/

http://naturalpapa.com/

I hope things get better for you both~

[callieollie]

I second the suggestion of watching Hypnobabies births. We had a very difficult labor with our first. We took Bradley classes and while we both felt well informed, it wasn't helpful for us during the actual labor and my dh ended up feeling more incompetent and to blame for things being so difficult. He was very nervous about the second birth but Hypnobabies worked so well for us that he (and I) were amazed at how calm I was. At the end, he said, "wow, that was amazing!"

Also, I suggest you and your dh doing the fear release CD. I found that very helpful.

[peainthepod]

He's scared senseless and trying to assuage his fears by dumping them on you. It's cool that he's supportive of homebirth in theory, but he needs to apply it practically as well. And that means not going out of his way to sabotage the mother's labor and birth by stressing her out for no good reason.

I would seriously just refuse to look at any papers he hands you and literally hang up on him or walk away when he starts fearmongering like this. Tell him that if he can't stop, you'll have to remove yourself from the situation. And follow through. I'm so sorry he's being so insensitive, OP.

If you think it would help him to chat with a father who caught his own firstborn at home, after a rather uneventful and stress-free labor and birth, I know my DH would be happy to email him. PM me if you're interested.

[peainthepod]

Oh yeah, and definitely hire a doula if you can. My DH was an amazing birth partner in every way but I am still extremely glad I had my doula there too. Worth every penny.

[Veritaserum]

Originally Posted by Sudonk

However, during our Hypnobabies births, he LOVED it! He was so worried about feeling helpless and watching me birth our child in agony.

My dh was scared that I would be in as much pain as I'd been in with our first baby (induced with pitocin). When I first told him that I didn't want another epidural he said, "Are you sure? I remember what it was like before you got it!" He was scared because he didn't like seeing me in pain and felt helpless. After we had our first home birth he knew there was no going back to a hospital for a normal birth. They home births were great and Hypnobabies is great.

If there's a live Hypnobabies class in your area that would be a fantastic resource. It's common for doubting and/or fearful men to change into confident, supportive, and calm birth partners.

[Emmeline II]

Tell him that you NEED him to stop. You are an adult woman making a researched decision, and it is not right for him to stoke HIS fears then dump them on you. He says he is supportive of homebirth, but what he is actually doing is "distracting" you with his claim of support, while trying to undermine your confidence in HB with horror stories. It reminds me a bit of cop shows where the cop pretends to be like interviewee to gain their trust, then tries to get them to admit something.

I'd pick up Obstetric Myths vs Research realities for him, and set aside some time at each appointment for him to dump on your midwife instead.

My dh was not being...supportive...during my first pregnancy. I told him that if he did not come to Bradley classes with me he could not be at the birth. The class really turned him around.