WWYD/just need to be sad - Page 2

[NiteNicole]

I asked if she was faking limping at my moms and they said not that they noticed, which probably means not at all. I was slightly worried that my dad would take it in his head to "take care of this" and it would be an issue. Also, my mom certainly would have called her on it. No back and forth potty issues either.

This is not the first time we've left somewhere because of some issue so I know sometimes ya just have to. Ugh, I hate it. And when she starts some new weird phase (or like when she wouldn't sleep at night or the potty training wasn't going as well as I'd hoped) I do start to panic that it's ALWAYS going to be like this and it will NEVER get better and I sort of have some internal freak outs. In reality, she hits new phases very suddenly (like never tried to walk, just one day got up and walked) and ends them just as quickly and I try to remind myself of that but then I see myself carting her out of every store we go in till she's fifteen and I get a little fluttery.

I honestly thought she was probably past the wt limit for strollers at this point. I haven't used ours since she could walk. Oddly, she has almost always been very cooperative in situations where we might need one so we just didn't use it and let her walk.

I have more and will respond more later, but right now she's buzzing around my feet for my attention so we're going to go outside for a bit.

Thanks SO MUCH for all the input. It helps to just talk through it.

[A&A]

I saw a documentary about a boy who had a serious problem in his leg but everyone thought he was faking his limp.

[TinyMama]

Just popping in here.

Personally, I would take her to the dr. Assuming he/she says it's nothing, I might try a "fake" sickbed for a few days. Set her up in bed with books and a drink as though she is sick. Fawn all over her at first--"Oh, I'm so sorry your leg hurts. I hope it feels better soon, and you can walk properly again. When you can, we will do _______. Now I have some work to do, while you get better." Then leave. Continue boring her for a few days.

I can't imagine a healthy kid who could stay in bed all day for more than a day or two. This way, she gets to exert control over you, and it gives her a way to give up the limp while maintaining her dignity. I can't see any way for her to just stop if it is a power thing--she's protecting her pride here.

[Dandelionkid]

Bring a book with you (for yourself). Sit down at the first sign of a limp and tell her you'll start going again when she is ready to move. Read your book. Disengage every time.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by TinyMama

Just popping in here.

Personally, I would take her to the dr. Assuming he/she says it's nothing, I might try a "fake" sickbed for a few days. Set her up in bed with books and a drink as though she is sick. Fawn all over her at first--"Oh, I'm so sorry your leg hurts. I hope it feels better soon, and you can walk properly again. When you can, we will do _______. Now I have some work to do, while you get better." Then leave. Continue boring her for a few days.

I can't imagine a healthy kid who could stay in bed all day for more than a day or two. This way, she gets to exert control over you, and it gives her a way to give up the limp while maintaining her dignity. I can't see any way for her to just stop if it is a power thing--she's protecting her pride here.

I like that idea.

My ds does get foot pain. Maybe due to high arches? I don't know, still trying to problem solve it. But he will run run run at the playground because he is distracted. In more boring situations (walking to and from the bus or on errands) he will complain more. So just because a kid runs and plays when they are happy doesn't mean that they don't have a problem. When they are tired, bored, hungry or cranky, their pain threshold can be much lower. Just wanted to point that out in general, not to the OP particularly.

My ds was a stroller boy until he was about 5. I loved it. He was happy. I could get out and about with a happy child and get exercise.

[4evermom]

You could also cajole her to go slower because you are concerned she is going too fast and might fall.

[karne]

I think that you have absolutely nothing to lose by taking your dd to the doctor. Zero. If there is a physical issue, she is in distress, and needs intervention. If she is having an emotional/psychological issue, she is in distress, and needs help. It's the same thing. Kids behavior tells us something about what's going on physically or emotionally for them. Our message to them should be that we hear them, and we can help. If the help from ourselves doesn't do the trick, help from a doctor or therapist will. But above all, it's our job to help them when they need help.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by TinyMama

Just popping in here.

Personally, I would take her to the dr. Assuming he/she says it's nothing, I might try a "fake" sickbed for a few days. Set her up in bed with books and a drink as though she is sick. Fawn all over her at first--"Oh, I'm so sorry your leg hurts. I hope it feels better soon, and you can walk properly again. When you can, we will do _______. Now I have some work to do, while you get better." Then leave. Continue boring her for a few days.

I can't imagine a healthy kid who could stay in bed all day for more than a day or two. This way, she gets to exert control over you, and it gives her a way to give up the limp while maintaining her dignity. I can't see any way for her to just stop if it is a power thing--she's protecting her pride here.

Originally Posted by Dandelionkid

Bring a book with you (for yourself). Sit down at the first sign of a limp and tell her you'll start going again when she is ready to move. Read your book. Disengage every time.

Wow, what a tough situation. I like these two suggestions, personally. I don't know how much I'd fawn with the "sick bed", because I'm not a fawner. But I'd absolutely, if she had a "problem", make her rest to help "heal" her up. That's how my mom kept me from faking sick out of school. When I was home sick from school, I was in bed all day with a couple books, maybe some paper and crayons, resting. No toys, no TV. no incentive to stay home unless I really needed to. She wasn't mean about it, but wasn't overly sympathetic either - she was kind, and gentle, but firm.

I would also invest in a portable potty for your car. You can get a pottette for like, $10 - http://www.kalencom.com/main/page.as...=8&id_detail=8 . We have one and it's about one of the best $10 I've ever spent. we're never far from a potty. I use small bags and adult incontinence pads instead of buying their (expensive) refills. I know that wouldn't help when you're in a store or like at the movies, but it would help in the car...in the movie situation, I would ahve done exactly the same as you did, probably after the 3rd time though. Actually, I would have probably tried to find an aisle seat if possible after the second time, and then left after the third time - not to be punitive, but because she was clearly a) not into the movie and b) not able to control herself enough to get into the movie, which as you said wasn't fair for anyone involved.

Soo, yeah - I don't envy you on this one. I'd take her to t adoctor on the outside chance there actually is something wrong, but also for the "you're OK" factor...do a "sick bed" for a few days, and have an honest talk with her about how this really is a drag and that it's difficult to want to do things with her when she does this.

Good luck.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by karne

I think that you have absolutely nothing to lose by taking your dd to the doctor. Zero. If there is a physical issue, she is in distress, and needs intervention. If she is having an emotional/psychological issue, she is in distress, and needs help. It's the same thing. Kids behavior tells us something about what's going on physically or emotionally for them. Our message to them should be that we hear them, and we can help. If the help from ourselves doesn't do the trick, help from a doctor or therapist will. But above all, it's our job to help them when they need help.

This is very true, too.

Our son has been in play therapy for a while for some anxiety/perfectionism that had been affecting his daily functioning...it was once a month or so, then once every couple weeks, then once a week, then daily and it became clear to us that he needed osme help working through it - it's been 4 months that he's been in play therapy and it has been GREAT for him.

[madskye]

I'd do a doctor visit, too. My neighbor just told me yesterday that when her DD was 2, she had a flu infection in her hip that made her limp intermittently and fall down sometimes?! I didn't even know that could happen--but I'd rule out the possibility that something is wrong first and then go from there.

You mentioned she is a big kid, too heavy to carry--if the limp really is fake, do you think it's because her weight is making walking tough for her, or is she in great shape just large for her age?

[kathymuggle]

I do hear you, and greatly empathise with you, on not wanting to go to the doctor.

Once upon a time my kids had teeth issues. I went for what I thought was my last tooth appointment (oh, number 8 or so in 4 months - and it was an hour away!) only to be told DD needed another appointment and I cried. Literally cried. I imagine you have been put through the wringer with the hip thing and I know it is not easy.

That being said, she does need to see a doctor. You have to find the strength to do this. If she does (and she probably doesn't - mama does know best) have an issue you are going to feel like crap for being impatient with her. She is going to feel like no one believes her. So...take a deep breath and make an appointment. Sometimes I make appointments for a week or two later - hoping the situation will resolve itself by then. Sometimes it does

Another thought - I am not overly suprised she is limping. This is a girl who has had her legs/hips looked over since birth - if she is going to fake something - this would be the area for her, Yk? Kids who have ear infections are probably more likely to fake ear infections, sore throats fake sore throats - etc, because it is what they know.

Hugs!

kathy

[lotusdebi]

I agree with the others that you should take her to see a doctor.
I also had a thought: Does she have sensory issues? My sensory-seeker has done some pretty strange things in order to get the sensory-input he needs, including walking in disruptive ways. He also has a hard time telling whether or not he needs to use the bathroom.

If everything checks out, and it's simply manipulative, then I agree with the other recommendations to be more firm and follow up with immediate consequences, such as leaving a fun activity. Make your expectations and consequences clear before you even leave the house, then take her reaction into account when deciding whether the trip is worth the trouble. Parenting is inconvenient. If you want manipulative behaviors to stop, you have to set very clear, strict boundaries.

[Starflower]

I hope you get to the bottom of this issue with your DD. I think it's pretty standard to rule out any physical causes with behavioral issues. It sounds like you had an awful experience with that first ortho, so maybe checking with an ND or a doc you felt you could trust (the second opinion doctor maybe?) would be a place to start just to rule anything out.

But, if there is no physical cause and she's doing it for attention, is it possible she just may need more of your undivided attention right now? My DD is extremely demanding and when she was 4 and feeling needy for attention, she would deliberately pee on the floor. This certainly got my attention, and it's not like she was being ignored, but I was distracted until I heard the tell-tale sound of liquid being poured out on to hard wood and there she was with no pants on peeing underneath our dining table.

She hasn't done this in a couple of years. I am still learning how to best get along with her while meeting both her needs and my own.

Are you able to maybe slow down life a little right now and give her more undivided attention? Are there changes going on at your house right now?

I know my own DD had increased potty accidents whenever she was stressed out. (She is six now and still has some accidents but we've ruled out any physical causes and the doc says it will clear up on its own.)

I think I would try to give her a period of undivided attention every day. You could try some of the behavior modification ideas other mamas have mentioned, too.

If that didn't work, I'd consult a child psychologist.

[NiteNicole]

You could also cajole her to go slower because you are concerned she is going too fast and might fall.

I wish I had thought of this first. It would almost certainly have stopped things from getting to this point.

She took a really long nap after we got home (doesn't usually nap, wore herself out crying in the car, was not tired at all in the theater so that had nothing to do with her incident). Before she got up we decided not to say anything about it and just ignore because that's really all I had, y'know? So she walked down the hall, around the house, still slow as Christmas but no limp. Decided to kind of test this and went to my moms. I helped her into her shoes and started for the car. I didn't hold her hand, I didn't remind her to walk faster, I just walked for the car, opened the doors, and mostly acted like I had no idea she was taking her time. No limp.

Got to my mom's, parked far away (long driveway) and walked all the way up to the house, no limp, no falling. Nothing of the kind all evening. Still sloooooow and dawdling so I said, "Ok, you need to walk faster, it's getting chilly"...limp limp limp. "Hold my hand, come on, we need to go" flop.

So I think it's just her control thing. The bathroom thing has been fine. She's not said anything about pain or anything hurting.

My husband and I have talked about it, talked about all input here, and talked about it some more. For now, we're going to ignore it. I'm not going to take her on errands where I need to move quickly and in parking lots, she's going in a cart and she can get out in the store if appropriate (often he'll take her off to look at more interesting things while I shop from the list, and that can be at her pace).

Obviously if she keeps it up or starts to say it hurts or if it starts to look like somethings going on or if she stops having periods where she's walking just fine - not because she's having fun and distracted but just because she hasn't thought about limping yet - we'll talk to her ped and go back to the ortho we like. Until then, I'm going to try to ignore it. It's really hard. It's frustrating. I am not a dawdler.

She gets a lot of my attention. Nothing new going on at our house or in our family. I am a SAHM, my husband works from home, she's the only local grandchild so she gets lots of grandparent and aunt and uncle attention. She's ALWAYS with me so it's not like something could happen that I don't know about. She's always within earshot. For her to spend about an hour with my mom like she did this morning is REALLY rare. I just like having her with me and she's been so good with things like shopping and running errands. She is never the kid in the store having a fit, she's usually just looking at stuff and chatting away. For the most part, she's just so easy that when something like this comes along, I have no idea what to do.

Thanks again for all the input. I'm reading and rereading. I have not totally written off seeing her ped and if/when I do I will certainly update.

[lolar2]

Just wanted to pop in and say that we put my 2 1/2 year-old, who weighs over 40 pounds (he is tall and muscular), in an umbrella stroller; and I often see even very old-looking kids, like 5 years old, in jogging strollers at places like the zoo. In case that info is useful to you. Also I put DS in an Ergo on my back-- yeah, he's heavy, but in the Ergo he feels like 20-25 pounds, not 42 pounds.

[pigpokey]

As for the bathroom, when you're out in public I just wouldn't leave the bathroom. I'd tell her this ahead of time -- if she asks you to go, you are staying until she GOES. So you both stay there until she figures out to go to the bathroom. And alternatively she learns not to ask you to take her until she really needs to go.

I'm not saying you shouldn't take her to the doctor. I've taken mine when they've gone through difficult stages, just to be sure. But it sounds to me like she's in full blown "3.5".

I have also tried to ignore things, or not make a big deal about things over the years and while I may not remember the successes, I do remember the failures and they are looming large. In my experience, annoying behavior phases just seem to escalate to intolerable levels in this age group if they aren't consequenced. I have thought, well I won't react, I'll figure out what they're needing, I'll just love them through this and we'll go on with our nice day. BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZ mistake. What they need is a limit to their behavior WHILE fixing their problem. They really don't like themselves when they're hurting their family members but don't know how to stop it themselves, so it can become a vicious cycle of bad feelings breeding bad feelings. Make her stop! It's really the kindest thing. My kids are 4.7 and almost 6 so I am not too far removed from your daughter's age.

[rainbowmoon]

Personally I would tell her you are postponing ALL fun things until she can walk on her own and without the fake limp and not ask to go to the bathroom 100 times. I know that's not what you want to hear but it's what will give you the least grief and probably work pretty effectively as well. I had to do this when my DS was 3yo. It wasn't fun but it worked pretty well. He knows I mean business anyway. He also has sensory issues too so maybe you should look into that a little. I would also probably go to the pediactric orthopedic specialist (I saw one my whole childhood so it's not a huge deal fro me) again too to rule anything out.

ETA- I just read your update. I have to say I am not so sure ignoring it is going to be the answer (as it sounds like she is wanting the attention) but I hope it works for you! Good luck!

[kathymuggle]

Pigpokey - I have had the opposite experience.

When my son was around 3 his siter was born. My previously potty trained child started having lots of accidents. Yeah, I know why - his sister ws born - but it did not make it any easier.....

After engaging in a power struggle for months (including Dh -who thought we would be "regressing" if we put him in diaprs again) I put my foot down. I said this was not working, and he could go in diapers again until he forgot we ever had a power strugle - and then, when the time was right, we (or he) would initiate retraining. He was out of diapers 3 weeks later - on his own accord.

Now - I am not saying your way is wrong, per se. But waiting for them to stop this behaviour on their own if you can do it in a relaxed way is not wrong either. Different things work for different families, kids and situations.

OP - when she dawdles - have you tried racing her to get her moving? I often race my 6 yr old dawdler - she likes the competition, and I just want to move the show along, lol.

[Bug-a-Boo's Mama]

Originally Posted by Dandelionkid

Bring a book with you (for yourself). Sit down at the first sign of a limp and tell her you'll start going again when she is ready to move. Read your book. Disengage every time.

Great idea!

I had really liked the PP suggestion of one warning and then leaving. Since that isn't something you will do, I think the above is great. She is moving too slow, falling, etc. find a bench or spot in the shade or out of the way and just sit down. Sit there as long as needed. You don't need to mention the limp/falling as being the problem, but you could say that she is obviously very tired since she is walking slow and falling down so you guys are going to sit for a while so she can rest. And do it. And do it each time she starts slow walking.

I'd have already brought the stroller back out also!

And my son is probably about your DD's age and I agree with the no concept of time.

Oh and with the potty thing, start re-doing the every time we get somewhere you must go pee or try to pee thing again. Oh and put a potty chair in your car so there is no issue of all the sudden I have to pee NOW. All you will have to do is pull over and let her go. Also comes in handy at parks that don't have bathrooms .

[NiteNicole]

Thanks again for the input. Just having so many different ideas makes me feel better. I was well and truly just at a loss less than 24 hours ago.

OP - when she dawdles - have you tried racing her to get her moving?

This worked when she first started all her slow walking but she caught on pretty quickly that I was trying speed her up and now she won't race anymore. She's a smart one.

She's had a few attention and reaction seeking behaviors in the past (usually something she'll try for a week or two and then it's over, and these have all been pretty spaced out, not one after another) and all of those have been solved by ignoring them and making everyone else ignore them, too. At one point she was putting her hands in her mouth to make herself gag in the carseat. This was a LONG time ago. She had reflux issues up until about a year and she knew that throwing up made things HAPPEN. She never really made herself throw up, but she would put her hands in her mouth and gag. I finally stopped looking at her or reacting to her when she did it and talked everyone else into doing the same and within a few days she stopped and has never tried again.

She's normally pretty easy going but when she picks a battle she digs in.

As to the potty thing, she hasn't had any issues since yesterday but if she tries the going every five minutes thing again, I'm going to take her once and then leave wherever we are because really what is the point of my being somewhere if I spend the whole time dragging her slow self back and forth to the bathroom?

Thanks so much for all the input. I really hope I can come back and report that she's stopped this...SOON.