attachment parenting, breastfeeding and indepence

[merryns.mom]

i have a 14 month old daughter who is breastfed and who is very attached to me.

the issue my dh and i have is that she wants to be held or play in my lap all the time. literally if she sees me, she has to have me and cries/is now pitching a fit to get me

yes, i want to respond to her needs, but i don't want to set myself up for big problems responding to her whims and her wines.

i know that she can play by herself, she does it with dh, but how do i start setting limits and not ignore her (i'm sure she thinks she needs me)

how do set boundaries and rules and encourage her to play by herself and at the same time not feel devastated with the horrible crying she'll be doing?

[mamazee]

She's at the age for separation anxiety. That behavior is typical for that age, and they simply have to outgrow it. Separation anxiety happens to most children - those who practice AP and BF, and equally to those who don't. It's about their development, not about how they're parented. So don't blame your parenting, and don't think it's a personality trait or something you've created. You might google "separation anxiety". I looked to see if Mothering had an article on it, but I haven't found one. Here's an article from natural child: http://www.naturalchild.org/peter_cook/attachment.html

[LynnS6]

If it's any consolation, I had a hard time with this age.

your dd is in the middle of her separation anxiety phase. For most children, that peaks about 18 months, but it's really variable. I had one child who had intense, long lasting separation anxiety from about 9 months to about age 3. I had another who went through about 2 weeks of separation anxiety, if I remember correctly. (OK, it was probably more than that, but it was so uneventful compared to our son's bout with separation anxiety that it barely hit my radar.)

These things are governed by development and by temperament.

My strategy for dealing with it is (well, was, my kids are too old now):

1. When you can, indulge her need to be near you and held. Focused time with mom/primary care giver really does go a long way to helping them feel safe and confident in the world. It sounds paradoxical, but the more you can meet this need, the sooner they'll quit clinging.
2. When you can't (I drew the line at holding children while going to the bathroom!), sympathize, but be matter of fact.
3. If you need to get something done or just need a break, explain to your child in simple terms when you'll be able to hold them. "I can pick you up as soon as I get the pan in the oven." "3 minutes and I'll be done here." Don't be afraid of the tears, but also don't be afraid that you're spoiling your child by paying attention to her.
4. Keep them near you and engage them in what you're doing as much as possible. When my kids were little, they used to stand on the step stool and play in the sink or watch me while I cooked. Other people wear their kids on their backs while they're in this stage. My kids both loved to help with laundry, etc. (OK, it takes about 85 times longer, but if you've got a toddler, you can't be in a hurry a lot of the time!)
5. Take a break regularly - it sounds like she's fine with your dh. So, leave her with your dh and talk a walk every evening after dinner, or every morning before breakfast. Or have your dh take her out to the park or to run errands while you sit at home with a worthless novel/magazine and a cup of tea. (No using this time to do housework!)

[mamazee]

I'm glad someone responded who had a child who actually had separation anxiety. I got lucky there. Even with AP, breastfeeding on demand, co-sleeping, etc., My first didn't have any separation anxiety. I think #2 will, though. She seems to be heading into something along those lines. I share this as an example that separation anxiety is not caused by parenting. I treat them both the same, do all the same things, and they are very different.

[flapjack]

All but one of mine have had it. Yes to everything Lynne said, but:

1) Get breaks. Burn out is real, it happens, it stinks.
2) Find ways of living the life you want with a toddler in tow. Get out. See people. Do new stuff. Don't let the fact that you have to have someone sitting on you 24/7 get you down and make you become resentful. IOW, I guess, get breaks WITH the kid as well as without the kid.
3) Hire a cleaning service and give yourself permission to lower your standards. This can be worse than having a newborn, and it's only for a few months. ALSO, I'm guessing she's not sleeping so well at nights either. Go into basic care mode until it passes, and it will
Oh, and keep talking. Talking is good.

Good luck!

[Alyantavid]

Just remember it won't last forever.

My youngest was exactly like that at that age. He's now 3 and while he still needs me more than his older brother ever has, it is much better than it was then. I'm sure part of it is due to the fact that I was always there and he knows I will be.

[Violet2]

This has nothing to do with AP, it's normal development. DD hasn't been so bad with it, but she can be annoying with the insistence to sit in my lap.

Separation anxiety waxes and wanes for the first few years.

My other friend's DD has entered the Daddy phase and if he's around, she wants nothing to do with mom. Try to enjoy it as much as possible, tomorrow your DC may be all about Daddy.

V

[ZoraP]

DD1 was like that and I thought she'd never give up her total "ownership" of my time and my body. But would you believe that by the time she was 5 she went off happily on a three-day trip without me and now goes to 10-day scout camps every summer? They do outgrow it!

I agree that you need to get breaks to avoid burnout during this stage, but just want to attest that this too, shall eventually pass.

[katiesk]

yep. dd who is almost 18 months is in the middle of this. i'm so surprised sometimes at her, when she is reluctant to do things that she used to think were fun...but she really just wants me right there...touching...clinging...which is fine. i can't force her confidence, you know? and it seems that right now she just needs that extra very close contact to feel confident and secure.

it's a little bit more draining and she has discovered whining at the same time, so thats annoying!

it's clearly a stage though, and obviously everyone will get through it!

[One_Girl]

My dd was like this until she was about three and a half when she was with me. She then decided she could branch out and is now a very outgoing and confident child. Something that really helped me though was finding other things to do with her besides just breastfeeding. This is something that La Leche League's book about breastfeeding talks about too. I didn't realize we were in a cycle like this until dd was 2 and a half. It really made parenting funner when I took time to sit and tumble toys down with her and play games the way she wanted to play. It also helped to talk softly to her and hold her when she was disappointed or hurt because we both learned that she could be comforted in other ways. Keeping her engaged in fun things and not jumping to immediately nurse her all the time really helped take a lot of the drain off of me and I didn't feel so burnt out that I couldn't meet her needs for security in other ways. I really recommend that you read some of the later chapters in The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding because they give a lot of great advice for children entering the toddler years. I also think you need to meet her need for security though because she will not be more comfortable if you push her to seperate from you before she is ready. She is more likely to cling more and whine more because she will be more anxious and worried about why you are seperating from her. Three years seems like a long time when they are young, but you will look back and be glad you were there for her.

[Storm Bride]

This isn't about AP. Many kids develop separation anxiety, and it's totally normal. (Honestly, the worst case of it I've ever seen was in a mom who was on the far end of the spectrum from AP.) You're not going to spoil her or set yourself up for problems. This isn't about whims and whines - it's about a real emotional need for her mom. Don't be surprised if six months from now, she's doing the same thing...only with your husband. On the flip side, don't be surprised if she isn't.

Make sure you're getting your needs met, but don't think that meeting her needs is a bad thing.

[lolar2]

Starting around this age, it can help to sing a song about what you are doing while she has to wait for something. "This is the way mommy puts on shoes, puts on shoes, puts on shoes, this is the way mommy puts on shoes, so early in the morning" etc. Doesn't ALWAYS help but it definitely SOMETIMES helps, that's why all the preschools do it.

[merryns.mom]

thanks for all the replies! we are the only parents around who ap and extended breastfeed past 6 months, so we're in uncharted territory and my inlaw's have lots to say
and flapjack; you're right, she sleeps maybe 2 hours a time at night before wanting to nurse, and if she can't latch on she get irate
i don't really mind our special time together, it's just there are things that i'd like to get done, and my husband is tired of being the only one who can clean, etc. we have a big home and it is being neglected
i'm hoping to try a bedtime schedule; but want to try and hold out on nightweaning until after xmas when she'll be 18 months old-that's also selfish (i know it's going to be very hard to withhold her nana's)

thanks again

[mistymama]

It's really just her age - my son was SO clingy at that age and I couldn't hardly put him down. But it does pass, as hard as it is.

Fast forward and he's the most independent kid ever. Last year at his first day of kindy he wouldn't let me walk him in!!

I know it's hard when they are going through a stage like that, but I promise it's not forever. And the foundation you give her, that strong attachment and base, will make her much more independent when she is ready.