needing help

[2much2luv]

I am feeling awful here. Dd is 2 weeks old and I think I definately have some PPD going on. I have skimmed around some of the posts on here but got a little lost. I just don't know where to start to help myself. :
I am hating my life. I can't stand my children most of the time. It is so awful to say that. I have a good moment/day here and there, but pretty much feeling bad most of the time. I can't stand nursing. I just don't like my children anymore. The little things they do get to me. I am just digging through each day and feeling soooo guilty because I feel like I am wrecking my relationship with them. I am not a good faker and i know they pick up on my bad bad feelings. I just feel like I am wrecking them and crippling them. I do love them and care for them, of course, and I hate what I am doing to us.
Anyway, this is all very rambling and disorganized. Sorry about that. I am not feeling very organized right now. Basically I just need advice about what to do. I feel I am to the point that i need help of some sort. Where to start? Should I go see a MD or a naturopath? So far I guess I am just trying to get through the day. Today was the first day so far that I could not get out of bed and allowed myself to veg on the couch for way too long while the girls were up by themselves...I guess that is partly what spurned me to get on here and talk about it. Most days though I make myself get up and do household chores so that the house doesn't become a wreck and destroy me. I go back and forth trying to involve myself with the girls and seperating myself from them to try to balance something there. One thing I am not doing that I see on here is getting outdoors. It is FRIGID here so that kind of inhibits it, but still, we could bundle up and take a quick stroll I guess. I really don't get out much at all. Dh is in school and working full time and had the car most of these times so we generally stay home.
I am totally rambling...sorry. Basically I think I need some help but have no idea where or what or who. Thanks so much in advance...
Beth

[Jish]

Beth, I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. It's tough to surf through old posts when you feel like crap. It definitely sounds like you are having some PPD issues. When it gets to the point where you can't get out of bed or get off of the couch, and you begin disliking or resenting your children, I think it is definitely time to get help.

Where you go for help is up to you. If you go to an MD, they will likely put you on meds. I've been on meds and they worked wonders for me, so I am definitely not anti-med, but some people don't want to start there. You could see a therapist for some talk therapy, but the results won't be as quick as with meds, and often therapy is combined with an antidepressant. You could start with a naturopath, and frankly, I have no idea what they would "prescribe" but it works for some people. I think that it is a lot more trial and error than an antidepressant and might take longer to see the effects, but it is the choice of some.

For some, they get a case of the "baby blues" and it passes in a couple of weeks, but frankly, judging from your post, it doesn't sound like this is the case with you. I don't think that waiting to see if you get better is much of an option. It sounds like the hole you are falling into is pretty deep, and (mind you, this is just my opinion from my personal experience) that you could use help now to maintain your relationship with your children. Your getting healthy not only benefits you, but it benefits your children and your entire family. Your kids need a healthy mother and you need to do what you can to be that mother. Were I in your place (and I likely will be in a couple months) I would see a doctor. Antidepressants aren't a cop out, they fix a physical ill in the body. Your brain chemistry is out of whack and needs help getting back to normal. You won't be on them forever (the average is 6 to 12 months, but some moms stay on them until they wean.)

Most of the SSRI's are considered safe for breastfeeding and many of the moms here do so. Many go through entire pregnanies on them.

The thing to remember is that you don't have to be miserable, and your being sick helps no one. Depression isn't a personality flaw that you can just "get over" as some people who have no clue about depression will tell you. It is a physical illness, a chemical imbalance in the brain. Don't feel bad for needing or asking for help.

If you have any questions, let us know here and we will be glad to help. Let us know what you decide and keep us posted on how you are doing. I hope things will look up soon.

[2much2luv]

Thank you, jish.
It is so hard to make that decision to finally get some help. I remember going through these feelings last time too. I will have an ok day or moment and think there is nothing wrong and put off that phone call to make an appointment, but then the bad feelings come back and I wish I had the energy to make that phone call.
I just need to get over my self blame. In some ways the thought of a pill that will make me feel ok is great, but then I think what kind of mother am I if I need drugs to love my children???
I think I will talk to an herbalist today to see what she can recomend and start on that, give some natural remedies a try, but if I am still feeling this way in a week or so I will go see an MD. Would I go to my CNM that I saw some for pregnancy or a regular MD, because I don't really have a regular MD. Thanks so much for your advice.
Can you also tell me what will happen when I go in? I am nervous about an actual doctor visit. Will they interview me to decide if I am really depressed, ask personal questions? What drugs are prescribed? This all makes me very nervous.
Thanks again.
Beth

[Jish]

In some ways the thought of a pill that will make me feel ok is great, but then I think what kind of mother am I if I need drugs to love my children???

Whoa, you are selling yourself short here. Depression is a sneaky illness that invades our lives in so many different ways and can really rack us with guilt over something we have very little control over. Please don't feel like you need a pill to love your children -- you love your children, trust me. What you need help with is getting your brain back on track. Depression affects us not only mentally, but emotionally and physically. As it starts to drain you you feel the effects you are feeling now. The good thing is that you see that something is wrong and you care for your family enough to take steps now to help yourself.

As for my experience, you don't want that, trust me.:LOL My depression began when my ds2 was about a year old. It went on with me slowly feeling more and more anxiety about my health (that's how mine manifests). About seven months after it began, I started having heart palpitations, racing heart, shortness of breath, strange pains, etc. All symptoms of a heart attack. I was 32 at the time and scared to death. I was going in to see my internist sometimes weekly, but she kept telling me their was nothing wrong with me and that I was a hypochondriac. This went on from May to August. Me knowing something was wrong, and her blowing me off. In August I really began to get bad and by September, there were days I couldn't get out of bed to care for my kids. My body began to give out and I was so scared I was dying of something they just weren't finding.

Thanks to my scared and supportive dh, he took me to the ER on night where I was diagnsosed with depression, and found out that all those "attacks" I'd been having were panic attacks. The ER docs cared enough to show me the symptoms and sure enough, I had a bunch of them. I ended up being admitted to the hospital for six days where I was put on Lexapro (an SSRI) and Ativan (an anti-anxiety med) I was able to eat again and start gaining weight.

I guess I'm the example of what happens when you have a crappy doctor.:LOL The thing that makes me so mad is I feel like I lost a year of my life because of her (my original doc.) Once I got on the meds I was amazed to find out how truly bad I had become. I had no idea. It had all just become sort of normal, and I could no longer remember what normal was.

Your midwife would be a good place to start, and she could suggest a doctor for you. She would not be able to prescribe anything, though. You have a couple of choice as far as a MD goes. You could go to an obgyn, an internist (who is supposed to be the next best thing to a psychiatrist when it comes to depression, however, my doctor was an internist and she was awful) or a psychiatrist. Much depends on your insurance, but from my experience, I'm partial to Psychiatrists. A psychiatrist will be the best versed in the medications, much more so than an Obgyn or internist who will likely give you samples of whatever she has. A psychiatrist will typically have an hour appointment for the first appointment so that they can assess you more fully, rather than just give you the med and say "good luck, call me if you need anything." If they prescribe a med, they will typically want to see you at regular intervals to ensure that it is doing what it should and that you are getting the right results. They will be able to answer questions about the effects, side effects, and what you should expect. My follow up appointments are tyypically about a half hour and it gives me a chance to ask any questions, talk about concerns, but it isn't therapy. If I want to delve into my past, he would refer me to a therapist. He is an MD and treats the medical illness, not the emotional things in my past. I'm sure that there are some Psychiatrists who do therapy, but I don't know of many.

If you haven't done it already, take the self quiz in the sticky thread at the top of the board. Take it honestly and print it out to take with you to the doc. It is a great tool for them to know what is going on with you, and you don't have to try to remember everything, and every little symptom -- it's all there. Good luck, and I'm so happy that you are going to get help. You deserve to feel good.

[2much2luv]

Thank you.
The link in the sticky doesn't work. :

[MaWhit]

Wow. Fancy meeting you here. Great minds, huh?

The link didn't work for me either, but kellymom.com had a PPD quiz and some info.

You might look into the community mental health center. That's probably where Medicaid would send you too. You could just go in and talk to someone without starting out with meds if that makes you uncomfortable.

I'm also thinking that Pulsatilla may be of some help, but I don't have access to my reference books right now so I'm not sure about that. And when I get back home (in 5 days), I can call the herbalist that helped us with Marian's pneumonia and everyone's flu and I'll find out what she suggests for PPD.

[2much2luv]

Thanks whit.
I found a quiz online and scored a 69, the highest number in the mederate to severe section. I guess I need to take their advice and see someone....I remember taking one of those quizzes sometime after Hero was born and scoring badly but I still put off getting help. I refuse to let this drag out for another year like last time!

[gilnikche]

I fixed the link.

[its_our_family]

Well, I guess I don't have a lot to offer but a big

I had similar issues after having Tracy. I didn't have other children to think about though. Life just felt dark and dull. I had no joy. I jsut wanted to sit and jsut exist. (Sometimes not even that) It took me a long time to realize what was happening to me. I agree with Jish in that depression is a sneaky thing, especially when you aren't watching for it.

You aren't alone in all of this, not by a long shot.

[EllasMama]

Have a sick and whiny child on lap, so not much time...

Those good days really throw you for a loop, don't they? I can so relate. Every time I was ready to get help, along would come an okay day and I'd be convinced I'd turned a corner. Finally after about the zillionth time I realized my optimism was probably a little misguided!

Find someone you trust to help you and follow your instincts. Try several if you don't feel a connection or like you're getting the help you need. I like my naturopath but she was convinced that I didn't need antidepressants, that almost no one does. I tried vitamin B shots and tons of vitamins and herbal remedies, but in the end I DID need an antidepressant (had to go elsewhere to get it as she couldn't prescribe). I just couldn't get things on track by myself, I was too far gone to perk back up, eat well, exercise, etc. just because I wanted to.

You don't need drugs to love your children - it's very obvious that you love them. You may need drugs to love yourself, though. By loving yourself, I mean believing that you are worthy of feeling better, which you ARE. Regardless of the measures you have to take between now and regaining that feeling (therapy, meds, vitamins, breaks, etc.), the end result will be that you will be a better mother for having taken those steps: one not only with love, but with the energy and hope to feel and express that love better.

Good luck and let us know how things are going.

Carol