i'm not really sure why i'm posting this. i think i just need some insight on where to go from here. i think DH is getting tired of me venting to him and he doesn't really know how to comfort me with all this. i feel like this belongs here and not in the Personal Growth forum but if a mod thinks it should be moved i understand.
DS is a wonderful, loving, goofy kid. that is until we tell him "no" or we don't do exactly what he wants and explodes. i just finish "The Explosive Child" and that's totally him. he also has sensory issues that i'm sure play into his anger, aggression and anxiety. i think DH and i were in denial about his issues until he started kindergarten this year. now that i'm looking back there were lots of obvious sign we just passed off as phases. the first 4 weeks of school were hell for all of us. i attempted to pull him out but was offered to switch his teachers. his new teacher is perfect for him and has had no real issues with him which is polar opposite from his other teacher. according to the psychiatrist we've seen he's got ADHD, ODD and anxiety. she wants us to medicate him but i'm wary for so many reasons. the main one being that's she's basing this on two 30 minute chats and two questionnaires(one from parent, one from old teacher). i don't feel that we've even scratched the surface on what's going on with him.
watching what DS is going through has opened some old wounds within me. he could be my clone in the behavior department. i had severe anxiety as a child. my family liked to joke about how cute is was that i would scream for hours if anyone but my mom held me. i was on Zantac back when it was a prescription for chronic stomach aches that we could never find the cause of. i think i was in second grade when that started. i was very impulsive, aggressive, violent with my siblings. one little thing would set me off and i would instantly flip into a rage. i almost broke my sister's(7 years older then me) nose when i was around 3 when i attacked her. my younger brother was my daily punching bag. i still carry a lot of guilt about hurting him for years. i think i know exactly what DS is feeling when he gets upset. it's a very scary feeling to feel out of control when you're that little. you really just want to make something/someone hurt as bad as you feel. i didn't know how to socialize properly. i was always labeled shy and hated any attention that came my way, good or bad.
in middle school i got severely depressed when my parents pulled me out of school to home school. their idea of home schooling was handing me my workbooks and telling me i was on my own. i lost what little socialization skills i had during those two years. when i returned to school in high school i became suicidal and began cutting myself. there were days when i couldn't speak yet still carried out the physical needs to get through a day of school. at some point i broke down and asked for help. all that did was confuse me more. i never opened up to the therapist. the drugs made me feel weird. i went through 4 within a year. nothing helped until i switched to a smaller school. it was a art based charter school. i made friends with a very outgoing girl and she helped pull me out of my shell a bit. she drove me nuts but was always at my side. i rarely had enough time to dwell on my issues and things just got buried. i met DH when i was still in high school. i basically shifted from her to him. he's been at my side constantly for nearly 10 years. i get pretty crazy when he's not around. i feel bad because i depend on him to keep me sane. i know he feels it and it's not fair to him. i don't think i've ever addressed what's really going on with me.
so here i am now. mother of two young child. severely doubting my abilities to care for others. i'm scared of what will happen to DS. i really want to address my issues but i don't think i can for a little while. we need to focus on getting DS first. i think i want to get a full evaluation if that's possible. i can identify with Asperger's, OCD, Sensory Disorders and any number of personality disorders. i think i'm finally open to trying medication again. i really just want to heal and be happy or at least happier with my life. i want to be a better mother and not lash out at my kids. i want my husband to not have to worry about going out with his friends and come home to a psycho wife.
DS is a wonderful, loving, goofy kid. that is until we tell him "no" or we don't do exactly what he wants and explodes. i just finish "The Explosive Child" and that's totally him. he also has sensory issues that i'm sure play into his anger, aggression and anxiety. i think DH and i were in denial about his issues until he started kindergarten this year. now that i'm looking back there were lots of obvious sign we just passed off as phases. the first 4 weeks of school were hell for all of us. i attempted to pull him out but was offered to switch his teachers. his new teacher is perfect for him and has had no real issues with him which is polar opposite from his other teacher. according to the psychiatrist we've seen he's got ADHD, ODD and anxiety. she wants us to medicate him but i'm wary for so many reasons. the main one being that's she's basing this on two 30 minute chats and two questionnaires(one from parent, one from old teacher). i don't feel that we've even scratched the surface on what's going on with him.
watching what DS is going through has opened some old wounds within me. he could be my clone in the behavior department. i had severe anxiety as a child. my family liked to joke about how cute is was that i would scream for hours if anyone but my mom held me. i was on Zantac back when it was a prescription for chronic stomach aches that we could never find the cause of. i think i was in second grade when that started. i was very impulsive, aggressive, violent with my siblings. one little thing would set me off and i would instantly flip into a rage. i almost broke my sister's(7 years older then me) nose when i was around 3 when i attacked her. my younger brother was my daily punching bag. i still carry a lot of guilt about hurting him for years. i think i know exactly what DS is feeling when he gets upset. it's a very scary feeling to feel out of control when you're that little. you really just want to make something/someone hurt as bad as you feel. i didn't know how to socialize properly. i was always labeled shy and hated any attention that came my way, good or bad.
in middle school i got severely depressed when my parents pulled me out of school to home school. their idea of home schooling was handing me my workbooks and telling me i was on my own. i lost what little socialization skills i had during those two years. when i returned to school in high school i became suicidal and began cutting myself. there were days when i couldn't speak yet still carried out the physical needs to get through a day of school. at some point i broke down and asked for help. all that did was confuse me more. i never opened up to the therapist. the drugs made me feel weird. i went through 4 within a year. nothing helped until i switched to a smaller school. it was a art based charter school. i made friends with a very outgoing girl and she helped pull me out of my shell a bit. she drove me nuts but was always at my side. i rarely had enough time to dwell on my issues and things just got buried. i met DH when i was still in high school. i basically shifted from her to him. he's been at my side constantly for nearly 10 years. i get pretty crazy when he's not around. i feel bad because i depend on him to keep me sane. i know he feels it and it's not fair to him. i don't think i've ever addressed what's really going on with me.
so here i am now. mother of two young child. severely doubting my abilities to care for others. i'm scared of what will happen to DS. i really want to address my issues but i don't think i can for a little while. we need to focus on getting DS first. i think i want to get a full evaluation if that's possible. i can identify with Asperger's, OCD, Sensory Disorders and any number of personality disorders. i think i'm finally open to trying medication again. i really just want to heal and be happy or at least happier with my life. i want to be a better mother and not lash out at my kids. i want my husband to not have to worry about going out with his friends and come home to a psycho wife.
