UPDATED---Don't know what I should say to MIL about this situation----UPDATED

[VroomieMama]

My MIL has been at my house since Wednesday and has been saying that we should vacuum once a week and I told her that I vacuum every other day (yes--literally--every other day) but my 7 yrs old dd usually makes mess and leave behind tiny mess on floor. It can get frustrating asking her to pick up her mess or clean up after herself. Most of times she do listen but it just happened that she didn't listen when it was time for my MIL to arrive. AARGH but that's another story...

Basically, yesterday morning, my DD gave my MIL a hard time by being disrespectful and rude. I asked my dd why she was being disrespectful and my dd said that she didn't like what my MIL said to her when they had several conversations and I asked her what did MIL say to her, my DD was like, I don't know..its not important. I know that sometimes my MIL would say things that rubs me the wrong way or gets on my nerve or gets too patronizing but she is just trying to help. Whenever she tries to help but it feels like shes being judgmental. Then later on my MIL said to me that for Thanksgiving, please have your DD go to her father's house because she can not come to my house until she improves her behaviors and be respectful. I understood what she meant but at the same time, I felt hurt that she is somewhat rejecting my eldest daughter because she is not my husband's daughter and I wondered if one of my twins were to become disrespectful with her when they are my eldest dd's age, would my MIL say the same thing to one of the twins? I doubt it. I feel like my MIL is giving my eldest daughter a different treatment with my twins. I have been tossing and turning in bed thinking about this because I want to ask my MIL this question, "Are you going to make one of the twins stay home during the holiday because they were disrespectful to you or are you going to welcome them unconditionally?" I also feel like saying to her that, " if you are going to treat my daughter differently than you do with my twins, I know I will feel uncomfortable and hurt whenever I'm at your house because my daughter isn't welcomed there while the twins are always welcomed. It just is not right and unfair." I just don't know what to do because it hurts my feeling really bad.

[VroomieMama]

23 views and no response?

[lindberg99]

I would just tell her either all of you are coming or none of you are.

[Mrs-Mama]

Originally Posted by lindberg99

I would just tell her either all of you are coming or none of you are.

[skylarsmom08]

I would have your husband talk to her (since she's his mom) and explain to her how horrible that is and to let her know that your family spends holidays together. If she wants you split up, you'll spend thanksgiving elsewhere)

[Honey693]

Originally Posted by skylarsmom08

I would have your husband talk to her (since she's his mom) and explain to her how horrible that is and to let her know that your family spends holidays together. If she wants you split up, you'll spend thanksgiving elsewhere)

This. It's completely rude to exclude one child from holiday situations just b/c they have an attitude. Geesh, if I would have been excluded from holiday stuff every time I got snippy with someone I wouldn't have left my house on holidays between 12 and 17 lol.

[Latte Mama]

Tell MIL that DD is 7, get over it!!! Sheesh, she's a kid! And yes, that your family will not be split up for the holiday. Maybe if the two of them are willing all 3 of you can sit down and clear the air before November?

[FullMetalMom]

It's obvious your MIL is trying to punish both your dd and you with such a ridiculous request. I'd have DH on that one, too.

[peainthepod]

Oh, mama, that is toxic behavior. Your family is a package deal. MIL can accept that or she can spend the holiday(s) without you.

I would have your DH talk to her and let her know in no uncertain terms that if she finds herself unable to treat your DD equally, you will be forced to limit or even cease contact with ALL of the children. My own grandmother very obviously favored our cousins over my siblings and me (because she disliked my mother) and it was terribly hurtful. I wish my parents had cared enough to keep us away from that kind of pain instead of making us endure it because "she's family".

It's ridiculous, too, that your MIL is placing the responsibility of her relationship with your SEVEN-YEAR-OLD on the child's shoulders. Unacceptable, no matter how rude DD was. Don't let this go on for another minute.

Protect your cub, mama--whatever it takes.

[VroomieMama]

Thank you all Mama for validating my feeling. I knew that she was wrong for saying that. Right now, my MIL is huffing and being impatient because my DH is taking his sweet time getting ready to take her home. She said, I'm so tired and bored and I want to go home.. I'm like... walk out of here on your own!

[MamaStarbird]

I totally agree with what everyone else is saying. If this is what your MIL is like, she almost certainly did say something offensive to your DD to trigger a 'disrespectful' response. Watch their interactions closely and defend your daughter so she doesn't feel like she has to resort to 'rudeness' to defend herself. Jump in and redirect before anything can escalate and make sure your daughter feels safe and respected, too.

[vbactivist]

Originally Posted by Latte Mama

Tell MIL that DD is 7, get over it!!! Sheesh, she's a kid! And yes, that your family will not be split up for the holiday. Maybe if the two of them are willing all 3 of you can sit down and clear the air before November?

I don't even see how thiscould work. The 7 year odl and her step -grandmother need to celar the air? I think the MIL needs to read about child develeopment, and f she' doesn't want to, then the old, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all would serve her well.

[zacharysmom]

id ask the daughter again what was said and depending on that i would talk to the mother in law about her being respectful herself. it may be that your daughter reacted to what was said to her first in defense of her self, was it a displine issue?

[2xy]

Originally Posted by zacharysmom

id ask the daughter again what was said and depending on that i would talk to the mother in law about her being respectful herself. it may be that your daughter reacted to what was said to her first in defense of her self, was it a displine issue?

This.

And also, it's possible that it took awhile for posters to respond because they were confused....like I was when I read the OP. What does the vacuuming have to do with the situation?

[fairymom]

I don't know what about this thread it is but OP your post has me .

I think it really unfair of your MIL to say this to you! Send your dd away for a holiday! Nope this would not fly in my house or family. And I would let her know myself that I and my dc would not be going to her house for Thanksgiving and maybe even the Dec holidays because she is acting childish and obiviously doesn't accept me or mine as hers. And I do not alienate my children in that way!

No offense but I wouldn't even care what my DH would have to say on this- if he doesn't agree then I would question why I was even w/him in the first place.Me and my children as a whole came as a package when he came into our lives and he should put that commitment first.

Now to the poster who asked what the vaccuming had to do w/it- when I read the OP I thought she may be using it as a way of showing her MIL's treatment of her dd and that her MIL thinks her dd is adding work to her (OPs) work load at home. Which may show MIL bias against OP's dd. And the inccedent is what started the whole issue of dd being allowed at Thanksgiving. OP if I am wrong I'm sorry please correct me.

OP- I have a dd who just turned 8 and she sounds alot like yours- w/the cleaning up after herself and standing up for herself I believe it is the age. My dd will be "disrespectful" towards adults but she is not trying to be. I think older adults have asqewed vision as to how children should talk to adults esp once the child has started school- they see them as older and more mature than they really are and have their exceptations too high. The choice of words a child can use can upset them. I bet your dd is great!

[NiteNicole]

I think the next time the subject of Thanksgiving comes up, you should make it clear that you and your family will be having a very special Thanksgiving in your own home, without extended family, you're having a great time planning the menu and you're all very excited about it (or you're taking a long weekend somewhere or planning to eat out or whatever thing you can think of that will make the day nice for you guys as just your family). When MIL asks why, I'd remind her that she uninvited your daughter and obviously she can't spend Tgiving alone and obviously you will all be together AS A FAMILY so you're starting the tradition of having Tgiving at your house.

Then get up and do something else and don't give her the chance to question you about it or ask questions. Just keep repeating, "but we already have plans" and leave it at that.

[VroomieMama]

Originally Posted by 2xy

This.

And also, it's possible that it took awhile for posters to respond because they were confused....like I was when I read the OP. What does the vacuuming have to do with the situation?

Haha... Forgive me! I'm laughing at your question because I agree with you.. what does vacuuming have to do with the situation...Basically, I was just ranting in annoyance with how MIL is... she is like, you should vacuum once a week (I vacuum every other day) , you should fix up this place (we will when we have $$), you should wash the windows (windows aren't our priority but we'll wash when we get to it) , you should walk the dog (of course we do but which part don't you understand that my dog is an OLD dog and he can't help it when he pees), you should clean the cat litter everyday (we DO clean the litter when it is necessary), you should do this and that (I'M NOT PERFECT LIKE YOU!)...etc..etc... And I was like YES I DO ALL OF THESE but at OUR own time... I'm not a superwoman and I don't have much energy to do EVERYTHING all at once! When I made the post, I just was pouring my thoughts off then realized that its not what I really wanted to talk about... what I wanted to talk about was how MIL rejected my DD and it really hurts my feeling. And my thoughts aren't exactly organized today because I HAVEN'T slept at all last night. I tossed and turned all night thinking about what MIL said to me and I couldn't believe she would say that to me and to my DD.

I told my DH that he will need to talk to his mother about how unacceptable her comment was to me and my dd. And that, I actually used one of the poster's concept by saying "We ALL go together as a family OR we ALL don't go" My DH nodded his head and gave me a facial expression that said "I agree". I told him that it was unfair that she treated my dd differently and then my DH said, "No, my mother is the kind of person who does not invite anyone who does not respect her to her home and even if one of the twins does not respect her, she will tell us not to come to her house until everyone respects her" I told him, "Honestly, I doubt it. I believe that she is treating her differently and that my dd is only 7 years old" He just nodded as if he agreed with me then walked away. Then, When I was on phone, my DH told me that my MIL said that "tell your wife that she doesn't have to come down to say good bye because she is busy on phone" and I was like, "ok tell her bye for me" but I was thinking to myself, "Wow! It only takes her few minutes to come upstairs to say bye but she didn't..interesting.." then I asked my dd if my MIL said bye or gave her a hug. My dd said "I gave her a hug but she didn't hug me back and I was like, oh ok." My dd shrugged her shoulder and said "oh well" then walked away.

I asked my dd again about what really happened and my dd said she just doesn't remember and that it wasn't really important and told me that she "promises" she would tell me if it was that important.

Mamastarbird--
"I totally agree with what everyone else is saying. If this is what your MIL is like, she almost certainly did say something offensive to your DD to trigger a 'disrespectful' response. Watch their interactions closely and defend your daughter so she doesn't feel like she has to resort to 'rudeness' to defend herself. Jump in and redirect before anything can escalate and make sure your daughter feels safe and respected, too."

I would love it if I were able to "listen" in to their conversations when they talk.. I'm always watching them interacting but I'm deaf and I often would get lost when one of them get upset. I always have to ask MIL "what did she say?" to my daughter "what did she say?" "what happened/whats going on?"


I'm really scared of losing my husband if my relationship with MIL turns sour from now on. I really hope my husband will stand by me.. I'm sure he will but at the same time, I'm so scared! I love him so much!!!! He has been SO good to me and my dd. My dd LOVES him a lot!

[sapphire_chan]

"I'm so sorry you aren't happy here. Let me know when you've picked a hotel and I'll take you there!"

[peainthepod]

then I asked my dd if my MIL said bye or gave her a hug. My dd said "I gave her a hug but she didn't hug me back and I was like, oh ok." My dd shrugged her shoulder and said "oh well" then walked away.

One of my earliest memories is of my grandmother doing exactly the same thing to me when I was four. Please, please don't allow your DD to experience this. It is emotional abuse and whether she shrugs it off or not, it HURTS.

[Porcelain Interior]

Forget your husband, (not literally just in this situation.) and take the bull by the horns. YOU need to stand up to MIL.

I'd take her out to lunch, or utilize a time when you and she are alone and tell her precisely how you feel.

I had to do this with my own MIL. My husband wouldn't do it, and the truth is I was the one with the "beef", husband's often miss the subtle enraging nuances of MIL and DIL interactions and are blind to what's going on beneath the surface.

Your MIL is constantly putting you down and disrespecting you and your household. That's where I would start. She sounds like a know it all.

I'd tell her straight up:

"MIL I have some things I need to say. First off, we love how involved you are with the grandkids and we want you to be involved in their lives.

The problem is you're very critical of me and my housekeeping and mothering abilities. You're not welcome in our home unless you can be civil and polite. It's very rude to comment on someone's house keeping when you are a guest in their home.

And my DD will not be treated like an outcast. Children do rude things, they have attitudes, as an adult it is our responsibility to model mature behavior, not hold petty grudges.

In the future if you want to invite us to a family function we will all be coming, if one isn't welcome then none of us will come."

I would also tell your husband you're going to speak to her about it. He won't, and that's another issue you will have to deal with, but there's no reason for you to remain silent and allow this tyrant of a women to emotionally abuse you.

And I do label it emotional abuse. You don't enter someone's home and harp and pick apart their cleaning skills. That's just downright evil.