Quote:
Originally Posted by uccomama  To me, this still seems very forced and doesn't address the reason for the dysregulation that is causing the behavior (hitting, kicking, throwing etc).
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I'm not getting that "community service" is the
only thing OP is doing. I would imagine that it's part of a larger approach. I agree that making amends, by itself, doesn't address the reasons for the behavior or even the behavior itself. That doesn't mean that making amends isn't a valuable thing for a child to begin to learn to do. Likewise, if the
only thing I do in response is to address their reasons for their behavior (the "dysregulation"), I'm not addressing how their actions affect others and how we can "repair" the relationship. It's important to address the child's inner experience (which led to the behavior),
and the effects on the other person(s) along with how we can make amends for what we've done.
I think of the process of making amends along the lines of how Barbara Coloroso explains it: the three R's. Restitution, Resolution, Reconciliation. Restitution is fixing what you've done-like fixing that toy you broke (and here it's also appropriate to request/suggest, not demand, that your child apologize). Some things aren't easy to fix, as is the case when we've hit someone. Resolution is problem-solving to prevent the problem from happening again (this can include things like helping a child get more sleep, helping a child learn to express feelings more appropriately and effectively, etc., etc.). This is where the parent works with the child to figure out what's going on, what led to this, how we can prevent it, different ways the child might handle the situation. Reconciliation is the third R. This refers to the process of healing with the person you've harmed in some way. This might include spending time doing things with or for that person, to foster a positive relationship and show intent to work at resolution (like trying to express feelings differently).
I think that sometimes, when you've done something that isn't easily fixed (like hitting or hurtful words) one piece of making amends (restitution and reconciliation) can be to do something for the person you've hurt. You can't fix the wound your words caused, but you can work to repair the trust/relationship. You can begin to do that by giving of yourself a little, doing something kind. And the positive experience can help not just the person who was hurt, but can help the child who did the hurting take responsibility in a positive way. It can feel good to make amends. Of course, I think that the child needs to be the one to choose how to make amends-the restitution and reconciliation-with guidance if needed. But in my family, making amends has been a beautiful thing--that goes hand in hand with, indeed is an integral part of, the process of addressing the reasons for behavior.
eta: It has been my experience that a 5 year old is quite capable of participating in this kind of process. And in case anyone is interested, Barbara Coloroso's "Three R's" come from her book
The Bully, The Bullied, and The Bystander.
