"your poor mother"

[lindsayjean]

How do I respond to this? Yes, my DD is very spirited, yes she has a lot of tantrums. I am calm through them and NO I will not spank or discipline her for them. I was over at my grandparents' house this evening for dinner and my 2.5 yr old was having a tantrum because she didn't want to go home and my grandma said this.

My DD is also very demanding, and while I don't give in to her demands, I do try to work with her... giving her choices.

Just wondering how I should respond to these kinds of comments. They REALLY REALLY bother me because she is NOT a 'bad kid'.... she is just spirited and has very strong emotions and it makes me so upset that people may think 'oh your poor mom for having such a difficult kid.'

I guess, yeah, she isn't easy to parent, but I don't want people saying things like that to her!!

Any advice is appreciated!

[heartmama]

I think a simple "Oh but I love getting to be x's mom!" said with a smile will do the trick

[JL83]

I would take the comment for what it's meant to be - sympathy. It's hard to have a sprited kid (I have one). It takes alot of work. And that's work that most people don't have to do.

I would say something nice back like "I love who she is" or "I'll survive and I have a great kid".

[HikeMama]

I don't think it was right for her to say that in front of your child. Comments like this, said enough, or if they sink in enough, can really hurt. 'You feel sorry for my mom that I'm her daughter?!?! I really must be a piece of poop.' Oh, that's just horrible. (not that at this age I think your daughter has thought it through this much, but it's the point of it, you know?) So many people have this idea that kids don't understand, and that it's okay to say things like this, but they just aren't thinking the whole thing through.

Like a PP said, I'd first say how much I love being my daughter's mother. Then, I'd probably say something in private about how I don't want any comments made when she defies me, because *I* will handle it my own way and prefer no one else to intervene.

[lindsayjean]

Originally Posted by HikeMama

I don't think it was right for her to say that in front of your child. Comments like this, said enough, or if they sink in enough, can really hurt. 'You feel sorry for my mom that I'm her daughter?!?! I really must be a piece of poop.' Oh, that's just horrible. (not that at this age I think your daughter has thought it through this much, but it's the point of it, you know?) So many people have this idea that kids don't understand, and that it's okay to say things like this, but they just aren't thinking the whole thing through.

Like a PP said, I'd first say how much I love being my daughter's mother. Then, I'd probably say something in private about how I don't want any comments made when she defies me, because *I* will handle it my own way and prefer no one else to intervene.

That's what I meant to get across... they didn't just say it to me, that'd be fine... they said it TO my 2.5 yr old, who has a really large vocabulary and definitely understands what is going on. They always make comments to her and it's driving me bonkers.

[TopHat]

I think that since they are saying it to your daughter, I'd say something like, "I'm right here, you know? Thanks for the pity, but we don't need it." to let them know that they are talking about you as if they were talking about you behind your back- but you're right there.

[pomplemoose]

I agree with pp she was probably just trying to show some sympathy for your situation. I dont know your mother but I don't think id be terribly offended unless it was meant as a low blow. I mean really, the kid's throwing a huge fit they aren't my most favorite things to deal with and I'm guessing most people feel that way.

[Rowansmama]

Hmmm, I've never thought about this from the mama's perspective! I have a few friends and acquaintances with very spirited toddlers and I always say with sympathy "You poor, poor thing!" Or "You must be beat by the end of the day." I don't mean to imply they don't love their kids for who they are, I'm simply expressing my sympathy! Maybe I should think again before I say these things

[Camile Rynd]

My sympathies to you. My sister has this same sort of attitude about children, either they are complacent and good or spirited and bad. It's deeply ingrained in our society.

I know that my 18 month old would surely understand it if someone said something like this to me. Perhaps not entirely, but he would get the idea.

I would say something like, "my daughter knows what she wants, and I'm glad she feels safe expressing it, there is no need to feel sorry for me, this is just a sign that I'm doing things right"



Good luck!

[lindsayjean]

Originally Posted by Rowansmama

Hmmm, I've never thought about this from the mama's perspective! I have a few friends and acquaintances with very spirited toddlers and I always say with sympathy "You poor, poor thing!" Or "You must be beat by the end of the day." I don't mean to imply they don't love their kids for who they are, I'm simply expressing my sympathy! Maybe I should think again before I say these things

I wouldn't mind it said to me, but just don't say it to the spirited kid-- she said it TO MY DD which imo is a lot different than expressing sympathy to me. I don't want my dd thinking she is bad just because she has strong emotions that she is learning to deal with.

[lindsayjean]

Originally Posted by Camile Rynd

I would say something like, "my daughter knows what she wants, and I'm glad she feels safe expressing it, there is no need to feel sorry for me, this is just a sign that I'm doing things right"

I like this.

[mamazee]

I had this happen by my mom when my dd was in that age range, and I said that I felt very lucky she was my daughter, and then later called my mom and told her how much it hurts kids to hear that. I didn't want to argue in front of her, but I wanted to immediately let my dd know that I didn't feel like a "poor mother". AND I didn't want it to happen again.

[daytripper75]

When people said things like that to me about my spirited dd I always commented back about what an outstanding adult she is going to be.

[lindsayjean]

Originally Posted by daytripper75

When people said things like that to me about my spirited dd I always commented back about what an outstanding adult she is going to be.

I totally believe this too!

[prothyraia]

"Actually, I think I'm pretty lucky!" *kiss your child*

[EdnaMarie]

Originally Posted by Rowansmama

Hmmm, I've never thought about this from the mama's perspective! I have a few friends and acquaintances with very spirited toddlers and I always say with sympathy "You poor, poor thing!" Or "You must be beat by the end of the day." I don't mean to imply they don't love their kids for who they are, I'm simply expressing my sympathy! Maybe I should think again before I say these things

Having been on the receiving end, I can say that I appreciated them. I didn't take them as someone feeling sorry for me because I have my kids- I assumed we both knew that I love my kids- but that this particular situation was happening.

However this discussion has made me worried about it.

"my daughter knows what she wants, and I'm glad she feels safe expressing it, there is no need to feel sorry for me, this is just a sign that I'm doing things right"

I'm gonna say that frankly, I'm not exactly thrilled that my daughter feels totally safe falling down, kicking and screaming, in a public place, to express that SHE WANTED TO SHUT THE DOOR ALL BY HERSELF SHE WANTED TO SHUT THE DOOR ALL BY HERSELF SHE WANTED TO... (etc.)

I'd really rather she felt a little bit uncomfortable ruining the mood like that.

[One_Girl]

Your mother also had kids and probably remembers tantrums as draining, which is something that they can be depending on the day. I have had this said to me as well and at first I was offended, but after a few years of tantrums I came to a point where I would pat myself on the back when I felt like I was handling things well and thank my family for their sympathy and agree with them when I needed sympathy. I agree with what EdnaMarie says. I also don't want my child to think that it is just fine when she destroys the peace of the house by screeching and throwing a fit to get her way. I want her to feel loved, I give her hugs and talk her through her tantrums, but I also appreciate other people pointing out to my dd that her behavior isn't appropriate becuase sometimes it takes tag teaming to get that message across. I have found that it is especially dd is especially receptive to thinking about her behavior when a grandparent says something like this because usually they spoil her rotten and think she can do no wrong.

[onlyAngil]

I do my best to try and understand the how they are trying to be kind in their words and thought. How they want a simple easy life for me and my family and say something like "Poor me?!?!? Poor you...! I /have/ to deal with(handle, care for, guide, etc.) this, you don't. I am his (/her) Mai-Mai (the word we use for mother). Don't get me wrong, I would rather a happy child, but (s)he is not happy right now, which is ok. I feel 'Better out than in!' " and give a hardy laugh and smile. (I do hope you can see the slight joking I am making with my /have/... :-P)