Mamas...is it REALLY going to be okay? - Page 3

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Originally Posted by AverysMomma

Thank you women for your words...hearing all these perspectives and experiences is really great...just feeling like I'm not alone makes such a huge difference.

I must admit that I do not look forward to the moment where my gaze turns from my NB boy cub to my baby girl...who is going to look GIGANTIC next to his tiny little body...she is my little cream puff, I don't WANT her to look so big...but I know it is okay, I can at least TELL myself that it will be okay...not bad, just different, a new way of being.

The fact that you are thinking about this and planning before hand is wonderful! I think sometimes some moms are so blindsided by the difference in having to take care of two, that it can be very frightening. You already know that there will be struggles, but that you will get through them. That in itself will make it easier. You also know you are not alone, and that goes a long way to help with the fear. So enjoy your few weeks of just you and your dd, and then the new adventure begins! You will be ok, and your dd will be ok.

[LianneM]

It's definitely good you are preparing yourself. I wish I had been more prepared.

Having 2 has been really, really hard for me. I can't really pinpoint what it is but it's really hard.

I echo all the wonderful things too - seeing them play together and love on each other, seeing my big boy step up and help his little sister, tandem nursing and seeing how much they love sharing milky, etc.

There are tons of REALLY WONDERFUL things.

And it's also really hard.

Having support in the beginning is really important. DS really wanted to be a baby again, seeing all the attention his sister got, and we let him play that out and went with it. It helped a lot with the behavior issues that came out.

The hardest thing for me, though, when I sit and think about it, isn't the overwhelm I felt/feel (I still feel it at least once a week, and it's been 15mo). It's the fact that my relationship with my son is changed and will never be the same. We'll never have the closeness we used to have. I miss that a lot. When his sister was born, he changed and I changed, and we're in a different place now. We are still close, but it is not the same and I miss it.

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by AverysMomma

2. Do you think that an 18 month old will do well with being present to see her brother born? We are UCing and I really prefer being alone and sort of crawling inside myself when I give birth...so I'm thinking DH can spend time with her (if she's even awake) while I am birthing and then when I call DH to catch the boy cub, can bring baby in and she can see....I just feel like SEEING where the baby comes from will help her...to SEE that he came out of me...and not that we went to the store to get him, or that the mail man brought him...maybe could lessen the confusion. She is not quite old enough to truly understand that he is inside of me right now, sometimes when he is going crazy in there kicking and punching, she feels him move with her face and smiles and we talk about a baby being in there...but her words for "baby" and "poopies" are kind of similar at the moment and I think she thinks I'm telling her there is poop in me....because sometimes when I feel my belly and say "baby, the baby is in here" - she grabs my hand and leads me to the bathroom and looks at me like "okay, go!".

My DD was there when I UC-ed. Though I am the kind of person who crawls into themselves during birth, it was nice to have her there. She slept during labor, and woke up as I hit transition. She was so sweet. She handed me drinks of gatorade, and kept saying "baby, baby". Instinctively, she also knew when to go away. I am sure that having seen her brother come into the world has made my kids closer. She still talks about the birth sometimes, and about when she was a tiny little baby herself. I would just judge as you go. Have DH spend time with your DD if you want peace and quiet away from both of them, or have them their if it makes you all feel comfortable. Of course, DD might just sleep through the whole thing if you happen to give birth in the night.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by MittensKittens

My DD was there when I UC-ed. Though I am the kind of person who crawls into themselves during birth, it was nice to have her there. She slept during labor, and woke up as I hit transition. She was so sweet. She handed me drinks of gatorade, and kept saying "baby, baby". Instinctively, she also knew when to go away. I am sure that having seen her brother come into the world has made my kids closer. She still talks about the birth sometimes, and about when she was a tiny little baby herself. I would just judge as you go. Have DH spend time with your DD if you want peace and quiet away from both of them, or have them their if it makes you all feel comfortable. Of course, DD might just sleep through the whole thing if you happen to give birth in the night.

Yeah, I'm thinkin' we'll just play it by ear...I think this guy is going to come at night like his sister did...she will probably be sleeping...which honestly makes me really sad, I like the idea of her seeing where he came from...it seems to me that could be mighty confusing for a wee lass such as herself...you go to bed the only little whippersnapper in the house...and wake up to a little wrinkly baby!! I hope she is able to see it...at least, if she is sleeping, DH can film the even and then she can see it....

[Rainbow2911]

When my dd was born (by UC) my ds1 was asleep. He got up about an hour after she arrived and gave her a quick kiss before getting his breakfast. Her arrival was pretty much a non-event for him - much less interesting than food! He was curious about my bump and curious about her but I don't think it would have made a big impact seeing her born. We did watch birth videos together in case he was around when she was born and he did think the breathing was funny!
When ds2 was born my kids were older (2.5 and 4). They were around through my labour but went to bed just before the birth part. Ds1 couldn't sleep until he had seen the baby though so we fetched him to give his new brother a kiss. Again, they were not interested in seeing the baby come out - just in seeing the baby. And it was easier for me not having them in the room - I like to go into myself too and I was able to do that more with them not there are me not in Mum mode.
I say plan for having someone to distract her in another room just in case but welcome her if that is the way things turn out.
I think the baby doll idea is great - my kids have all had presents from the new baby. I also took them shopping before the birth to choose something to give to him.

[LionTigerBear]

Originally Posted by The4OfUs

I LOVE this paragraph. Thank you.

I second that. Thank you for your perspective, Storm Bride. It's nice to know that you survived living through it as a child, and that you were fine and still have a good relationship with your mom!

I think that when you come from a background of not having a good childhood or relationship with your mom, like me and AverysMomma, it can be hard to know how much suffering is kind of normal and okay, and how much is "too much". There's less of a frame of reference for what's within the realms of "normal/healthy".

[WC_hapamama]

Originally Posted by AverysMomma

I must admit that I do not look forward to the moment where my gaze turns from my NB boy cub to my baby girl...who is going to look GIGANTIC next to his tiny little body...she is my little cream puff, I don't WANT her to look so big...but I know it is okay, I can at least TELL myself that it will be okay...not bad, just different, a new way of being.

My older two are 23 months apart, and I remember when my MIL brought oldest DS to visit me in the hospital after ds2 was born. My first thought was "Holy Cow! When did ds1 get so darned big!". It wasn't a sad moment as much as "Wow, look how far he's come."

The baby doll thing might not work out so well. I remember we got ds1 a baby doll when he was about 18 months old, and he spent most of the time dragging it around by a leg, although he used to snuggle with his little Snoopy beanie baby. My DD did the same thing with her first baby doll, so I don't think it was a boy thing.

[_betsy_]

I worried about this myself. But, truly, it all seems to work out.

My girls are 27 months apart.

DD1 was such a baby when the baby was born, but trying to be a Big Girl in so many ways. Overnight, she turned into a Big Girl to us, because the baby was so tiny, so much more needy and dependent, etc. It's been important to us to remember that although she seems so much bigger, she's really just a 3-year-old with a 3-yo's wants/needs/understanding/vocabulary/emotions, etc.

The baby is now 9 months old and *this close* to walking. She's always been on the go, physically. But she's so much easier to me than DD1 was. In part that's because I've learned so much about parenting and about myself by being DD1's mother, but also because she's such a different baby, a different personality and temperament.

I remember worrying about this when I was PG with DD2. And I asked about it here. And the kind MDC mamas told me something that really set my mind at ease and helped me. They said that subsequent kids just sort of fit in somehow. That Baby #2 just FITS.

I've asked other new moms of 2 if their #2 "just fits" and all have said something like "Yeah, that's a good way to put it, s/he just fits into the family."

It all works out, it does.

Yeah, there's going to be moments you aren't proud of. But that would probably be true if DC1 was older, too. Yeah, the older kid is going to get the shaft sometimes, and they are going to be forced to grow up a little faster right now (at least in your eyes) than they would have had they remained an only. Yeah, you're going to be cranky, short and irritated with them upon occasion. But you'll all survive.

I think being home for the birth will help with the bonding. I had to have a hospital birth, and DD1 didn't meet the baby until some 36 hours later because of a snowstorm and other things that hampered our plans. That SUCKED. I hated that. But they are best of friends now, and DD1 adores DD2.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by AverysMomma

I must admit that I do not look forward to the moment where my gaze turns from my NB boy cub to my baby girl...who is going to look GIGANTIC next to his tiny little body...she is my little cream puff, I don't WANT her to look so big...but I know it is okay, I can at least TELL myself that it will be okay...not bad, just different, a new way of being.

DS2 was not quite 4 (one month shy, exactly) when I had dd2. He's about 42-43 pounds. When he came to see me in the hospital, he looked immense...just unbelievably huge. But, dd2 is 3 months old now, and while I still see ds2 as much bigger than I did before I had dd2, he doesn't look like that, anymore. He's my little boy again. He is, unquestionably, more mature in every respect than he was at the end of my pregnancy. But, he's little - he's still little. I didn't think he was for a few weeks, but my perspective has stabilized again. It's all good.

[Shahbazin]

My 2 DDs are 14 1/2 months apart. DD1 & DH were with me during her sister's birth (in a hospital, with a doula - I moved around a lot & had no interventions). She got a little worried towards the beginning of the pushing phase, when I was a bit noisy, but DH was there for her, & she watched her sister born & seemed fascinated by this new little person. We brought her Pack n Play for her to nap & play in, & some toys, stories, & snacks.

Frankly, just going from 0-1 was not easy - DD1 literally could not be set down for about 8 months, & didn't walk until 14 months. Going out of sight - ha! But she was OK with me sitting & reading her things, & playing with her sitting down, when I was heavily pregnant, as long as she could lean on me, or touch me in some way; nursing her sister was just an extension of that, as she was used to me sitting with her (I would have tried tandeming, but she had tapered off a lot & nursed for the last time about 3 days before her sister was born). So going from 1-2 was easy in some ways, hard in others. I couldn't set DD2 down either, as she had severe reflux problems, & preferred sleeping on her tummy upright on my chest; when she was 3 months old, our house burned down in a wildfire, & we moved in with relatives; like some people have said, that 1st year or so with both of them was pretty blurry, but for a lot of reasons!

I didn't actually have them interact with each other a lot, except with very close supervision, until DD2 was about a year old & starting to walk, just because her sister liked her, but tended to be a little rough with her because she was so little herself. I used a Pack N Play a lot, to set one in while the other buzzed around.

At 2 and a bit, & almost 3 1/2, my DDs are best friends, play together pretty well, & will hug each other & tell her sister she loves her. My oldest does not remember a world in which her sister was not there, & they both pile into my lap, one on each leg, to hear stories. It helps that their personalities are so different; DD1 is cautious, intense, & wants to lead - DD2 is bold, easy-going, & is happy to go along with her sister's ideas.

In some ways, I've wished we'd gone for greater spacing; but I'm also finally getting to the point where I can see that someday, looking back at this time, I think we'll be glad that our 2 are so close.