Almost 5 Yr Old Leaving Farm Without Asking

[Past_VNE]

Our son has a very capable, independent air. I think that's awesome and, in general, foster that gently. He's a fantastic kid.

Let me set the stage a little. We live on a 20 acre farm with two houses, nowhere near any roads. We live in the main house and DH's grandfather lives in the house, about 20' from our back door. He plays with DS quite a bit and DS spends time over there several times a day. Our house has windows ALL OVER and is very open, so DS can come and go as he pleases, playing in or outside. Mostly, this works great.

There are about five other houses near us, all of whom we know. The Marks are right next door about 300' away, often babysit and are our friends. Catty corner to our driveway about 500' away are the Risers. They're an elderly couple, very nice to us. They are a bit funny, but nice neighbors. Directly in front of us is an empty 5 acre plot that we maintain for its owners, ride our horses on it, etc. It quite seems like WE own it. Our dog patrols it with the rest of our farm, too. This plot is right between us and the Neissens. The Neissen kids and their cousins come here to ride our horses and check out our livestock, etc. They play with DS, too, even though they are 8ish. Their parents are nice people, we've met a few times.

In the two years we've lived here, DS has gone two the Marks' house three times without asking. After the first time, I had a discussion with him about him needing to talk to me first, asking to go over there, etc. I told him, "You may NOT go to the Marks' without asking." All seemed well enough.

Then, he went to the Riser's house. I chalked it up to misspeaking, so I clarified that he may not go ANYWHERE off the farm without talking to me about it first.

Last week, he went over to sweep Mrs. Marks' porch for her. (She pays him for this job.) But, he didn't ask. He just left.

Tonight, he went to the Neissen's house. There were about 10-15 kids over there, playing in the front yard. I was nursing DD down for a nap in the bedroom. His dog accompanied him and he came home immediately when I went outside, saw the group and called him home.

I don't have a problem with his safety, but I need to know where he is, make sure it's a good time go there and that they approve of him coming. I've talked to him gently but adamantly about this. How do I get through to him that this is not acceptable? I already know it won't happen again for a few months, probably. But, I how to keep it from happening at all? This is just not okay.

It's very important to know that he fits squarely into the highly spirited category and that I really need to work this out so that he can continue to play outside freely. He becomes an unmanageable spazz if kept inside too much. He is also a very social, outgoing child (extrovert by the Spirited child book), so I know part of this is in quest for interactions with people. I keep in a lot of activities, but we are new here and don't know many people, so we don't have a lot of guests over. There is no family around except the above mentioned grandpa.

So far, I've just told him that I'm not happy that he left without asking and that we would talk about it later.

Help is greatly appreciated, Mamas.

[Starflower]

My DD has done this. She is also very extroverted and spirited and independent-minded.

We told her how it's very important for us to know where she is in case she needs us or gets hurt or something. And, we asked her how she would feel if we just got up and left and didn't tell her where to find us. I think that helped her understand a little better. We still remind her at times. So far she hasn't done it again lately, but we have also been trying very hard to better meet her extroverted needs of being with people more often. She is an only and I am an introvert so I am trying to be very conscious of her needs. I think this helps keep her from having as much reason to wander.

We are also trying to teach her about boundaries. I think sometimes, she doesn't understand right away. After we let her cross the street to visit her friend, she thought she could just go over there on her own any time she pleased. We had to reiterate that she needed to ask before going to visit and if she wanted to cross the street we needed to be watching. (We live on a fairly busy, hilly and curvy street with no sidewalks where people tend to drive too fast.)

But she also went uninvited to the neighbor's house on a Sunday. They are very religious and only have church and family people over on Sundays, so we had to teach DD about their boundaries as well. We have had to repeat this info over and over. But she seems to be getting it finally.

I think the changes we have made in meeting her needs for being with kids more often has made the most difference.