Mamas...is it REALLY going to be okay?

[BroodyWoodsgal]

As I approach the "30 days til due date" mark here I am so joyously awaiting my chance to give birth again...I can't wait to meet my little guy and begin our journey together...everything about this baby is happy for me...except for one thing...I already HAVE a baby.

My DD is 16 months old...we wanted close spacing because, despite the fact that we always thought we'd have many, we will probably only be having two children. But now, as the day approaches...I'm realizing how small my DD still is. She's a baby, she still needs me so much...she is going through a "clingy thing" at nighttime and has been wanting to sleep directly on top of my, or on my face...just to be close...I love being able to give her whatever she needs like that, letting her do ridiculous things like sleep on my face...I love that my lap is all hers..I feel like such a traitor for bringing another creature with high needs into our life right now.

She's just such a good girl...she is so awesome to be around, my best buddy and the light of my life...I KNOW I will love my baby boy just as much and that in the end it will work out...I just need a bit of reassurance from BTDT mamas....DOES it work out? Does like feel this ever again, calm and sure and peaceful? I am just beginning to fear that I will be turning my girls life on it's head by bringing this little boy into our world...she is my little jewel....I love her so much...will she still get what she needs from me? Will she feel pushed aside?? Neglected?

DD is absolutely in love with babies...she LOVES babies and we are getting her a baby doll of her own (she has been desperately wanting one) to give to her when her brother is born...so maybe she can take care of her baby while I'm taking care of the boy baby....does that sound like a good idea to you mamas? Or like it will be too much? I'm just having this crazy mix of feeling like a real doofus, second guessing myself and feeling like I'm not enough mama to care for my two cubs...I don't know...I know this is normal..but it feels so intense. I want both of my babies to be babies, to feel my love and warmth. We decided that we are not going to try and get DD sleeping on her own...we love (and she loves) sleeping in the big bed with all the family too much and don't want to make her feel pushed out....will that really be okay though?

So I guess....tell me about when you added your second...especially if your first was still very much a little guy/gal...ease my fears mama!! Help!

[HarperRose]

Oh mama! Everything will work out just fine. My oldest was 18 mos when my daughter was born. I'm realizing only in the last couple of years how very tiny he was when she was born, and only because my youngest is 2. Ds1 and dd are 8 and 9 1/2 now and great friends. Ds will play house w/ dd as much as she plays legos with him. Yes, they argue and fight like cats and dogs, but mostly things go well.

[AbbieB]

It's going to be all right momma.

Feeling all of the things you described is 1000% normal and I would venture to guess that all of us with more than 1 child have felt the exact same things.

My DD was almost 4 when her brother was born. She still has periods of clingyness and needs me, just in different ways than a baby. I do not believe having a sibling has really changed this.

DD LOVES babies. She was so happy to have a baby brother. It was a little bit like having a second mom in the house (and still is).

If it helps, just remember that you are not the first mom to have more than one child. As scary, exciting and over whelming as it can seem, you will survive.3.

One last word, something you may not have thought about. Your relationship with the new baby will be different than with your DD. Just as every other relationship you have has it's own flavor, so will the one with the new baby.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by HarperRose

Oh mama! Everything will work out just fine. My oldest was 18 mos when my daughter was born. I'm realizing only in the last couple of years how very tiny he was when she was born, and only because my youngest is 2. Ds1 and dd are 8 and 9 1/2 now and great friends. Ds will play house w/ dd as much as she plays legos with him. Yes, they argue and fight like cats and dogs, but mostly things go well.

Thank you for your words...yes, I am hoping that our plan to have them close will turn out like we hope and that they will be great friends. I am the oldest in my family of many kids, the next youngest is 16 mos younger than me and we grew up best best friends and are still close to this day....I'm hoping it can be the same for me!!

I know that when my baby boy comes and is all tiny like NBs are, I will look at my DD and she will look so much bigger...that is another thing I'm worried about. I want to let her be the baby she still is, I worry about developing a dendency toward pushing her to be "older" or more able to take care of herself...I just want her to be who/what she is and be able to get from me what she needs...

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by AbbieB

It's going to be all right momma.

Feeling all of the things you described is 1000% normal and I would venture to guess that all of us with more than 1 child have felt the exact same things.

My DD was almost 4 when her brother was born. She still has periods of clingyness and needs me, just in different ways than a baby. I do not believe having a sibling has really changed this.

DD LOVES babies. She was so happy to have a baby brother. It was a little bit like having a second mom in the house (and still is).

If it helps, just remember that you are not the first mom to have more than one child. As scary, exciting and over whelming as it can seem, you will survive.3.

One last word, something you may not have thought about. Your relationship with the new baby will be different than with your DD. Just as every other relationship you have has it's own flavor, so will the one with the new baby.

The bolded is one of the things I'm most excited about. It's so different being pregnant the second time around...I just know what to expect...meaning, I know I can't BEGIN to imagine what to really expect!

With DD I had all these ideas about what it would be like to mother her and get to know her....and then she came and blew all of my preconcieved notions out of the water...it has been 11 billion times more fun to get to know her than I thought..I never could have imagined her awesome personality, how adorable or funny she would be...so, now, waiting for our son to be born...I know that right now, hard as I might try, I can't even begin to imagine who he will be, what kind of fun we will have or how much I will truly, really love him....THAT part makes me excited...I guess it's just that right now, with only one, we can make DD our 100%, first, only priority when she needs us...I know it'll feel normal after a while and that everything will fall into place...but like, last night, we were just sitting on the couch as a family, watching DD doing her latest amazing trick and clapping for her and we were all laughing and it was all eyes on her....I don't want her to miss that...everything just feels so special right now, like a cozy little world for her, just her.

Thank you so much for your words....I know it will be fine. As the day gets closer and this baby wedges himself lower and lower in my pelvis, I am more and more excited at the prospect of a new person to get to love and know....and more and more aware of just how special this time alone with DD has been....isn't that always the way though with us humans? Nearly incapable of truly valuing what we've got, until we have to imagine it going away! Even that's not necessarily true though...many a time I've lay with my angel babe, stroking her had as she slept and thinking to myself "these are the days, this is the good stuff" - I guess it's just the fear of the unknown which makes me imagine that I'm losing something. I do feel that though and it makes me feel guilty....I feel a sense of loss.

I really want to let go of that soon...I want to change that energy to something much more positive for my boy cub.


Mamas....how was the transition from one to two babies?? What was the workload REALLY like...did you just sort of inuitively shift in your mama-ing to a place where you could handle two? Going from no babies, to one baby...was so easy for us. We really transitioned well....will we do the same going from one to two....or is that a REALLY different transition?

[henny penny]

I love your post and I'm in much the same boat. Ds is 23 months and will be a big brother this May. While he will be a bit older than your dd, I am still trying to work out the logistics for my very attached, sensitive ds. I think it is very normal and bittersweet to have these feelings . A couple things we're doing. I've already given ds a dolly so he can start to bond with it so by the time new babe is here, he'll have his familiar baby to "parent". Perhaps go ahead and give your dd her dolly now. We cosleep and ds is in a sidecar crib now which he loves. I think we'll continue this when new babe is here (unless ds starts suddenly sleeping well through the night! Ha!). Ds will be in his sidecar, new babe will be in the big bed with me and dh. Do you have a way to try a sidecar set-up? It's great. I'm going to pull out the baby stuff (bouncer chair, cradle, play mat, etc.) a month or so before my due date so ds can play with all of it to his heart's content and hopefully it will all be old news when a real babe is occupying it all. We've started letting ds spend more time at grandparent's houses now since we'll need more help when new babe is here. I'm constantly thinking of these matters now. Almost so much that I feel new babe (as a tiny bean) already isn't getting the same attention as when I was pregnant with ds. Ah, well, I suppose as mothers we will always feel we should have more to give..... It all comes from love. That is what is important.

[SuburbanHippie]

I had similar feelings when I was almost due with my second. I thought I was cheating my DS somehow. I felt terrible. I actually cried during labor about it. DH thought I was going mad. LOL.

As much as it's hard to understand now, there is so much love in your heart and in your daughter's. Your lives will change, but for the better. She will be giving and receiving love from yet another person in her life. What a lucky girl she is!

[The4OfUs]

It WILL be OK. I won't lie, it won't be the same, but it will be OK. You'll get to a new normal, a new relationship with both of them, and everything will find a new rhythm. Your daughter may adjust well, or she may have problems that you have to address - but that can happen at ANY age when a child gets a sibling. There are different considerations at every age.

Sometimes, you'll feel like you're in over your head because they will both want something at the same time, and someone *has* to wait...not like when there was just one and you could do whatever it was right away. Sometimes, it will be the older sibling...sometimes, it will be the newborn - that was the harder one for me, that the second born newborn had to wait sometimes if I was in the middle of doing something with the older child, because firstborn DS never had to wait for anything as a newborn.

BUT......it all works out.

[emmalizz]

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[wendybird]

I know how you feel. My oldest was 11 months when I had her brother.She really was a baby still. I worried about making her grow up too fast, or taking away time from her. It really didn't happen that way. In fact...in many ways she was able to slow down and stay little because of her desire to do what her brother did. They have been best friends since they could both walk, and Oh my...when they were both talking!!! I also found that the love was intensified...I was not just loving and appreciating my babies, but seeing them as loving siblings made my heart want to burst.
Anyhow...your feelings are natural and legit...I wonder sometimes if we feel that way so we can make effort to do our best(hope that makes sense). Good luck on your upcoming birth, and congrats to you and your family .

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by AverysMomma

Mamas....how was the transition from one to two babies?? What was the workload REALLY like...did you just sort of inuitively shift in your mama-ing to a place where you could handle two? Going from no babies, to one baby...was so easy for us. We really transitioned well....will we do the same going from one to two....or is that a REALLY different transition?

Again, I'm going to be completely honest with you - not to scare you, but to let you know that if you find yourself having similar issues that it's OK and that you're not a horrible mother (the "perfect mom" thing bugs me a lot, the impossible expectation of being everything to everyone and always being rainbows and unicorns). Going from zero to one was really a breeze, because DS was a very easygoing baby, very smiley, but able to be without me for short periods without crying. Easy toddler - very energetic, but able to be redirected, still good natured, friendly, outgoing, not a lick of separation anxiety. So that's what I was used to. I figured, NO problem - two of these? I can handle this any day, I'm an awesome mom and AP is da bomb. DS was 2 yrs 5 months when DD was born. Let's just say she knocked me down a few pegs . In the first year, I often felt like I had no idea what I was doing and was barely treading water, and had no idea why I had wanted to do it again. She was very intense from day one, had major separation anxiety for her entire first 18 months (actually I think there were 2 months in there around 10 months old that she would let me leave her line of sight without screaming), and is an introverted personality...and it had nothing to do with my parenting, I parented her the same way I parented DS, it was her temperament and personality.

But still - it's all OK, it all worked out. It was hairy the first year, for sure - I woke up one morning after the first 3 or 4 months DD was born and it was like coming out of a fog, like, "what the !%@$ just happened?" and from there things slowly (sometimes VERY slowly) got better. She's delightful, stubborn, funny, grumpy, cute, loud, and smart. I can't imagine our family without her...and if she was born or conceived at any other time, well, it wouldn't be *her*, you know?

Sooo...even if it knocks you for a loop for a while, it WILL get better. Remember that. Just keep going. You're going to be FINE. You'll all be fine.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by wendybird

I also found that the love was intensified...I was not just loving and appreciating my babies, but seeing them as loving siblings made my heart want to burst.

And YES, this is DEFINITELY true!!! DS was the first person to get a laugh out of DD, and was always able to get her to smile as a baby.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Oh Thank You mamas for your kind words....I know it will be okay, DD loves babies so much and when we see little tiny ones is just captivated, can;t take her eyes away...wants to hold their stuff and just hang around them staring...she loves babies. So, I think that will help just in her having more of an interest in who this person is...also, she is at an age where she is really starting to enjoy make believe and will play by herself for long periods of time just jabbering away "feeding" her stuffed animal friends and drawing pictures with them...so even if she regresses a bit in reaction to our new little one, at least I know she CAN play quite happily on her own and can help her get back in the groove of doing that if that is what feels right.

I guess in a lot of ways it's MY ability to handle the change that I worry most about. Sometimes (and I know this has a lot to do with being big and pregnant and chasing a toddler) I just feel so damn tired....I feel used up and washed out and like I want to go hide underneath something by the end of the day. I'm SO tired...I feel SO worn out. DD and DH have a great relationship and it's getting better every day...they are such buds and that makes me feel some hope that he'll be able to help enough with her when I'm swamped with our NB that it won't feel SO tough....but that's when he's here. What about when he's at work all day?

I guess I'm just wavering because my mama-self esteem has been so high...I don't get a lot of second guessing, I feel so capable in my motherhood...and I worry that maybe I will start to feel like a real bum mom, like I'm stupid for thinking I can handle two...I know I know, not very nice things to think to myself...I'm just telling you so I can get it off my chest, my husband doesn't really get it (he thinks I'm super woman and can do anything...so explaining to him that I worry about being able to handle it just kind of leaves him with a blank look, sputtering "but, of COURSE you can...you know how to do everything") - which is sweet, but only makes me feel worse...like, man, maybe I will really fall on my face with this, maybe I won't be able to hack it with two under two...maybe I'm getting in over my head!

When I was making this plan, to have another...I was so gung ho, I was so sure that it would be fine...after all, my own mother did it with a 16 mos old and a NB, right? But it has ocurred to me, that my mother is just a really bad mom...maybe she did a really bad job...maybe she didn't cope well at all..she just kind of stumbled through. I don't want to stumble through...I want to be a good mama! I know sometimes being a good mom can feel like stumbling around, hoping to find some light at the end of the tunnel..but you know what I mean. I want to REALLY give my son what I was able to give my DD...and I want to continue to give my DD the excellent parenting I've been giving her. I've just tried so hard and been so dedicated to giving her calm, loving, compassionate, gentle parenting...and sometimes it's been really hard, because I was raised by an abusive, yelling, angry, constantly at the end of her rope mama....so I have to fight the urge to yell, I have to really push myself when I'm feeling overwhelmed, to respond with love and compassion and to appreciate her age and that I'm the grown-up...instead of doing what my mom did...you know? I have patterns I'm trying to break here and I'm doing so well...so I guess some of my fear comes from a place of feeling like I'm just going to mess everything up by putting too much on my plate and turning into my own mother.

Maybe that's really at the root of all of this...I'm having a difficult time right now, I've finally come to a point with my own toxic mother, where I have to recognize that she is mentally ill and will always be an abusive person to me...and I'm sort of phasing her out of my life...maybe that "abused kid" part of me which still exists on some deep level feels horrible guilt for pushing her out of my life (even though it's to protect myself) and that nasty little voice that she planted in my head a long time ago is telling me that I'm no better than her...that this new baby is going to come and be way too much for me and push me over the edge and that I won't be able to handle it and will turn into my mother...

I know that's not true...I know I'm not her. Ugh. Sorry this got sooo heavy so quick....I guess in typing out what I've been feeling, it has occurred to me that I have a lot that my mind is trying to push out and work through...this happened to me around the time my DD was born, different issues, but my spirit and mind went into overdrive trying to work some things out which ahd been heavy on my mind for a while...

Is it THAT hard, to go from one to two? Did any of you mamas ever REALLY suffer hard at going from one to two? Do you think it will push me over the edge? I don't know why I'm so fearful...I've always been so very confident as a mother...

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by The4OfUs

Again, I'm going to be completely honest with you - not to scare you, but to let you know that if you find yourself having similar issues that it's OK and that you're not a horrible mother (the "perfect mom" thing bugs me a lot, the impossible expectation of being everything to everyone and always being rainbows and unicorns). Going from zero to one was really a breeze, because DS was a very easygoing baby, very smiley, but able to be without me for short periods without crying. Easy toddler - very energetic, but able to be redirected, still good natured, friendly, outgoing, not a lick of separation anxiety. So that's what I was used to. I figured, NO problem - two of these? I can handle this any day, I'm an awesome mom and AP is da bomb. DS was 2 yrs 5 months when DD was born. Let's just say she knocked me down a few pegs . In the first year, I often felt like I had no idea what I was doing and was barely treading water, and had no idea why I had wanted to do it again. She was very intense from day one, had major separation anxiety for her entire first 18 months (actually I think there were 2 months in there around 10 months old that she would let me leave her line of sight without screaming), and is an introverted personality...and it had nothing to do with my parenting, I parented her the same way I parented DS, it was her temperament and personality.

But still - it's all OK, it all worked out. It was hairy the first year, for sure - I woke up one morning after the first 3 or 4 months DD was born and it was like coming out of a fog, like, "what the !%@$ just happened?" and from there things slowly (sometimes VERY slowly) got better. She's delightful, stubborn, funny, grumpy, cute, loud, and smart. I can't imagine our family without her...and if she was born or conceived at any other time, well, it wouldn't be *her*, you know?

Sooo...even if it knocks you for a loop for a while, it WILL get better. Remember that. Just keep going. You're going to be FINE. You'll all be fine.

Thank you for your honesty and kindness...this post made me feel good...s

[rainbowmoon]

I felt exactly this way before DD was born. (My DS & DD are 17months apart) Just think of it this way, instead one baby to enjoy now you will have TWO!!!! It will be WONDERFUL don't worry!!!!

The transition from one to two for me was pretty easy. Then 2 weeks after DD was born my DH died. That made things difficult but I wouldn't change having 2 so close together for anything! It's really THAT much fun! The only downside is two times of any stage and one after another..DS will go through something one year (like say teething) then DD is next the very next year. It's like clockwork and actually helpful as I know exactly what to expect and how to deal as I just went through it with the first!

The workload was pretty seamless for me. I didn't notice a huge difference when they were small other than a bit more laundry. My 2nd (DD) was actually way easier than DS as with DS I had BF problems and spent many hours pumping and with a lact-aid for several months.

I was already cloth diapering my first so that wasn't a huge deal but I did end up doing a load of diapers PER day for about 19 months until my oldest potty learned at 3.

Sleep issues were minimal for us as I had 2 very good sleepers and we coslept and still do for the most part). They both went through a spurt of light sleeping at 18mo and would sleep in a pack n play in my room at that point then return to the bed..(not sure if that was a developmental thing or what but that's what I suspect)

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by rainbowmoon

I felt exactly this way before DD was born. (My DS & DD are 17months apart) Just think of it this way, instead one baby to enjoy now you will have TWO!!!! It will be WONDERFUL don't worry!!!!

The transition from one to two for me was pretty easy. Then 2 weeks after DD was born my DH died. That made things difficult but I wouldn't change having 2 so close together for anything! It's really THAT much fun! The only downside is two times of any stage and one after another..DS will go through something one year (like say teething) then DD is next the very next year. It's like clockwork and actually helpful as I know exactly what to expect and how to deal as I just went through it with the first!

The workload was pretty seamless for me. I didn't notice a huge difference when they were small other than a bit more laundry. My 2nd (DD) was actually way easier than DS as with DS I had BF problems and spent many hours pumping and with a lact-aid for several months.

I was already cloth diapering my first so that wasn't a huge deal but I did end up doing a load of diapers PER day for about 19 months until my oldest potty learned at 3.

Sleep issues were minimal for us as I had 2 very good sleepers and we coslept and still do for the most part). They both went through a spurt of light sleeping at 18mo and would sleep in a pack n play in my room at that point then return to the bed..(not sure if that was a developmental thing or what but that's what I suspect)

Thank you for your words...I'm absolutely stunned at the deep and tragic loss you suffered at such a difficult time...Im so sorry for that loss, you are amazing to have triumphed so...s I just don't even have the words to tell you how sorry I am that you experienced that.

I'm hoping so hard that sleep isn't a problem...DD has been such a great sleeper, a few bumps in the road here and there as she hit different phases...but really, very good sleeper since day one...so maybe that is also getting me spooked...DD has been one of those "walk in the park" kids and the fear of the unknown, whether this kiddo will be "easy" like her or maybe really HN, or in the middle somewhere...just not knowing what I'm in for is probably a reason I'm getting jittery!

[The4OfUs]

Aw, mama. Here's the thing: Even if you do get pushed past your limits *sometimes*, you're not your mom. You take your own experience and make your life different, you're making the change, breaking the cycle -and that is POWERFUL. Even if you stumble (which we all do, some days more than others), it doesn't mean that the next day you don't wake up and try again, get your focus back, and move forward. My mom was very gentle, I call her the 'female Mr. Rogers'...but in fairness, I was a VERY easy child by nature. So I never had yelling or harsh parenting modeled to me as a kid, and yet I find myself struggling sometimes. Just because you make mistakes does not doom you to repeat your entire past - you learn from your mistakes, you acknowledge them, you apologize sincerely and you move forward...even just recognizing all that from your past and wanting to change it gives you a leg up.

I have ideals and philosophies that I strive for - but when I don't make the mark in any given moment or day or week, I make amends, forgive myself, and move forward, striving again. Just having the ideals in place helps me feel better, to recenter and focus...but don't get so focused on those ideals that when you fall short you are too hard on yourself.

[rainbowmoon]

Awww thanks mama. Actually I do believe it was having my littles so close in age helped me through it all tremendously. It was very grounding at the time.

Now they are 4 and 5yo and a HANDFUL. The baby years were waaaay easier in comparison! Not to scare you or anything! it's still a load of fun! (I have a new DP now of one year, after being a single mom for 3 years so it's been a transition to say the least)

As for the sleeping..I think my second was easier than the first. My first was a very sound sleeper too so the youngest never really woke up the oldest. Don't worry too much about that though as it will work itself out. Just enjoy!

[rainbowmoon]

wise wise words!

Originally Posted by The4OfUs

Aw, mama. Here's the thing: Even if you do get pushed past your limits *sometimes*, you're not your mom. You take your own experience and make your life different, you're making the change, breaking the cycle -and that is POWERFUL. Even if you stumble (which we all do, some days more than others), it doesn't mean that the next day you don't wake up and try again, get your focus back, and move forward. My mom was very gentle, I call her the 'female Mr. Rogers'...but in fairness, I was a VERY easy child by nature. So I never had yelling or harsh parenting modeled to me as a kid, and yet I find myself struggling sometimes. Just because you make mistakes does not doom you to repeat your entire past - you learn from your mistakes, you acknowledge them, you apologize sincerely and you move forward...even just recognizing all that from your past and wanting to change it gives you a leg up.

I have ideals and philosophies that I strive for - but when I don't make the mark in any given moment or day or week, I make amends, forgive myself, and move forward, striving again. Just having the ideals in place helps me feel better, to recenter and focus...but don't get so focused on those ideals that when you fall short you are too hard on yourself.

[LionTigerBear]

I have not read all of the posts. My words may not be necessarily comforting in the moment. Here is what I wish someone had told me: it may be very hard at first. And by "a first" I mean, for a year or so. If I knew then what I know now-- if I had it to do again-- I would have spaced my children a few months further apart-- they are all two years and a few months apart and especially in this last instance, it was too close for us.

A couple things that influenced how hard it has been for us, are: DH works a lot and is not home as much as he or any of us would like him to be. Having another very involved parent in the house would have been tremendously helpful for everyone. Also, my second son, at two-years-old, is still very much a mama's boy, very attached. He still needed me to cuddle him to sleep every night, and for naps, and hold him a lot. We tried to wean him off of this while I was pregnant, which was very hard on him and I think hurt his feelings. After the baby came I just couldn't, which resulted in LOTS of stress and tears for him and me. It was, quite frankly, horrible, and it tore me apart with mama-guilt. Now, when I went from one to two kids (last time) my older son, the same age, was more independent already-- just his personality-- but it was still hard then. I used to be much closer to both of my boys. We don't have the same close relationship anymore, and I do believe we could have. I feel like I betrayed them on some level-- even though I did the best I knew how.

Some of the lowest moments of my whole life-- the ones I wish I could erase and do-over, that will haunt me forever-- are the times right after I had an additional child, and, bleary-eyed and sleep-deprived, found myself pushing a crying toddler away in frustration, and yelling at them. Of course I have apologized to them, but the damage is done.

Will it get better? It already is getting better, gradually. But some things you can never fix. My advice would be to be very realistic about what MAY lie ahead, and line up as much help and support as you possibly can for the months following the birth. If I had it to do again, I would move mountains to get my older children the time and attention they needed-- and for me, more rest and help at home. I would have asked DH to take a sabbatical from college. Or, on the other hand, to put off having kids-- but not both. Anything, even drastic-- it would have been worth it.

BTW, seven months out, my two-year-old-- almost three-year-old-- is still acting out his anger aggressively. I try to show him how much I love him, and that he will always be my baby, too-- but the hurt is still there.